
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.

Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.

Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.

Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.

Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.

The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.

Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.

NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Y‘know, If Putin Put Bounties on Confederate Monuments, He’d Be in Trouble
Anybody else spending their idle quarantine hours trying to figure some way to tunnel into the neighboring reality where Hillary Clinton is President and we can all eat at restaurants by now? No? Well, that’s totally why I’m slashing at the air in front of me with an LSD-laced ice cream scoop, it’s not like I’ve gone completely insane or anything. But as long as you’re trapped in here with me, we may as well hit the news, right?
I guess the big headline is that COVID-19 keeps on ripping America a new asshole pretty much daily. Hell, there’re so many newly-ripped assholes you’re going to get sick of newly-ripped assholes. We’re basically Argus, only with assholes instead of eyes. That’s how much this virus is fucking our shit up.
Yes, we remain incapable of controlling this outbreak even though we figured out how to control it, because millions of allegedly adult Americans have constructed their entire identities around that impulse a toddler has when it doesn’t want to eat its peas. Well, freedumb isn’t free, and states like Florida, Arizona, and Texas have spiraled out of control, with some communities even brushing up against their hospital capacity limits, despite having been HANDED A GIFT-WRAPPED MANUAL ON HOW TO AVOID THIS EXACT FUCKING SITUATION.
Now, I know it’s been difficult to wrap your head around the fact that the President of the United States decided fighting this pandemic just wasn’t his fucking job, but when you see the shit he DOES invest time and energy into, it’s a miracle your brain doesn’t dynamite its way out of your skull and run screaming into the night. What I’m trying to tell you is that even as he’s further scaled back the government’s non-response to COVID-19, the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits somehow found a moment to issue a new executive order aiming to crack down on the scourge of Confederate monument-toppling.
Oh well. It’s been a good fight, but surely this means the Apprentice in Hell has been renewed for four more years. No doubt any votes the Velveeta Vulgarian may have lost by drowning the economy in a Wal-Mart urinal or negligently getting tens of thousands of Americans killed will be overwhelmed by the avalanche of unchecked populism inspired by such a fierce defense of Dead White Dudes Who Are Famous for Losing Fights.
But even as the Loser King battled to save his loser statues, the state of Mississippi finally, FINALLY voted to remove the stars n’ bars of the Confederacy from their flag, joining the 20th century at last. (They’re not quite ready for the 21st. Baby steps.) That the Game Show Grand Wizard’s veryfine tantrums have only accelerated the destruction of these pathetic glorifications of his failed, hate-warped “culture” makes you almost wish his brain worked well enough to comprehend irony.
During an interview with screeching hatemarmot Sean Hannity, Wee Donnie Two-Scoops was unable to articulate a rationale for seeking a second term, partially because his addled, deteriorating brain is barely capable of articulating an order in the Wendy’s drive-thru, partially because he somehow stopped himself from admitting “I’m just trying to stay out of jail, bro.” Trump 2020: Yes the Plane is Crashing and Yes It’s on Fire, But White People Get All the First Class Seats is basically where we’re at now.
And yeah, while hard at work directing the coronavirus response, excuse me, that doesn’t seem right…oh yes, I see my mistake, let me start again. While golfing, the Pusillanimous Pussy-Grabber approvingly retweeted a video of one of his dirtbag supporters shouting “white power” at protesters before scooting away on his little golf cart; truly Trumpism is an entire lifestyle brand, basically Goop for the hateful, with slightly fewer products designed to smell like a crotch.
So we got to do that silly little dance again, where Shart-O the Clown and his allies get all indignant that anyone would dare suggest he’s racist, even though his entire re-election strategy has devolved into Yes I Suck at Absolutely Everything But I Will Keep Hurting Black and Brown People and honestly, while I’m exhausted by the never-ending atrocity, I’m getting pretty sick of the bad theatre, too.
As always, a few pundits, desperately clinging to obsolete ideas about long-abandoned norms, keep on insisting Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot is playing 12-dimensional chess, distracting America from the Russian bounty scandal with a shocking tweet; that he’s something more than just a terrified, Adderall-saturated primate flinging turds at the wall as fast as he can shit them, to which I say we are now talking about BOTH the white power tweet AND the Putin bounties, so unless Wisconsin contains ten or twenty thousand voters who were going to stay home unless one candidate really distinguished himself in the twin fields of racism and treason, I don’t think this one is playing out in Shart Garfunkel’s favor.
But yes, fallout from Bounties on Our troops? Sounds Great Vlad!-gate continues to mount, because, in perhaps the last area of bipartisan consensus in Washington, even Republicans don’t believe American soldiers should be hunted for sport. The Shart House initially tried screaming “fake news,” because there are only so many settings on the see n’ say wheel Sarah Slanders passed down to Kayleigh McEnany, but that didn’t work as more and more outlets confirmed the initial story from the Failing New York Times.
As more and more stories surfaced, the date President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster would have received this intelligence in a briefing kept moving further and further back, and his continuing obsequious deference to Putin (“Hey Vlad! Vlad! You wanna come to the G7 at my house, Vlad? I can TOTALLY get you back in, buddy!”) seemed even more treacherous in context.
The current defense seems to be “C’mon, everybody knows the President is way too lazy and stupid to read,” which is…honestly, plausible. Shit, I think they might have us there, folks. The “too incompetent to be criminal” defense has served the GOP well since at least the days of Alberto Gonzales.
Because he possesses the intellect of a hamster’s rectum, the Candycorn Skidmark has come to the conclusion that his current electoral troubles have grown not from the lethally botched pandemic response, or the Great Depression-level unemployment, or the fact that his campaign strategy has been to personally give hand jobs to every Proud Boy, Boogaloo Brat and Klansman in America, but simply from failing to hang a sufficiently childish nickname on Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr. This is literally what he spends his time doing while we’re dying by the thousands.
Anyway asshole, to solve your little dilemma, when you’re petitioning for your pardon, “Mr. Biden, sir” will do fine.
Mike Pants keeps on holding maskless public events, and COVID-19 keeps on being completely unimpressed, probably because it’s too busy devouring the smorgasbord of freedumb-crazed dipshits that keep jumping in front of it like coked-up lemmings.
It truly does seem like everyone connected even tangentially to the Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus is hellbent on refusing to learn the widely-accepted lessons on containing this virus. South Dakota’s Republidolt Governor, Kristi Noem, brags that they won’t being doing any of that stupid cuck “social distancing” crap at Sharty McFly’s Mount Rushmore shindig this Friday, and we can all see the tantrums coming when Jacksonville, Florida’s new mask mandate collides with his planned My Father Never Loved Me I Guess the Adulation of Hateful Strangers Will Just Have to Do RNC speech. Campers, there was an outbreak among his staff at the Tulsa rally; learn from that or don’t, it’s up to you.
Stochastic terrorism: it’s not just for 4chan-addicted incels anymore! No, just as heavy metal morphed into commercial power balladry to conquer strip mall music shops, now Dylann Roof has given way to Mark and Patricia McCloskey, a couple of doughy suburbanite John Wicks* with Bloomingdale’s accounts and military-grade firearms. See, if you’re rich and white enough, the Lawn Which Others Must Keep Off Of expands to wheresoever you deign to cast your eyes, and the mere proximity of the peasant classes, however peaceful, is more than enough to justify threatening mass murder, though it may be necessary to pay the help overtime to cleanse said lawn of the resultant gore, alas and alack.
Iran issued an arrest warrant for the Marmalade Shartcannon over that one terrorist murder of a high-ranking military official he ordered and yeah, I admit I indulged in a quick “it’s so crazy, it just might work!” fantasy. It was great, I recommend it. Seriously, it’s been a rough week, just take a quick moment to visualize Fuckhead shitting himself in an Iranian prison. See? Brightened your day right up, didn’t it?
One of Government Cheese Goebbels’ biggest internet fan clubs, r/The_Donald on Reddit, has finally been banned for hate speech and harassment, because the political movement built, or at least harnessed, by the current sitting President of the United States is a white supremacist rage cult unfit to mingle with decent folk even in the darkest, dankest corners of the information superhighway. These fucks are getting deplatformed all over social media, actually, which is fantastic. Shame they still get to squat in the executive branch of the federal government until January, though.
Senate Republicans stripped a provision from an intelligence bill that would have required political campaigns to report offers of foreign election assistance, because their party is a hopelessly corrupt gang of authoritarian thugs that will never be able to win a free and fair election again, having lost the trust of the people, but why should a silly little thing that interfere with their ruthless grip on power? Anyway, I’m proud to be a member of the party that still believes in democracy.
And it’s only TUESDAY. Fuck. Get a nap in, Resisters, cuz we’re only halfway through 2020, and I’ll bet the little fucker hasn’t even shown us his fastball yet. Stay safe. Wear a mask. Some third thing, fuck it, I’m tired.
*Johns Wick?
Ooh! Your “drumph in an Iranian prison” fantasy *did* brighten my day!
Thanks!
You and I are ‘wordies’, like some folks are ‘foodies’, and pondering over the plural possibilities of John Wick earns a chef’s kiss:) Saw the McCloskeys characterized online as the leads in the upcoming film sequel: “Mr. & Mrs. Smith: The Golden Corral Years”.
To any of y’all out there feeling particularly disheartened, picking up a pen or a phone can do the same for your spirits. Local director of ‘Shore Flippers’ (we Marylanders have adopted AZ) just dropped off 100 letters for me to personalize with a handwritten note, then address. We’re aiming for registered types who only vote sporadically, hoping to put a legit Space Force guy into the Senate. (First time since John Glenn, IIRC.) There’s likely something each of us can do that might make a difference and doesn’t involve heavy lifting. Still feeling hopeless most days, but it’s better than feeling helpless. If Vlad wins the next one, at least we’ll go down in flames. Soldier on, resisters, and keep the baby, Faith…
Flush the turd
November third
99% spot on but I will renew my dhttps://youtu.be/Eo2ZsAOlvEMesire to see Artie G removed from your litany of “praise” for the Treasurer of Team Treasonweasel.
Breaking Plague Profiteering News #2154!
The antiviral drug Remdesivir has had some promise in treating COVID-19. Clinical trials still have to be done. It was developed and financed by us taxpayers. The drug company Gilead owns it now because corporations own everything. Few industries are as corrupt as Drug Companies. Socialism for the Rich. Gilead will charge $3000 for treatment of a drug paid for by taxpayers.
It is not just Louis Pasteur, but tens of thousands of scientists have worked to discover treatments to fight diseases. They get nothing from Gilead or BigPharma. CEO’s of Drug Companies do not create treatments It is doctors and scientists CEO’s.have no talent other than bribing politicians to get what they want. And the US Government is buying all the Remdesivir that is available. Interesting. How was that deal arranged? But HHS Secretary is pimpimg this drug. Azar and other plague profiteers were also pimping Hydroxy-chloroquine.
The intel on Vlad-gate keeps going back further and further, and I’m sure that, sooner or later, Turdman’s enablers will try to convince us that it was Obama’s fault.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Since discovering your blog many months ago every Tuesday and Friday night I check to make sure your post is in my ‘mail box’ before I head to bed. I sleep better just knowing that I’ll wake up to some really good solid laughs and several, “yeah, exactlies”. I am almost phobic about saying anything online, but I needed you to know how important you are to my, and obviously many others, sanity. Hang in there, Cappy. We really need you to helps us get through this mess. I can keep resisting as long as I can laugh and I’ll keep laughing in order to resist. Thanks for showing the way.
Two Super Spreaders provide more false information about a killer virus. The Lt. Gov. of Texas is as evil as the Plague’s promoters on Fox News. We get more lies because Texas is a plague disaster. So the Lt. Gov. blames Dr. Fauci. The Lt. Gov. had previously urged sacrificing old useless feeders to revive the economy. Now, he slanders and endangers Dr. Fauci of NIH. Fauci and other Health Care scientists have received death threats, as they fight to save lives from COVID-19.
“I don’t need his advice anymore,” when they were discussing the nation’s top infectious disease doctor, Anthony Fauci
“Fauci said today that he’s concerned about states like Texas that skipped over certain things,” Patrick said in a clip from the June 30 show. “He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. We haven’t skipped over anything. The only thing I’m skipping over is listening to him.”
Patrick claimed Fauci “has been wrong every time on every issue,”
Nice to know that someone else has daydreams of what the world would be like if Hillary were president. And all those years ago when Gore was cheated out of his presidency by lamebrain bush; people were so complacent back then – it’s like everyone just gave up. Why weren’t there marches and rallies to support Gore? I guess people thought that there really wasn’t any difference between Democrats and repubs, so it didn’t matter who was president. I guess we know better now.
I’m nominating you for a Nobel Peace prize in mental health! The hits just keep coming from the Rumpian shit parade, and you keep calling them out. Well done, Cap!