Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Welcome Back, Comey, Starring Rod Rosenstein as Horshack
Today we learned that the hand dryers in public restrooms have literally been blowing hot shit all over us for our entire lives. If there’s a more perfect metaphor for life in America under Donald Trump, I shudder to imagine it.
John Bolton and the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to His Lip are cleaning house at the National Security Council. Tom Bossert, Michael Anton, Ricky Waddell, and Nadia Schadlow are out, to be replaced with Bolton’s own people, who’re probably Decepticons or the rats from Room 101 or some shit.
Boy, Mark Zuckerberg dodged a bullet, huh? Imagine fucking up the entire goddamn world as much that nerd has, then when you’re finally called to face accountability, your adjudicators are clueless old people who have no earthly idea what you even do. Like fuckin’ Orrin Hatch, who still worries that indoor plumbing might be man toying with forces beyond his ken, sitting there asking completely irrelevant questions while visibly eroding right before our eyes.
It seems the smarmy propagandists at Sinclair have been positively horny for years now to be Orange Julius Caesar’s own personal state TV. “We are here to deliver your message,” they told him, “We’ll never second guess the size of your hands OR your crowds! Shit, we’ll even report that the Pyramids WERE used to store grain, just for Dr. Ben!”
The failing New York Times reports the Candycorn Skidmark tried to fire Mueller again last December, forcing high-level aides to distract him using a Chinese finger trap, which disabled him for hours until he passed out exhausted with rage, sucking his tiny, inadequate, thumb.
Team Mueller is reportedly looking into additional Seychelles meetings, to see if foreign powers were buying influence from the cartoonishly greedy grifter who happens, tragically, to be the current President of the United States. I’m sure nothing will come of this. Nah, probably just a fantasy football draft. In the Seychelles. Between Drumpf associates, Russian oligarchs, and Saudi princes. Friendly league, just a case of beer and a Chili’s gift card at stake, promise.
Medallions and sex workers, huh? Are they running an investigation or a Game of Thrones cosplay convention? AYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Cohen himself commented on how courteous the FBI were in raiding his home and office. “They left a mint on my pillow, and even watered a few plants I’d neglected,” Cohen said, “I’ve invited many of the agents back for game night.”
Fat Q*Bert continues melting down over the raid, because he knows precisely how much more evidence of his life of crime now rests in the hands of federal law enforcement. He’s so flummoxed, he cancelled his big diplomatic tour of South America, because there’s nothing he hates quite so much as doing his job.
Oh, and the excuse he gave, like a schoolboy calling in sick to get out of a math test, was that he had to stay home and oversee the Syria situation, and I will wager every beer in my fridge that he couldn’t find Syria on a map.
Seems the Shart of the Deal asked North Dakota’s Democratic Senator Heidi Heitkamp to switch parties. And failed. Like always. Because he’s bad at his job. He also asked her to dress up like a rodeo clown and spank him with the opinion page of the Washington Post, and you can guess how that went.
Bob Corker, confronted with the CBO numbers showing the GOP’s Let’s Richen the Rich tax bill blowing up the deficit like one of those little dragon monsters in Dig Dug, said if they were right, it’d be “one of the worst votes I’ve made.” I’ve seen your record, Bob. You’re bass-ackwards wrong on everything from reproductive rights to gun control. ALL your votes are shit. This one can’t be your “worst,” because you voted yourself a fat fuckin’ personal Corker Kickback, remember?
Laura Ingraham keeps bleeding advertisers, despite her ongoing tantrums about the “Stalinist” forces denying her constitutional right to sponsorship. I forget what amendment that was. Oh right, NONE OF THEM.
So, a former Republican Speaker of the House is a drug dealer now, that’s neat. John Boehner, long America’s Least Favorite Orange-Hued Conservative until being supplanted recently by That One Guy, joined the advisory board of a cannabis consortium, spreadin’ that reefer madness from the purple (haze) mountain majesties to the fruited plains.
Hmmmm…while I’m on the subject of GOP House Speakers, I wonder if I can segue that over into any other current news stories? Maybe there’s something about, like, Dennis Hastert getting punched over and over again, going door to door in his new neighborhood, telling everyone he’s a registered sex offender?
Oh, I see Paul Ryan is “retiring,” should I talk about that?
Yes, we won’t have the Ayn Rand Fanboy, the dumb shit dubbed an intellectual leader solely because he’s the only member of his caucus who doesn’t wear Velcro shoes, to kick around anymore. The Koch brothers’ personal Renfield, having actively facilitated countless assaults on American democracy by a wannabe fascist goon, rides off into the sunset as America’s weaker, dorkier, Neville Chamberlain. Fuck you forever with a garden weasel, you plutocrat puppet.
Me, I think Paul’s gonna crazy. All that time on his hands, no readily discernible way to shit on his fellow man? In three weeks, he’ll be throwing firecrackers into homeless shelters and setting fire to little kids’ lemonade stands, mark my words.
Word on the street* is, the Republican donor class was sent spiraling into existential despair by Ryan’s retirement.
If there’s any group of people in this country that deserves a few rainy days, it’s the billionaire fuckheads who’ve been employing Ryan and his toadies to stomp on working folks’ necks. I hope you’re super-sad, Rich Fuckwads. I hope you’re so sad, even chocolate ice cream and pornography doesn’t make you feel better.
Still, his turd legacy lives on. Take, for example, this Drumpf administration proposal to drug test SNAP beneficiaries. We’ve tried it before, on the state level. It doesn’t work. It wastes massive amounts of taxpayer money. But hey, it strips just a little more dignity from the less fortunate, and isn’t that what 21st century conservatism is all about?
A character from season one of Let’s Flush America Down a Truck Stop Toilet made a surprising return, as President Infected Hemorrhoid forced the Justice Department to hire Ezra Cohen-Watnick, who’d been fired from the Shart House in 2017 for leaking classified information to a certain pig-fucking collaborator who shall remain nameless.
I’d swear I remember something about the Republican Party really really caring a whole fucking bunch about mishandled classified intel, but THAT CAN’T POSSIBLY BE RIGHT, CAN IT?
SHARTUS basically confessed, in a tweet, to obstruction of justice, but thinks it doesn’t really count, because he was only “fight(ing) back.” Like a guy who only shoplifted that pocketknife to shank the kid who tp’ed his lawn.
Yeah, Smallhands Magoo is freaking out basically 24/7 over these investigations. And he’s deciding what to do about Syria in his spare moments, while simultaneously wiping rage-spittle off his embarrassingly too-long necktie. Because you gotta have priorities, right?
He casually threatened (by tweet, of course) to blanket the region with missiles, and when Syrian forces responded by retreating to safety, he tried to pull this “I never said when, or if, I was gonna rain death on a bunch of people without a moment’s thought or remorse,” as though ANYONE ANYWHERE ON EARTH imagines he’s a crafty operator, manipulating the board like a grandmaster, rather than a drooling, barely-sentient, goo pile in 60 miles over his head.
Y’all, I confess I’ve gone beyond being appalled by Scott Pruitt’s corrupt hijinks, all the way to being impressed. Where does this fucker even find the TIME?
The Failing New York Times reports the Cabinet’s Leading Paranoiac thought the EPA’s “challenge coin” needed a little more stank on it, with “stank” meaning “evidence of Scott Pruitt’s awesomeness.” He wanted to remove the EPA seal from the EPA coin, replacing it with a picture of Scott Pruitt flexing shirtless, with some flattering artistic liberty of course.
I can’t keep up with all of this shitbird’s scandals. Now I see he’s got a violent thug henchman backing him up? Man, somebody call Captain Planet to take care of this schmuck.
Speaking of th’Best People, the Hairplug That Ate Decency has nominated Wendy Vitter to a federal judgeship. What you need to know about Wendy Vitter is, she can’t give a straight answer to “Brown v Board of Education, good or nah?”
Let me help you out here, Wendy. This is like being asked “Should we use kittens for target practice,” there are two kinds of people here; those who are appalled that you’d even bother asking the question, and raging evil shitbags. Guess which one you are?
Hey, you don’t have to be President of the United States of America to be a revolting sack of human garbage! Missouri Governor Eric Greitens is…fuck, y’all. There are no jokes to be made here. Greitens is a fucking monster. Men like Greitens are why we have prisons. Send him to one. Throw away the goddamn key.
Anyway, congratulate your 2018 GOP! Party of Donald Trump, Eric Greitens, Roy Moore, Blake Farenthold, Trent Franks, Don Blankenship, Laura Ingraham, Alex Jones, Scott Pruitt, Joe Arpaio, Ben Carson, Sean Hannity, Ted Cruz…more villains than 80 years worth of Batman comics.
Crazy shit, friends. I’m sure next week will be calmer. When Jolly Jim Comey’s book comes out. Heh.
Excerpts from Comey’s book and ABC interview are dropping all over the place, somehow painting a less flattering portrait than the Michael Wolff book that just made a bunch of shit up. At least we finally understand why Shart Garfunkel couldn’t be bothered to develop an even casual understanding of any of the issues facing the nation; all the space in his walnut-sized brain was apparently taken up by obsessing over the pee tape.
At any rate, Shartboy’s tiny army of decency-deficient media surrogates dutifully marched out into the right wing fucknutosphere to assault Comey, the FBI, and the very rule of law.
Sean Hannity trotted out his weird, Unabomber-esque flow charts. Noot Gingrich likened law enforcement executing a search warrant granted by a federal judge to the Gestapo, just in time for Holocaust Remembrance Day. Mike Huckabee suggested Drumpf order Capitol police to RAID THE GODDAMN FBI, because what the nation really needs is a law enforcement civil war, it’ll be some badass GANGS OF NEW YORK shit, right?
Fuck, even Steve Bannon emerged from his sewer drain to offer his two cents, before being chased back into the shadows by a little old lady with a broom, who mistook him for a feral opossum. “What if we rub the viscous, foul-smelling, fluid I excrete from every pore all over Mueller’s clothes? Then no one will be willing to work near him, thwarting his investigation once and for all!
And of course Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes is preparing to impeach the entire Department of Justice, from Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein down to the last Whatchamacallit in the break room vending machine. Of course, he’s distracted because he found a woman who runs a substantial Hampshire pig farm on Farmers Only Dot Com, and he’s trying to get her to let him housesit some weekend while she goes out of town.
There is no aspect of American Democracy these rectal tumors will not burn down in the name of their Garbage God Emperor. They’ll bulldoze the Supreme Court and napalm the Constitution. They’ll take a dump in every single apple pie baked from now until the end of time. They’ll happily end the great American experiment, and all for the sake of a wealthy jackass who does nothing but watch television and golf.
The National Enquirer paid a Trump Tower doorman 30 grand to bury a story about the future President fathering a child out of wedlock, and evangelicals from coast to coast finally abandoned Trump in light of his HAHAHHAHAHHAHHAH just kidding they continued screeching in unhinged rage about gay people ordering cakes.
Mike Pompeo refused to answer a whole fuckload of questions at his confirmation hearing before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee today, I guess because he thinks diplomacy is best conducted by jumping out of Foggy Bottom closets, dressed as a clown, shouting “SURPRISE! WE’RE SENDING GROUND FORCES TO NORTH KOREA!”
Pompeo is a known homophobe and Islamophobe, with zero relevant experience, and he shouldn’t be anywhere NEAR State. There’s already bipartisan opposition to his confirmation, so let’s sink this nomination. Call your Senators!
Last year, Government Cheese Goebbels withdrew from the Trans-Pacific Partnership as part of his “Fuck Obama and Everything He Ever Did” initiative. Today, he told advisors he’d like to sneak back in, maybe just slide in the back door wearing a big floppy hat and a fake beard, because he thinks it’ll help him with his Big Stupid Trade War.
I suppose you have to expect this kind of thing when you elect a pudding-brained doofus who doesn’t know anything about anything.
Former Republican Congressjag Steve Stockman was convicted on 23 felony counts today. I tell ya what, Republicans are going to have an insurmountable stranglehold on prison legislatures soon. Call it “gerrymandering by conviction.”
Sadly, it seems as though the on-the-record, under oath meeting between Bodacious Bob Mueller and the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits is off, as the President has grown upset with the investigators’ stubborn persistence in actually pursuing their investigation. Sadly, we will never learn if Donnie’s plan to ply Bob with gift cards to Trump University would have gotten him off the hook.
Well, Shower Captives, that’s what I’ve got. While I was writing, I see fresh gnu stories broke, about Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops auditing the USPS in hopes of sticking it to Amazon, and Michael Cohen maybe-just-maybe having some incriminating audio recordings. It never fucking ends, but I have to sleep sometime.
…wait, what? He’s pardoning Scooter Libby? I…WHAT? Lemme just say it’s weird n’ wacky, having an openly pro-crime President. CAN I SLEEP NOW?
*Okay, by “street” I mean “political twitter.” I don’t know anything about the street, I’m a housecat.