Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Shutdown Fever, or, The Slats in the Cradle and the Silver Spoon
Forgive me for running behind this week, Shower Captives, I was busy trying to craft anatomically-correct gingerbread MEN, the way God intended, you feminazis! Pleased to report I have perfected my recipe, so you can expect my scrumptious, patriarchy-reinforcing Genderbread Cookies in stores by spring.
I suppose you heartless bastards have been celebrating the court-ordered dissolution of the Shart Foundation? During the holidays? Shame on you! Think of all the poor, unfortunate, tacky paintings of Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops that will now go unpurchased! Are you unmoved at the parting of a man and his dishonestly-acquired autographed Tim Tebow helmet? Truly, you have become the monsters you once fought.
So, you’ll recall that Mike Flynn tried spreading a bunch of bullshit conspiracy theories to make it seem like there was this massive, sinister, Deep Dish State plot to make Mike Flynn commit crimez and get caught and prosecuted and forced to plead guilty against his will, because he needs MAGA nation to go on believing he’s a hero and a martyr rather than an informant who sold out his partners, if he wants that sweet grifter cash spigot to keep on flowin’. Regrettably for Turkey’s favorite National Security Advisor, the federal judge in charge of Mike’s sentencing dragged him all up and down the courtroom, forcing him to debunk his own bullshit, point by point. And he still might go to jail. Heh.
Well, Jon Kyl decided he only wanted to return to the Senate long enough to install a drunken pervert on the Supreme Court, so he’s ready to go home now. And Arizona Governor Doug Ducey could think of no better replacement to fill out the next two years of John McCain’s term than the one person in the whole state who was just rejected by voters, Martha McSally.
Baffling. Well, as a great man once said, “Please proceed, Governor.” If you’re that eager to facilitate the flipping of both of your state’s Senate seats from red to blue in just two short years, I am 100% down for it.
Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag popped up just long enough to say, “Oh yeah, that 10% middle-class tax cut Shart Garfunkel promised? That was just a frantic and totally empty promise made out of desperation at the thought of Adam Schiff wielding the House Intelligence Committee gavel. He never meant it,” and America just collectively gave him the Wonka meme look because like, DUH, Steve.
Speaking of the cabal of cheap grifters that make up the cabinet, Wilbur Ross got caught breaking divestment rules and lying on ethics forms again which of course will lead to absolutely zero consequences and I find myself looking back on those bygone days when stuff like this mattered at least a little with such nostalgia that Daniel Stern is narrating my thoughts.
I tell you what, Kirstjen Nielsen is so casually, unapologetically, evil, when she sits down for these congressional hearings, you expect to catch her to just offhandedly snacking on a bowl of newborn kittens. Secretary Nielsen is madder than a wet hen* that people keep calling her a liar JUST because she lies all the fucking time, but somehow doesn’t seem all that upset about her department throwing children into cages, even when said children die in torment.
Fuck, Kirstjen can’t even be bothered to keep track of all the pesky kids dying in her concentration camps! When asked if she knew how many human beings had lost their lives while in her department’s custody, she sneered, “Don’t know, don’t care, brah,” kicking her feet up on the desk while biting the head off another kitten.
One last thing on Nielsen, her testimony has drawn calls of concern from health experts all over the world, who warn that, considering her proximity to the President and her sudden, alarming decline in linguistic ability during the hearing, “stupid” may indeed be contagious. Watching this once-competent official blurt “we need wall” like some sort of pre-school Incredible Hulk is concerning, to put it mildly.
Jesus, the wall. Because Dunning-Krueger is a painfully real thing, Donnie Dotard now believes he’s stumbled onto the genius branding solution to all his troubles; he’ll just say “steel slats” instead of “wall,” and the world will beat a path to his tacky, gold-plated, door. Maybe if you’d only said “we need slats,” Kirstjen, nobody would care how many gallons of blood were on your hands.
Of course now, the frothier loons of Cult45 are cutting into their monthly Sudafed budgets to crowdfund the wall themselves! I tell you what, folks, that wall will be nigh-fuckin’-impenetrable if these jackasses use their brains as bricks. God only knows how much money these doorknobs will have pledged by the time you read this, but like the Spaaaaaace Fooooooorce budget, it’s a number that will be sickeningly high while simultaneously remaining laughably inadequate.
And I have to ask myself why I spend my time on my lil’ poo joke blog when I should be figuring out how to grift some of the apparently-readily-available cash from the dumbest, most zealous, rubes God ever made. And yes, the dude running the GoFundMe is a known conman, as if you had to ask.
I will always be fair n’ balanced, (in addition to being drunk) and will happily report on any positive accomplishments by this Clown Car Full of Rectums we call an administration. So nice work banning bump stocks, kids, it’s the one non-horrific thing you did in 2018. Hillary would’ve gotten it done months ago, of course, but congrats on only being a 99.99-foot-high pile of sun-baked shit on this one issue.
No points, however, for finally, after months of senseless bureaucratic shenanigans, allowing a Yemeni mother to circumvent the racist travel ban to be at her dying child’s side. Well, nobody’s any safer, but at least we’re bringing the full force of the American government down on a grieving family during the worst time of their lives, right?
I assume y’all are having as much fun as I am with this Bob Mueller’s Mystery Subpoena subplot. Yes, ninja lawyers, meeting before an Illuminati tribunal in the Chamber of Secrets are battling to subpoena some sort of unknown data from an enigmatic corporation owned by an unrevealed country that could be Russia or Papua New Guinea or Chad for all we know. What does any of this mean? Fuck if I know, but I think the butler did it.
A little while back, Rudy Giuliani swore up and down that the Individual Wonder never signed a “letter of intent” to build one of his shitty hotels in Moscow, but of course the signed letter surfaced more or less immediately, but don’t worry, Rudy will still be invited onto every news program in the country to puke up similarly dishonest spin until the fucking sun goes out. More like GiuLIEani, right? RIGHT? GET IT?!?!
The very same people who urged boycotts of the NFL over black athletes kneeling, and can barely contain their glee at ending Colin Kaepernick’s football career have some thoughts on the boycotts targeting Putty-Faced White Nationalist Tucker Carlson’s Sneering Hate Variety Sho, and you may be surprised to learn that they aren’t being quite ethically consistent.
Let’s be real honest here, folks…conservatives hate liberal boycotts so much because ours work and theirs fail, full stop.
In a clear sign of strength and confidence, the Republican Party in South Carolina is looking at doing away with that whole silly “Presidential primary” thing in 2020, such is the universal adoration of Dear Leader. I figure if you boys just pass a law that says you can’t run if your name is Kasich, you’ll probably be fine.
Well, I guess Vlad Putin got worried Wee Don would get thrown in jail before Russia got its money’s worth out of their investment, so he called up the Oval Office and said “Little Man. You will pull your troops out of Syria, or we will repossess Melania. Do it now,” and being an obedient servant, that’s what Donnie did. He may even make Employee of the Month for this.
That he did this without consulting any of our allies, or even his own military, is…not bangarang, friends. It is decidedly un-bangarang, in fact.
The Kurds have been among our closest allies in the region for decades, and the American President abandoned them, on the very field of battle, to be slaughtered, in a desperate attempt, which won’t even work, to boost his approval numbers half a point or so, and these people will never trust us again. Will anyone ever trust us again, knowing we’re never more than four years away from potentially making another malignant talking toe our commander in chief?
And suddenly all the bloodthirstiest GOP hawks in Congress are freaking out at the reckless impulsiveness of the decision, and you sort of want to tie Lindsey Graham to a chair, and read Frankenstein to him, out loud, very slowly, perhaps in a southern accent.
So, DoJ ethics officials concluded that Hot Tub SpokesGoon Matt Whitaker should recuse himself from the Mueller investigation because of his previous statements and also because he’s a blistering idiot who doesn’t understand most three-syllable words, but Matty hired some advisors to tell him that ethics are for cucks so he certainly doesn’t have to listen to any dumb ol’ ethics officials, so there will be no recusal, and I just hope the Special Counsel’s office starts speaking Pig Latin whenever Matty walks in for an update.
Now a memo by AG nominee William Barr has turned up, demonstrating that he’ll have to recuse for the same reason, but I suppose that’s the zany catch-22 of the situation; Weehands McNodick could not give less of a fuck about any of the duties or responsibilities of the Attorney General’s office, he just wants a loyalist to protect him…if he won’t factor in any other qualifications in making his appointment, one stooge is as good as the next, I suppose.
(Meanwhile Whitaker seems to have transformed into the new Jeff Sessions so quickly, Boss Turdworm will have him wearing fake ears by next week.)
Fun little story here about officials in the Treasury Department using a non-secure back channel to communicate with the Russian government as they sought financial dirt on their enemies. That seems like kind of a big deal to me, but because the room is on fire and somebody keeps throwing hatchets and badgers at us through the window, nobody seems to be paying too much attention to this one. Shrug.
The House Intelligence Committee voted unanimously to send Rockin’ Roger Stone’s testimony over the Mueller offices so the Bobadook can scan it for lies n’ treason n’ stuff, because Rog just inspires that kind of bipartisan loyalty. Meanwhile this clown is padding his legal fund by selling signed rocks, telling his softheaded followers that they’re literally exact replicas of the stone from the David/Goliath incident. I have GOT to get in on rube-bilking market, folks!
Before he slithers away to golf for two weeks at the club he bought with daddy’s money, the Bonespur Buttplug figured America would get significantly greater if it only had a whole lot more hungry people, so he’s trying to crack down on food stamp recipients again. It’s all about “the dignity of work,” says festering loaf who doesn’t show up to work ‘till noon and skims from the treasury by charging the Secret Service for the luxury of pissing while they risk their lives to protect his.
Much as it pains me, I have to give credit where credit is due, so big congrats to the Velveeta Vulgarian for overseeing record growth in the stock mark…oh hang on, I was looking at the chart upside down. Holy shit, Shart-O, you’re really fuckin’ everything up, aren’tcha? Big fat nut punches to the Dow all week long as you fuck around with shit you don’t understand, leading to the worst year since the financial crisis? I know you hear this a lot, but you are in fact, out of your element, Donnie.
As the world burned to cinder because of his blundering, the Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet perceptively noted that everyone was looking to America for some sign of stability, and therefore he tweeted out an old video of himself bellowing the Green Acres theme song off key like a dairy cow that got into the moonshine still. I keep telling you we live in Hell, but do believe me, NOOOOOOOOOOO.
North Korea picked Fat Q*Bert’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, week to shit on him a little more, returning to their usual stance of blathering belligerence, as though there had never been a big fancy peace summit at all, let alone one with special shiny challenge coins. And in the midst of this entirely predictable, if still potentially dangerous development you know the old fart views the situation solely as a massive conspiracy to deny him the Nobel Peace Prize.
Yeah, it’s hard out there for a Walking Sack of Monkey Shit. But take heart, Littlefinger! While you may be failing at every aspect of your job, at least you’re inspiring America’s youth…to dress up in Klan hoods and spread hatred in your name! Fuck this taintfungus forever for all he’s done to our beautiful country.
Sneaking around below the radar in this Category Six Billion Shitstorm, some jackass you’ve never heard of, Zach Fuentes, who has been John Kelly’s Deputy Manbabysitter, has apparently been plotting to hang around on the taxpayer-funded payroll doing nothing in particular until his pension kicks in. Quite the culture they’ve built in the Shart House, eh? One of these days we’re gonna find out some intern smuggled the original Declaration of Independence out under their sweater, and we’ll say, “sounds about right.”
The man known as Mad Dog, who has lately been Dog With the Patience of a Goddamn Saint, appears to have reached his breaking point when Orange Julius Caesar’s Syria order directly betrayed everything the general has ever stood for and curb-stomped America’s credibility.
Mattis wrote a resignation letter that conspicuously didn’t say one nice thing about the President, not even thanking him for the opportunity to serve, which is Washington diplo-speak for “Get me away from this mush-brained traitor before I shit straight down his throat, I’ve spent two motherfucking years with all ten fingers and all ten toes plugging leaks in the dam and I’m goddamn tired and if anybody needs me, I’ll be going door to door, crotch-punting every single moron who voted for this dolt.”
Many Americans are quite understandably concerned, even frightened, even piss-our-pants terrified that the last adult in the room is gone, to be replaced no doubt by some misshapen beast cloned from Tom Cotton’s bedside spoo rag with the missing DNA gaps filled in with genetic material drawn from a Big Mac.
But never fear! The administration dispatched Stephen Miller, known for his calming effect, to CNN to smooth the waters. Did I say “calming effect?” Because I meant, “eerily dead eyes and seething hatred for all that lives.” Having plucked his fake hair out, follicle by follicle, after becoming an international laughingstock just days ago, young Stephen was a screeching mess, even with Wolf Blitzer trying to save him from himself. You know this creep sneaks into the residence at night and whispers “Killlllll them alllllllllllll” into Little Man Shart’s ears while he sleeps.
Kudos to President Dullard for trying to get Mitch McConnell to “go nuclear” and eliminate the filibuster for all legislation mere weeks before the GOP loses its House majority, all in the name of the Big Dumb Wall Nobody Wants. It’s like deciding to let the other team hit off a tee after you’ve had your last at-bat. This man couldn’t graduate middle school.
I’m always nervous when I see “Ruth Bader Ginsburg” in a push notification, but I guess she performed successful cancer surgery on herself with her bare hands while kickboxing a Kodiak bear or something? Oh, and she voted from her hospital bed to smack down Drumpfy’s latest assault on refugees, too.
With the shutdown looming, congressional Republicans are thoughtfully taking time out of their busy schedules to rub salt in the wounds of the hundreds of thousands of hard-working people they’re fucking over to stroke one narcissist’s ego. Freedom Caucus Grand Wizard Mark Meadows says, “Hey, when you took a federal job, this is what you signed up for; placing your financial well-being in the hands of malicious idiots who don’t care if you live or die!” And Representative Scott Perry wonders who needs something as silly as a paycheck around the holidays?
And yeah, we’re getting a shutdown. How long? Who knows? Possibly Shartolo Colon thinks Mueller can’t work so long as the government’s closed.
Well no matter what happens, you ain’t shuttin’ down Shower Cap! Only thing that can do that is when I go to one of those bars that serves fancy Belgian beers with ridiculously high alcohol content which I forget about so I guzzle them like they were MGDs. That shit shuts me down good n’ proper.
*Wet hens, I have been led to believe, are quite angry. In the interest of full disclosure, I confess I cannot verify this.