Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Y‘know, If Putin Put Bounties on Confederate Monuments, He’d Be in Trouble
Anybody else spending their idle quarantine hours trying to figure some way to tunnel into the neighboring reality where Hillary Clinton is President and we can all eat at restaurants by now? No? Well, that’s totally why I’m slashing at the air in front of me with an LSD-laced ice cream scoop, it’s not like I’ve gone completely insane or anything. But as long as you’re trapped in here with me, we may as well hit the news, right?
I guess the big headline is that COVID-19 keeps on ripping America a new asshole pretty much daily. Hell, there’re so many newly-ripped assholes you’re going to get sick of newly-ripped assholes. We’re basically Argus, only with assholes instead of eyes. That’s how much this virus is fucking our shit up.
Yes, we remain incapable of controlling this outbreak even though we figured out how to control it, because millions of allegedly adult Americans have constructed their entire identities around that impulse a toddler has when it doesn’t want to eat its peas. Well, freedumb isn’t free, and states like Florida, Arizona, and Texas have spiraled out of control, with some communities even brushing up against their hospital capacity limits, despite having been HANDED A GIFT-WRAPPED MANUAL ON HOW TO AVOID THIS EXACT FUCKING SITUATION.
Now, I know it’s been difficult to wrap your head around the fact that the President of the United States decided fighting this pandemic just wasn’t his fucking job, but when you see the shit he DOES invest time and energy into, it’s a miracle your brain doesn’t dynamite its way out of your skull and run screaming into the night. What I’m trying to tell you is that even as he’s further scaled back the government’s non-response to COVID-19, the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits somehow found a moment to issue a new executive order aiming to crack down on the scourge of Confederate monument-toppling.
Oh well. It’s been a good fight, but surely this means the Apprentice in Hell has been renewed for four more years. No doubt any votes the Velveeta Vulgarian may have lost by drowning the economy in a Wal-Mart urinal or negligently getting tens of thousands of Americans killed will be overwhelmed by the avalanche of unchecked populism inspired by such a fierce defense of Dead White Dudes Who Are Famous for Losing Fights.
But even as the Loser King battled to save his loser statues, the state of Mississippi finally, FINALLY voted to remove the stars n’ bars of the Confederacy from their flag, joining the 20th century at last. (They’re not quite ready for the 21st. Baby steps.) That the Game Show Grand Wizard’s veryfine tantrums have only accelerated the destruction of these pathetic glorifications of his failed, hate-warped “culture” makes you almost wish his brain worked well enough to comprehend irony.
During an interview with screeching hatemarmot Sean Hannity, Wee Donnie Two-Scoops was unable to articulate a rationale for seeking a second term, partially because his addled, deteriorating brain is barely capable of articulating an order in the Wendy’s drive-thru, partially because he somehow stopped himself from admitting “I’m just trying to stay out of jail, bro.” Trump 2020: Yes the Plane is Crashing and Yes It’s on Fire, But White People Get All the First Class Seats is basically where we’re at now.
And yeah, while hard at work directing the coronavirus response, excuse me, that doesn’t seem right…oh yes, I see my mistake, let me start again. While golfing, the Pusillanimous Pussy-Grabber approvingly retweeted a video of one of his dirtbag supporters shouting “white power” at protesters before scooting away on his little golf cart; truly Trumpism is an entire lifestyle brand, basically Goop for the hateful, with slightly fewer products designed to smell like a crotch.
So we got to do that silly little dance again, where Shart-O the Clown and his allies get all indignant that anyone would dare suggest he’s racist, even though his entire re-election strategy has devolved into Yes I Suck at Absolutely Everything But I Will Keep Hurting Black and Brown People and honestly, while I’m exhausted by the never-ending atrocity, I’m getting pretty sick of the bad theatre, too.
As always, a few pundits, desperately clinging to obsolete ideas about long-abandoned norms, keep on insisting Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot is playing 12-dimensional chess, distracting America from the Russian bounty scandal with a shocking tweet; that he’s something more than just a terrified, Adderall-saturated primate flinging turds at the wall as fast as he can shit them, to which I say we are now talking about BOTH the white power tweet AND the Putin bounties, so unless Wisconsin contains ten or twenty thousand voters who were going to stay home unless one candidate really distinguished himself in the twin fields of racism and treason, I don’t think this one is playing out in Shart Garfunkel’s favor.
But yes, fallout from Bounties on Our troops? Sounds Great Vlad!-gate continues to mount, because, in perhaps the last area of bipartisan consensus in Washington, even Republicans don’t believe American soldiers should be hunted for sport. The Shart House initially tried screaming “fake news,” because there are only so many settings on the see n’ say wheel Sarah Slanders passed down to Kayleigh McEnany, but that didn’t work as more and more outlets confirmed the initial story from the Failing New York Times.
As more and more stories surfaced, the date President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster would have received this intelligence in a briefing kept moving further and further back, and his continuing obsequious deference to Putin (“Hey Vlad! Vlad! You wanna come to the G7 at my house, Vlad? I can TOTALLY get you back in, buddy!”) seemed even more treacherous in context.
The current defense seems to be “C’mon, everybody knows the President is way too lazy and stupid to read,” which is…honestly, plausible. Shit, I think they might have us there, folks. The “too incompetent to be criminal” defense has served the GOP well since at least the days of Alberto Gonzales.
Because he possesses the intellect of a hamster’s rectum, the Candycorn Skidmark has come to the conclusion that his current electoral troubles have grown not from the lethally botched pandemic response, or the Great Depression-level unemployment, or the fact that his campaign strategy has been to personally give hand jobs to every Proud Boy, Boogaloo Brat and Klansman in America, but simply from failing to hang a sufficiently childish nickname on Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr. This is literally what he spends his time doing while we’re dying by the thousands.
Anyway asshole, to solve your little dilemma, when you’re petitioning for your pardon, “Mr. Biden, sir” will do fine.
Mike Pants keeps on holding maskless public events, and COVID-19 keeps on being completely unimpressed, probably because it’s too busy devouring the smorgasbord of freedumb-crazed dipshits that keep jumping in front of it like coked-up lemmings.
It truly does seem like everyone connected even tangentially to the Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus is hellbent on refusing to learn the widely-accepted lessons on containing this virus. South Dakota’s Republidolt Governor, Kristi Noem, brags that they won’t being doing any of that stupid cuck “social distancing” crap at Sharty McFly’s Mount Rushmore shindig this Friday, and we can all see the tantrums coming when Jacksonville, Florida’s new mask mandate collides with his planned My Father Never Loved Me I Guess the Adulation of Hateful Strangers Will Just Have to Do RNC speech. Campers, there was an outbreak among his staff at the Tulsa rally; learn from that or don’t, it’s up to you.
Stochastic terrorism: it’s not just for 4chan-addicted incels anymore! No, just as heavy metal morphed into commercial power balladry to conquer strip mall music shops, now Dylann Roof has given way to Mark and Patricia McCloskey, a couple of doughy suburbanite John Wicks* with Bloomingdale’s accounts and military-grade firearms. See, if you’re rich and white enough, the Lawn Which Others Must Keep Off Of expands to wheresoever you deign to cast your eyes, and the mere proximity of the peasant classes, however peaceful, is more than enough to justify threatening mass murder, though it may be necessary to pay the help overtime to cleanse said lawn of the resultant gore, alas and alack.
Iran issued an arrest warrant for the Marmalade Shartcannon over that one terrorist murder of a high-ranking military official he ordered and yeah, I admit I indulged in a quick “it’s so crazy, it just might work!” fantasy. It was great, I recommend it. Seriously, it’s been a rough week, just take a quick moment to visualize Fuckhead shitting himself in an Iranian prison. See? Brightened your day right up, didn’t it?
One of Government Cheese Goebbels’ biggest internet fan clubs, r/The_Donald on Reddit, has finally been banned for hate speech and harassment, because the political movement built, or at least harnessed, by the current sitting President of the United States is a white supremacist rage cult unfit to mingle with decent folk even in the darkest, dankest corners of the information superhighway. These fucks are getting deplatformed all over social media, actually, which is fantastic. Shame they still get to squat in the executive branch of the federal government until January, though.
Senate Republicans stripped a provision from an intelligence bill that would have required political campaigns to report offers of foreign election assistance, because their party is a hopelessly corrupt gang of authoritarian thugs that will never be able to win a free and fair election again, having lost the trust of the people, but why should a silly little thing that interfere with their ruthless grip on power? Anyway, I’m proud to be a member of the party that still believes in democracy.
And it’s only TUESDAY. Fuck. Get a nap in, Resisters, cuz we’re only halfway through 2020, and I’ll bet the little fucker hasn’t even shown us his fastball yet. Stay safe. Wear a mask. Some third thing, fuck it, I’m tired.