- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
A Little Apology, and a Lotta Gratitude
Hey folks,
I want to do something a little different tonight.
So yeah…first let me apologize real quick for the recent wonkiness of the blog schedule. There’s been some real life stuff, and honestly I’m still trying to adjust to the Dem-primary-driven news cycle; the Republican fuckery that I cover here has kinda faded into the background a bit, especially with President Shitstain traveling abroad.
Anyway, this week, the real life stuff has centered largely around that comic book I’ve been telling y’all about. The physical copies arrived just yesterday, and I’m headed to C2E2, one of the largest comic conventions in the country, this weekend, to see if I can’t get the book in the hands of an editor or two. To finally take the first real steps towards achieving a dream I’ve had since I was a kid; a career writing comics.
And I have y’all to thank for that.
I never planned on having a blog, let alone anything as specific as a Shart Jokes About a Fuckhead Criminal President blog, but after two years and change, I’m mighty damn glad this thing worked out. Because this silly stack of juvenile poo gags has, oddly enough, changed my whole dang life.
Cliff notes version here, a lack of confidence has been one of, if not the single biggest obstacle in my life. I’m sure many of you can identify; that nagging little voice that tells you not to bother starting the new project, or taking the big risk, because you’re a piece of shit and you’ll fail anyway, so why fuckin’ bother? That voice is lying, no-good, turd-gargling, sumbitch, but…boy howdy it sure can scream loud, can’t it?
And it’s held me back for…well, just about my entire life.
Until y’all came around.
I can’t understate what the response to this blog has meant to me. It’s truly amazing what a steady diet of kind words and encouragement can do for a human soul. With each comment, or retweet, or private message, you start to believe, more and more, “hey, maybe I have a lil’ somethin’ to offer after all.” And the voice screaming “you’re wasting your time, loser” finally starts to fade into the background.
So please allow me to thank you for that. All of your supportive feedback over the years (holy fuck it’s been YEARS) has made me a stronger person than I’ve ever been, and frankly a stronger person than I ever imagined I could be. Who knew referring to the President of the United States as a “shartcannon” could have such restorative, invigorating, Chicken Soup for the Fake Superhero’s Soul effects?
Anyway, moving on, the All-New, All-Confident, Me took the plunge, and made the comic, and came to y’all, hat in hand, asking you to support the book via Kickstarter. And I didn’t know what to expect. Y’all don’t owe me shit; I just told you what I’m getting out of writing this blog. I got a transformed life, and now I’m asking for money, too? What a greedy bastard, right?
Going in, I figured I’d be lucky to sell 20 copies, but by the end of the Kickstarter, I had orders for more than 250, mostly from readers of this blog. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve your generosity, but again, from the bottom of my drunken, profane, masked-and-bathrobed heart, I thank you. I can’t wait to get the book out to everyone who ordered it. And I can’t wait to start delivering the new Rogues pages and letters some of you ordered.
Ok. Enough mushy shit. I’m gonna get back to the regularly scheduled format tomorrow night, because I’ve got the con this weekend. Beyond that, again, I’m trying to navigate a different type of news cycle, so bear with me if I’m not as regular as I’ve been.
Stay safe out there, Resisters. I love you all!
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Don’t stop blogging! Your regular spasms of inspired lunacy and accurately focused shit cannon aimed at the appalling mob of traitors infesting the government are a source of encouragement to me that some people are still sane.
You help keep me sane. Thank you. And thank you for the thank you. I love your blog.
Sign me: raging since the 60s.
Kudos Shower Cap! You deserve success. You’re creative, witty, insightful, intelligent, and your insulting nicknames for the Mango Mussolini are the BEST. Reading your blogs have helped me keep my sanity in this not-so-normal world we’re living in. Cheers!
Love you too, dude.
Cap,
That was a beautiful thank you. Truly.
And it gave me a good feeling (Hope ? Can it be you, Hope, you marvelous bitch?) . I also have a turd – gurgler gargling away in my head all day long, and yes, that mumbly mother- fucker is quite loud and ever so persistent.
Your blog is what we need and your adjectives so correctly encapsulate this horrible man and his disgusting administration. So, Thank You! Who woulda thought such love could come as a result of us all nodding our heads while reading you rip apart our dear President Crotchrot ? You write what we feel, only a hellava lot funnier!
You are truly a national treasure and deserve much success!!!!!
Your blog brightens my day whenever it appears! Helps ease the pain of seeing our country going down the tubes with this “tangerine Idi Amin”! How many people even know who Idi Amin was? I do and its totally cute-like stuff I saw between the lines of “Rocky and Bulwinkle” back in my childhood. And I look forward to get your comic, although I haven’t done anything yet. Will, I promise. Keep up the good work!
Holy shit! Another Rocky ‘n Bullwinkle fan lurking in the dark heart of Shower Cap’s blog!
Glad ta meetcha, dude. Remember Professor Peabody and his boy, Sherman? I’d love to hear THEIR take on the reign of Tangerine Idi Amin. The puns write themselves with this administration.
Anyone who thinks we’re giving too much love to a cartoon character should try imagining President Pence and the ensuing religious dough-see-dough ‘Merica would take under his “leadership.” I swear, presidents pick the worst veeps they can find as assassination insurance.
” . . . a lack of confidence has been one of, if not the single biggest obstacle in my life.” That confession absolutely blew me away! You are my hero and hero to thousands upon thousands of other resistors. No one writes like you or has the way with words that you do. You are brilliant. Don’t ever stop.
I lived for forty years with that inadequacy shit and it is really wearing. I figured out that I’m actually a Type B and don’t have to be drinking the Kcol Ade and galloping around chasing money. The last 45 years have been pretty good except for being clinically depressed. I ignore it. Meditation doncha know. Good piece and good luck. Thanks
And thanks for the spellcheck.
OMG – my late Mom would be so proud of you! She was such a hound about thank you notes, that you couldn’t take that slip (look it up) Aunt Ginny sent you from Strawbridge & Clothier out of the damned box, much less wear it, until you’d sat down and handwritten your gratitude and fond regards. Lovely letter (btw, you’re VERY welcome) and, in response, one free edit from this grammar Nazi: you actually can’t OVERstate what the response has meant to you – a very common glitch. So go ahead, Mr. Big Shot Published Comic Author – party hearty at C2E2, but then get your raggedy ass home & start crankin’ out some more snark for your rabid fans. A day without Cap is like a day without sunshine (or beer, if it’s more relatable). Well deserved congratulations…
you done good:) S
What a lovely thank you. And how crazy that someone so talented could struggle with confidence. (Even more crazy is how confident utterly talentless people can be.) Somehow I managed to miss your Kickstarter situation, so how could I get a book at this point? Wishing you all the best in the pursuit of your dreams — which has brought me much needed laughter during high-anxiety times.
Every time I read your blog, I marvel at how you have the time and energy to go through the most outrageous news and pull out the most outrageous of the outrageous stuff, and then convert it to something that makes me laugh, or at least smile, or at least not kill myself.
You have an amazing talent! Stuff a sock in that damn voice!
First time I came across your blog I realized how desperately important it is to LAUGH in these dark days. I am forever grateful for your shartcannon express of non stop giggles. Kudos to your comic book dream come true!! I’d like one too.
I’m glad you’re turning out to be a success. Just don’t get all uppity about it, OK?
I’m glad you’re turning out to be a success. Just don’t get all uppity and hoity toity about it, OK?
Cap-You write like a champ and set the standard for documenting with primo snark this nightmare shit parade, while providing valuable public therapy service. Thank you again. You rock.
Really happy for you and proud of you! What you do with this blog is heroic and important. Thank you and congratulations on your book!
Without you, I would have lost what little mind I do have. Your ability to make me laugh when I feel like screaming in abject terror is nothing short of miraculous. So thank you. ?
I’m not sure what I could say that others above haven’t already. Dammit! My eyes are leaking. You are one damned talented person. Your humility and gratitude just makes me love you all the more. Be well my masked profane light in shining bathrobe armor.
Dude. You did it. You actually did it– all while keeping us all from ripping off our ears and forking our eyes out– because you did all the hard work for us. Thank YOU for all you do– and all you will do in the future. You are a wonderful treasure. I hope there’s someone- human or petfamily to hug you.
But here’s a great big Maine-sized hug from the currently very damp and blustery Down East.
As you were.
You fulfill a need in life to try not to take shit too seriously. I am grateful for that. I shared your blog with another ‘political analysis’ blog I frequent and got thanks in return, so, there’s that. LOL
Keep on keepin’ on, my friend!
Without your blog I seriously doubt I could find anything to laugh about for the last 3 years. So, Thank You. Glad to know you get out of that bathrobe on occasion and hope the con brings you even more readers.
I look forward to your blog more than any “press release!” (Not sure that came off as the compliment I intended, but trust me, it was meant to be.) Your witty and sarcastic comments always go right to the heart of the matter and tell it like it is. Good luck on your new enterprise, but please….PLEASE continue your blog. Our lives would be so much less without it.
Well done, Cap. This may feel like a regular part of your readers’ lives, but we must not take you for granted. Your work is hard work — even if and when it flows like warm butter because Drump and his minions are such colossal affronts to decency. I’m looking forward to my copy of your comic book. It was a pleasure to help with a modest donation to the project. I did a little time as a professional cartoonist and I know how REALLY hard that work is. I bow to you, sir. Please — with your new anticipated success — don’t stop blogging. We all need you.
We love you, too, Cap! Your scathingly intelligent and wildly funny reporting on the Occupied Years is keeping a whole lot of us more able to function, and Resist. Laughter is healing, and we’ve never needed it more. Thank you for your heroism in wading in the toxic swamp and fishing out hilarious morsels. Congratulations for finding faith in your dreams and yourself.
As probably your eldest and most devoted reader, I thank you for your insight into one of the most corrupt enterprises since Abe Lincoln had to deal with Stanton and his criminal element.
But now, Son we have to deal with no only a moral issue with blatant corruption, but a serious health threat. Enroute to a pandemic, we are being led by a MadKing Donnie, he of the all seeing and all knowing nothingness. All of the mercies of God for everyone, as MadKing Donnie has “neutered and silenced” the CDC. Not that many of the Scientist remain in place. The ability of the Administration is supported by placing “14 Sick Virus patients on a plane loaded with healthy people“, even though the CDC warned of risk. If you believe that washing your hands is the only protection about a virulent virus, you believe Donnie. As a retired nurse having survived the HIV and Ebola crisis, even that Government bungling stands out as pure genius, with this bungling load of hot air at the helm.
Your blog is true gallows humor, has kept all of us laughing through our fear and like gallows humor, spoke the truth.
Well stated. I certainly feel like we are in the gallows and our democracy is here in the gallows with us. You are how I get through the week at all.
I could copy and paste all those comments above, to tell you how much I enjoy your work. But why bother, you’ve already read them all.
Instead I thought I’d let you know what impact you’ve had on our language forever. These are just a few of your masterful names that you’ve given us. And I’ve seen many used at various comment sections around. I’ve even seen them in actual articles. Here is just a few:
“Mango Mussolini”
“tangerine Idi Amin”
“President Crotchrot”
“Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot”
“Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits” (my personal favorite)
“Orange Julius Caesar”
“Candycorn Skidmark”
“President Gas Station Urinal Cake”
“Hairplug Himmler”
“Velveeta Vulgarian”
“Marmalade Shartcannon”
And let’s not forget our favorite congressman:
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes
Thanks again, and I’m looking forward to the next one.
Cap, THANK YOU for putting into words how we all feel and making us see the joke in this whole situation! Your snark has made it possible to get through this mess we find ourselves in in a humorous way enabling us to go on each week………
Sometimes you’re blog made me crazier because I found out about even more heinous goings on from this horror in the White House! It’s hard to believe you ever had doubts about your writing, because this blog is genius.
You are very welcome.
And the prior commenters have already said it much better than I can.
THANK YOU!
EQUIPMENT
Figure it out for yourself, my lad,
You’ve all that the greatest of men have had,
Two arms, two hands, two legs, two eyes
And a brain to use if you would be wise.
With this equipment they all began,
So start for the top and say, “I can.”
Look them over, the wise and great
They take their food from a common plate,
And similar knives and forks they use,
With similar laces they tie their shoes.
The world considers them brave and smart,
But you’ve all they had when they made their start.
You can triumph and come to skill,
You can be great if you only will.
You’re well equipped for what fight you choose,
You have legs and arms and a brain to use,
And the man who has risen great deeds to do
Began his life with no more than you.
You are the handicap you must face,
You are the one who must choose your place,
You must say where you want to go,
How much you will study the truth to know.
God has equipped you for life, but He
Lets you decide what you want to be.
Courage must come from the soul within,
The man must furnish the will to win.
So figure it out for yourself, my lad.
You were born with all that the great have had,
With your equipment they all began,
Get hold of yourself and say: “I can.”
–Edgar A. Guest
I second what everyone above has said. You’re a genius and a sanity saver, and you’ve helped me get through this miserable time by making me laugh.
Thank you for all you do.
And I’d like to buy a copy of your comic book, too!
Love ya, Cap!
Come to Comic-Con in July in my San Diego! Go to “Comic-Con 2020 exhibitor applications” but it is $3600 for 10 x 10 booth. You could probably sell outside in the street but we think you would need a San Diego City permit. There are always people giving away souvenirs outside as well. These are my thoughts. Thank you for the blog and really hope you will do a donation sheet for 2020 for choice Senators and House of Rep Battles like you did in 2018, that’s what brought me in.
My rage discovered a voice, it is…and will remain, yours.
Would you consider posting a single page of your epic comic, for those of uf on the fence?
Dear Cap,
I’m an old lady in Indiana and I love you!
I’ve kinda lost the ability to put things into words and I’m so thankful that you do it for me-brilliantly.
I’m praying for your kitty. Losing pets is so hard. I lost a pup last fall.
You are receiving a return on your investment! Congratulations.
Thank you for making me laugh like crazy. I hope to read many more blogs about President Gas Station Urinal Cake!
P.S. Please tell me how to send a token of support to you; a check is what I mean..?
There seem to be a lot of us out here with confidence issues. But, dang!!! Good for you, Cap! I’m so happy for you. I look forward to reading your blogs whenever they appear. You brighten my day. Thank you so much!!!!!
Wow, your thank you was a total surprise yesterday when I was just expecting the usual “lol” moments in your blog. It brought tears to my eyes because it was so sincere and unassuming when you have so many people who “love your ass”. I am an older fan but not so old that the language bothers me. I seriously laugh my ass off when reading your humorous nicknames and analogies and it pisses me off that I’m retired and home by myself so I have no one to share with until my husband gets home from work. I too always wanted to be a writer but I never did shit with it so I am very happy you were able to make your comic book happen and I can’t wait to get my copy. Keep the humor coming and if mango Mussolini (it’s hard to pick a favorite) and his rethuglican goons get voted out of office, I hope there will still be other inspiring material to for you to use.
We had to put our oldest cat 16 1/2 to sleep Feb 14th. We got time with her beforehand. So I know how you feel. We kept him going the last year, but when they are v sick, it is best they are out of their pain. RIP Grey Lady