- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Cap’s Back! Did I Miss Anything? Is Shit Still Cray? Do You Have the Coronavirus Yet?
Well, as y’all know, I had to step away from the ol’ blog for a few days, due to personal life concerns that swung from the life-changingly awesome to the heartbreakingly tragic. I’m back now, and as expected, my metaphorical desk is all but invisible beneath a ten-ton pile of rhinoceros shit, so grab a shovel and help me dig it out, wouldja?
So I guess the Shart House has been workin’ up a “deep state hit list,” of the insufficiently bow-y and scrape-y, led by absolutely batshit right-wing activist Ginni Thomas, seeking to replace competent, experienced, career officials with spittle-drenched maniacs like David Clarke and Dan Bongino. I suppose ideally, you’d like both ability and loyalty, but when your movement is based on white resentment and know-nothingism, I imagine the resumes get a little thin, which is why they’re now staffing the executive branch with college kids.
Ah, and I see the Emperor of Herpes has demanded that Sonia Sotomayor and Ruth Bader Ginsburg recuse themselves from any SCOTUS cases involving his many autocratic assaults on the rule of law, because once upon a time, they were mean to him. Heh. Well, as my Daddy would say, “demand in one hand, shit in the other, see which one fills up faster.”
The big news, of course, has been the coronavirus, as the country has been forced to come to terms with the fact that President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster is infinitely less concerned about the mounting body count than with his precious, Rasmussen-inflated, approval ratings. Even last week’s massive stock market plunge is not processed as billions in wealth wiped out, or jobs lost, or retirements ruined, but as part of a vast global conspiracy to deny him the love he’s been desperately seeking since his father sent him to military school.
I confess, my money had been on Surprise Canadian Invasion, but I really should have considered the possibility of Narcissism Trumping Science, Readiness, and Basic Goddamn Common Sense During Global Pandemic as the great and inevitable Dotard fuckup that threatens all American lives.
We are well beyond the looking glass now, folks. We’ve motored past the nice parts of Shitty Wonderland, and we’re stumbling around the slums populated by the demonic hallucinations from Every Bad Trip Since Woodstock. We’re talking about the dipshits that’ve already tried to slash the funding and purge the expertise necessary to combat this threat, who’re now muzzling the remaining experts simply to placate the Manchurian Manchild’s frail ego. And it’s going to get people killed, as surely as if you’d wandered around medieval Europe littering the ground with rat treats.
The presidential fuckin’ pulpit, used to trumpet the message that a potentially deadly disease sweeping across the globe is a “hoax?” That the news media, in reporting critical information to the public, is somehow exaggerating the facts to harm him politically? Fuck, y’all, this isn’t just impeachment territory, it’s tackle-the-senile-old-fuck-and-lock-him-a-closet time. This isn’t lying about crowd size, folks, it’s much more dangerous.
I also see the Die Plebs Die Administration is trying to divert funding from programs that heat low-income Americans’ homes during winter to pay for the response to the very outbreak they’re assisting with denials and disinformation, and even resisting calls to make the eventual vaccine affordable. Folks, if we don’t beat these rat bastards this November, we’ll be battling gladiator-style in the arena for aspirin and cough syrup by 2023.
Yes, it turns out that a well-known sociopath makes for a less-than-ideal steward during a time of crisis, who’d have guessed? And, like, I understand that the GOP has devolved into a frothy cult of personality, and its elected officials live in perpetual trembling fear of being targeted by a nasty tweet (why anyone would want to be represented by such cowards escapes me, but that’s a topic for another day), but surely these clowns understand on some level that you can’t sweep a communicable fucking disease under the rug. You can muddy the waters with disinformation about Russian interference or the Ukraine scandal, but you can’t gaslight a person into believing they don’t have a disease once they catch it. Ok, maybe with a handful of Cult45ers you could, but until shitty red ball caps can cure this thing, you have to deal with the real world.
And friends, if I’m one of the poor bastards who winds up dying because this asshat believes he can lie his way out of global contagion, I am haunting the absolute shit out of him. I’m gonna be a goddamn poltergeist. If this blog suddenly disappears without warning, and you start seeing stories about Hairplug Himmler getting pelted with cat turds seemingly flung by an unseen hand, know that I am living my best afterlife.
Vice President Mike Pants, one of the rare American politicians to literally preside over an outbreak exacerbated by his own incompetence and hostility to basic science, has been appointed to head up the coronavirus response, because fucking of course he has. It’s like gutting your fire department, and, in the midst of a raging conflagration, looking to Mrs. O’Leary’s cow for guidance.
Mikey Hairshirt is taking his duties so seriously that he went on the Sunday Shoz to claim that Democrats are rooting for the virus to kill millions of Americans, because god knows stirring up division and hatred is more important than solving a problem worsened by your own blithering incompetence. Anyway, we should probably cancel that “Go Coronavirus Go” routine we worked out with the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, just to be on the safe side.
If I were looking to invent something truly absurd about the Marmalade Shartcannon’s actions during the coronavirus crisis, I probably couldn’t do any better than “rather than coordinating the emergency response, the President of the United States met with d-list actors Dean Cain and Kristy Swanson to snicker about their trolly little wingnut stage play about Peter Strzok and Lisa Page,” and I must grudgingly admit I have been out-satired by reality yet again.
Anyway, I’m prouder than ever to be a Democrat, now that PROTECTING THE POPULACE FROM CONTAGIOUS DISEASES is apparently partisan. And I hope you’ll call your Congressfolk to pressure them to support my bill, which would mandate that the 52 craven Republican Enablers/Senators who kept this cud-brained psychopath in office in spite of the mountain of evidence of his unconstitutional crimes be sent to serve as nursing assistants in hospitals treating coronavirus patients.
Speaking of health issues, we learned that Dr. Ronny Jackson took time out of his busy schedule as an opioid Pez dispenser to sneak vegetables into his hamberder-gorging boss’ mashed potatoes, in an attempt to deceive him into eating healthier. Sources tell me carrots cut up into super-fun dinosaur shapes were also attempted, only to be rejected with a swat of those tiny, inadequate, hands.
The Treasonweasel Campaign announced a lawsuit against the New York Times, alleging libel, over an op-ed published in March, 2019. Terrifying play for anti-American authoritarianism, destined for humiliating failure in the courts? The Trump brand is, if nothing else, consistent, I’ll give them that.
There’s certainly been a lotta winnowing in the Democratic presidential primary since we last spoke, though I see Tulsi Gabbard is still hanging around, like a rash you probably shoulda gotten looked at by now. Just on a personal note, I’d like to thank Tom Steyer’s majestical whiteguy dancing to Back That Azz Up during a rally in South Carolina for providing literally the only smile I could muster on one of my life’s shittiest days.
And in Afghanistan, the Shart of the Deal demonstrated the keen negotiating prowess he is famous for, deftly conceding to every demand the Taliban had ever dreamed of, throwing in a waffle iron and year’s subscription to Better Homes and Gardens for good measure, in exchange for…fuck, I can’t even tell, presumably a series of ego-stroking personal compliments and a locally-crafted map of the 2016 Electoral College results, using traditional Pashtun techniques and materials. Naturally, the agreement is already in jeopardy, but Weehands McNodick is now an early frontrunner for the Nobel Capitulation Prize, which is exciting.
A federal judge ruled that Snarling Haterodent Ken Cuccinelli illegally immigrated to his post as acting U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services director, and therefore all policies he’s implemented are null and void, in addition to being shitty and racist, which we already knew. While it is always delightful to watch bad things happen to people as terrible as The KKKooch, let me propose that he has yet to get anything resembling what he actually deserves, and would not unless he were to, say, accidentally trap himself in a long-forgotten septic tank.
(I see now that Kenny is refusing to obey the court and vacate his post, which is…awfully fascist of him, and if anybody can actually make that septic tank thing happen, now’s the time.)
In maybe the weirdest coincidence in all of human history, the long-ago debunked overflowing-bucket-of-horseshit Hunter Biden/Burisma conspiracy theory, which had vanished from headlines the world o’er, made a stunning return following Joe Biden’s comeback victory in the South Carolina primary. I mean, what’re the odds, right? Anyway, I’m a cat guy at heart, but if I ever got a dog, I’d hope it could one day become as well-trained as Senator Ron Johnson.
Well, the All-New, Drunken-Preppy-Infused, Supreme Court will be hearing the latest ridiculous challenge to the Affordable Care Act, and while it would be incredibly cool to live in a world where we could all rest easy in the knowledge that such a patently absurd, obviously bad-faith, nutjob “lawsuit” would be laughed out of court by a sensible, honest, bipartisan, bench, we are instead trapped here in an apocalyptic hellscape where shameless partisan hacks like Brett Kavanaugh and Neil Gorsuch get to decide whether or not the members of the serf class really count as fully human and therefore deserving of rights n’ life n’ health n’ shit. Can’t say I’m a fan.
Tonight’s post is, obviously, dedicated to my dearly-departed feline secretary, my small grey friend, Kitty. Over the years, she disrupted many a blog, in search of lap time and head scratches, but writing this first one without her just wasn’t the same. Thank you all for bearing with me during this difficult time. I haven’t yet had time to read all the messages of love and support y’all sent, but I’m totally bowled over by your kindness. Again, thank you.
Anyway, I’m quite certain I’ve missed a number of stories, great and small, but let’s just wink and pretend we’re more or less caught up now, and get back on schedule going forward. Thank you for your patience.
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Oh, my best and most longed (picture an accent grav over the ‘e’ in “longed”) for Fairywiseguy, email me because I had trouble chucking some shekels your way. I owe you.
(D-NC) Cal Cunningham’s up 5 points of A+ rated per NRA Thom Tillis Re: Senate!
Sorry to hear about yr feline friend. That hurts…
Dear Cap, your small but powerful assistant still purrs in your heart. Our four-legged friends are one of the best joys of life, aren’t they? Raising a wee dram of Orkney whisky to you and your Kitty. Please be kind to yourself.
So good to have you back, but so very sorry to hear about your sweet girl crossing the rainbow bridge. Peace to your heart for your sad loss. It breaks me every time I lose one but when I feel better I make a great life for another little fur person and I know I have their blessing.
Kind thoughts to you at this difficult time.
Sorry about your loss of Kitty.
Hopefully she passed over in her sleep and not while you were holding her for the last time as the vet injected the overdose – the latter rips out a much bigger piece of your soul. I’ve recently discovered that if we look back at all the good parts of life, things that nobody can take from us, instead of grieving over an unknown future, it’s a little easier. And if you haven’t already done it, have a good cry and try to appreciate how fortunate you both were to have each other.
We love our furry babies…I know how much it hurts…your Kitty is up there with all my boys…romping over that rainbow bridge?
tough to say “so long” to unconditional love:(
much love
So sorry to hear about Kitty. They always take a piece of us when they go.
As a fellow cat lover, I feel ya. I still miss our big tomcat and he passed away 25 years ago. Peace.
When I was a young high school teacher, my darling kitty had a particularly awful demise involving a botched euthanasia (who knew?). I was so devastated I called in sick the next day. The principal refused to give me the sick day (“Whyn’cha just come in and do a little work? It’ll make you feel better”). Thirty-two years later, I still don’t feel better.
Point is, my heart goes out to you as you grieve your darling kitty, and don’t let any heartless pricks try to minimise your grieving process.
So sad that you lost Miss Kitty. These things always seem to come on quickly, before you’ve really had time to ready yourself.
I lost one in September. Her name was Kitty too! She was a calico and had the prettiest face I’ve ever seen on a cat. She was 19 and had kidney disease, which suddenly took a turn for the worse. Her retina detached and she went blind. She was already deaf and had only one eye left, broken jaw (all from a dog attack) and sore teeth that couldn’t be fixed because of her age and condition. I had to make THE DECISION. ? Since i wanted to save another little life, i went out the next day and got a new kitty. I realize now that I should have waited a little while. I miss Kitty’s funny ways… like how she would tap me with her paw (left-handed!) when she wanted treats… or how she would lick all the condensation off my drink bottle…or how she used to use her mountain lion voice whenever the BIG cat came near her ?. But i already love the new cat too, who is so tiny, only 5 pounds. I named her Trixie, but my son calls her Tiny Magee. She likes to sit up like a little human and watch TV. So cute. And when I’m sleeping she’ll come tearing up my bed and violently rub her little face all over mine and then bite the tip of my nose ?. She’s adorable.
Take time to remember your girl. Maybe make a little scrapbook about her, with pictures and memories and stories about her little quirks. ?
Maybe someday you’ll be ready to open your heart to a new little fur person. ?
Sorry about the lose of your cat. Also thank you for keeping me sane in an insane world.
Your girl died knowing she was loved and always safest in your arms. No cat could ask for more.
So if cat turds start flying around the Deranged Orange during one of his public brag-fests, I’ll know who is throwing and who is providing! Your loyal office assistant won’t let you down: “Here, Cap, have another. Now, aren’t you glad you fed me all that expensive chow?”
So sad to here about kitty. Our cat Roxy sends her love and purrrrrrrrrsssssssss your way Cap. So hard to lose a fur child. Much love and thanks for all you do my friend.
My heart goes out to you as you mourn your sweet Kitty. It’s always so hard to lose a fur baby. ?
May you find peace and comfort from the loving support of all your friends and fans. ?
Welcome back Cap. Sorry about your friend. It’s always hard. I can’t help but feel sometimes they would take better care of us than we take care of them. She would want you to think of her often with happy thoughts and laughter at her antics. I’ll think of my old friends tonight.
I’m so sorry to hear about your sweet kitty. I lost my precious dog back in July of last year and I’m still not over it. Losing an animal companion is one of the worst things in the world. Peace to you, my friend.
Welcome back, Cap So very sorry for your loss of your furbaby. We know how hard it is to go through. ((((((((((()))))))). Kitty was beautiful and lucky to have you. Love and hugs, and happy memories of your sweet baby.
A warm welcome back, Cap. So sorry for you’re loss. Am sending hugs and kind wishes to you.
Anytime a close feline friends goes to the Happy Hunting Grounds without us, is terrible. I am old enough that 4 cats a d five dogs will be meowing and barking at me, and I will be swamped providing treats. I am saddened by your loss of clerical support, but you “did good”.
I too want to console you some. I am a life long cat person (all animals good, cats the best!). Almost all of mine find me more than I find them. Just got a 5 month old a couple of weeks ago that was dropped of where we work. I know there really isn’t much any of us can do for you with this but please note that I, like many, appreciate what you do and are saddened that you had to go through this. As a side note, I am so glad you got this blog together as many years ago now my favorite site was “the daily dirt” by your old pal “jerky”. Truly great stuff, big shoes to fill. Keep on my friend, you are doing a great job! Good luck with your new comic book career!
Y’all are very kind. I can’t express how much your support has meant during this difficult (shitty) time. Thank you.
So sorry to hear of your kitty passing away. ? I want to thank you for helping all of us to survive this shit show with some humor.
Deep sympathy to you and thank you for still showing up
It’s going to be a long, objectively crappy few months and none of us can imagine doing it without you
Or beer
I came too late to do that kickstart thing. Can I still somehow get included. I’m very sorry about your suffering and your cats passing. When we open our arms to another life we absorb it all. The good and the bad. The love is what it was all about. The great circle that your arms created. Protecting that life and encircling to protect and feed and love and share. Such a beautiful thing. You let us see your secret self. The self that loves and has empathy. Your satire is also a giveaway. You can’t create such word pictures without feeling the pain of what these horrible people are doing to us lessors. Thanks again. Hope some of these comments made you tear up and smile also. Crying is good. My nephew once asked me what my goal in life was? I told him my goal was to make him cry at my funeral.
I am sorry for your loss. It is often more difficult to lose our fur people than,…well…you know.
My condolences to you in the loss of your sweet kitty. It is amazing how much love those furry little packages give us, even after they are gone from our sight. ((hugs))
Dear Cap, I’m so sorry about Kitty. I had to let my dog, Dingus, go 2 years ago. There is such a hole in my life! I grieve for him more than I did for my dad, but that’s because he was a huge presence in my Every Day. This will come up and slap you at the weirdest times, but especially when you are doing something she was always a part of. Practice giving yourself some of that loving care that you lavished on her.
So sorry to hear about the loss of your sweet little baby girl kitty. Just remember the mutual love and affection you both gave each other and smile when you think of her.
Hugs to you from another cat person!
Sincere condolences to you, dear Courageous Captain of Resistance…I applaud your return, undoubtedly spurred by your obvious sense of duty to this most essential effort to refute Trump’s relentless attacks on Truth and our Democracy. Yours Sir, is a much-needed voice, ever-leading the call to, “DENY THE DEMONIC DOTARD’S DISHONESTY!” I know how difficult it is to come to terms with Loss, so I appreciate your determination to return as quickly as you have. In my humble opinion, the loss of any source of mutual Love is not only grievous, but also to some degree, Life-altering. For some, the degree of that alteration is barely perceptible, while for others, the resulting changes can rightly be labeled as extensive, perhaps even monumental. The only certainty there can be, is that change is as inevitable, as it is universal. For you Cap, I hope that when such changes do occur, they are for you, both beneficial, and very much to your liking. Take care, and above all else…PLEASE, keep providing that much-needed voice of SANITY and TRUTH, leading us all, in the most essential “GOOD FIGHT” that any of us will ever know.
I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Kitty. It is such a difficult time, and I hope you are surrounded by people who care about you. Nothing really helps with the pain, but after a while that will begin to be overtaken by all of the good memories.
Oh, Cappy, we all love you so much and when you hurt, we hurt for you as well. Your sweet girl had a wonderful life with you with much love going both ways. That will never be taken from you. Take good care, my friend. Thanks for all the cussin’. Sometimes words just fail me! Glad to see you’re there to pick up the slack.
As a fellow animal lover and lifelong cat rescuer, my heart goes out to you upon Miss Kitty’s crossing. I’ve experienced this many times. Each time, I welcome another fur baby as soon as I’m ready. It’s part of the eternal circle – know and give unconditional love despite the inevitable end, then know and give it again . . . I believe our 4-legged friends would want that if they could speak. This site helped me tremendously after Red’s protracted illness (kidney disease): rainbowsbridge.com. It’s pure love throughout. Grieving is paramount, and I was able to do that in various ways at my own pace in an empathetic environment. I’ve read all your missives and eagerly await new ones. You truly deserve the title ‘Word Wizard’ for all the laugh-out-loud moments and spot-on perspectives you deliver with astonishing regularity. We need you to make sense of the senseless. {{{{{hugs}}}}}
I’m so sorry about your beloved Kitty! That was the name of my childhood cat. Death of a cherished pet is so painful.
Hey dude,
I just wanted to let you know I’ve been reading for a while and lurking among the bushes (me and Spice-baby). I am finally catching up on my reading of your wonderful sarcasm and keen observatory skills (I hear you even look at the sky once and again).
My main reason for writing is to express my deep sympathy for the loss of your hard-working assistant. It’s never easy to lose a beautiful friend.
Keep up the good work and I hope your c-book works wonders on the world and maybe make some dough-heads think (fat chance of that).
Anyhooo – Pax