Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Well, If You Like Corruption, Hatred, & Disease, Boy Have I Got a Blog For You
Y’know, just the other day I was thinking that the one thing this shitshow was missing was the traumatizing soundscape of the modern battlefield, so a big fat thumbs up to whoever added the all-night fireworks shows to the simulation; it’s that kind of loving attention to detail that makes life truly unbearable here in Hell. Well, that and, of course, the news:
I think we’ve lost track of which Friday Night Massacre we’re on now. XVIII? IX? X: Massacre in Space? That franchise is totally out of control; I thought it was a mistake when they added the masculine toilet guy to the cast, and it’s been all downhill from there. Anyway, Redactor General William Barr tried to fire Geoffrey Berman, the U.S. attorney overseeing several investigations into the Shart Cabal, by announcing Berman had resigned, only Berman went, “shit that’s news to me, Jowls,” so there was a whole THING. In the end, Berman agreed to leave, but Barr didn’t get to install his preferred stooges, so…yay? American democracy gets to live to fight another day, I guess? I’ll take my good news where I can find it these days.
The new home video version of the Mueller report features a commentary track by Peter Strzok and Lisa Page, plus some freshly unredacted material, and it’s bombshell stuff. Turns out the Turdmaggot campaign, up to Boss Shart himself, absolutely knew Wikileaks had stolen shit that would damage Hillary Clinton, and he said, “Fuck YEAH bring on that sweet, sweet foreign interference, God knows I can’t accomplish anything on my own, I’m a fuckup of historic proportions, shit, if it wasn’t for my daddy’s money, I’d have locked myself in the dressing room of the shopping mall shoe store where I’m an assistant manager and starved to death by now.”
…I tell ya, if we’d only known about this shit during the impeachment trial, an entire new furrow would have appeared on Susan Collins’ brow, and perhaps even Marco Rubio would’ve struggled to find the perfect Bible quote to capture his craven hypocrisy.
If there’s ever a Mount Rushmore of Losing in Court, it’ll just be four copies of that hate-warped, butthole-mouthed face we’ve all come to loathe. I bring this up of course because somehow Strawberry Shartcake has managed to lose in court yet again, seriously, when does he even find time to golf? In this particular instance, he failed to block the release of John Bolton’s trashy/probably-murderous-I’m-not-reading-the-fucking-thing tell-all book. Constantly picking unwinnable fights never seemed like an efficient leadership tactic, but hey, at least now we know for sure.
Donald Trump officially became the Roman God of Self-Ownership in Tulsa, Oklahoma last Saturday, when days of imprudently raising attendance expectations for the opening night of his Deplorable COVID Spit Swap Tour ran into the brick wall of reality like Wile E. Coyote only racist and stupid and wearing a too-long necktie. After boasting of more than a million ticket requests, and even building an outdoor stage for a bonus address to the expected overflow crowd, just 6,200 of the least-safety-conscious denizens of MAGA nation turned up to watch their Turd Emperor drink water from a glass with one hand, in what critics are calling The Shittiest Magic Show in Human History.
It was a narcissist’s worst nightmare; undeniable, inescapable public humiliation. Oh sure, they tried to blame protesters, and antifa, and probably Hillary Clinton for the crowd as tiny and inadequate as Fat Q*Bert’s wee baby hands, but that sad, disheveled walk of shame from Marine One to his increasingly-temporary residence spoke for itself. After years of poisoning our minds, and causing so much pain and suffering, it was wonderful to see that bastard so defeated. I hope you drank deep of that shit, friends; you deserve it, plus, once you get the taste for it, you want MORE, right?
Anyway, yes, it appears as though Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus was utterly bamboozled by the keyboard activism of teenaged TikTokers and K-pop fans, who deluged their little bigot bash with phony ticket requests. Magnificently, for a dude who gets off on the hollow adrenaline rush of firing subordinates, the Marmalade Shartcannon still retains the services of this massive public mortification’s architect, Neckbeard DigiGrifter Brad Parscale. Hey, every minute that glorified troll remains Captain of the Shartanic brings the entire ship of fools that much closer to the inevitable iceberg, so I’m all for it.
To make matters even worse for Team Treasonweasel, the speech itself was a meandering, lifeless, grievance-filled nothingburger demonstrating that Government Cheese Goebbels has no fucking clue how to beat Joe Biden, unless maybe Lookit Me Walk Down This Ramp Like a Big Boy has yielded unexpectedly positive feedback in focus groups.
Of course, the one bit of news that did break through the dementia blather was Donnie Dotard confessing to asking his staff to “slow down” coronavirus testing, on the idea that more testing = more cases discovered = bad news in Shartopia. Y’see, he, and mini-Trumps like Ron DeSantis, truly are pursuing a Pay No Attention to Your Disappearing Grandparents strategy, fudging the numbers and planting fake plastic flowers atop the mass graves, desperately hoping they can trick us serfs into venturing outside to shop till we literally drop dead. That this plan would only lead to more coronavirus deaths eludes them, for they are stupid, stupid men.
Anyway, I’m trying to figure out how I’ll explain to my grandkids that yes, the President of the United States refused, for months, to do anything to combat the spread of a deadly virus that killed tens of thousands as a result, because he believed acknowledging the scope of the crisis would be bad for him politically, and yes, everyone knew about it, but no, we couldn’t remove him from office because Mitch McConnell had a few more judges he wanted confirmed. Civics textbooks are gonna need a complete overhaul, is all I’m saying.
And Sultan Spraytan demonstrated his Change the Channel I’m Bored doctrine in an interview with Axios, figuring he may as well meet with Venezuelan dictator Nicolás Maduro, which would totally upend years of U.S. policy, but hey, maybe he’ll get a really cool challenge coin out of it. Anyway, Florida Republicans rapped him on the knuckles hard enough that he walked the offer back, but the point is the President doesn’t know, understand, or believe anything. Anything at all. This is one more item in Joe Biden’s favor, I think; I like how he has knowledge and experience when it comes to foreign policy…also, he picks out pants that fit.
In the same interview, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops confirmed that he refused to impose sanctions on the Chinese government over their Uighur concentration camps, because he didn’t want to endanger his precious trade deal; the Chinese were having so much fun running circles around him, you see, he didn’t want to spoil the party. Well, if you still think this demented old bastard would let something silly, like human suffering on a horrific scale, stand between himself and self-aggrandizement, you haven’t been reading this blog for very long.
With November drawing e’er nearer, President Gas Station Urinal Cake is in full panic mode, challenging Smilin’ Joe Biden to eleventy thousand debates (and a basic mental acuity test!), and emitting high-pitched screechy sounds about mail-in ballots and voter fraud, because obviously when you’re whinging that the election will be stolen more than four months out, it’s because you’re winning SO HARD. Look, it’s clear he’s going to need to be hog-tied and literally dragged from office, and you really would get a million requests for THAT ticket; just fuckin’ tell me where I need to camp out.
Well, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot suspended several types of work visas through at least the end of the year, because if he has to drop yet another bowling ball upon the already-throughly-bludgeoned economy’s groin to give Stephen Miller fresh non-white pain to wank to, then so be it. I certainly hope at this late date that no one is surprised anymore when this clowncar full of rectums chooses hatred over common frickin’ sense.
The whole re-election “strategy” seems to be focused on checking off every item on the White Nationalist Loser Xmas List, while all other demographics get the ol’ ”what do you have to lose” treatment. Lil’ Man, you’ve got the racists sewn up. There are no Klansmen or Proud Boys or Boogaloo Buffoons going “Gosh, if he could just nudge himself a bit further right on immigration, I’d be on board, but ‘till then I’m voting for Jill Stein,” y’know? But please, PLEASE proceed with your idiotic, self-defeating plan.
While the yammering heads of the wingnut media bubble keep their audience trembling in fear of the antifa hordes that stubbornly refuse to manifest in reality, a U.S. Army solider was just arrested for PLOTTING WITH A SATANIC NAZI GROUP TO AMBUSH HIS OWN FUCKING UNIT. Folks, I didn’t even know there were satanic Nazis until this week, so maybe let’s devote a little less air time to the imaginary threats, and more to making sure we’re keeping tabs on the SATANIC NAZIS. I actually want pretty regular updates on the satanic Nazis, now that I know they exist outside of Hellboy comics.
So, Rudy Giuliani said to himself, “Golly, I sure do feel like shitting some Klan-level hate speech from my rotting mouth-hole today, good thing I’ve got Laura Ingraham’s number!” and so he went on the talking television box to slander the Black Lives Matter movement as a massive anarchist conspiracy to break into your home and steal those McDonald’s Batman Forever mugs you’ve kept in such good shape all these years. He truly is Amerikkka’s Mayor.
The American people are righteously, justifiably pissed that their president has simply abandoned his duty to slow the spread of the coronavirus, but look, we’re all up to our damn necks in bat poo, and someone has to focus on what’s truly important: shitty statues of dead loser traitors. Yes, the very same dithering dolt who hasn’t removed his thumb from his ass in months, while 123,000 Americans died, wants to impose heavy jail sentences on any patriot who does their duty during this Civil War Epilogue we’re all trapped in, by taking down a Confederate monument or two. I don’t see the play here; maybe some of those Nazi satanists are gonna animate the statues so they can vote?
Even if the Shart House has abandoned the field, take comfort in knowing the GOP’s finest minds are hard at work on the problem. Arizona Participation Trophy Senator Martha McSally has visions of pulling her faltering campaign out of the quicksand with a bill that would literally pay people to spread the fucking coronavirus all over the fucking country, granting thousands in tax credits as incentives to go on vacation. During a pandemic. Why not throw in a toaster oven for anybody who goes to a water park, Martha? Anyway, anticipating that this news may spark some of you to speed McSally’s exit from any and all lawmaking bodies, here is a link to Mark Kelly’s campaign.
My fellow Americans, you have no doubt fantasized about fleeing to Europe to escape the shitshow-within-a-Sharknado that is life in the United States in 2020, but sorry, you live in a failed state ruled by a death cult that refuses to take the simplest of measures to contain an outbreak because FREEDUMB, so the European Union is leaning towards leaving us to stew in our lethal cooties, and who can fucking blame them? Build a wall around us. Pay for it howsoever you see fit.
Yeah, it’s pretty shitty out there…unless you’re COVID-19, that is. No unclaimed K-pop stan tickets there, I’m afraid. And dang, what a coincidence, it’s we-don’t-need-no-stinkin’-mask REAL ‘MURICA that’s getting hit now, particularly Texas, Florida, and Arizona. Since we are a culture that has seemingly decided to divide along politically partisan lines on issues like science and objective reality, I guess there’s not much to do except keep on dying.
On that merry note, it is most definitely time to start drinking. So far, the ‘rona has left my beer alone, and I hope that streak continues. May your beverage of choice be free of disease as well, my resisting chums…stay safe out there, and I’ll see y’all soon.