Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
You Know Things’re Bad When John Bolton Gets Fired, and You Don’t Even Have Time to Celebrate
Y’know, in the future, when we’ve finally removed President Crotchvoid from office, I imagine newspapers will just SMELL better, don’t you? Without all the incessant malice and blundering and hate? We’ve gotta put up with it for a little while longer, I suppose, so hold your nose and let’s wade through this week’s sewage.
The heartwarming story of an aging neocon warhawk plucked off the scrap heap late in life to scratch one last imperialist war off his bucket list was cut tragically short this week, when John Bolton resigned. Or Shart Garfunkel fired him. Who cares, there are no good guys here, just lock ‘em both in a room with five or six hammers and let the lord sort ‘em out, says I.
Speaking of bad guy vs. bad guy, Darrell Issa, who fled Congress in 2018, having lost the support of his constituents, apparently wants to primary Wounded-Warrior-Mocking Congressgrifter Duncan Hunter in his much safer Republican district. Seriously, no need for debates in this contest, just two absolute scuzzbuckets who begin equidistant from a table containing a solitary hammer, a ref blows a whistle, they both break for it, and whatever happens, happens.
Staying with this topic for another moment (I’ll take ‘Shitweasel Infighting’ for $600, Alex), Liz Cheney and Rand Paul are feuding, too, over who can kneel more cravenly before Boss Turdmaggot. No hammers are necessary here; the complete, public, loss of dignity is sufficient punishment.
CNN reports that the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits is, and I can’t fucking believe I’m typing this, opposed to the practice of gathering intelligence from covert foreign sources, because of course a pampered rich boy who’s too incompetent to succeed at the FUCKING CASINO BUSINESS knows better than career intelligence professionals. Now, “Trump rejects intelligence” seems like low-hanging fruit here, so maybe I should go with “Idiot Russian stooge threatens entire national security apparatus.” Seriously, somebody’s going to stop him before he pulls the plug on the very idea of “having spies where we need them,” right?
White House staffers have noted the Manchurian Manchild is going through adult diapers at an even higher rate than usual (and D.C. already required a dedicated landfill), owing to recent polls showing his approval rating sinking ever deeper into the Swamps of What Did You Fucking Expect, You Moron. Demonstrating his nimble political skills, the above-mentioned Manchild deployed a series of petulant tweets, calling the polls’ veracity into question, cuz nothing gets your numbers up quite like delusional whinging.
And Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet was so happy that it only took a personal presidential visit, 8 million dollars, and an unearned do-over following the revelation of a massive election fraud scheme to squeak out the narrowest of wins in a +14R district, that he threw himself a party with cold Big Macs and piss hookers. He’s actually pouting that he’s not getting more credit for the victory, when of course he’s the one responsible for this making this cinnamon-gummy-bear-red district competitive in the first place.
The annual 9/11 anniversary is a time when all patriotic Americans reflect somberly on the greatest national tragedy of our lifetimes. Knowing this, the scatmunching filthpiles of the North Carolina House GOP seized the opportunity to ram an override of Governor Roy Cooper’s budget veto through while their Democratic colleagues were at a ceremony honoring first responders. They lost their veto-proof majority, and the governor’s mansion, you see, because the people of their state voted for change, but they don’t WANT to surrender the corresponding power, because they are fascists.
Of course the Veryfine Valor Thief marked 9/11 with his trademark blend of undignified griping and self-aggrandizing lies. You sort of wish Dante were still around, so you could get a nice, detailed, description of the afterlife torments awaiting the kind of loathsome shitsack who would lie about helping out at Ground Zero.
Going forward, I will be devoting a special sub-section of this blog to the Fake Alabama Hurricane story, because it will never fucking die; I may even have to figure out some way to finance a special Fake Alabama Hurricane correspondent. Did the order to lie about the goddamn weather in service to the presidential ego come from Mick Mulvaney? Or from the Hairplug That Ate Decency himself? I never imagined the battle for American democracy would get this stupid.
Reigning Reich, excuse me, the “Trump Administration” announced that they will not be granting temporary protected status to our Bahamian neighbors, even in the aftermath of the hurricane that devastated their home country. It’s a testament to the expected senseless cruelty of these monsters that this news, while abominable and unforgivable, didn’t surprise anyone anywhere. I suppose we should count ourselves lucky that no Miller/Bolton consensus emerged to invade the islands while they’re vulnerable.
The Supreme Court allowed the Shart Administration to implement their draconian Make America White Again asylum policy, while the issue is being decided in the courts, a rare legal victory for the autocratic velociraptors who’ve been testing the electric fence of the rule of law for weaknesses. Yes, the very Supreme Court we lost when third-party voters in the Rust Belt decided to drive Mitch McConnell’s getaway car during his heist of Scalia’s seat. It’s almost as if elections have consequences or somethin’.
Ben Sasse joined Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, and the rest of the institutional Republican Party in trading in his principled opposition to Trump and Trumpism for a leash, a pat on the head, and a “good boy” from his Turd Emperor, accepting Littlefinger’s endorsement for his 2020 re-election campaign. Well if he loses, I look forward to his TED talk on self-performed vertebrae-removal surgery.
Dana Loesch, in her new job as sneering spokesdemon for the National Vaping Association, responded to proposed new e-cigarette bans by proclaiming “the only thing that stops a bad lung with a pack of Marlboro lights is a good lung with a vape pen,” and obviously I’m joking but a dozen people probably got shot just while you read this paragraph and we’re still doing precisely jack about that but don’t worry your government is ALL OVER this vaping shit.
Moody’s Analytics reports that Donnie Dotard’s cud-brained trade war has already crotch-punted the American economy to the tune of 300,000 jobs, which could swell to 900,000 by the end of the next year if he doesn’t stop ATTACKING HIS OWN FUCKING COUNTRY ON PURPOSE. Seriously, if his deal with Putin was “I’ll bail you out of debt if you just fuck the United States up as much as you possibly can,” what, precisely, would he be doing differently?
Seems the Fascist Farthuffer’s Former Fixer, Michael Cohen, has been whiling away the hours in prison indulging in his thrilling new hobby; singing like a fucking canary. Yes, the New York district attorney’s office has been talking with the Sensei of Sez-Hoo about his old boss’ habit of paying out hush money, which is apparently frowned upon by law-enforcement types, who knew?
And the Let’s See How Much Evil Shit We Can Get Away With Administration is reportedly looking for potential sites to warehouse homeless people in California, because once you get hooked on locking human beings up in cages, it’s hard to quit. You didn’t think they would stop with concentration camps just for migrants, did you?
Just because he failed in his attempts to repeal the ACA doesn’t mean Tangerine Idi Amin has stopped trying to kill us all; now he’s undoing Obama-era clean water protections, making it easier to dump toxic chemicals into our nation’s waterways! Golly, we’re just rocketing backwards towards American greatness at light speed, aren’t we? Remember that time the Beaver got dysentery from the tap water in his home and almost died? CLASSIC television.
So I guess the ICEtapo is building a fun little “urban warfare” theme park/training center, where they can practice breaking up families, terrorizing children, and other atrocities in “hyper-realistic” facsimiles of homes and commercial buildings, how FUN. Now if you’re concerned about an increasingly lawless, overtly racist, police force seeking to get better at waging war in America’s streets, you’re just a bleeding heart chicken little cuck and yes it’s a coincidence that the “hyper-realistic” home in the training facility looks just like your house right down to the socks behind the dryer.
Jerry Nadler and the House Judiciary Committee rolled out their shiny new impeachment inquiry rules today, and the first rule of the impeachment inquiry is that you do not talk about the impeachment inquiry. Except at the publicly televised hearings, starting next week with Violent Scumbag/Potential Senate Candidate Corey Lewandowski, of course.
We caught the Israelis spying on us, directly on Strawberry Shartcake in fact, and the Man Who is Somehow Both Conman and Mark responded by saying, I shit you not, “I don’t think the Israelis are spying on us. I really would find that hard to believe.” The next president shouldn’t be a CLUELESS FUCKING RUBE, is what I think.
Hey, if you’ve harbored a lifelong dream of living in a banana republic, I have great news, because we’ve officially entered the “prosecuting political enemies” phase of this shitshow, as former deputy FBI Director Andrew McCabe looks to be facing charges over his dastardly treatment of Hillary Clinton in 2016, which we know matters deeply to the current administration. Still, I bet if they get away with using the awesome powers of the state to crush this one particular critic, they’ll be totally satiated, and they’ll stop. Just like with the camps.
Ok folks, I am out for the weekend, attending Riot Fest in Chicago, where I will pretend I’m punk rather than a bathrobe-clad dork who reads political news all day long. Any mistakes in today’s blog are attributable to the editing phase of the evening bleeding into the drinking/debate-watching phase; please forgive me.