Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
So the day started with the whole “Paul Manafort was a paid foreign agent collecting millions of dollars annually to work on Putin’s behalf and by the way he may have embezzled a few mil from an oligarch there at end” story, and he was the Shart’s campaign manager and that is close to as big a story as I have seen in my life, truly. I really don’t think one single moment of the Obama years even approached “President’s campaign was managed by an agent acting on Putin’s behalf,” but correct me if I’m wrong.
We took a quick detour into The Wall Street Freaking Journal Editorial Board, who I assume are such shadowy figures as to be literally talking silhouettes, taking a shockingly large dump right in the middle of the president’s breakfast cereal, calling him out for his serial lying and likening him to, I shit you not, an out-of-control alcoholic.
So we had a little laugh, and then another when a new approval rating poll got published, showing Dorito Mussolini is starting to lose support even among his White Male Mouth Breathing Base, and then settled in for an afternoon of increasingly futile whipping for the Mass Murder of the American Poor Act…excuse me, the AHCA.
The Freedom Caucus threw up their middle fingers, said “We ain’t afraid of no 37% approval rating punk ass bitch, and we ain’t voting for your bill because it doesn’t kill the takers fast enough or hard enough for us, so eat our poo!” which in turn led to a number of centrists coming out with slightly more polite “no thank you” statements, and it looked like the AHCA would die a deserved and oh-so-sweetly-embarrassing death. Oh, and Paul Ryan had a bunch of protesters in wheelchairs arrested, GOOD LOOK, BRO.
And then Devin Pigfucking Nunes stumbled across what really seems to be routine intelligence collection that he misinterpreted as something sinister, and WITHOUT CONTACTING THE DEMOCRATS on the House Intelligence Committee which he chairs, called the press to throw a smoke bomb and scream “maybe SCROTUS was right and Obama DID tell the microwaves in Trump Tower to report back to him and shit,” even though he had to admit that he didn’t have proof and that nothing looked illegal at all and he seems to have talked about FISA warrants which is illegal in no small way and then as if that wasn’t enough he WENT STRAIGHT TO THE WHITE HOUSE TO TELL THE PRESIDENT WHAT THE COMMITTEE INVESTIGATING HIM HAD LEARNED, which is the single most openly corrupt act in the history of congressional oversight, and did we mention that Nunes was on his transition team and is clearly using his position as the head of the investigating panel to protect the subjects of the investigation and that’s insane and he STILL HASN’T SHOWN THE DOCUMENTS HE SAW TO THE DEMOCRATS ON THE PANEL WHAT THE FUCK.
And so now, the Nunes story is so much bigger than the Manafort story that the Manafort story is like a filet mignon slider and the Nunes story is the porterhouse where if you eat it you get your name on a plaque in the steakhouse lobby which is insane because this morning the Manafort story looked like a porterhouse sandwich where instead of bread you have two more porterhouses so seriously what the fuck is going on here? People all over the place are calling for Nunes to step down and of course he needs to but who knows what the rules are anymore?
Meanwhile, in an effort to placate the feces-flinging toddlers in the Freedom Caucus, apparently Paul Ryan is promising changes to AHCA that would almost certainly run afoul of the rules of the reconciliation process and god knows the people in charge have no respect for any rules whatsoever so god knows what happens on that front. And just at that moment the Koch brothers said “Hey muthafuckas, if you wanna vote against that AHCA bill we hate so much, you can have ALL THE MONEY for your reelection in 2018,” which frankly I think some democrats should take them up on.
AND THEN JUST WHEN YOU WERE LOSING YOUR MIND AT HOW BATGUANO NUCKING FUTZ THIS DAY HAS BEEN…you get that little CNN push notification saying the FBI is investigating whether people associated with the Shart campaign ACTIVELY COLLUDED WITH RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE AGENTS and that they’ve got evidence that leads them to think “Yuh huh it looks like they did,” which is what New Liberal Superbadazz Adam Schiff kind of alluded to earlier in the day and that is the BALLGAME if they end up with the goods. THE BALLGAME. And meanwhile in the background the guy the FBI is looking at for being installed by Russian intelligence has appointed a Justice to the Supreme Goddamn Court of the United Goddamn States and that doesn’t seem right, does it?
And even John McCain is like “Fuck it, we clearly can’t be trusted to handle this shit in congress, fucking call Batman or something I am too old for this shit.”
And that, my friends, is why this is the most insane day in American politics that I have ever witnessed. Holy shit y’all.
ADDENDUM: BUT THE REAL STORY IS THE LEAKS, RIGHT?”