Colorado

Colorado

The Good Guy

John Hickenlooper

John Hickenlooper looks like a character actor from old Howard Hawks westerns, and that’s not even the best reason to vote for him. He was a successful entrepreneur when he started down the path that would take him from activism to politics; before long he found himself elected Mayor of Denver, and he’s been serving Colorado ever since.

Hick was a popular two-term mayor, and then a popular two-term governor, winning his elections comfortably, because he got shit done. He helped bring light rail to Denver. He got Medicaid expanded under the ACA. He listens to the people, even when he doesn’t agree with them, as demonstrated by his evolution on marijuana legalization. That sort of wisdom and humility would be a welcome change, wouldn’t it?

John earned his reputation as an effective moderate, and he’s achieved real, measurable progress, all while eliminating deficits. His leadership following the Aurora shooting led to the passage of significant new gun control legislation in Colorado; bring that NRA-whoopin’ mojo to Washington with you, Hick.

He was a geologist too, if the resumé wasn’t impressive enough for ya, in which case golly, you’re hard to impress. John Hickenlooper is gonna be a really good Senator, you guys. Let’s help him out.

Colorado

Colorado

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The Bad Guy

Cory Gardner

Cory Gardner once famously said, “I cannot and will not support someone who brags about degrading and assaulting women,” and he has spent his life since that point supporting a man who brags about degrading and assaulting women.

Lately, Cory’s been trying to paper over his years of craven Trump stoogery at the last minute by claiming credit for the Great American Outdoors Act, even as he joins in the fascist assault on voting by mail. He tries to hide his subservience from his constituents, but actions speak louder than words.

Gardner has chosen to vote and legislate like a slobbering wingnut in a state that’s turning bluer all the time, and that’s his own fool fault. He voted to privatize Medicare. He co-sponsored a “personhood” bill. His record on LGBTQ rights is fairly medieval. Opposing both the ACA and common sense gun control, he’s just another Republican death cultist; who gives a fuck if he’s moderate on an issue here and there, just elect a damn Democrat.

Cory Gardner has been a dutiful cog in the GOP donor-enriching machine since he finished school, so maybe his shameful lackydom is just a midlife crisis kind of thing, in which case I think we should help the bastard out. Open that dog bakery you’ve always dreamt of, Cory, the Senate just ain’t your calling.

AZ-06

AZ-06

The Good Gal

Dr. Hiral Tipirneni

Dr. Hiral Tipirneni is an emergency room physician and cancer research advocate, and you’re already thinking, “holy crap, that’s a voice we could sure fuckin’ use in Congress right about now,” aren’t you? A proven team player and problem-solver, Tipirneni has been serving her community for decades, and this is precisely the sort of suburban district we’ve been flipping lately.

Arizona

AZ-06

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The Bad Guy

David Schweikert

David Schweikert is so fucking corrupt, even members of his own party joined a unanimous House vote to reprimand his crooked ass. When he’s not committing crimes, Schweikert likes trying to steal his constituents’ health care, or get them killed outright, serving as one of the NRA’s nuttiest lapdogs. Still, history teaches us that Dave will pull every dirty trick in the book to keep his grift going, because he’s not one of those fun, noble, anti-hero criminals from the movies, he’s just a sack of shit.

MO-02

MO-02

The Good Gal

Jill Schupp

Jill Schupp’s passion for problem-solving led her first to the school board and City Council, then the Missouri House, then the Senate, and she’s not done moving up yet. See, her St. Louis County constituents keep promoting her, because she delivers, on issues like day care safety and surprise ER billing. Even during this crucial campaign, Schupp hasn’t stopped fighting for health care and safe schools. Promotion earned.

Missouri

MO-02

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The Bad Gal

Ann Wagner

Ann Wagner is most famous for her unrestrained glee at voting to steal health insurance from millions of Americans, which is, y’know…demented. Before coming to Congress, Wagner spent years as a Republican political operative, which explains her partisan disdain for half the people she “represents.” Seriously, she really hates actually dealing with her constituents. In many ways, Ann is the perfect GOP CongressHack: a multimillionaire raking in donations from other multimillionaires to rig the system in favor of multimillionaires.

Iowa

Iowa

The Good Gal

Theresa Greenfield

Theresa Greenfield fights to preserve the social safety net because she knows what it’s like to need it. When her husband died on the job, Greenfield found herself a young widow with a second child on the way; union benefits and Social Security helped her get back on her feet. Now she’s a successful urban planner, real estate developer, and Democratic candidate for the U.S. Senate.

While her opponent serves only wealthy Republicans donors, Theresa Greenfield fights for public education, access to health care, Social Security…all kinds of good shit.

Senator Ernst blindly parroted the party line on COVID-19, emphasizing reopening before it was safe, and opposing mask mandates. In contrast, Greenfield suggests actually listening to scientists, what a bold fucking idea.

Even her dog Ringo is chipping in to turn the Senate blue. Surely you’re not so heartless that you’d disappoint Ringo. Or, y’know, thousands of Iowans crying out for real leadership for a change.

With her deep roots among Iowa’s farmers and unions, Theresa Greenfield can bring that change…if we help her out.

Iowa

Iowa

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The Bad Gal

Joni Ernst

Anti-choice radical.

Climate science denier.

Gun nut. 

Would-be health care thief.

Pig castrator. 

Friend to Steve King.

Joni Ernst is fucking awful all on her own, but on top of her bargain-basement wingnut failures, she’s also one of Donald Trump’s most loyal foot soldiers.

Ernst could have stood up for the rule of law at any point, but she’s failed every single test, up to and including impeachment. In the end, she’s just one more power-crazed Republican hypocrite.

Joni thought Iowa was safely red and only getting redder, but Donnie Dotard’s idiot trade war and disastrous pandemic response (which she thinks has been just great)  have her constituents desperately seeking sanity.

Maine

Maine

The Good Gal

Sara Gideon

As two-term Speaker of the Maine House of Representatives, Sara Gideon knows how to get shit done. She knows how to lead. She knows how to reach across the aisle and cajole juuuuust enough Republicans into getting out of the road long enough to achieve a little fucking progress. Now doesn’t that sound like something the United States Senate could use more of?

Unlike her opponent, Gideon doesn’t back down in the face of wingnut fuckery; when Governor Paul LePage vetoed an opioid bill, she calmly, methodically assembled the bi-partisan coalition needed to shove said veto up LePage’s Tea Party ass.

Gideon will actually support and protect reproductive rights, and certainly would never vote to confirm any drunken rapey theocrats to the Supreme Court UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE WE COULD MENTION.

Health care, education, climate change, it’s all there in Sara’s platform. She’s done her homework, and she’s ready to give the people of Maine something more than the empty hand-wringing and economic inequality her opponent offers.

Maine

Maine

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The Bad Gal

Susan Collins

Susan Collins is, as you are no doubt well aware, concerned. Theatrically, uselessly, debilitatingly concerned.

Like a Batman villain, it is her sole character trait, which is a crying fucking shame, because this moment in American history called for leaders who could make difficult choices, put country before party, and show loyalty and courage.

The good people of Maine got none of that, they got…concerned.

Though Susan enjoys wearing her Reasonable Moderate mask to social functions and low-stakes votes, the Turd Reich has revealed her as a died-in-the-wool Trumpist hack, distinguishable from Gym Jordan only because she doesn’t get stumbling drunk at the parties.

In a lot of ways, she’s Hairplug Himmler’s most insidious enabler; no Freedom Caucus fanatic, she understands the damage he’s doing…and despite being one of the only people on Earth with the power to actually DO anything about it, all she can muster is her famous fucking CONCERN.

Anyway, if you’re not fully motivated to show Senator Collins the joys of retirement, it’s probably just because you forgot the condescending, disingenuous, self-mythologizing bullshit speech she gave when she put rapey creep Brett Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court for life.

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