Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
The President is a White Supremacist Terrorist and Other Hilarious, Hilarious Jokes
Having a hard time with this one, friends. The gags don’t come as easily when when you’re dealing with atrocity, rather than the standard buffoonery. Like, “Didja hear the one about racist fascist president who took thousands of children hostage?” There’s no punchline, just horror, sorrow, and rage.
Things’re so shitty, I can barely enjoy the fact that Paul Manafort has been sent to jail since the last time we touched base. I should be in the hospital right now, having ruptured my fucking gut laughing at the image of that cheap crook, rotting away in a cell, having finally found a problem he couldn’t RichWhiteGuy himself out of.
But I’m sitting here listening to a recording of children crying out for their parents in a fucking government-run detention camp, and I confess I can’t find much to laugh about.
Ok. We can do this. Start with something light.
Oh, I know. How about the thing where Weehands McNodick, desperate to spin his diplomatic debacle in Singapore, fabricated a brigade of grieving parents of those who died in the Korean War, because he can’t find anyone who’s actually still alive to deliver the praise he craves. Now, everybody’s been calling him out on what seems to be a rather obvious falsehood (the parents of Korean War soldiers would all be well over 100 by now), but what if it’s true? What if he’s being haunted? What if he’s constantly swarmed by the shrieking spirits of the restless dead, demanding recompense for forgotten wounds?
…it might explain the irrational behavior, the lack of attention to detail, the inability to competently groom himself, etc., is all I’m sayin’
We were treated to a few behind-the-scenes anecdotes of Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops acting like a spoiled brat at the G7 summit, like the socially maladjusted rich kid you had to invite to your birthday party because his dad works with your dad.
First we learned of Orange Julius Caesar’s dutiful parroting of Putin’s “They speak Russian in Crimea” excuse for VIOLENTLY INVADING A SOVEREIGN NATION, because while he’s President of the whole dang United States of America, he still hasn’t won Vlad’s coveted Employee of the Month award. The prize is a jar of piss from the fairest hooker in all the land, so you know he really really wants it.
And then there was the juvenile line about “shipping Mexicans” to Japan. That’s possibly the Drumpfiest thing he’s said yet; petulant, racist, and embarrassingly pathetic. This must be this “We’re America, bitch,” thing he’s trying out. Don’t worry, after his dumbfuck trade war has destroyed the economy, and his tantrums have ruined the reputation so many better men and women fought so long and hard to build, we can always have Donnie’s Daddy bail us out of trouble. That plan always worked for him before, anyway.
And then it was off to North Korea, where he SALUTED A FUCKING NORTH KOREAN GENERAL, which historians of all political persuasions unanimously agree was the single biggest cuck move in human history.
Back home, Shart Garfunkel and his shitty, shitty, children are finally facing a lawsuit for stealing from charity, because oh yeah, thanks to the enthusiastic support of evangelical “Christians,” our President is the kind of absolute crotchtumor who uses his “charitable foundation” to make political donations, pay off legal debts, and purchase a big fat ugly painting of his big fat ugly self.
Now, the Shart insists he won’t settle! But the NYAG office has a voucher, in his handwriting, directing the charity to illegally dispense funds to settle a lawsuit, soooooooo they probably aren’t looking to settle either, y’know?
Michael Cohen, perhaps seeking one last humiliation as a free man before he has start swapping rim jobs for cigarettes, tried to get a gag order on Michael Avenatti, to please stop completely owning him in public all the damn time. The judge didn’t bite, because the law doesn’t work that way, which Cohen would probably know if he were a real lawyer.
The Sensei of Sez-Hoo likely also wants a gag on federal investigators taping the contents of his shredder back together, and decoding his encrypted messages, because they sure as shit did that. Anyway, Cohen’s imminent perp walk should get better ratings than his Boss’ inauguration.
Ronna Romney McDaniel is HERE FOR THE FASCISM, y’all. She might not be willing to return Steve Wynn’s donations or apologize for financing serial child molester Roy Moore’s Senate bid, but she’s totally down to tweet out threats to any who refuse to bend the knee to the High Priest of Diarrhea Gargling. I don’t know what she’s calling herself these days, but a Romney by any other name would smell as shitty, so fuck you, Ronna.
Fat Q*Bert seems to have figured out the child-proof locks General Kelly installed in the Oval Office, because he waddled out onto the White House lawn for an impromptu press screeching last week, apparently because he was worried there might still be one person somewhere on Earth who still believes he’s sane. Or honest.
Editorial cartoonist Rob Rogers has been fired by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette for criticizing God Emperor Colonblight; fascist wannabe state media has claimed one more outlet HA HA HA CAP YOU’RE SUCH A JOKESTER PRINT MEDIA IS DYING AND IT’S TAKING THE RIGHT TO PROTEST WITH IT HA HA HA.
Legislative affairs director Marc Short is allegedly the latest rat to flee the Shartanic, having directed the legislative affairs of a massive tax giveaway to the uber-wealthy and…not much else. I guess Short wasn’t looking forward to shepherding Stephen Miller’s We Will Release One Child Hostage For Every Dark-Skinned Person Who Self-Deports Act through the Senate.
I barely have the heart to cover the opening of the latest new wing in the P.T. Barnum Presents Scott Pruitt’s Wondrous World of Cacophonous Corruption Traveling Museum and Wild West Show. It’s a pretty good show, too. WATCH IN AWE as Scotty wrangles Rose Bowl tickets from an energy industry bigwig! GAZE IN SHAME as he engages in Olympic-level ass-kissing to save his job!
…but since he isn’t LOCKING CHILDREN IN CAGES, his offenses seem almost quaint today. You go to your little football game, Scotty.
Fresh action on the Chinese front of the international trade war, with Beijing and Shartopia exchanging billions in new tariffs. Don’t worry, America! Your President won’t back down, no matter how many hundreds of millions of dollars worth of damage he inflicts on farmers! And as you struggle to feed your families, know that your sacrifice serves the noble cause of momentarily placating his insatiable ego!
Speaking of the Big Dumb Trade War, I see regular Canadians have announced their intentions to boycott American products, but their currency is based on maple syrup and autographed hockey pucks, so we should be fine, right?
As the quest for the “Best People” has devolved into a frantic search for warm bodies, the Shart House has resorted to seeking candidates for what ought to be the most coveted gigs in politics at a freaking job fair. It’s still a tough pitch; we have nothing to offer but blood, toil, overdone steak farts, and the guarantee of crushing personal legal debt.
The long-awaited Justice Department Inspector General Report hit the streets last week, jumping directly to the top of Billboard’s Government Records charts, supplanting a study on the gap between Jeff Flake’s professed anti-Trump self-puffery and his actual voting record.
Of course, the Hairplug That Ate Decency proclaimed the report exonerated him of all accusations of collusion (it didn’t), as well as proving that Salma Hayek really really wanted to date him.
One thing you have to give Babbling Cousin-Fucker Rudy Giuliani; he understands that nothing short of the complete destruction of the rule of law in America can save his shitty grifter boss. So he’s out there on any TV show shameless enough to host him, screeching that Mueller must be investigated, must be suspended, must be fired. Based on not one fucking thing.
That’s Rudy and Donnie’s whole strategy; obliterate Americans’ faith in the law and those that would enforce it. That’s the play. And these two hateful old men don’t give half a rat’s ass about the nation they’ll leave behind; let it all burn, just so Donald Fucking Trump can keep crapping in his gold toilet until the fast food and experimental hair tonic finally catch up to him.
And Roger Stone sings:
Oops I did it again
I lied to your face, and while under oath
Oh Baby, Baby,
Oops, you thought you could trust
Are you fucking concussed?
I’m not that innocent!
(And now you’re picturing Roger doing all that sexy dancing, aren’t you? You’re welcome.)
But yeah, Stone seems to have forgotten one itsy-bitsy meeting-with-th’Russians-offering-dirt-on-Madame-Hilldawg in his months of blanket denials that almost certainly extended to his testimony before Congress, but his memory seems to have been jogged by the fact that Bodacious Bob Mueller apparently knows all about it.
Now, if Devin Nunes were interested in doing his job, he’d have a rather enormous problem with Roger Stone lying under oath to Congress. That’s a crime. Kind of a significant crime, actually.
But Devin doesn’t care about the rule of law. Devin has just two passions; fucking pigs and obstructing justice, and he seems to be temporarily out of pigs. In fact, he refuses to release the transcripts of Stone’s testimony, because he is using his post as the chairman of a powerful congressional committee to shield members of his party from the consequences of their lawbreaking. (Oh shit, you were expecting a joke, and instead you got a bleak description of objective reality! YOU AIN’T SEEN NUTHIN’ YET!)
Devin also confessed to being part of a Dastardly Deep State Plot where FBI agents leaked him damaging classified information on HRC during the 2016 campaign. Somehow it’s heroic when it’s him, but a Monumental Assault on Everything That’s Good and Right when law enforcement investigates Drumpf’s many crimes, because…reasons.
On a nicer day, a kinder day, we could all enjoy a few laughs at Shartolo Colon’s bonehead directive to establish a whole new branch of the military called (James Earl Jones voice:) SPAAAAAAAAAAACE FOOOOOOOOOORCE!
Folks, this is what happens when you elect Mike Teavee President. It’s like outsourcing national security decisions to the group of kids I hung out with in 3rd grade, after we stayed up all night binging on root beer and Twizzlers the night Nate’s parents let us rent ROBOCOP. Honestly, we can probably head this whole thing off if Mattis just orders the Pentagon to build the Toddler in Chief a really cool spaceship model, providing it makes adequately amusing pew pew pew noises.
Forbes has an incredible deep dive into the truly phenomenal ethical abuses of Nap-Prone Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross, up to and including profiting off of the publishing of an earlier story about his truly phenomenal ethical abuses. In any earlier administration, this would be an earth-shaking scandal. Today, it almost feels like a distraction from the government’s greater evils.
At least we can take a moment to laugh at our old friend KKKris KKKobach, who not only had his bullshit voter suppression law struck down in court today, but was even ordered to take six hours of continuing legal education classes by the judge, just for being such colossal fucking idiot.
And now that I’m laughing at KKKris, I suppose I can finally muster the appropriate level of schadenfreude to appreciate Paul Manafort’s imprisonment. Tonight, Paulie, I’m ordering a pizza, drinking a six pack, and choosing the one precise moment in time when I want the lights in my bedroom to turn off. You can’t do any of these things, because you’re too fucking dumb to not commit crimes when the F.B. FUCKING I. are surveilling your every move. Really nice work, genius.
Ok fine, I guess we have to deal with the elephant in the room. The elephant being The President is a White Supremacist Who is Using American Law Enforcement to Carry Out Acts of White Supremacist Terrorism.
Can we please stop fucking around about this shit? There was never ANY interest in increasing American greatness, only in decreasing the amount of America that shitty white folks had to share with other people.
You’ve probably seen in the media that “men” like Stephen Miller and John Kelly support this policy as a “deterrent.” Let’s break down what they mean by that. They mean they want to make asylum-seekers associate “The United States of America” with horror. With terror. With “that’s that place where they FUCKING STEAL YOUR CHILDREN.”
That’s why this policy is terrorism. It’s designed to terrorize. Your government, in your name, with your tax money, is committing acts of terrorism. They’re hurting children, on purpose. The goal of the policy is to hurt children. Hurting children is the entire fucking point. Well, hurting children, in order to spread terror. Terrorism.
Amnesty International calls it torture. Because it is. The American Psychological Association calls it a “mental health crisis.” It is. The president of the American Association of Pediatrics calls it “government-sanctioned child abuse.” And it is.
But to Donald J. Trump (the “J” stands for “inhuman monster”), American President/Unapologetic Kidnapper & Terrorist, this is finally the opportunity he’s been seeking to get his Stupid Fucking Wall built! Blisteringly incompetent, historically ineffective, unapologetically evil, he imagines swapping the CHILDREN HE’S THROWN INTO CONCENTRATION CAMPS for fulfillment of an empty promise he made to hateful rubes.
And that’s the state of politics in the United States on Monday, June 18th, 2018.
And while one team of immoral stooges brags to the base about all the harm they’re inflicting on the non-white, another brazenly perpetuates lies like “we’re only enforcing the law,” or “Democrats did this,” or “Sarah Huckabee Sanders is a human being with a human soul.”
And so we have children, CHILDREN in cages, on suicide watch. We have a Border Patrol agent mocking the cries of suffering children. And we have a law enforcement officer sexually assaulting a four year old girl, confident he’ll get away with his abominable action because her mother is undocumented, and therefore subhuman, and therefore powerless. You have, in short, plenty of Americans who are all too ready to transform their country into a fascist, white supremacist hell.
The Republican base has become such a rage-spitting hate cult that they LOVE this evil, even as anyone with the tiniest shred of decency is understandable appalled. But hey, they apparently like Kim Jong-un more than Nancy Pelosi, because the only value remaining to them is fealty to the Grand Wizard Grifter. After less than two years, they prefer the dude who runs slave labor camps to the woman who thinks human beings deserve health care.
Meanwhile Kirstjen Nielsen literally demands “don’t believe those dirty journalists, with their photographic evidence and their eyewitness accounts! WE, THE BENEVOLENT STATE, HOLD THE ONLY TRUTH!” Withered Hate Demon Ann Coulter suggests children are only ACTING when they express the slightest displeasure at being ripped away from their families. The ghouls at Fux Nooz suggest these kids should be grateful for their detention.
Perhaps in a few months, when the trade war has wrecked the economy, Jesse Watters will suggest that we can no longer afford to feed these children whose lives we’ve destroyed. Perhaps a more permanent, more…final solution is called for.
Fuck, there hasn’t been a joke on this so-called political satire blog for quite awhile now. I’m sorry, friends, I just can’t find humor in this monstrousness.
Oh wait, here’s one: How many Trump Administration Officials does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
NONE, THEY’RE TRYING TO PLUNGE THE ENTIRE WORLD INTO DARKNESS HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!!!!!
That joke sucks, I know. So does real life right now. I hope you’re up for a fight, dear reader, because a fight is what you’ve got.
There’s more, I know. There’s Shartboy backing out of the U.N. Human Rights Council and the Senate shitting on his plan to let China and ZTE off the hook and god knows what else. But I haven’t the strength right now.