Hey folks, slow news day with the “holiday,” so I’m doing something a little different tonight. Since we’re in the home stretch before our long-awaited opportunity to fire a bunch of complicit GOP assclowns in the 2018 midterms, I figured I’d put together a little somethin’ to help y’all pass the time.

So here it is, the Last Month Before the 2018 (Goddamn) Midterms Countdown Advent Calendar! A month’s worth of little doors, each featuring a different GOP jagoff, each concealing a unique treat! O how festive!

(Okay, it’s a little late, because I only just had the idea. Fuckin’ sue me.)

Adorning the First wee door is departing House Speaker Paul Ryan! Trembling with anticipation, you pry it open, discovering a single flavorless oyster cracker, because CANDY IS FOR JOB CREATORS, YOU FILTHY TAKER.

Day Two features Ancient Utah Senator Orrin Hatch, and you get a piece of Bazooka Joe gum; hard, old, and useless, you don’t understand why anybody keeps this shit around anymore.

Up Third is Chuck Grassley; a piece of used chewing gum, all but fossilized, covered in a dozen layers of dust, like it’s been under Grandma’s dresser since the 1980’s.

We’re still not done with practically-decomposing Judiciary Committee Senators, so here’s Day Four: Louisiana’s John Kennedy. It’s a Werther’s Original with a few tiny slivers of broken glass protruding from it.

Day Five brings Ted Cruz…there’s a candy chew shaped exactly like his punchable face; no one can describe the flavor because everybody just smashes it to oblivion the moment they see it.

Next up, your Sixth door depicts Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse! There’s nothing behind it except a gust of hot air that leaves the smell of egg farts lingering in the room for hours.

Treat number Seven hides behind a picture of Lindsey Graham, his face twisted in indignant faux rage! You get a little packet of cat piss flavored pop rocks that spark and jump and instantaneously give you tongue cancer.

Day Eight offers a milk chocolate likeness of Arizona Senator Jeff Flake. Of course the figure is completely hollow, and the candy shell is so thin it crumbles to dust a split second after you open the door.

Day Nine is for Mitch McConnell. It’s a chocolate turtle, of course, and when you break it open, it’s got a list of all the federal judicial vacancies he can’t wait to fill next year after you lazy liberals stay home for the midterms, like usual.

Susan Collins is on the Tenth door, which opens to reveal a licorice chew in a wrapper proclaiming “Moderate Flavor for a Moderate,” but when you pop it in your mouth, your toes curl from an anise taste so strong, it must’ve come from some disreputable small batch candy factory in a bad part of Manchester. BECAUSE THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A MODERATE REPUBLICAN.

Door Eleven is the shiny new Justice himself, Brett Kavanaugh. It’s a root beer barrel, of course, and when you open the door, it plays a little audio clip of him screaming I LIKE BEER, like one of those talking Hallmark cards.  Oh, and it doubles as a roofie.

Day Twelve is for would-be Senator Roy Moore…no candy here, but a gift certificate to buy your own at the bulk store…in the mall.

On the Thirteenth door is Sean Hannity. It looks like a peanut butter cup, but the filling is rancid hamburger meat, crawling with maggots.

Next comes entry Fourteen, Tucker Carlson; a small quantity of candy corns with just the tips removed, because WHITE GENOCIDE.

For Rudy Giuliani on Day Fifteen, it’s some gummy teeth, but they’re…something’s wrong here. Oh god, no that’s…Jesus just shut the door! SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR!

Day Sixteen brings us to Sheriff David Clarke, and a cookie so over-ornamented with decorative sprinkles that you can’t actually remove it from the box.

Door Seventeen is for Michael Cohen, and it’s a chocolate-covered jumping bean. CUZ IT FLIPS, GET IT?

Next up, Day Eighteen is Paul Manafort, but the candy has already been seized by the government, per Robert Mueller’s instructions.

On Day Nineteen, behind Betsy DeVos’ door, is a little chocolate grizzly bear! Hope you brought your little chocolate rifle!

Day Twenty features Scott Pruitt. There’s nothing there, because he stole it. Maybe it was lotion.

Ok, Day Twenty-One! Here’s Jeff Sessions! Aw, it’s a little white chocolate in the shape of a burning cross! Eat it right away, or it’ll try to deport all your dark chocolate.

Onward to door Twenty-Two. Steve Mnuchin’s nook features a couple of chocolate gold coins and an audio recording of Louise Linton laughing at you because you can’t afford real ones.

Here’s Mike Pompeo on Day Twenty-Three. There’s no candy here, but you get a note promising he’s gonna get you a whole box of super-fancy truffles from North Korea. Really. Any day now, you’ll see.

Day Twenty-Four. Ben Carson’s chocolate seems innocuous enough at first, but a tentative nibble reveals it’s filled with…grain?

Up on Day Twenty-Five is Sarah Huckabee Sanders. A sour ball so sour, it instantly contorts your face into her trademark grimace.

Day Twenty-Six is our ol’ chum, Kellyanne Conway. Looks like some sort of coconut cluster, how pleasant. You bite into it, only to discover it’s a wad of chocolate-covered toenail clippings.

Day Twenty-Seven is the GOP tax bill, which actually takes candy you already bought out of the pantry down the hall and gives it to the Koch brothers.

The Twenty-Eighth door is James Comey; it’s a fruit chew where when you bite into it, you wreck the entire fucking world.

Day Twenty-Nine is for Vice President Pence, and it’s a little candy birth control pill that disintegrates before your eyes the moment it’s exposed to air.

Door Thirty, of course, is the Velveeta Vulgarian himself, and within you find a stale circus peanut. Break it in half, and there’s a cat turd inside. But fuck him, now you’re at Election Day, 2018, motherfuckers!

The REAL treat is the Blue Wave, y’know.