I’ll try to make this quick since I know you’re reading this in line between showings of the Melania movie.

Stephen Miller was so excited, he treated himself to an extra vole. After all the years of creeping authoritarianism, it was time at last to lunge. A small army of Glad Lads n’ Oath Loaders roamed the streets of Minneapolis in masks, picking fights the way only a paramilitary gang promised total immunity can.

“If you raise your voice, I will erase your voice,” proffered one of the warrior poets of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement. Seems like we may’ve wandered a bit from the path of “Give me liberty or give me death,” but don’t ask me, I’m just a frog sitting in a pot of room-temperature wate-HEY WAIT A MINUTE!  

The Reich, comprised as it is of the dumbest of all possible motherfuckers, truly believed their siege turned the whole dang news cycle into one long, super effective infomercial for their planned police state.

“Once the public has learned to tremble at Antifa’s fearsome war cry (‘I’m not mad at you,’  shudder), they’ll beg for ICE garrisons in every hometown!”

But a funny thing happened on the way to the Reichstag fire. Far from being greeted as liberators, the likes of Trump, Miller, and Noem found themselves immortalized in song as tyrants by no less a laureate than Bruce Springsteen.

Yeah, it took America fifty or sixty stanzas, but we got there. “Okay, so I said nothing about the Kurds or the Haitians or the Somalis or the Ukrainians, but when they came for the ICU nurses, I had to admit certain patterns had grown difficult to ignore.”

Polling got so bad so fast that Greggie Bovino was deemed the Littlest Scapegoat and sent to a farm upstate, where he’ll have plenty of room to march around in his coat.

Attempts to demonize one victim caused President Dotard to casually betray core gun nut dogma, but the Cold Dead Handz crowd could barely muster a handful of scattered, disapproving yaps, because the right to lick a rapist game show host’s boots till they shine like glass SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED.

Hard to understand where it all went wrong, but somehow, between tear-gassing little kids and using them as bait plus abusing and detaining countless legal immigrants and even citizens to say nothing of gunning peaceful protesters down in the street and slandering them as terrorists, ICE wound up the boogeyman even in Republicans’ own fundraising emails. 

Soon the halls of DHS were painted with the flung fecal matter of kakisto-fascism’s assorted bickering factions. Kristi Noem was just following orders, you see, and mostly from stylists. When Tom Homan emerges as the least of available evils, you’re not exactly in the running for the cover of Healthy Democracies Monthly. (I’m told the upcoming Mark Carney centerfold is borderline filthy, however.)

Time to bring the temperature down a bit. Listen to the people. Deescalate.

…or I suppose arresting a bunch of journalists and storming the Ecuadorian consulate is another option, sure.

As usual, they had to elbow past numerous career DOJ prosecutors to find somebody ethically challenged enough to pursue the Don Lemon “case,” presumably Lindsey Halligan with a fake mustache and monocle.

Incidentally, just because Tulsi Gabbard doesn’t officially work with the FBI doesn’t mean she can’t tag along on their shady raid of that elections center in Fulton County, Georgia. Under weaponized law enforcement, stooges are fungible, you see.

Gotta rewrite history just how the dying megalomaniac wants it before he orders the entire hemisphere embalmed and entombed to serve him in the afterlife.

Flustered in his Greenlandic fantasies, he’s taking a flaccid swipe at…wait, this can’t be right…partnering with Albertan separatists? Another foreign policy gambit that reads like a rejected Team America: World Police sequel. I have no idea what Albertan separatists have to be mad about, but I bet it’s dumb.

He’s also trying to sneak ten billion taxpayer dollars out the front door via a lawsuit targeting the I.R.S. and the Treasury Department, while Secretary Bessent pimps “Trump Accounts” as an alternative to holiday gift-giving, because even two dolls is capitalist decadence when you think about it. 

While forgetting the word for Alzheimer’s doesn’t technically constitute failing a cognitive test, maybe the White House press corps should start showing up prepared with a few flash cards with drawings of barnyard animals.

Because Albertan separatists? Fuck you. 

I see some specimen of MAGA masculinity calling itself Anthony James Kazmierczak decided to douse Ilhan Omar with a syringeful of salad dressing, which’ll impress everybody in prison a whole bunch, I bet.

We have enough for a calendar by now, surely. The hammer guy and the nail gun guy and Kyle Rittenhouse, blubbering coquettishly on a witness stand. Get some of that Botox bubblin’ down at Mar-a-Lago.

No, I don’t think the twerp who punched Maxwell Frost deserves a slot. It’s a competitive field, and if you can’t even pull off the most memorable assault on a sitting U.S. Representative in a given week, y’know, leave a headshot, and we’ll get back to you when we’re ready to make the leap to page-a-day.

Where so many see a constitutional crisis, Nicki Minaj sees a branding opportunity, reinventing herself as the Official Rapper of Shooting Moms, Making Groceries More Expensive, and Threatening Wars of Aggression with Denmark. She’ll have her pick of dates at the Kennedy Center anyway.

Enjoy your new friends, Nicki! They think you’re the WAP girl, but definitely not because you all look alike to them!

You can learn all about them in this latest wave of Epstein files. Couple stories in there you might want to brush up on before holding hands, actually.

In conclusion, I do not like ascendant American fascism. I do not like it, Sam-I-Ashism.

Okay. Well, I’m off to seek what solace the local beer dispensary can offer. I sure won’t be mad at anybody who drops a buck or two in the tip jar via Venmo, PayPal, or even Cash App.

Hey, IF YOU BACKED THE LATEST COMIC BOOK KICKSTARTER, your DIGITAL COPIES are now available! Check the latest updates! I’m juuuuuuust about to close late pledges, because GENERAL WASHINGTON AND THE LIBERTY TREE #2 is on its way!

As always, sign up on the email list and follow @john_luzar. I’m thinking of upgrading my traditional “stay safe out there” signoff to something like “don’t get killed by fascists.” We’ll workshop it.