Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Today, We Gather as One People to Celebrate Our President’s Hypothetical Bravery
Great leaders inspire. Some with their actions, others with…proclamations of what they’re pretty sure their actions would have been. Ok, maybe that second kind isn’t so great. But it’s what we’re stuck with.
I don’t know if I covered this in the last blog, but Paul Manafort got himself a fresh set of shiny new indictments. It’s like he’s at the all-you-can-eat indictment bar, and really wants his money’s worth, y’know? He probably got indicted again while you were reading this.
My point is, I reserve the right to periodically miss news of yet another Manafort indictment, because the fucker gets indicted like Jughead eats hamburgers. Going forward, unless specifically informed otherwise, assume Paul Manafort got indicted again.
Anyhoo, Paulie’s sidekick Rick Gates has for real and for sure this time actually decided to take a plea deal and cooperate with the Bobadook. Unless he gets cold feet again at the sentencing. Such a flighty little money launderer!
Don’t ask Gates to pick out a restaurant, is all I’m saying.
Before we move on, I want to make sure everybody takes an extra moment to laugh at Manafort, who seems to gotten caught at least in part because he needed help converting a document from PDF format to Word. “I would’ve gotten away with it, if it weren’t for you kids and your newfangled computers!” he’ll bellow, as he’s led away in chains.
…you sort of expect the whole house of cards to eventually come tumbling down because Mike Pence never cleared the treason e-mails out of his spam folder.
The NRA’s meltdown continues, as the American people continue to rally around a controversial, new, “Tired of Being Murdered” platform.
Because they’re nasty, hateful, dishonest, monsters with no good arguments, the gun nut crowd doesn’t know what the fuck to do about the teenagers who are fucking up their shit so royally. So they just keep attacking the kids, which naturally backfires, because they are, after all, grieving children who never should have had to go through what they’ve gone through.
And when you attack grieving children, you look like a massive fuckwad. (I mean, if you attack grieving children, you ARE a massive fuckward.) So the teens keep spreading their message and gaining support, and every hour or so another dickhead loses their shit and starts screaming that a photo of some of them smiling is irrefutable proof that they’re all crisis actors because everyone knows that experiencing grief means you never enjoy a single moment of your life ever again.
Still, the corporate partners keep fleeing, the polling has become genuinely brutal, and to be perfectly frank, the NRA just never bothered to prepare more than a few days’ worth of bullshit talking points, because the Tread Water Until the Media Moves On strategy has served them so well for so long.
Georgia’s Lieutenant Governor threatened Georgia-based Delta Airlines that they better give the death merchants their discounts back or boy oh boy will I retaliate when we’re writing tax laws, which is pretty much the Most Free Market Thing Ever.
It sure is neat when elected officials threaten to punish companies that don’t support said elected officials’ favored lobbying organizations. Ah, the tyranny of Not Getting a Discount! Surely the founding fathers are rolling in their very graves at such injustice!
Now, staring down a midterm electoral spanking, and a foe who relentlessly refuses to stop absolutely owning them on social media, the GOP has shifted from “You can pry gun control laws from our cold dead hands” to “what’s the bare minimum we can get away with doing?” which I guess counts as progress.
So today maybe we ban bump stocks and close background check loopholes…tomorrow we boot NRA stooges from congress in a beautiful blue wave.
Oh, but the Shart campaign is actually FUNDRAISING off a picture of his blink-and-you’ll-miss-me, hurry-up-I’m-late-for-a-disco-party, pop-in visit with a hospitalized shooting victim, because hey, when you’ve left decency so far behind you, why bother with appearances?
Another survivor commented that she’d “never been so unimpressed by a person in my life,” after receiving an awkward condolence call from the Amazing Man Without Empathy, and the rest of America was all “I feel you, sister.”
Anyway, I bet the strategy of bombarding the survivors with death threats will work out really well for you, gun nuts. Truly, what does the American public love more? Who can forget Paul Revere’s famous Midnight Anonymous Death Threat Marathon?
The annual gathering of frothy maniacs known as CPAC came to an end with one prominent speaker musing about what a mistake it was that one time they let a black guy be RNC chair and also are we 100% sure that surrendering at the end of the Civl War is totally binding?
Meanwhile, another speaker got roundly booed and heckled for saying a bunch of total libtard shit like “Maybe we shouldn’t invite white supremacists to talk at our conventions,” “sexual assault is bad and therefore sexual assaulters are bad,” and of course the straight-out-of-Alinksy “running child molesters for United States Senate is an additional thing which is bad.”
Nice folks, that CPAC crowd.
“Senior Advisor” Ivanka Trump played diplomat in South Korea over the weekend, because while we COULD leave statecraft to experienced professionals, really, what does the government of the United States of America exist for, if not to let the President’s daughter try on various critical jobs like so many hats?
Maybe next week she’ll head over to the FDA to approve whatever drugs happen to be dispensed in pills that compliment her fall handbag line.
While Princess Ivanka wants you to know that growing up playing Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego qualifies her to conduct diplomacy at the highest levels, she is simultaneously an unjustly put-upon private citizen when a journalist asks her to comment on her father’s well-documented history of being a skeevy, rapey, pervert.
Yeah, the Princess gets super-indignant when that shit comes up, because she really wants to be known as a Mighty Champion of Women Everywhere without actually, y’know…doing anything to champion women anywhere. And also letting her “I own a beauty pageant so I can ogle naked teenagers” shitsack dad off the hook.
I’m starting to wonder if Demanding Credit for Being an Awesome Person When You’re Actually a Garbage Person might not be genetic.
Adam Schiff’s memo was finally released, and it immediately slapped Devin Nunes’ memo right in the face with its giant dick. If memos had faces. Or dicks. Which I don’t believe they do, though the Schiff memo is heavily redacted.
Anyway, the new memo reveals Nunes is a lying liar who lies about everything, from the origins of the Russia investigation to the sweet nothings he whispers in the ears of the British Saddleback he’s had an on-again, off-again thing with since September.
(He’ll never leave his wife, Beulah. You should find someone who appreciates you.)
Word on the street is, Sharty McFly wants to make his personal pilot the head of the whole fucking Federal Aviation Administration. Fine. Whatever. Oh, by the way, Stormy Daniels is Chairman of the Joint Chiefs now.
The Velveeta Vulgarian’s lawyers continue their desperate search for some reason, other than “C’mon, man, you can’t put him under oath, he’ll lie about what color his tie is!” to shield their client from an interview with Robert Mueller. The latest, and most laughable tack is that he’s…hold on, this is hard to even type…he’s…heheheheheh…he’s too…HAHAHAHAHAHH…too BUSY!
BUSY! BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAH! Oh fuck. Couldn’t interrupt the four hours of live-tweeting cable news, right? Or the weekly golf vacations?
Axios reports that Tangerine Idi Amin talks privately about imposing the death penalty on drug dealers, because the leader of the free world looks upon a murderous thug like Rodrigo Duterte with envy, heaven help us all.
CNN informed us that none of the six Republican Congressdopes heading the committees tasked with oversight of the executive branch will investigate the Marmalade Shartcannon’s personal finances because…hell, because they know they’d turn up a fuckton of extremely illegal shit, and they’d just rather not do that.
Whatever. We’ll just have to pry those gavels out of their grubby, collaborating, hands. The midterms are closer than they’ve ever been, fuckheads.
…Now they’re even closer.
A new NBC/Marist poll says 82% of registered voters laughed their fucking asses off when they heard Donnie Dotard claim he would’ve run into the Parkland high school during the shooting, wrestling the assailant to the ground with his entirely normal-sized man hands.
Yes, Fat Q*Bert’s tales of hypothetical bravery were met with what historians will likely call The Great National Eyeroll of 2018. And then of course we spent the rest of the day talking about how he’s a draft dodging coward who’s afraid of everything from germs to stairs.
Be honest…how many times did you watch that gif of him cowering next to that eagle? I’m at like, 60.
Before I sign off, let’s check in on the Shitty Cinemax Softcore Porn Film known as…MISSOURI POLITICS!
Recently Indicted (Though Not Nearly as Many Times as Paul Manafort) Governor Eric Greitens now faces an investigation by the Mizzou State House, plus calls to resign from members of his own party. The moral of the story here is DON’T TIE PEOPLE UP NAKED SO YOU CAN TAKE PHOTOS TO BLACKMAIL THEM WITH, which apparently is a lesson we need to be teaching people in these troubled times. Aesop had some blind spots, I guess.
And serial pedophile Roy Moore popped up to endorse Douchey Woman-Hater Courtland Sykes in the state’s GOP Senate primary, because there’s an angel up there looking out for Claire McCaskill, and it is an angel with one sick sense of humor.
…I look forward to the Moore/Sykes Presidential ticket in 2020, running as candidates of the Why Isn’t Dinner on the Table Yet, Child Bride? Party.
And I guess ex-Fux Nooz commentator Stacey Dash has decided to run for congress. She’s picked a heavily Democratic district and a wave year, so you have to wonder…does she think she can really win, or is she just…CLUELESS? HAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHH GET IT BECAUSE SHE WAS IN A MOVE CALLED ‘CLUELESS’ I BET I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO MADE THAT JOKE HAHAAHAHAH!
Anyhow, it is Shower Cap’s one and only BIRTHDAY tomorrow, so I’m gonna turn in early. Celebrate the occasion by spreading my stuff around like so much manure. (Or, if you’re so inclined…buy me a beer!)