So, they started selling Trump 2028 hats this week. Me, I might’ve held off on that particular assault on the constitutional order, for a moment less inundated with headlines about how everyone hates everything I’m doing, but then, I’ve never bankrupted a casino.

Even Fox Nooz can no longer ignore the polling, as the American people shout, in an increasingly unified voice, “Kindly cease ruining stuff, you fatheaded fucking fuck.”

Turd Midas finds himself underwater (identifying drawings of dolphins and crustaceans, for a change) on even his strongest issues, like immigration, and the economy, as he careens from fuckup to fuckup, like a dumber, fatter, oranger Wile E. Coyote.

Turns out launching that 185-front trade war may’ve been a bit unwise. The market’s still in the crapper, and the layoffs have already begun, but we’re nowhere near the worst of it yet. The Big Box CEOs tried to warn the Dotard of coming price increases, even shortages, but of course the needs of the American consumer will always take a backseat to the Offal in the Oval’s ego.

Now, he’s desperately seeking a “face saving off ramp” with China, but they won’t give him so much as a phone call. They’ve cut off rare-earth mineral exports, though, in what I suppose passes for a conciliatory gesture, they’ve quadrupled production of memes referring to him as “10,000 Tariff Grandpa.” Sure hope we get this shit worked out before we hit the “wagons of Deutsche Marks” stage, don’t you?

And it’s not just Main Street suffering here, y’know. The cost of spray tanner, too-long red neckties, Slavic hooker piss…all through the roof. Times like these, it’s helpful to have a bribe jar to rattle. Like, say, your own, personal meme coin.

So, the top, oh, let’s say two hundred and twenty “investors” get face time at a private dinner with the President of the United States, who just happens to be in the business of doling out exemptions to the crushing tariffs he so recently imposed. You ever go to one of those Brazilian steakhouses, where you flip over a little card whenever you want them to pour more succulent meats down your gullet? It’s like that.

As far as immigration goes, the administration seems to have misinterpreted a narrow mandate to fix the border as The Median Voter is Essentially Stephen Miller, so they’ve been caught completely off guard by the backlash to the whole “disappearing folks to foreign torture camps” thing.

But the courts’re pushing back, which is good, because if these bastards get away with this shit, don’t be surprised when they photoshop MS-13 tattoos onto Adam Schiff’s knuckles, y’know?

I suppose we’re still in the seeking-cutesy-loopholes-around-the-rule-of-law stage of our constitutional crisis, with a little “we didn’t have a warrant BUT” here, a little “you blocked DHS from deporting people to Salvadoran gulags, but you didn’t say anything about DoD, tee hee!” there, but we should probably stop normalizing these things, don’tcha think?

Because before you know it, Kash Patel’ll be ordering the FBI to arrest judges, and then you’re in a whole heap of – hang on, I’m getting an update.

Ah. I see. Well…that’s distressing. On the other hand, I haven’t seen Pam Bondi this excited since the last cross burning.

Speaking of Bondi, the Justice Department is trying to intervene in President Rapist’s latest attempt to get out from under the E. Jean Carroll verdict, so if anybody has Big Balls’ number, I think I’ve uncovered some government waste.

At this point, I think we have to assume Pete Hegseth is an Andy Kaufman-esque performance artist, trolling us for ever believing the never-ending right-wing freakout over Hillary Clinton’s goddamn email server contained a thimbleful of good faith. (Threatening high-ranking military officials with lie detector tests is all part of the bit.)

One could not help but notice the absence of Trey Gowdy’s voice, trembling with indignation, when news of Signalgate first broke. Or when we learned of that second Signal chat, the one including Pete’s wife, brother, lawyer, personal trainer, jai alai coach, barbershop quartet, fantasy football league, cat, dog, parakeet, ferret, guinea pig, goldfish, and, oh yeah, EVERY FUCKING INTELLIGENCE AGENCY ON THE FUCKING PLANET.

No doubt Trey delivered a righteous jeremiad when he heard about that totally unsecured, eminently hackable private internet connection Pete set up in his office, to circumvent Pentagon security protocols. Surely. Given his established passion for information security. Google must be suppressing the results.

No one has done more for Christianity than Donald Trump, who brought time-honored, Christian rituals back to the White House Easter Egg Roll, like corporate sponsorship, and a shoving a collectible trading card depicting his own assassination attempt into various children’s faces, just like Jesus did, at Capernaum’s first Comic-Con.

The Nobel Committee unveiled a shiny new Peace Prize with a Special Focus on Elocution, when Donnie Two-Scoops managed to effortlessly parrot Putin’s demands, even the really hard words like Crimea. He’s so serious about peace, he even used their special safe word, you guys.

Looks like it’s just about time for a certain video game cheat to slink away with his botched penile implant tucked between his legs. Elon figured he’d wave a chainsaw around, starve a few hundred thousand African kids to death, and ride off into the sunset, to the applause of a grateful nation. Instead, Tesla profits are down 71%, in a shocking rejection of the once lauded “buy a car from the Nazi who stopped cancer research” ad campaign.

I see Kristi Noem can’t keep her own Gucci bag secure beneath a chair she’s actively sitting in, but don’t worry, the homeland is safe in her hands.

Ron Johnson wants hearings into a long-debunked 9/11 conspiracy theory he just heard about from one of the guys on his anti-vax bowling team, Pins and Absolutely No Needles. Even fellow Republicans want him to knock it off, but it’s firmly established that jet fuel can’t penetrate RoJo’s thick skull.

Once RFK Jr. completes work on his not-at-all-disquieting autism registry, he intends to turn his attention towards the nation’s fertility, lucky us. Yeah, Bobby Brainworm’s still got that bug up his ass about what he claims are dangerously low teenage sperm counts, and he’s gonna get those numbers up if he has to travel to every high school locker room in the country, and personally REDACTED every single REDACTED, by hand if necessary.

Let’s check in on the laboratories of kakistocracy real quick, shall we? I see eight Minnesota House Republicans have introduced a bill, drafted by a Florida hypnotist, criminalizing vaccination, while Des Moines Republicans have barred the press from an event where a pardoned Capitol rioter is slated to give a little TED talk, presumably on assaulting law enforcement.

Meanwhile, poor Sarah Slanders can’t get any disaster relief outta her old boss. Well, you knew he was a snake when you lied on his behalf for years, kiddo.

Though still unwilling to host a town hall, Nancy Mace has embarked upon a tour of her district, determined to individually insult each and every voter, face to face. Mental health crisis, or constituent services? You decide.

Sarah Palin’s lifelong quest to avoid working for a living hit yet another snag, when she re-lost her defamation suit against the New York Times. Once the very embodiment of hypnotically lurid wingnut extremism, Palin can no longer compete in the modern attention economy, alongside, say, Marjorie Taylor Greene’s giddy bleating over the death of the Pope.

Somebody needs to ask the Secret Service how, precisely, that homeless guy managed to penetrate the daily White House brie-oh, my bad, that’s just paid Kremlin stooge Tim Pool. I’m sure JD’ll deliver the customary dress code harangue once he’s done offin’ pontiffs.

Thanks to a presidential pardon, great American patriot Michele Fiore needn’t spend a single day in prison. Honestly, I think it’s kinda nuts that it’s a crime to spend money you raised for a statue honoring a slain police officer on personal cosmetic surgery. Doesn’t every schoolchild learn the tale of George Washington picking the troops’ pockets at Valley Forge while they slept, to pay for that nose job?

I see Ron DeSantis finds himself entangled in a charmingly old-fashioned political scandal. Corruptly channeling millions to your wife’s charity? Aw. That’s so…2015.

I know it feels grim out there, so it’s more important than ever to celebrate each and every time our would-be autocrat overlords get their asses handed to them in court. Just make sure you’re not driving, because it’s happening a LOT. On Voice of America, federal funding for sanctuary cities, union busting, on that bullshit elections EO, cutting funding to schools over DEI, the crackdown on foreign students, even the Alien Enemies Act. Losing in court is what Donald Trump does, y’all.

Because he’s a loser.

Ok. I am pleased to announce that the top 220 donors to my beer fund (now accepting Cash App, PayPal and Venmo!) will receive exemptions from any and all tariffs I may’ve drunkenly imposed. Bribe away, you guys!

(As always, follow @john_luzar, and/or sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com! And stay safe out there!)