Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
This Last-Minute Surge in Voter Enthusiasm is Brought to You by Post-Kavanaugh Gloating and…Taylor Swift?
Hey everybody, no blog tonight, I just don’t have anything to say, honestl-oh hang on, the Soros check just showed up, special delivery! I guess I can continue with my paid activism which is only purchased and certainly not sincere now!
Well, we began the week with the Unseemly Victory Lap phase of the Kavanaugh debacle, I guess because Republicans were worried they weren’t getting crotch-punted out of Congress hard enough.
Folks, I’ll be honest with you, I consider Mitch McConnell to be an evil political genius. Far and away the most dangerous Republican since I’ve been paying attention to this crap. But he’s more the Arcane Procedural Maneuver genius than the Electoral Politics genius, as demonstrated by the fact that though he’s accomplished a truly tremendous amount of fuckery, his own party still generally hates him.
So I look to my right, and there’s Yertle and his Band of Living Fossils, high-fiving one another over the brilliance of the “Brettwurst is the real victim here” strategy, but when I look to my left, I see Every Woman I Have Met or Heard Of so fired up with post-Kavanaugh rage that they’d each tear a six-foot-thick steel vault door off its hinges, single-handed, for the chance to vote every Republican in sight straight off the fucking planet…and I just wanna give Mitch the biggest megaphone in all creation for his gloating.
…especially when he picked this week of all weeks to (dishonestly) insist that it was Senate Republicans who were “under assault.” Fuck, Mitch, how many millions did you raise for us with THAT little quip? You’re a One-Turtle Democratic Turnout Machine. “These things always blow over?” Sure. Twenty, thirty years…we’ll have moved right past this shit, I promise.
And let’s shine a fat fuckin’ spotlight on the Wall Street Journal’s editorial team, who marked the Douchebro SCOTUS Ascension with…A CELEBRATORY RAPE JOKE!
Lindsey Graham, suffering from a potentially-terminal case of cancer of the decency, lamented that roles were reversed now, and that this time is was the MAN who was the “slut whore drunk,” when it is most typically slut whore women who are called “slut whore drunks,” with their slutty whorishness/drunkenness/sluttiness and whatnot. Insightful fellow, that Lindsey.
But the classiest take of all came from West Virginia city council Republijag Eric Barber, who couldn’t contain his explosive glee, posting “Better get you’re [sic] coat hangers ready, liberals,” because what’s funnier than women risking their lives after an oppressive theocratic government denies them the basic human right to govern their own bodies, right? RIGHT? TIP YOUR WAIT STAFF!!!!
In what I’m sure is Completely, Totally, Absolutely Unrelated News, a CNN generic congressional ballot poll released today showed women prefer Democratic candidates to Republican ones by a 63%-33% margin. How did this happen? Some things are simply beyond our ken.
And of course, at an inappropriately-politicized “swearing in” party, Shart Garfunkel himself declared Kavanaughty to be “proven innocent” which is 31 flavors of not true. The President rambled on, insisting that his new SCOTUS lackey invented toast, won the Best Supporting Actor Oscar in 1985, and once climbed Mount Everest using only his dong. Whatever.
Oh, and Tangerine Idi Amin actually APOLOGIZED to the creepy drunken freak. Hasn’t apologized to Dr. Ford, or the Khans, or Serge Kovaleski, or Katy Tur, or Megyn Kelly, or…fuck, I can’t keep this up, I’ll never finish this fucking blog.
Hey, remember that time Mike Pants went to a football game (well, the part right before the game, anyway) just to put on a little show about how he doesn’t think the first amendment applies to black people? Turns out, that cost taxpayers at least $325,000!
I guess maybe vanity isn’t a sin if somebody else foots the bill? Anyway, I for one am really looking forward to endless lectures on fiscal responsibility from the folks who pissed six figures away so the Vice President could wank off on the Constitution for ten minutes.
So, there was some big WAKE THE FUCK UP, ASSHOLES climate change report, right? I’m gonna level with you folks. I didn’t read this. I’m kinda up to my eyeballs in fecal matter just keeping up with the day-to-day madness here, and I don’t think it’s wise to risk my already-precariously-teetering mood any further. It might lead me to switch out my beer for ether.
(I also haven’t had time yet to read this piece about Trump and Alfa Bank, but it seems important. Tell you what, you read it, make up your own jokes, only find a place to say “Shart.” It’ll be just I did the work, only…I didn’t.)
I see Melania popped up just long enough to whine about people talking about how she dresses, which was extra amusing considering she was taking her Sexy Allan Quartermain Halloween costume out for a test drive…in Africa.
Oh hey, you’re never gonna believe this, but one of Government Cheese Goebbels’ high-level appointees has done a bunch of racist/conspiracy theory crap online. I hope you had smelling salts on hand before you read that.
There is a hot new enemy of the state on the scene, and her name is Tay-Tay! Yes, Taylor Swift, who I am told is a pop star of some note, wrote a post about how Marsha Blackburn is hot trash, (because Marsha Blackburn is hot trash) and endorsed Phil Bredesen in the Tennessee Senate Race.
The good news is, Swift’s message seems to have led to a spike in new voter registrations, even from young people! The even better news is, this sparked a massive (and massively hilarious) meltdown in the loser white nationalist community (I repeat myself), who had decided she was somehow one of them…for no real reason. Anyway, they’re mad, and it’s funny.
Now, as much fun as I had laughing at these bumbling assclowns, I honestly wonder…when white supremacists get together, does anyone ever point out, like, “Hey, waitasec…we’re all morons. Every single one of us. How can a wobbly wad of blithering idiots be the master race?”
Former Trumpal security blanket Hope Hicks has been revealed as the Player to be Named Later in the swap between the Shart House and Fux Nooz, which landed Disgraced Pervert Enabler Bill Shine in her old job, because the whole right-wing political/media complex is just one big fever swamp full of the shittiest people on God’s green Earth.
Seems Former Stooge/Current Stoolie Rick Gates solicited digital fuckery pitches from an Israeli company during the 2016 campaign. Once again, we seem to be in “We tried really really hard to collude with foreign operatives, but being the largest collection of malicious fuckwits ever assembled, we somehow failed to pull it off” as the “best” defense territory.
While we’re on collusion, our old pal Peter Smith popped back up. No, he’s still dead, shit isn’t THAT cray (yet), but boy howdy he was up to some shady-ass shit trying to get ahold of Hilldawg’s e-mails.
Hey, I know y’all haven’t heard from Bill at the Abject Horror Desk for awhile. The Kavanaugh hearings were…hard on Bill. I found him behind an art supply store, sucking paint thinner from rags. How you holdin’ up, Bill?
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LET ME DIE IN PEACE, CAP?
Gosh, I’m sorry Bill, just wanted to see if there was any abject horror the folks at home should know about?
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Any abject horror? ANY ABJECT HORROR?
That’s the question alright, Bill.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: GOSH CAP, I DON’T KNOW? DOES THE GOVERNMENT’S ONGOING DETENTION OF MIGRANT CHILDREN COUNT? DOES “TWO-YEAR-OLDS IN IMMIGRATION COURT” COUNT?
Oh…fuck. Yeah, Bill. Yeah it does. Jesus. Let me buy you a fresh bottle of paint thinner and leave you to your…day, I guess.
Checking in on the Big Dumb Trade War, the Bloated Blockhead’s ego-driven tariffs have cost Ford A BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS already, and somewhat unsurprisingly, they’re about to start laying workers off. Because, y’know, the President’s ego trip is more important than YOUR job.
It makes sense, when you think about it…after all, it was Obama who saved the auto industry, and we all know how much Fat Q*Bert loves undoing his predecessor’s accomplishments…
Oh hey, make sure you find time for this new Fire Ted Cruz ad from the great Richard Linklater. I’m all for firing Ted, of course…the tricky part might be finding him. Fucker keeps running away from scheduled debates.
Didja see this bit of petty Obamacare fuckery? Once again, these rat bastards are scheduling unnecessary “maintenance time” during the already-shortened ACA enrollment period. Because your government doesn’t want you to have health insurance, even though you’re entitled to it. Your government is pro-You-Dying. Some call me a bleeding heart, but I think that’s sort of a dick move.
I guess the big news of the day was Nikki Haley resigning as Shartboy’s dutiful messenger/disappointment magnet at the United Nations. There were takes, my friends…dear lord, there were TAKES.
There’s this weird need in almost every corner of the media to paint Haley as “the adult in the room” or “one of the good ones” because she doesn’t use a letter opener carved from a human femur like Stephen Miller. Everyone’s desperately ascribing noble motives like “Oh she quit in protest after the treatment of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford,” or “She just couldn’t support his trade policies anymore.” Oh, you dear, sweet, children.
Nikki Haley is a garbage person. She was a garbage person long before Donald Trump came along. She’s a lying authoritarian who has always used her power to the benefit of her wealthy donors, at the expense of everyday folks. She is 100% complicit in the Marmalade Shartcannon’s disastrous foreign policy, which will damage this country for decades to come. She sucks. There are no bonus points for being Slightly Less Shitty Than Steve Bannon.
Like, if you’re at a party with Cancer and Ebola, maybe hanging out by the cheese plate with Emphysema seems like your best option, but the point is that the party sucks.
Never-Trumpers feebly fantasized about a Haley 2020 primary challenge, vanquishing the Emperor of Outhouses and restoring Republican honor once and for all! You just want to pat them on their little heads, don’t you? Sweetie. The fucker vanquished your entire primary field, from Jeb(!) to Pataki, by out-racisting and out misogning them. This is what your base IS. More grown-ups believe in the fucking Tooth Fairy than imagine the ravenous white nationalist GOP electorate would EVER back a non-white woman, especially while they still have Cheeto Jesus to bow before.
Speaking of the Never-Trumpers, by the way, recent days have yielded a bumper crop of “Wait, I think maybe we’re the bad guys” think pieces from everybody from Colin Powell to Tom Nichols. My personal favorite was by Max Boot, who, bless his heart, has started to wonder if there isn’t maybe a little racism in the Republican Party.
Racism? From Republicans? Surely you are mistaken, sir!
Anyhoo, on her way out, Haley gushed about how America had never been more respected by the rest of the world, as demonstrated by the fact that the Saudis certainly weren’t kidnapping/murdering/dismembering critical journalists, and China totally wasn’t even thinking about detaining the head of Interpol, because of all the Respect for America that keeps such things from happening.
Oh, and because we live in Hell, we even had to talk about Princess Ivanka maybe replacing Haley at the U.N. Donnie Two-Scoops clearly wants it, but he worries he’d be accused of nepotism. Hey, even a stopped clock, right?
Anyway, yeah, the Blue Wave has the Ratfink Brigade quakin’ in their boots, so their last desperate plan is to paint us as a violent mob that will surely break down your doors and set your Ted Nugent posters on fire, and also simultaneously just paid* protesters because gosh who could look on everything that’s gone down these last couple of years with anything but gratitude and reverence?
Heh. It’s too late, fuckheads. We’re already INSIDE THE HOUSE. It’s a (metaphorical) slasher movie, motherfuckers. We’re picking you off, one at a time (non-violently, of course). A couple of you might survive (electorally, I mean), but the rest of you, we will END (with votes).
Think a party with Cancer, Ebola and Emphysema sucks?
Try going to a kegger with Cavanaugh.
I know I’m working my ass off out here in the NC 11th district for the Dems. Some fucker keeps stealing 2/80 signs I’ve put out 4 Phillip Price. I even trim the grass around the signs. I’m gonna get that Repug!
Your blog and voting guide are stellar. Thanks for your energy and work.
Here’s a piece from some artists in Falmouth, MA.
Cap, I don’t know how you keep this up—every piece you write is better than the last, and the last was already hilariously sharp. So grateful to have you shining the light on this horror show, and setting up you midterms voting guide. You rule!
Literally laughing out loud at my desk. BRILLIANT. And funny as shart.
We are just whistling past the graveyard of climate change.
Brilliance as usual Cap thanks so much, a neighbor to the North who still can’t figure out how/believe that this shit has been allowed to happen to a once great country.