Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Sure, Let’s Bring in Jeffrey Epstein Now, Because the News Wasn’t Gross Enough Already
Good God. Keeping up with the news these days is like dunking your head in the vomit bucket in a meth den. Well, the sooner we push through this shit, the sooner we get to shower…
I see Dorito Mussolini wasted little time in turning his failed, pathetic, Stalin Cosplay Theatre July 4th debacle into a campaign ad, paid for with your tax dollars and mine. That’s probably the worst use of my money since I went to see the last Jurassic World movie in the theatre. At least in that one, the bad guys got eaten.
Of course, the day after what was intended as a spectacular showing of strength and dominance, nobody was talking about anything except Donnie Dotard’s demented ramblings about Revolutionary War-era airports. Oh, he tried to cover his ass, but when you’re blaming the teleprompter for the fact that you’re less intelligent than the most paste-engorged second-grader in Alabama’s shittiest public school, it’s safe to say you’ve lost control of the narrative.
But the President wasn’t the only dirtbag white nationalist shining a bit fat spotlight on his own imbecility. Steve King helpfully held the door open for a Twitter troll who marched in, ate his lunch, and left without tipping. I can only hope we’re still in the opening chapters of a very long story about this cheap fascist goon’s ongoing humiliation. May such incidents continue to occur and escalate, from septic tank dunkings to the contracting of exotic skin diseases once thought eradicated, for the rest of his misspent garbage life.
Temperatures in Anchorage, Alaska, hit a record 90 degrees over the weekend, and somebody needs to send Senator Jim Inhofe and his magical Snowball of Nuh Uh up there to explain to everyone how fake climate change is. He should tour the whole damn state, now that I think of it. God knows Jimbo would be more useful as nourishment for a starving polar bear than he is as a United States Senator.
The GOP-controlled state government in Mississippi just made it illegal for plant-based meat alternatives to culturally appropriate words like “burger” and “bacon,” and folks, I am officially confused about what conservatism even means anymore. Government juuuuuust large enough to go Orwell-on-steroids on the frozen foods aisle at your local grocery story, but much too small to ask the billionaire donor class to turn over so much as their Halloween candy budget to enable the disposable labor force to survive treatable medical ailments, apparently.
Not since Brangelina split has the nation seen a breakup as shocking as the one that occurred Sunday night, when the Manchurian Manchild aimed his pre-ice-cream Twitter tantrum not at Jim Acosta or NATO, but at longtime partner in misinformation Fux Nooz! Gosh, I really thought that relationship would last; they had so much in common, like “stirring up racial animosity for personal profit and power,” and “lying all the time about everything.”
Enabler General William Barr can be such a tease! He’s dropping enticing little hints that he’ll soon unveil the next bullshit excuse Operation: Bleach the Census will deploy in their quest to give John Roberts just enough plausible deniability to lay a few more bricks in the wall of institutional white supremacy. Billy is also rotating in a fresh set of lawyers, apparently because the old team was worried about getting disbarred for dispensing so much bullshit in front of the Supreme Court, y’know, on the off chance the rule of law survives the next two years. Boy won’t those lawyers feel dumb if Hairplug Himmler finally snaps and sends ICE agents to arrest Nancy Pelosi and her caucus!
Susan Collins wants everyone to know she doesn’t regret casting the decisive vote to install binge-drinking sex criminal Brett Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court for life, even though he’s taken to wearing a t-shirt that says “Ask Me About My Plan to Overturn Roe v. Wade” under his robe. That’s cool, actually. We don’t need Senator Collins to regret the single shittiest decision of her faux moderate career just yet. As long she regrets it on November 3rd, 2020, I’m good.
And Jeffrey Epstein is finally back in jail, where he has always belonged, and where he’d have been for years were it not for the criminally lenient deal he negotiated with the current serving Secretary of Labor. Naturally, being the guy who set a wealthy pedophile free to continue abusing children is no more disqualifying for the Seriously How Evil Are You Fucks Administration today than it was when they nominated Alex Acosta in the first place, so they’re really hoping he can ride out a news cycle or two, and then get back to the life of power and luxury he “earned” by crushing Epstein’s victims beneath his boots while climbing the GOP ladder of success.
This Epstein stuff is so gross it makes you want to bleach your eyeballs, and I’m sure this story will be continuously vomited across the public consciousness for weeks to come, so I don’t want to dwell on it too much today. But don’t worry, Donald Trump’s well-documented connections to this repulsive little monster, including a despicable quote indicating that he knew EXACTLY what Jeffrey was up to, and even more horrific, if unproven, allegations, will in no way diminish his standing as the idolatrous god of the American white evangelical mob.
Disgraced former RNC fundraising bigwig Elliott Broidy is now under investigation for allegedly using his ties to Shartolo Colon’s hyper-corrupt inaugural committee for personal financial advantage, and I feel like somebody should bang a bigass gong and shout BORING, because such run-of-the-mill corruption barely registers when the headlines are filled with concentration camps and child molesters. Nevertheless, the more Drumpf associates in jail, the better.
Oooo…looks like the proto-Gestapo boys over at ICE have been using facial recognition tech to dig through driver’s license databases in multiple states, without citizens’ knowledge or consent, is that dystopian enough for ya? Do they get jet packs and ray guns next?
Leaked cables from Britain’s Ambassador the the U.S., Sir Kim Darroch, reveal a man with a keen eye for the obvious, describing President Crotchvoid as “inept,” “insecure,” and “mired in scandal,” as well as “twenty pounds of monkey crap in a ten pound bag,” “dumber than most hedgehogs,” and “a turd-gargling wanker who can barely read or dress himself.” Trump claims he will no longer deal with Darroch, but Shart-O, if you establish a precedent of refusing to work with anybody who thinks you’re a blistering idiot, you’re gonna wind up in self-imposed solitary confinement.
The United States women’s national soccer team won the World Cup, which is the sort of thing that you’d think would delight most Americans, but Cult45 can tolerate no criticism of their Turd Emperor, so they have to sulk and moan while the rest of us celebrate the kind of legitimate excellence that you can’t just inherit from Daddy. Hope you like Chick-fil-A and MyPillows, dorks, cuz that’s all you’ll have left in a couple years.
Obviously, Megan Rapinoe is not going to the fucking White House, so Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops will have extra cheeseburgers to scarf while he’s consoling himself by showing phony Ronald Reagan quotes to his bigot cartoonist chums.
Battered by weeks of devastating reporting on the inhumane conditions in their migrant concentration camps, the Shitmaggot Administration figured “Fuck it, we may as well just scream FAKE NEWS,” and gosh, it’s like Sarah Slanders never left. The central animating idea behind everything these shameless fuckheads do is “assuming you can fool some of the people all of the time, let’s see just how much shit we can get away with.” Which is how we ended up with the concentration camps in the first place, I suppose.
It was all innocent fun back when we were watching Sean Spicer fidget while he assured us the Candycorn Skidmark was turning out crowds like a Led Zeppelin reunion tour, but now that the federal government is trying to pull the Jedi Mind Trick on us regarding the mounting pile of eyewitness accounts to their callous depravity, we are in a much more dangerous place, friends.
Hey look, the Shart House is hiring directly from the staff of fucking Breitbart now, ain’t that a kick in the head? See, when they said they’d drain the swamp, they neglected to mention that they were building a tar pit in its place.
The Republican Governor of Alaska, subscribing to the current conservative conventional “wisdom” that education is for CUCKS, decided to carve $130 million out his state’s university system, a savvy investment in the future of a political party that requires a steady stream of uneducated rubes in order to thrive. You’d think I’d be used to watching these jagoffs actively facilitate national decline by now, but I confess it’s still surprising to see elected officials proudly proclaim “Yes, I am making things shittier on purpose.”
Getting back to Billy Barr, he’s suddenly worried about the “public spectacle” of the imminent Mueller hearings. Yeah, and the fruit flies that get into my kitchen tend to complain about the “garish ornamentation” of the Raid can.
Roving White Nationalist Dolt-for-Hire KKKris KKKobach somehow managed to misspell his own fucking name when filing to run for Pat Roberts’ Senate seat in Kansas, but honestly, it’s easy to lose track of all those Ks. While CCChris is a proven loser, one can’t help but imagine the nightmare scenario, where he and Roy Moore get sworn in side by side, and then, given the steady (d)evolution of the Republican Party over the course of my lifetime, in 20 years or so they’ll be seen as timid moderates, lamenting the more civilized days of QAnon and concentration camps while their younger colleagues fight to Make Slavery Legal Again™️.
Considering all the horror and madness the average American is called upon to process these days, you could be forgiven for forgetting that the GOP is still low-key trying to kill millions of us, but yeah, they’re taking yet another stab at destroying Obamacare this week, cuz you dirty plebes just keep breathin’ all the rich folks’ air.
And Tangerine Idi Amin gave a little speech praising himself for all the amazing things he’s done for the environment, which is a bit like a group of medieval plague rats pontificating on their many accomplishments on behalf of the people of Europe. Whatever.
So that’s the news. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, only don’t, because it will surely give you mouth and lung cancer. Instantly. Put it in the bowl and flush it. Yeah, that’s better.