Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
We Know How to Beat COVID, and COVID Still Outsmarted Us: Yet Another Week in Hell
Three years of resisting has toughened you up, hasn’t it? After impeachment and COVID and the Bowling Green Massacre, surely you can handle anything. So when you hear about the massive dust plume from the Sahara Desert rolling over the United States, you just throw up your middle fingers, shout “You call that news? COME AT ME, PLUME!” and wait for Don Lemon to get to the good stuff.
Seriously…giant dust cloud? Are you kidding me? An hour of CNN is like a production of The Grapes of Wrath set inside a live volcano. Fuck.
You’d think Government Cheese Goebbels would’ve had his fill of public humiliation after the Million Imaginary Friend March in Tulsa, but he came back to the buffet for seconds with Tuesday’s GOP primaries. In North Carolina, the Turdworm-endorsed candidate lost to a 24-year-old by 30 points, while in Kentucky, Littlefinger’s attempt to excommunicate Rep. Thomas Massie from Congress actually went even worse. Turns out catastrophic, economy-demolishing mismanagement of a deadly pandemic is bad for the ol’ brand, who’da guessed?
Getting back to Tulsa real quick, numerous Shart Campaign staffers who worked the event have now tested positive for COVID-19, and dozens of Secret Service agents have been forced to quarantine in the aftermath of Donnie Two-Scoops’ failed ego trip. Wow, how awesome is that gig these days? “Yeah, I’m supposed to take a bullet for this walking buttpimple who’s trying to destroy everything I’ve ever loved about my country, but hey, at least he exposed me to a disease that may kill me or damage my body for the rest of my life.”
Louie Gohmert successfully defended his Dumbest Man in Congress title, disrupting a House Judiciary hearing by repeatedly banging his ring on the table, like some sort of bumpkin Khrushchev. Naturally, Louie’s petulant little stunt made headlines, drawing massive amounts of attention to the very witness statements he was trying to drown out, which a man with a functioning brain would’ve realized; such considerations don’t seem to occur to the voters of the Texas 1st, however.
One of Sharty McFly’s least qualified judicial appointees (and shudder at that assessment for a moment) ordered Judge Emmet G. Sullivan to dismiss the case against Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn, even though everybody agrees Flynn did what he’s accused of, including Flynn himself, who confessed. Twice. There’s some hope for further review, but you have to admit, being able to select federal judges has turned out to be quite a boon for the Trump family crime syndicate.
Senate Democrats blocked Republicans’ bullshit “We’ve Thought About Police Reform and Decided Things’re Pretty Much Fine” bill, while House Dems managed to round up bipartisan support for their own “Hey, How ‘Bout We Actually Do Something About This Shit” version. Meanwhile, Mitch McConnell* experienced a wheezing, dusty turtlegasm for the first time in decades, as his sinister partnership with Baron Golfin von Fatfuk yielded its 200th federal judicial confirmation, and your 200th reason to fart on any smug third party voters you may come across.
Devin Nunes remains winless in the World Cow-Suing Federation, with a judge ruling he can neither sue Twitter nor force it to reveal to him the names behind anonymous bovine accounts dedicated to the righteous cause of mocking his cheap, sweaty, wannabe-fascist ass. I confess, this humiliation of one of Tangerine Idi Amin’s wormiest thugs recharges my batteries with the schadenfreude I need to get through my fucking day. I never said I was nice.
So, we know how to contain COVID-19. It’s been figured out. It’s not a fucking secret. It’s right here on the internet, you don’t even need to identify which photographs contain palm trees or streetlights to unlock it, yea, even bots are free to partake of this UNIVERSALLY KNOWN INFORMATION. Stay home when you can. Social distancing otherwise. Wear a fucking mask. Easy. Also, Peasy.
And yet, this fucking disease is treating the United States like we’re the Washington Generals. We just experienced the single-day record for newly-reported cases, MONTHS after we figured out how to contain the little bastard. Florida alone reported almost nine thousand cases today. And again, we know what to do, we’re just not doing it. It’s like the fire department showing up to a burning building and trying to extinguish the blaze by reciting Coleridge at it, WHAT THE LIVING FUCK DID YOU IMAGINE WOULD HAPPEN?
See, now it’s official: watching Sean Hannity can kill you. Not-even-remotely-surprising new studies connect the consumption of wingnut disinformation with increased coronavirus spread, which is measurable now because declaring your tribal allegiance to Trumpism literally means endangering your own life by engaging in medically unsafe behavior. Chuck frickin’ Todd couldn’t both-sides this shit. I mean, we’ve got our share of asshole pundits on the left, but nobody has to conduct formal research into whether exposing oneself to Bill Maher’s insufferable self-regard shortens one’s lifespan.
They’re having so much fun with their coronavirus outbreak down in Arizona that Scottsdale Republican Counciljag Guy Phillips decided he was just the wrinkly old white dude to invoke George Floyd, whining “I can’t breathe” from behind a mask, which he then theatrically removed, to the applause of the assembled shitsacks. Yes Guy, public health officials and basic human decency are essentially crushing your throat for 8 minutes and 46 seconds in asking you to wear a tiny piece of cloth over your face to help slow the spread of a disease that’s killed 127,000 of your countrymen. Incidentally, if you feel oppressed by being asked to do such a small, simple thing for your community, you’re broken. You’re a failed human. Please lock yourself indoors until it’s time for reincarnation.
And STILL the plan, at least as far as Team Treasonweasel is concerned, is to act as though things are not only hunky, but also dory. These fucks are actually shutting down testing sites, even as they lose control of the virus’ spread. I’ve written about this garbage for years now, I am one thoroughly-boiled frog, okay, but I simply cannot wrap my head around the horror of the lethal collision of Hairplug Himmler’s re-election strategy with his criminally negligent coronavirus response; he really and truly, in real fucking life, is pursuing a strategy of denying reality and undermining truthful reporting, in order to project a deadly facsimile of normalcy, to lure folks into the lion’s den to be devoured by an economy rigged to benefit only his billionaire buddies. (Will that fit on a ball cap, I wonder?)
Oh, and the Die Plebs Die Administration decided to use some of the time they aren’t spending combatting the pandemic to petition the Supreme Court to overturn Obamacare, because even with the current, almost-unfathomable COVID numbers, we just aren’t dying off quickly enough for these jerks. And of course, they’ll spin right around and insist they’ll always take care of folks with pre-existing conditions, despite their well-documented attempt to pass a bill that destroyed those very protections, famously thwarted by a single, now-deceased thumb. The Republican electoral strategy hinges largely on tricking people into believing they’re just mean Democrats.
Former Republican Presidential Candidate/Ted Cruz’s Running Mate for the Length of a Ramones Song Carly Fiorina told the world she’s voting for Smilin’ Joe Biden, SEE LISA MURKOWSKI, THAT WASN’T HARD AT ALL. Anyway, welcome to the Resistance, Carly…I guess. The donuts and coffee are really more for like, phone-bankers and door-knockers, so if you wanted to just write a check and leave, that’d be fine.
Tom Cotton imagines America listened to his blithering, hateful, bad-faith rant against D.C. statehood and heard the high-faultin’, mega-principled, finely-tuned rhetoric of a modern-day Cicero, instead of a third-rate Proud Boy Den Mother snarling ONLY WHITE FOLKS GET SENATORS, because Tom Cotton is right around 2% as smart as Tom Cotton thinks he is. He also probably imagines the bit where he explained why the (white) residents of Wyoming are super great Real Americans™️ while the (black) residents of Washington, D.C. are…something else, something lesser, was a deftly subtle dog whistle that nobody picked up on.
But hey, kudos to House Dems for passing that D.C. statehood bill! It’s not going anywhere right now, but come Biden Time? Different animal. Anyway, the D.C. statehood train is a train you should get on. The food in the dining car is excellent, and the implications for democracy are even better.
For the second time in a week, courts refused to halt the publication of a book on the dubious legal grounds that it would embarrass the Crook Family Robinshart so piss on the first amendment, piss on it with Russian hookers. Technically it was Fat Q*Bert’s brother who got his ass beat in court this time, but I think we’re still allowed to point and laugh. And unlike the tawdry tome penned by the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton’s Upper lip, we might actually buy Mary Trump’s book.
Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet himself took yet another judicial jackhammer to the scrotum, when a federal appeals court panel reminded him that he’s not allowed to raid congressionally-appropriated military funds at will to pay for his Big Dumb Wall. Try Mexico again, assclown…you’ll probably have to call though, since I doubt they’ll permit travel from our COVID-invested shithole country.
ANYWAY, in other news, it turns out a Russian military intelligence unit did this fun little thing where they paid bounties to Afghan militants to kill American troops.
Now, we the public are just finding out about this shit today, but military intelligence has known for months, and President Crotchrot himself was briefed in March. Another fun thing here is how, under normal circumstances, you’d expect the Commander in Chief to do something to protect or avenge our fighting forces, but after 3 years of the Turd Reich, nobody even considers that possibility because the whole world understands the American President is Putin’s personal sock puppet. COOL.
(Need I even mention that Vlad would have been too terrified of Hillary Clinton to pull anything like that shit?)
And that’s the news from, again, and I cannot stress this enough…real life. Do you understand why I drink? Stay away from the ‘rona, my friends. I’ll see you next week. I hope.
*Meanwhile, Mitch McConnell sounds like a shitty sitcom collaboration between C-SPAN and Nick at Nite, doesn’t it?