Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
The Bonespur Butthead Bigot’s Burger Blunder, and Other Bnews
Well folks, I keep on pinching myself, and I can’t seem to wake up, so I am resigned to the conclusion that all this shit is indeed happening in real life. And people wonder why I drink. Well, let’s dive in…
Just to get the boring shit out of the way up front, Forbes says Dorito Mussolini sold $35 million in real estate last year, often to buyers using limited liability companies to remain anonymous. That would’ve been the single biggest scandal of the entire Obama administration, Sean Hannity would’ve popped every vein in his forehead in glee that he got to cover it, it’s corrupt as fuck, and you’ll have forgotten it by the end of this post.
If your New Year’s resolution involved giving up schadenfreude, Alex Jones sure is making things hard on you. He just keeps on losing in court, this time a judge granted the discovery request of the Sandy Hook families who’re suing his punk ass for, you know, terrorizing them in the wake of the unspeakable tragedy they suffered. Word of advice though: if you’re poking around in that nutjob’s drawers and closets…wear gloves.
Visibly Deteriorating Cousin Fucker Rudy Giuliani thinks Shart Garfunkel’s legal team should get the chance to “correct” any report produced by Bodacious Bob Mueller and his team, which is frankly fucking adorable. Like a suspect telling the D.A. she can show the jury the murder weapon, but only so long as he’s allowed to remove all evidence of his DNA from it first.
So, you probably remember a few weeks back when the Senate passed a bill making lynching a federal crime. And I bet it surprised you, to learn that lynching wasn’t already a federal crime. Y’know what won’t surprise you? Learning that a group of evangelical “Christians” wants to strike language from the bill referencing LGBTQ people. While these folks aren’t so good at “following the teachings of the actual Bible” or “basic human decency,” you have to admit they’re remarkably consistent.
Every so often, I come across a headline I couldn’t possibly hope to improve upon. “Social Security official: Married working mothers hurt society, condoms rob women of “remarkable chemicals” in semen” is one such headline. Moving on.
Speaking of The’Best People, seems Richard Grenell isn’t winning friends or influencing people over in Germany. Who could have predicted that making a right-wing troll your ambassador, and letting him meddle in domestic politics would backfire so spectacularly, except for literally everyone?
Tragedy in Griftopia as the plot to crowdfund the Big Stupid Wall was revealed for the cheap con it so obviously always was, with the shady character behind it attempting to divert the proceeds to a “nonprofit” of his own founding. Now, GoFundMe is refunding every idiot, racist, dollar. Disappointed backers can console themselves that at least there’ll be a little more spare change in the meth budget this month.
The Shart Administration’s deep commitment to populism was on display when economic adviser Kevin Hassett congratulated all the furloughed federal workers on their unexpected bonanza of vacation time! Yes, it’s just like a vacation, Kev, except instead of dropping acid and going on It’s a Small World or puking your way through a Napa Valley wine tour, you’re making fun decisions about whether to pay your rent or pick up your child’s lifesaving prescription from the pharmacy! More of a staycation, really.
We’re generally at a lull in the Shartdown; everybody’s seen the stuff on the National Parks closing and the TSA screener furloughs, so those little bits of senseless suffering are old hat by now. To spice things up, why not sample some of the articles on the needless damage yet to come should Tangerine Idi Amin continue holding the nation and its economy hostage to his fragile ego?
Still he spent the weekend roaming the halls of an empty White House, exactly like the Beast in Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, only none of the furniture could talk and instead of being a basically likable tragic figure, he’s a massive asshole loathed all over the world.
Anyway, the House keeps passing bills to open the government, and Mitch McConnell keeps locking ‘em up in his desk, next to his decency and his respect for the Constitution. The good news is, Strawberry Shartcake says he doesn’t care what we call the wall! Call it “Peaches,” call it “Herb,” it’s all the same to him. But I bet that even if you appropriated 20 billion dollars for the wall on the condition that he had to call it “Donald Trump isn’t as wealthy as he claims to be” and paint that phrase on every inch, he’d turn it down.
Hey, didja see that story where the Tangelo-Tinged Treasonweasel keeps doing everything he can to conceal the contents of his private meetings with Vladimir Putin from even his own advisors, up to and including confiscating his interpreter’s notes? Wow, that’s kinda weird, don’tcha think? Thank God there’s no evidence that the Russians worked to install him in power or that he maybe colluded with them to attack American democracy or that he seems to be doing Putin’s bidding at every turn, because if any of that happened, I’d have some serious concerns, friends. I might even write my Congressman a sternly-worded letter, under those circumstances.
It’s not surprising, but still utterly insane, to see the GOP continue shrugging off every new revelation, however damning. Ted Cruz was seen in an Austin tattoo parlor, getting a tramp stamp that reads “Property of the Guy Who Insulted My Wife and My Dad.” Meanwhile Lindsey Graham gets more and more treasonous by the hour. I half expect him to hijack a nuclear submarine and defect.
Bad news for anyone holding out hope for Sharty McFly to ever receive his comeuppance, as he called into Jeanine Pirro’s show to suggest that somebody really oughtta look into Michael Cohen’s father-in-law rather than all this collusion and what have you. Bob Mueller, who watches Judge Jeanine religiously, immediately shouted “Pack it in, boys! I want everybody on this Michael Cohen’s Father-in-Law guy right this minute! He’s clearly the real threat here!” Anyway, you’d think witness tampering would get boring after awhile, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.
Speaking of the Bobadook, word on the street* is, he’s looking into a meeting attended by Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes, Mike “The Turkish Delight” Flynn, and a whole bunch of foreign officials. When Devin got this news, he was so distraught, he couldn’t even finish fucking the pig he’d procured for the evening, but he paid her in full because though he is a traitor, he is a gentleman, if only to the pigs he fucks.
The American court system has surely grown tired of winning in their multi-front conflict with the Shart Administration. The attempt to give your employer power to decide whether or not you’re allowed to have birth control? Blocked. The malicious plan to turn the census into a tool of fear and oppression via the needless inclusion of a citizenship question? Smacked down. The case seeking to force the President to tie his tie at an appropriate length like a goddamn grown-up is still pending, however.
And President Gas Station Urinal Cake is already lashing out at his shiny new (acting) Chief of Staff, but at least that gave me an excuse to google “You fucked it all up, Mick.” As is customary for advisors who displease the Turd Emperor, Mulvaney was ordered to spend the night in the Rose Garden doghouse, the walls of which contain the fading remnants of an ongoing tic tac toe game between Jeff Sessions and Rex Tillerson.
Suddenly, utterly without precedent and completely out of nowhere, Steve King magically transformed into a racist person, much to the dismay of his political party. The House GOP took action at lightning speed, condemning this never-before-seen-no-not-even-once behavior, stripping King of his committee assignments, and passing a resolution condemning white supremacy (which a desperately floundering King himself hilariously voted for), before getting back to work demanding funds for the mega-racist border wall that he’s been fighting for his whole political life.
Fortunately King is an outlier in an otherwise totally racism-free party. Except for this lady, who is, we must admit, a touch on the hateful side. Oh, and that one guy who thought it was a good idea to invoke the Wounded Knee massacre for a “joke” about Elizabeth Warren, who was that again? Oh right, the President.
The Very Fine and Much Less Racist Than Steve King Wink Wink President also attacked the Congressional Hispanic Congress for leading a trip to Puerto Rico for a fundraiser for the victims of Hurricane Maria, still suffering after his Criminally Insufficient Not at All Driven by Racism response. To exacerbate the tension, I’m told no paper towels were thrown at the CHC’s event.
Folks, someday I’ll be on my death bed, and my mind will have deteriorated to the point where it’s all but leaking out my ears, and the very last thing I will remember on this earth will be this thing with Fat Q*Bert, the Clemson Tigers, and the fast food. You know the story by now of course, but a chronicler’s gotta chronicle, so here goes:
Hosting the college football champs in the White House during the shutdown, the Velveeta Vulgarian was faced with a dilemma; how do you feed your guests when your kitchen staff is furloughed? Well, if you’re cheap, and you’re tacky, and you’re also a great big fucking idiot, you just order a bunch of fast food. And then, and this is the true genius stroke, you let it sit out till it gets cold, while you invite reporters to photograph this monument to your titanic stinginess, before feeding everybody nasty-ass room temperature burgers. It’s the DonaldTrumpest thing that’s ever happened.
Of course he made sure to tell everyone he paid for it his own self with his own money. (Which of course is almost certainly not true. And you know the cheap bastard didn’t tip the delivery driver.) What I’ll never forget is the sight of him, gazing out with pride upon the bounty he’d provided, like a little kid who’s just made a castle on the lawn out of the dog’s shit.
How old were you when you figured out McDonald’s was 100% revolting if you let it sit out? Like, five? You tried it once, and never did it again for the rest of your life. It was probably your very first adult decision.
The Failing New York Times reports that Hairplug Himmler keeps pestering his advisors, “Can we pull out of NATO yet? How about now? How about now?” until John Bolton threatens to turn this car around and go home. Look, just because the President is actively working to undermine the post-WWII international order that’s kept the peace for decades and just because that’s exactly what Vlad Putin has asked Santa Clause for every year since he was 3 doesn’t mean that the President is a Russian asset, but I have to admit that there aren’t a lot of other options that make sense.
The Senate Judiciary Committee held Attorney General nominee William Barr’s confirmation hearing today. It doesn’t seem to have been very funny, but I thought you should know about it anyway. Barr seems like a really dangerous partisan hack who won’t make a very good AG, but after Sessions and Whitaker, I feel better about him, because my standards have been stomped to jelly. Sources say potential Democratic presidential candidates on the committee were a little bummed this hearing would offer fewer opportunities for righteous pontification than that time they all got to yell at Brett Kavanaugh.
Across the pond, Theresa May’s Brexit deal fell apart after being rejected by Parliament, which is kind of like Congress, only with sillier hats and monocles probably. I’m not super-familiar with British politics, but my understanding is, she will now be pinned to the cricket pitch using wickets while the batsman does some other English, cricket-y things…I’m tired, you fuckin’ finish the joke.
It’s very probable I missed some shit tonight, as I am once again all fucked up on allergy meds. Did we invade Venezuela yet? Feel free to point out my shortcomings in the comments.
*And by “the street” I mean “the Daily Beast.”