Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
You Know, I’m Starting to Think This Barr Fellow Wasn’t Entirely Honest in his Little Memo.
Woooo, it’s been a fuckin’ ride this week, huh? We’ve all been waiting for Bill Barr to finish up the whitewashing gig he was hired for, and personally, I was up all night redacting your mom. I almost didn’t get a blog up today.
Exciting news for Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes, as scientists have, for whatever godforsaken reason, figured out how to bring dead pig brains back to life. Reached for comment, the Ham Hammer quizzically asked “Brains? Why not start with the GOOD stuff?” before our field reporter fled, vomiting.
In the interest of protecting my readers’ health, I hereby post the following medical disclaimer:
If you have any recent history of respiratory problems, please refrain from reading the article from the New Yorker/The Trace on how the blood-crazed death merchants of the National Rifle Association now find themselves in dire financial straits, due to internal strife, graft, self-dealing, and other assorted acts of fuckery, as doing so would bring significant risk of laughing yourself to death.
Wow. Corruption in an organization led by Oliver North? Who could have foreseen this? Anyway, it’s all descending into finger-pointing and lawsuits, and don’t forget all these maniacs are armed, so a last-scene-of-Reservoir-Dogs scenario is hardly out of the question.
So, after Mitch McConnell successfully lobbied to get sanctions lifted on Russian oligarch Oleg Deripaska, who was sanctioned in the first place for his role in Russia’s attack on the 2016 election, Oleg paid him back with case of shell wax, and also a multi-million dollar investment in an aluminum plant in Wrinkly Gamera’s home state of Kentucky. I don’t want to be controversial, but this thing where one of our two great political parties keeps putting American policy up for sale to our enemies? That’s maybe not a great thing.
In his ongoing quest to get his own daughter to fuck him, the President of the United States offered her the post as head of the World Bank, but she turned it down. Moving on…
Billy Barr has been a busy boy! Earlier this week, the Fixer General announced a new policy to deny bail to asylum-seeking migrants, because god knows there’s no better use for taxpayer money than incarcerating vulnerable people in an attempt to terrorize other vulnerable people out of making the journey to the U.S. in the first place. With Kirstjen Nielsen gone, Barr’s making a really serious play for the coveted “Most Despicable Cabinet Member” title.
The Marmalade Shartcannon wrapped his tiny, inadequate, fingers around the veto pen for just the second time in his always-embarrassing Presidency. Thus, the United States will continue supporting the Saudi-led genocide in Yemen, and the Saudis will continue to support Jared Kushner’s private business interests, with the odd dismembered journalist or illicit exchange of classified intelligence thrown in for flavor. I hope you’ll support my kickstarter to round up every single self-righteous fuckstick who voted for Jill Stein because Hillary was “too hawkish,” and have them air-dropped into Yemen to watch children starve to death.
Still smarting from years of culture war setbacks, the right wing is really not handling Pete Buttigieg’s ascendance in the Democratic primary field well. You could probably be forgiven for assuming the weirdo “protesters” with the Mayor-Pete-flogging-Jesus-while-Satan-laughs cosplay would claim the lunacy crown, but if you really want state-of-the-art bat-shittery, you always, ALWAYS want to go with Tucker Carlson.
Let’s take a quick minute to laugh at some House Republicans. Freshman Congresscrook Ross Spano seems to have raised just one single dollar in grassroots donations during the entire first quarter. Funny as that is, he actually outraised his indicted colleague, New York’s Chris Collins.
Hey look, Steve Mnuchin is hiring a Fux Nooz personality, who had to withdraw in shame from an earlier attempt to get appointed to an executive branch job in the wake of a plagiarism scandal, as his chief spokesmoron! If Tim Geithner had pulled anything like that, the right-wing jagoffosphere would have hounded him for weeks, but that was a bygone era when things still mattered.
President Used Enema Water has restored America’s international standing as a power to be respected and feared so thoroughly that North Korea is already taunting him with new weapons tests. I wonder if Kim Jong-un had a challenge coin made. Oh, and just to add some deference sprinkles on top of the respect cupcake, he’s demanding Secretary of State Mike Pompeo be removed from future negotiations.
Because there is nothing a Republican fears so much as American voters choosing their own leaders in free and fair elections, the Missouri GOP introduced legislation to undermine an anti-gerrymandering ballot initiative that passed with overwhelming support last November. Kinda reminds you of how the Florida GOP is attempting similar fuckery with the initiative that restored voting rights to felons. No punchline this paragraph, just a casual reminder that the Republican Party is anti-democracy, and they’ve seen a great deal of success in recent years in their efforts to roll back the right to vote. Does that bother you? Well, what’re you doing to fight it?
I see Elijah Cummings has invited Undomesticated HateFerret Stephen Miller to testify before the House Oversight Committee about his Goebbels’-B-Sides-and-Rarities immigration policies. Oh fuck, I hope that shit is televised. Miller can barely contain his sneering disdain for humanity in interviews with fiercely impartial hosts; can you imagine how he’ll respond to aggressive questioning from the opposition party? Taking bets now that at some point, he springs from his chair and tries to bite Elijah’s ear off.
Facebook has conscripted the Daily Fucking Caller as part of their “fact-checking” team, which would be absolutely hilarious if I didn’t have to live in the kind of world where malicious propagandists become arbiters of truth. I suppose we should be proud of the American right for taking up the reins of disinformation from their Russian comrades. You’ll be wiping your own asses in no time, boys.
Anyway, that’s all I got, folks. Slow news week. I guess to fill the space, I’ll share the recipe for my famous hot-dogs-and-Funyuns casserole. The secret ingredient is the six pack of MGD I pour on top, and –
Oh, what? You wanna talk about the Mueller report? I dunno, I’m binging Season 4 of Frasier, and I’m pretty sure Niles and Daphne are juuuust about to get together, so I don’t really want to…ugh. Fine.
The day started early. Far earlier than your Friendly Neighborhood Shower Cap was prepared to face his traditional hangover. I suppose if you’re already committed to undermining the rule of law and fucking over your country, you might as well piss everybody off with an 8:30 a.m. press conference. Dick.
And so William Barr strode out before the press corps to etch his name in the history books as one of the all-time great treasonous goons. It’s like Billy spent the last decade or so seething that nobody appreciates the deft shitbaggery of his Iran/Contra cover-up work, and now he demands recognition as a truly elite legal stooge for the brazenly corrupt.
The plan seems to have been for the AG to “get out ahead of” the heavily-redacted Mueller report with preemptive spin, the idea being that they could set the narrative. Yeah, it doesn’t make sense to me either, but remember you’re dealing with people who thought firing Jim Comey in the first place was a clever bit of political strategy that would be greeted with pony rides and ice cream sundaes from both sides of the aisle.
Barr says that because Tangerine Idi Amin really really REALLY wanted to obstruct justice, because he was so upset that his crimes were being investigated for a change instead of ignored, it doesn’t count as obstruction of justice. He sneered through a few more lies, then slunk away, confident that the whole “Russia” thing was dealt with forever and ever, because who would read a dumb ol’ report when they have a nice, jazzy, memo instead?
And the rest of the day was just headline after headline after headline. I confess, I was shocked at how bad the redacted report is for Trump, I figured the cover-up artist would bury everything damning, but holy shit, just what we can see is incredible. Maybe Barr couldn’t finish redacting because Scott Pruitt stole all the black markers on his way out the door?
There’s more evidence that Trump obstructed justice than there’s proof that 3 Musketeers bars contain nougat. Mueller outlines 10 different instances where Hairplug Himmler did his damndest to obstruct justice. Plus, unhappy with the amount of justice he was actually able to obstruct, which was significant, he tried like hell to obstruct even MORE justice, but occasionally his underlings refused to carry out his super-illegal orders. Basically, when Donald Trump sings “Don’t Know Much” at karaoke, he visualizes himself singing it directly to the abstract concept of “obstructing justice.”
There’s a fair amount of “Some of this shit, amazingly enough, doesn’t turn out to be technically illegal, because nobody ever stopped to imagine someone as sociopathically treasonous as Donald J. Trump running for President, let alone getting elected.”
Like, Paul Manafort giving internal campaign polling to a Kremlin-connected oligarch, even as he’s trying to leverage his position on the Shart campaign for personal profit…not illegal, apparently! The next Congress is gonna need to put together a massive I Guess We Need to Spell This Shit Out After All anti-corruption/treason bill. Call it the Decency Stimulus.
One of my favorite details is the bit where the Uncredible Huck confesses to lying to the American public. Will the Candycorn Skidmark fire, or even discipline her for this betrayal of the public trust? Will he even stop to think “Hey, having a known, confessed, liar as my chief mouthpiece is maybe counterproductive?” Will pigs spontaneously evolve wings, if only to escape Devin Nunes’ amorous advances?
Turdmaggot, Jr.’s victory lap is especially hilarious. The Bobadook concluded that while yes, his Trump Tower meeting was super illegal, a prosecutor would have trouble proving he understood that his actions were criminal in the face of a mountain of public evidence that he’s barely intelligent enough to navigate a fork from his plate to his mouth without causing a life-threatening injury. Yeah, throw yourself a party, kid.
The report also tells us Senator Richard Burr was so dedicated to keeping the Senate Intel Committee’s Russia investigation, which he leads, impartial, that he funneled information from his classified Gang of 8 briefings back to the White House, isn’t that a nifty trick! In any just world, Burr would’ve resigned in shame by the time you read this, but since we’re all kickin’ it old school in Hell, he won’t face any consequences even as severe as being forced to oversee the investigation in a slightly less comfortable chair.
Oh, and the Mueller investigation made 14 referrals of additional potential crimez to other offices, only 2 of which are publicly known right now, so there are still plenty of unmarked presents beneath the Xmas Tree of Justice. And likely more than one treasonous shitsack, celebrating today because they’re sure they got away with it all, still has a nasty surprise or two waiting in their future.
And there’s more. So much more. From the uncharacteristic self-awareness of Weehands McNodick’s “I’m fucked” to the alarming degree of memory failure demonstrated by his written answers to Mueller’s questions to the increasingly-prosecutable-looking Erik Prince to…fuck! It’s exhausting. Even for me. There’s so much shit to wade through here, I bet Chis Cillizza’s pants exploded at the thought of the listicle he’d get to make.
Folks, this is the REDACTED version? What’s behind Barr’s hundreds of black bars? Kellyanne Conway saying she walked in on Donnie Facetiming with Putin about how to polonium-210 Jim Acosta, only Trump was too distracted by the porn he was watching in another window?
Tragically overlooked in the ceremonial Shrieking of the Pundits is the report’s conclusion that the Russian government attacked our country, that the attack took the form of aiding the Trump campaign, and that the Trump campaign welcomed the help, and paid for it by adopting increasingly pro-Russia policies. And President Crotchvoid had not one word to say about any of this, but instead jetted down to his tacky-ass Florida resort, to golf at taxpayer expense, without the slightest passing thought to securing the nation from future attacks.
Anyway, the Democratic Congressional Subpoena Cannon, still smoking from a dozen different battles with the Shart House, is being loaded once more, with Jerry Nadler demanding the full report, even the bits Barr insists are too naughty for us. We are grown-ups and can make our own decisions, Bill!
I confess I’m still giggling that Team Treason ever imagined that this would be a good day for them, that Barr’s silly little stunt would enable them to control the narrative, that their problems are firmly behind them now. It’s going to be an awful lot of fun watching them slowly figure out just how wrong they are. If you’ll excuse me, I have to make sure my beer fridge is adequately stocked for the show.