Good God. Keeping up with the news these days is like dunking your head in the vomit bucket in a meth den. Well, the sooner we push through this shit, the sooner we get to shower…

I see Dorito Mussolini wasted little time in turning his failed, pathetic, Stalin Cosplay Theatre July 4th debacle into a campaign ad, paid for with your tax dollars and mine. That’s probably the worst use of my money since I went to see the last Jurassic World movie in the theatre. At least in that one, the bad guys got eaten.

Of course, the day after what was intended as a spectacular showing of strength and dominance, nobody was talking about anything except Donnie Dotard’s demented ramblings about Revolutionary War-era airports. Oh, he tried to cover his ass, but when you’re blaming the teleprompter for the fact that you’re less intelligent than the most paste-engorged second-grader in Alabama’s shittiest public school, it’s safe to say you’ve lost control of the narrative.

But the President wasn’t the only dirtbag white nationalist shining a bit fat spotlight on his own imbecility. Steve King helpfully held the door open for a Twitter troll who marched in, ate his lunch, and left without tipping. I can only hope we’re still in the opening chapters of a very long story about this cheap fascist goon’s ongoing humiliation. May such incidents continue to occur and escalate, from septic tank dunkings to the contracting of exotic skin diseases once thought eradicated, for the rest of his misspent garbage life.

Temperatures in Anchorage, Alaska, hit a record 90 degrees over the weekend, and somebody needs to send Senator Jim Inhofe and his magical Snowball of Nuh Uh up there to explain to everyone how fake climate change is. He should tour the whole damn state, now that I think of it. God knows Jimbo would be more useful as nourishment for a starving polar bear than he is as a United States Senator.

The GOP-controlled state government in Mississippi just made it illegal for plant-based meat alternatives to culturally appropriate words like “burger” and “bacon,” and folks, I am officially confused about what conservatism even means anymore. Government juuuuuust large enough to go Orwell-on-steroids on the frozen foods aisle at your local grocery story, but much too small to ask the billionaire donor class to turn over so much as their Halloween candy budget to enable the disposable labor force to survive treatable medical ailments, apparently.

Not since Brangelina split has the nation seen a breakup as shocking as the one that occurred Sunday night, when the Manchurian Manchild aimed his pre-ice-cream Twitter tantrum not at Jim Acosta or NATO, but at longtime partner in misinformation Fux Nooz! Gosh, I really thought that relationship would last; they had so much in common, like “stirring up racial animosity for personal profit and power,” and “lying all the time about everything.” 

Enabler General William Barr can be such a tease! He’s dropping enticing little hints that he’ll soon unveil the next bullshit excuse Operation: Bleach the Census will deploy in their quest to give John Roberts just enough plausible deniability to lay a few more bricks in the wall of institutional white supremacy. Billy is also rotating in a fresh set of lawyers, apparently because the old team was worried about getting disbarred for dispensing so much bullshit in front of the Supreme Court, y’know, on the off chance the rule of law survives the next two years. Boy won’t those lawyers feel dumb if Hairplug Himmler finally snaps and sends ICE agents to arrest Nancy Pelosi and her caucus!

Susan Collins wants everyone to know she doesn’t regret casting the decisive vote to install binge-drinking sex criminal Brett Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court for life, even though he’s taken to wearing a t-shirt that says “Ask Me About My Plan to Overturn Roe v. Wade” under his robe. That’s cool, actually. We don’t need Senator Collins to regret the single shittiest decision of her faux moderate career just yet. As long she regrets it on November 3rd, 2020, I’m good.

And Jeffrey Epstein is finally back in jail, where he has always belonged, and where he’d have been for years were it not for the criminally lenient deal he negotiated with the current serving Secretary of Labor. Naturally, being the guy who set a wealthy pedophile free to continue abusing children is no more disqualifying for the Seriously How Evil Are You Fucks Administration today than it was when they nominated Alex Acosta in the first place, so they’re really hoping he can ride out a news cycle or two, and then get back to the life of power and luxury he “earned” by crushing Epstein’s victims beneath his boots while climbing the GOP ladder of success.

This Epstein stuff is so gross it makes you want to bleach your eyeballs, and I’m sure this story will be continuously vomited across the public consciousness for weeks to come, so I don’t want to dwell on it too much today. But don’t worry, Donald Trump’s well-documented connections to this repulsive little monster, including a despicable quote indicating that he knew EXACTLY what Jeffrey was up to, and even more horrific, if unproven, allegations, will in no way diminish his standing as the idolatrous god of the American white evangelical mob.

Disgraced former RNC fundraising bigwig Elliott Broidy is now under investigation for allegedly using his ties to Shartolo Colon’s hyper-corrupt inaugural committee for personal financial advantage, and I feel like somebody should bang a bigass gong and shout BORING, because such run-of-the-mill corruption barely registers when the headlines are filled with concentration camps and child molesters.  Nevertheless, the more Drumpf associates in jail, the better.

Oooo…looks like the proto-Gestapo boys over at ICE have been using facial recognition tech to dig through driver’s license databases in multiple states, without citizens’ knowledge or consent, is that dystopian enough for ya? Do they get jet packs and ray guns next?

Leaked cables from Britain’s Ambassador the the U.S., Sir Kim Darroch, reveal a man with a keen eye for the obvious, describing President Crotchvoid as “inept,” “insecure,” and “mired in scandal,” as well as “twenty pounds of monkey crap in a ten pound bag,”  “dumber than most hedgehogs,” and “a turd-gargling wanker who can barely read or dress himself.” Trump claims he will no longer deal with Darroch, but Shart-O, if you establish a precedent of refusing to work with anybody who thinks you’re a blistering idiot, you’re gonna wind up in self-imposed solitary confinement.

The United States women’s national soccer team won the World Cup, which is the sort of thing that you’d think would delight most Americans, but Cult45 can tolerate no criticism of their Turd Emperor, so they have to sulk and moan while the rest of us celebrate the kind of legitimate excellence that you can’t just inherit from Daddy. Hope you like Chick-fil-A and MyPillows, dorks, cuz that’s all you’ll have left in a couple years.

Obviously, Megan Rapinoe is not going to the fucking White House, so Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops will have extra cheeseburgers to scarf while he’s consoling himself by showing phony Ronald Reagan quotes to his bigot cartoonist chums.

Battered by weeks of devastating reporting on the inhumane conditions in their migrant concentration camps, the Shitmaggot Administration figured “Fuck it, we may as well just scream FAKE NEWS,” and gosh, it’s like Sarah Slanders never left. The central animating idea behind everything these shameless fuckheads do is “assuming you can fool some of the people all of the time, let’s see just how much shit we can get away with.” Which is how we ended up with the concentration camps in the first place, I suppose.

It was all innocent fun back when we were watching Sean Spicer fidget while he assured us the Candycorn Skidmark was turning out crowds like a Led Zeppelin reunion tour, but now that the federal government is trying to pull the Jedi Mind Trick on us regarding the mounting pile of eyewitness accounts to their callous depravity, we are in a much more dangerous place, friends.

Hey look, the Shart House is hiring directly from the staff of fucking Breitbart now, ain’t that a kick in the head? See, when they said they’d drain the swamp, they neglected to mention that they were building a tar pit in its place.

The Republican Governor of Alaska, subscribing to the current conservative conventional “wisdom” that education is for CUCKS, decided to carve $130 million out his state’s university system, a savvy investment in the future of a political party that requires a steady stream of uneducated rubes in order to thrive. You’d think I’d be used to watching these jagoffs actively facilitate national decline by now, but I confess it’s still surprising to see elected officials proudly proclaim “Yes, I am making things shittier on purpose.”

Getting back to Billy Barr, he’s suddenly worried about the “public spectacle” of the imminent Mueller hearings. Yeah, and the fruit flies that get into my kitchen tend to complain about the “garish ornamentation” of the Raid can.

Roving White Nationalist Dolt-for-Hire KKKris KKKobach somehow managed to misspell his own fucking name when filing to run for Pat Roberts’ Senate seat in Kansas, but honestly, it’s easy to lose track of all those Ks. While CCChris is a proven loser, one can’t help but imagine the nightmare scenario, where he and Roy Moore get sworn in side by side, and then, given the steady (d)evolution of the Republican Party over the course of my lifetime, in 20 years or so they’ll be seen as timid moderates, lamenting the more civilized days of QAnon and concentration camps while their younger colleagues fight to Make Slavery Legal Again™️.

Considering all the horror and madness the average American is called upon to process these days, you could be forgiven for forgetting that the GOP is still low-key trying to kill millions of us, but yeah, they’re taking yet another stab at destroying Obamacare this week, cuz you dirty plebes just keep breathin’ all the rich folks’ air.

And Tangerine Idi Amin gave a little speech praising himself for all the amazing things he’s done for the environment, which is a bit like a group of medieval plague rats pontificating on their many accomplishments on behalf of the people of Europe. Whatever. 

So that’s the news. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, only don’t, because it will surely give you mouth and lung cancer. Instantly. Put it in the bowl and flush it. Yeah, that’s better.