So, I have an imaginary friend now. I call her Quarantina and we talk all day and I’m jealous because she lives in a swing state so her vote would count if she were real and no I don’t think my mental health has been affected by weeks of isolation but the news sure isn’t helping…as you will soon see:

Congrats to Celebrity Drunk Driver Stephanie Grisham, who managed to run out her entire tenure as Shart House press secretary without ever once holding a press briefing, i.e. doing her fucking job. Y’know, as long as you don’t draw attention to yourself with taxpayer-funded lotion runs and soundproof wank booths, the Trump Administration offers virtually limitless opportunities to the enterprising young grifter.

Grisham’s replacement is the odious Kayleigh McEnany, recently seen snarling the mendacious party line on Fux Biznuss, triumphantly celebrating her Turd Emperor’s successful repulsion of the coronavirus, in contrast to that “awful” Obama. Heh. Kayleigh may’ve been a wee bit premature in her victory lap. It’s nice of these dolts to bring in their newest spokesgoon with her credibility pre-shredded…saves time.

In addition to losing his job as Acting Secretary of the Navy, Thomas Modly’s forthcoming book, “How to Read the Fucking Room” has been cancelled by the publisher, following his decision to not only remove Captain Brett Crozier from command for trying to protect his crew from a coronavirus outbreak, but to taunt said crew in the aftermath, yukking it up about how “stupid” Crozier was for trying to save all their worthless, insignificant, lives. Side note: raise your hand if you were surprised to see one of these malicious idiots actually get fired when they deserved to for a change.

With the Wisconsin GOP teaming up with Roberts Court to repurpose COVID-19 as the ultimate voter suppression tool, the battle over the right to vote safely, by mail, during a pandemic is on. While it is, of course, common fucking sense to utilize a system that’s already been tested and proven to be safe and secure, when your “party” is a white supremacist hate cult representing an ever-shrinking minority and reliant on every dirty trick in the book to cling to power, the will of the people is the last thing you want heard.

Needless to say, no one is more terrified of the voting public than Government Cheese Goebbels himself, feebly belching up old lies about voter fraud (disbanded KKKobach KKKommision, anyone?). I have to admit, the “voting by mail is the worst of all possible things why yes I myself voted by mail” bit was a perfect Shitty Orwell Theatre moment, and truly, there cannot be a single non-moron anywhere on Earth who believes one word that dribbles out of this addled old turdlump’s mouth by now.

The Candycorn Skidmark might not have anything resembling a plan to beat COVID-19 or rescue the faltering economy, but give credit where it’s due: he has scapegoats and backup scapegoats and even backup backup scapegoats. Obviously China tops the list, and Barack Obama remains an old, comfortable favorite, the fried-chicken-and-mashed-potatoes of passing the buck. But don’t sleep on the World Health Organization, which he’s now threatening to defund, yes during a global outbreak, I guess because he’s worried America has too many allies.

And with his novel “what, you don’t think it’s the federal government’s job to actually DO anything during a pandemic, do ya?” approach to leadership, Weehands McNodick has fifty separate state governors to dump blame upon, and considering the body count he’s racking up with his malicious incompetence, he’ll need each and every one.

Jerry Falwell Jr. took responsibility for his reckless decision to reopen Liberty University in the middle of the coronavirus outbreak (which led to a number of students getting sick, because FUCKING OF COURSE IT DID), in an act of Christlike penitence, JUST KIDDING he’s pressing charges against the reporters who brought the world’s attention to his poo-brained carelessness. I’m not sure which part of this Jesus would love more, the idiotic endangering of folks’ lives, or the fascistic attack on the free press?

So, the Treasonweasel Administration actually had to be talked out of withdrawing federal support for coronavirus testing sites. You’re probably screaming at your screen right now, “But Cap, that’s like needing to be told to wear a coat before stepping outside for a smoke…in Antarctica!” Yes. Yes it is. And that is how dumb our current government officials are. Honestly, it’s a fucking miracle they’re not launching missile strikes at hospitals.

Now, the Pusillanimous Pussy-Grabber thought he’d figured this whole “deadly global outbreak” thing out; it wasn’t a tragic calamity that would cost tens of thousands of lives, it was a gift from whatever loathsome fecal gods sent him in the first place, a never-ending fountain of unearned media, an excuse to commandeer the prime time airwaves for his campaign, and heck, conveniently cutting in on his rival’s televised appearances was just gravy.

But the networks got wise to scheme, and also perhaps felt a pang of conscience over spreading the Marmalade Shartcannon’s self-aggrandizing misinformation, which is getting people killed, and thus many have stopped carrying the Daily Propaganda Spew live, opting instead to air lowlights and fact checks afterwards. And so Mike Pants, shitty little fascist weasel that he is, blocked top government health officials from appearing on CNN, in a thuggish attempt to blackmail them into once again broadcasting every lie and grievance. CNN told the Vice President precisely where he could stick his threat, and Mikey Hairshirt whined, “Only mother is allowed to do that,” and relented, good for CNN.

Well, the Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus understands they’re facing an uphill battle, asking Americans to vote for the negligent idiot sociopath who got tens of thousands of them killed and took a fat, sloppy, dump right in the middle of the economy, so they’ve decided to dance with what brung ‘em: naked, unapologetic, racism! But roving Hispanic gangs and terrorist Muslim infiltrators are SO 2016; the new boogeyman for a new election season is…the Chinese!

And therefore, their sad, filthy, plan is to define Smilin’ Joe Biden early as…someone who has been nice to Chinese people, the bastard! Just to sprinkle a little extra bigotry on their morning bowl of hate flakes, these rageclowns even included footage of Biden alongside former Washington Governor Gary Locke, who is Chinese-American, but I suppose when your goal is stoking racist hate, with maybe a little stochastic terrorism thrown in for flavor, such details seem insignificant.

Redactor General Billy Barr has faded into the background somewhat in recent weeks, but don’t worry, he’s still committed to hollowing out the federal government from within on behalf of his farthuffing fascist boss, parroting old lies about the roots of the Russia investigation, and celebrating the recent purge of the intelligence community inspector general, with his stupid “adherence to the rule of law” and “love of country” and whatnot. I hope Biden’s AG doesn’t, y’know, despise the United States like this current guy.

Smarter folks than I pointed out that the extreme social distancing measures necessary to contain the coronavirus should, if they worked, look in hindsight like overreaction. And then even smarter folks pointed out that Republicans would loudly bray that we had overreacted, and that the real victims weren’t the human beings buried in mass graves, but the diminished bank accounts of the GOP donor class.

And yuuuuuuup that’s right where we are, folks. 18,000+ deaths on the books, with tens of thousands yet to come, and the Hannitys and Ingrahams and their dirtbag paymasters are already popping every vein in their foreheads in their impatience to “reopen the economy” (while they themselves continue to isolate in their multi-million dollar homes, of course).

Yes, the demonic yapping heads in the right-wing jagosphere have deployed all kindsa nasty little talking points in their quest to shove the serf class back out into the workplace, like so many canaries in a disease-ridden coal mine. “Hell,” oozed Bill O’Reilly, “It’s mostly just the olds dying anyway! THINK OF THE MONEY WE’LL SAVE ON SOCIAL SECURITY PAYMENTS!” Another hawt take is that we’re over-counting coronavirus deaths (in fact, the opposite is likely true), and that it shouldn’t “count” if the victims had any other conditions, because surely that nurse with asthma only died to make Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot look bad. REOPEN THE PUBLIC SNOT WRESTlNG PITS ALREADY!

And Ron DeSantis, forever seeking to out-stupid the Ron DeSantis of the preceding day*, figured if he lied and said that nobody under 25 had died from COVID-19, no one in Florida would fact-check his bullshit, and he could reopen the schools. Not exactly Moriarty is our Ron-Ron.

Look, I know these are worrying times, but we can rest easy knowing we’re in good (if tiny and inadequate) hands. Why, just today, the Sunny D-Bag demonstrated his keen, incisive, scientific mind, explaining to the overwhelmed laymen of the assembled White House press corp that the wily virus had adapted beyond antibiotics’ ability to combat it. That antibiotics are totally useless in fighting viruses is WHY DON’T YOU SHUT UP, NERD?!?! (Shuffles away, muttering something about “fake news”)

But hey, I say we should focus on the good news for a minute, like when Ralph Northam signed five shiny new gun control bills into law, and even had the good sense to resist moonwalking afterwards. I think I may survive this whole damn quarantine just on the NRA’s tears, honestly.

Ok, that should be enough madness to tide you over through the weekend. If not…what the fuck is wrong with you? Stay safe out there Resisters…see y’all soon.

*No easy task, that.