Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Nut Punches to the NRA AND Humiliation for Marco Rubio? What Should I Do With My Third Wish?
In the interest of full disclosure, I should let you know that Shower Cap is still a bit under the weather tonight, and thus tonight’s post was composed by a crisis blogger.
Bad news for the deluded fools who imagined Mitt Romney’s Utah Senate run would herald the return of decency to the Republican Party, as Mittens wasted no time whatsoever abasing himself over the Marmalade Shartcannon’s endorsement.
You almost feel sorry for these guys. Like, do you not remember how quickly all of Mitt’s bold criticisms of Trump vanished into thin air once he got a whiff of the Secretary of State post? Dogs gotta bark, fish gotta swim, Mitt Romney gotta pander. Death, taxes, Mitt Romney abandoning his loudly-professed “values.”
Fresh drama on The Real Jagoffs of the Executive Branch! General Kelly and Jared Kushner are having a slap fight over access to highly classified intelligence! Kelly takes the How the Fuck is This Even a Little Bit Controversial position that if you, say, can’t get your security clearance because of the OVER ONE HUNDRED LIES, excuse me, “errors and ommisions” on your clearance forms, then maybe you shouldn’t get to casually peruse the most sensitive information on the planet.
Jar-Jar counters that he really WANTS to keep getting top secret intel, because it makes him feel like a big special boy and he needs all the help he can get to get out of financial trouble and also to “bring peace to the Middle East,” snicker snicker.
I SWEAR I read something about Republicans being mad at Hillary Clinton over her irresponsible handling of classified intel, but that can’t be right, that would mean all these people are enormous hypocrites!
And National Security Advisor/Non-Turkish Agent H.R. McMaster may be on the way out! Donnie Two-Scoops is super mad that H.R. said mean things about the Russians interfering in our elections, and hey, having one competent guy hanging around makes everyone else look bad, right?
McMaster’s replacement is rumored to be a Teddy Ruxpin doll equipped with a cassette tape filled with compliments of the President’s hair.
But most of the news this week has been about guns and gun control. Normally, the media has moved on from the latest mass shooting tragedy by now, but these Stoneman Douglas kids are savvy as fuck, and they’ve just been tap-dancing on the NRA’s balls for days now, with no signs of letting up.
Several surviving students travelled to the Florida capital, just in time to sit in the gallery as the House voted overwhelmingly to not even bother going through the motions of pretending to consider an assault weapons ban.
Understandably, the students became emotional, because it sucks to see the people who’re supposed to be your representatives stand right in front of you, middle fingers raised high, declaring that they don’t give a fuck about your suffering and won’t do one fucking thing to spare anyone else the same fate.
Perhaps I’m being too hard on Florida legislature. They were, in all fairness, busy declaring pornography a public health risk. Surely, who can forget the tragedy that took place when that one guy rampaged through a school, killing 17 students and teachers with a sticky VHS copy of Debbie Does Dallas?
Dinesh D’Souza, reading the moment with Trumpian clarity, took the children’s despair as cue for a victory lap. “In your FACE, kids-whose-friends-were-murdered!!!!! GOOOOOOO TEAM MURDER!”
There are no longer intellectuals in the Republican Party, only trolls.
And Dinesh isn’t even the shittiest shitsack to open up their shit mouth and vomit their diarrhea into the world.
GOP CongressDemon Claudia Tenney, apparently super-eager for her really-quite-swingable district’s voters to boot her indecent ass straight to the private sector, raged about how the LIBRUL MEDIA covers up how mass shooters are usually Dirty Democrats like how “Dylann Roof” is really David Plouffe’s stage name for when he does his cabaret show and also shoots up churches.
Point is, Tenney is hot trash and we really need to make sure that Blue Wave saves a splash for the New York 22nd.
And let’s not forget Shart, Jr., merrily spreading the vilest conspiracy theories from the most deranged corners of the far-right jagosphere. Again, how utterly broken do you have to be to require a deep state conspiracy to explain anti-gun activism from a kid whose classmates were murdered?
Anyway, forget the asshole brigade for a minute. Let’s stand up and applaud these teenagers! You see these young people standing up right in the face of the NRA’s paid stooges, calling them exactly what they are, which is uncaring profiteers, and you wonder…why didn’t we do this ages ago?
And shit, y’all…watching these clips of Marco Rubio getting so thoroughly OWNED, over and over, by these kids, and their teachers and parents…I’ll never need pornography again. It’s the sexxxiest thing I’ve ever seen.
Rubio, the emptiest shirt this side of Hawley Griffin, panicked and pandered a bit, but swiftly took to the Electronic Tweeting Machine to reassure his death merchant masters of his fidelity.
NRA SpokesDemon Dana Loesch was on her best behavior, and let’s talk about what it says about the state of your soul when your BEST behavior involves so much deception, condescension, and concern trolling.
Loesch didn’t have to wait long to wash the stink of faux decency off. The very next day, before the raving hoards at CPAC, she belched up some bile about mass shootings being the media’s fault, because…well, there’s never any “because,” not really. There doesn’t need to be. That audience doesn’t need details, just a target to hate.
(Also at CPAC, Ted Cruz boasted about his role in keeping weapons of war legally available to any asshole who wants them, I guess because he feels he’s not getting enough credit for the 17 Parkland funerals. He went on to declare Democrats the “party of Lisa Simpson,” because resentment of intelligence is a core conservative value.)
Now, the Quivering Custard Coward was absolutely not man enough to attend to the CNN town hall, so he hosted his own “listening session,” with a friendlier crowd in much safer space. Few were the calls for gun control, and the big takeaway was that the President of the United States of America required a cheat sheet to be reminded to demonstrate empathy, because he is a sociopath who otherwise would’ve started hitting on the high school girls.
(Can we talk about the kind of human being who needs to write “I hear you” down? We’ve got a President who couldn’t handle a customer service gig at the Gap.)
Anyhow, the Velveeta Vulgarian displayed the full range of his mental prowess, suggesting that one thing that might help would be if movies and video games had some sort of “ratings” system designed to keep children away from excessively violent content.
Yeah, that happened, folks. In real life. Next week he’ll hold a press conference to call for cup holders in automobiles.
Oh, and he wants to arm teachers. He’s particularly pleased with the economics of his little idea, because it’s cheaper than hiring armed guards. Yep, while making sure everyone’s up to speed on the Pythagorean theorem, or exploring the themes of MADAME BOVARY, your overworked-and-underpaid public school teacher will now be expected to keep the corner of their eye on the classroom door, prepared to stave off a mass-murderer at a moment’s notice. MAKES SENSE.
Meanwhile, we also learned that during the Parkland shooting, the designated “good guy with a gun,” a sheriff’s deputy, rather than engaging the shooter…froze. Now, this is sad for all kinds of reasons, and I don’t want to dump on this guy, he’s gonna spend the rest of his life punishing himself, and he probably should.
But can we at least learn the important lesson here? So much of the lunacy from the gibbering gun nut crowd is based on the idea that only MORE guns will make us safer, because once the bullets start flying, Captain Good Guy, despite his lack of experience or training, will calmly put two or three right between the (more heavily-armed) shooter’s eyes, EASY-PEASY.
So, honestly, HOW FUCKING STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE to imagine it’d be that simple? Here we have a trained, professional, law-enforcement officer who FROZE. There are all kinds of dispiriting statistics out there regarding the shooting accuracy of ACTUAL COPS. News flash, cowboys; a live shooter situation is a WEE BIT more stressful than Call of Duty. YES, EVEN THE LAST FEW LEVELS.
Just a suggestion, but maybe we should stop considering the baseless fantasies of underdeveloped manchildren when we’re sorting out life or death issues.
But the news is better than it’s ever been. Things really are different this time. “Yeah, we’ve heard that before!” shouts the cynic in the back. Fair.
But looka here: the NRA’s brand is FINALLY becoming as toxic as it deserves to be, and the corporate partnerships are evaporating. First National Bank of Omaha announced they’re discontinuing their NRA (10% cash back on bullets that murder children!) credit card. And later in the day, a major car rental conglomerate pulled out, too.
It’s gonna take awhile, but we’ve finally got these fuckers on the run. November 6th is going to be a very bad night for the National Rifle Association.
Iowa Republican CongressThing Rod Blum violated some ethics rules, probably because he’s seeking a cabinet post, and if you don’t have a few crimes on your resume, you can’t even get your foot in the door these days.
Oh, and the GOP has paid Donnie Dotard’s ex-bodyguard, Keith Schiller, more than 75 grand out a slush fund with is totally not hush money, shut up, your FACE is hush money!
Didja see that thing where the President of United States threatened to withdraw a law enforcement agency from a state he’s mad at, the idea being, the ensuing crime wave would make them so sorry that they’d come crawling back and beg him to unleash his ICEstapo on them once more, and also maybe teach them how to tie their neckties so freakishly long, we’re sorry for mocking it, it’s actually really stylish?
So apparently Rick Gates will NOT be rolling over and plea bargaining just yet. Instead, he’s got his legal team playing musical chairs, I think he’s claiming to be represented by Paul Newman’s character from THE VERDICT by now.
Anyhow, Bob Mueller said, “That’s cool, bro, you do you,” and promptly slapped him (and Manafort) upside the head with a fresh new 32-count indictment. THIRTY-TWO. FUCK.
If they’ve been keeping up their punch cards, Manafort and Gates will eligible for a free indictment soon!
Mueller also indicted Dutch lawyer Alex van der Zwaan, son-in-law of a Tremendously Fancy Russia Oligarch, for his attempts to infiltrate S.H.I.E.L.D and kill Nick Fury. Excuse me, for “lying to investigators.”
The United States Citizenship and Immigration Services’ mission will no longer include language about our country being “a nation of immigrants” because didn’t you get the memo, white people are totally native to this continent now, in fact Stephen Miller sprung, fully formed, from his own forehead!
Hey, if you were hoping to see video of a Nazi with outstanding warrants physically threatening an American journalist, Seb Gorka has good news for you!
Just to wrap up on a note of raw schadenfreude, Missouri Governor Eric Greitens’ non-consensual-dirty-picture-taking habit caught up with him in a big fucking way. Yes, 49 of our governors were not taken into custody by law enforcement today; the other one was Eric Greitens.
Greitens, a protege of Mike Pence, is 31 flavors of fucked now. Indicted by a grand jury, with an investigation by the state House about to launch, I don’t think he’s a GOP “rising star” anymore, do you?
Oh, and the Candycorn Skidmark tweeted a widely-debunked story about CNN banning a kid from the town hall for refusing to read a scripted question. No biggie, just the leader of the free world using his platform to spread misinformation as part of his ongoing war on the free press.
There’s probably more, but I really need to watch those Rubio videos some more.
LMAO to keep from crying. Thanks, Cap.
ALWAYS love a good Marvel Universe reference. As we know, Nick Fury is not dead yet!
Absolutely love your blog! Look forward to a good laugh each time I see you pop up in my email. Especially hilarious are the different names you come up with for (what I like to call) the rotting sea walrus!
Hmmm… Ted Cruz… Nikolas Cruz… Nah! No way are they connected.
On another note, while the hue of the president would be remarkably the same, having Lisa Simpson as President would be a marked improvement over the current Dorito-in-Chief.
Keep up the good work, Cap!
Your shit is off the chain funny as well as on point.
Good on ya bro.
Thank you for your blog post.Really thank you! Awesome.
I’ve noticed people aren’t really asking me why I’m running for office anymore. Seems pretty obvious at this stage. Thanks for keeping me sane!