Shower Cap

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NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

You May Want to Sit Down Before Reading This, But I Think the President May Be a Teeny Bit Racist

Monday, July 15th, 2019

 

I tell ya, folks, chroniclin’ ain’t easy, especially with summer shitstorm season heating up. I got UFO truthers to the west of me, meth gators to the south; here I am, stuck in the Midwest with you. Let’s do this.

Well, Alex Acosta is out as Labor Secretary, despite his ground-breaking charity work on behalf of the oppressed “megarich pedophile” class. Me, I think this is unreasonable; we’re sending mixed singles to the all the young hacks out there looking to climb the ladder of Republican power n’ influence. I mean, if the whole fucking point of your party is making sure wealthy dudes don’t have to play by the same rules as us chump serfs (and it is), it’s kinda bullshit to punish a guy for helping a donor skirt a few silly ol’ child sex trafficking laws, isn’t it? Consistency is all I ask.

Of course, Alex’s replacement is Patrick Pizzella, a former lobbyist who used to work for Jack Abramoff, and who literally defended a sweatshop economy in the Northern Mariana Islands, that relied on “indentured workers” subjected to “forced abortions and routine beatings.” Fucking hell, does Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot have to keep recruiting cabinet secretaries from just the very lowest circles of hell? Couldn’t we hand DHS over to a mere shoplifter/masturbator, just for variety’s sake?

Oh, speaking of Jeffrey Epstein, he would very much prefer to be released to his fabulous mansion, rather than continuing to await trial in jail, arguing that it’s not really even that a good of a mansion anymore, now that the feds seized his SAFE FILLED WITH CHILD PORNOGRAPHY. They also have your diamonds-and-fake-Saudi-passport-quick-escape kit, Jeff, so what’s Plan C?

I feel like I don’t actually understand what the living fuck is going on with our old chum Mike “Oops I Forgot to Register as a Foreign Agent” Flynn. Since replacing his legal team with an off-brand lunatic, he’s seemingly playing chicken with the federal prosecutors who cut him a what’s-that-line-about-gift-horsesly generous plea deal, which seems…unwise. Anyway, his former business partner’s trial just kicked off, and we’re learning all sorts of fun stuff about Mike’s diligent labors on behalf of the American government. Excuse me, that should read “on behalf of the TURKISH government.” My apologies.

Responding to some critical quotes from Paul Ryan in a new book, President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster unleashed a tirade on the former House Speaker that was equal parts Orwell and Mean Third Grader, and then ordered the White House grounds crew to chop down a tree in the Rose Garden in which the initials “DJT + PR” had been carved, with a heart around them, just two short years ago. Don’t worry, Republicans, I’m sure your Frankenstein’s Monster will stop rampaging through your village any day now.

Anyway, I think it’s time for the Eli Roths and Wes Cravens of the world to step aside, because if there’s anything more terrifying than watching the Manchurian Manchild babble about his boundless power under “Article II,” I can’t imagine what it would be.

What is it with jagoffs and challenge coins these days? Seems some of the more venomous pusbags in Customs and Border Patrol whipped up a catty little collectible to mock the migrants suffering in their custody, because there’s no reason dehumanization can’t be fun, right?

Congrats to Tennessee Governor Bill Lee for proclaiming Nathan Bedford Forrest Day, because heaven knows we don’t have nearly enough holidays commemorating terrorists. I was gonna say, “the only difference between Nathan Bedford Forrest Day and Osama bin Laden day is a beard,” but then I did a Google image search for Forrest, and, well…

Vice President Mike Pants formally renounced the last vestiges of his performative Christianity, in deed if not in word*, leading a contingent of some of the biggest shitweasels in the Senate (my God, imaging traveling with John Cornyn and Marsha Blackburn at the same time, with Mike Lee thrown in for laffs) on a trip to the human zoo, to gawk at all the torment he and his taintfungus boss have caused. Who Would Jesus Imprison in an Overcrowded Cage With No Beds, Mike?

It’s telling that even the most sanitized, carefully staged, photo op these monsters could concoct still looked like a WWII-era concentration camp inspection. Even more telling that Mikey Hairshirt and co. tried to spin it like a tour of a luxury resort, while we had to rely on reporters to describe the overpowering stench of hundreds of human beings, crowded together, without access to showers. And this was the Trump Administration and Border Patrol on their best behavior, mind you.

The Very Fine Administration issued a sweeping new rule aimed at virtually eliminating the right to seek asylum in the United States, because there’s no point in half-assing white supremacist tyranny, I guess. Anyway, I don’t think Hairplug Himmler has appointed enough lunatic federal judges yet to get away with just making up whatever laws that come to him during Fux n’ Fiendz commercial breaks, but I suppose we’ll find out soon enough.

So I guess the big news is the racist guy being even racister than usual. Yes, the Grand Wizard Grifter tweeted out some vile shit, straight from the locker room at the annual KKK softball tourney, targeting four Democratic House freshmen, who, in what I’m sure is just the zaniest of coincidences, all happen to be women of color. Now, me, I think it’s the Carcinogenic Creamsicle who ought to  “go back to where he came from.” Even though he’s put on a little weight since then, I’m sure there’s still room at the bottom of that outhouse.

And once again we’re doing the silly little dance where Trump and his stooges pretend to be outraged at charges of racism, and pundits churn out a thousand impeccably-researched columns to prove their case, as though we’re dealing with people arguing in good faith. As though the race hate isn’t the entire festering core of Trumpism. Folks, we’re talking about the dude who couldn’t even give a speech in response to a white supremacist terror attack without praising white supremacists. He’s a swollen tick, engorged on bigotry, a bloated geyser that spews shit and bile and endless, raging, hatred, all day and all night. It’s who he is. And we’re all just waiting around to see how that plays in the Rust Belt in 2020 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHTHISISHELLLLLLLLLLLLL.

And don’t forget, the Bonespur Buttplug is indeed inciting all this hatred, and potentially, violence as a fucking campaign tactic, which you can almost understand, I guess; what’s he gonna run on, his record? “After four years of doing crap everyone hates, accomplishing jack shit beyond cutting your boss’ taxes, vote for me anyway because we both despise these four brown-skinned women! I’m gonna steal your health care and shut down your family business with my dipshit trade war, but LET THE HATE FLOW THROUGH YOU!!! GOOD, GOOOOOOOOD!!!!!”

It took the elected officials of the GOP a whole goddamn day to realize this one, like Charlottesville, wasn’t going to go away by itself. And thus, as proud graduates of the Jeff Flake School of Political Courage, they’re been trickling out some of the weakest sauce this side of a truck stop Olive Garden. Cowering before the rabid hate mob their party has become, most of them lack the vertebrae to muster so much as a feeble “hey, maybe the president shouldn’t talk like David Duke at a wedding with an open bar.”

At this point, I’m convinced that Susan Collins and Mitt Romney have been replaced by actors performing elaborate parodies of the originals. Of course, to the Lickspittle Elite, like Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin, even bigotry so blatant as to draw the open praise of white supremacists doesn’t count as racism because…just BECAUSE, ok? And of course Lindsey Graham slid right into his comfortable role as Fat Q*Bert’s Shitty Igor, bowing and scraping and lapping up his master’s brackish piss, insisting to anyone who’ll listen that it’s delicious.

For years, one of conservatives’ favorite attacks on President Obama was blather to the effect of “how can you fight radical Islamic terrorism if you won’t even say it?” Well, how can you fight Al Qaeda if you CAN’T FUCKING SPELL IT? Seriously? “Alcaida?” If you needed proof that Donnie Dotard has never read one single paragraph of his security briefings in more than two years, you’ve got it.

Hey, if you did a triple take this afternoon when you saw the headline “Richard Spencer is now the Acting Defense Secretary,” nobody could blame you. Good for a quick lil’ heart attack, huh?

Oh, and Kellyanne Conway skipped out on a subpoena from the House Oversight and Reform Committee today, probably to smoke grass and violate the Hatch Act some more under the bleachers after school. Like, I get why Boss Shart attacks the rule of law; he’s been committing significant crimes for decades now, and there’s a very real possibility of dying in prison if the law ever catches up to him. But Kellyanne? Shit, you’re just a penny-ante propagandist, sit the fuck down.

And don’t miss CNN’s thrilling behind-the-scenes exposé on how Shit-Smearing Cat Neglecter Julian Assange colluded with Russian intelligence agencies to fuck up the entire dang world, from the comfort of the Ecuadorian Embassy in London. Julian’s in jail right now, and I sincerely hope they pee in his food.

Fuck it, I’m out. I’m taking my chances with the meth ‘gators. Oh, by the way, I don’t think I’ll be able to check in again until Friday, so don’t stay up, staring mournfully at your screen, waiting for the usual Thursday Nite update. 😉

P.S. It’s been a rough one tonight, so let me leave you with this hilarious and richly-deserved profile of the Trumpiest little turdlet in the U.S. House, it’s a good’n.

*Like, I know there are disputes between the various sects over when you get to eat red meat and whether or not you’re allowed to be alone in a room with a woman, but torturing kids is frowned upon more or less universally, right?

Shower Cap

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NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

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