Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Everything is Terrible, But At Least We Can Still Laugh at Ted Cruz’s Shitty, Shitty Beard
Every day is a thrilling new adventure, here in th’Land of the Free slash th’Home of the Brave; you tuck yourself in at night, never knowing which of your rights the power-drunk, illegitimate SCOTUS majority will take from you next. When you wake up, you don’t feel any different; you’re pretty much the same soul inside pretty much the same body, but your personhood has been legally diminished by zealots. It’s…odd.
Yeah, America was rolling along nicely, until the dominionists came to town.
Lately, I keep thinking about an old line of Dubya’s: “They hate our freedoms,” remember that one? I always thought it was a weird thing to suggest, but now I understand, he was speaking from a place of deep, personal experience, as a member of one fanatical religious group speaking about another.
While one certainly expects a conservative death cult to be regressive, I suppose one can never fully grasp the extent of the regressiveness until the death cult seizes a 6-3 majority on the Supreme Court. They really, truly, madly, deeply despise our freedoms, and thus, well…they’re taking them away.
The legal theories are consistent, if batshit: if we’re not allowed to protect our children from gun violence, why should we be allowed to protect all life on Earth from climate change? All suffering is God’s will, most especially suffering inflicted by the minoritarian despot firm of Kavanaugh, Gorsuch, Roberts, Alito, Thomas, & Coney Barrett.
As we settle into our new role as an international cautionary tale, the domestic Right is responding to the new reproductive rights landscape like a cannibal gang that just devoured a meth den. They’re euphoric about all the women they get to hurt right away, sure, but they’re also already feverishly concocting grotesque new weapons for the theocracy to deploy in the campaign against female autonomy.
We’re talking about laws to prohibit women from exercising their rights in more civilized states. Laws to punish those who do. And it’s only the first week.
With the resentment-fueled Wingnut God of Hate squatting in the halls of justice, a wave of fresh attacks on LGBTQ rights is next on the agenda; Texas AG Ken Paxton is standing giddily by with an archaic anti-sodomy law he can’t fucking wait to take out for a test drive.
(Away from the headline-grabbing stuff about all the decades of progress these six unelected asshats just pissed on, Justice Thomas casually slid a Taylor Greene-worthy conspiracy theory into one of his dissents, in case anybody’s wounds were insufficiently salted.)
Oh, and to really rub the Constitution’s nose in it, the robed fuckheads also took a great, big, scary step towards eliminating liberty from their own religion, bet we haven’t heard the last of that shit. “Yeah, WE can pray wherever we want. We’ll pray with our knees on your motherfucking necks, Derek Chauvin-style.”
Because the Lauren Boeberts of the world are sick and goshdarn tired of this bullshit separation of (their) church and (our) state. They’ve got a god who says they’re allowed to push everyone else around, which is a pretty convenient god, if you ask me, but the Supreme Court just made Him Governor of California, CEO of Facebook, and People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive from now until the sun goes out.
The Professor Marvel Memorial “Pay No Attention to the Fascist Behind the Curtain” award goes to Trump-endorsed Congresscreep Mary Miller, who, as you are no doubt aware, referred to the tyrannical usurpation of Americans’ civil rights as “a victory for white life.” Yes, the same Mary Miller who initially rose to national prominence by opining “Hitler was right on one thing,” why do you ask?
Anyway, the least surprising thing that made me weep tears of rage this week (say, that could be a regular feature) was discovering the ghost of Todd Akin, still haunting the GOP, ratting his chains, and moaning about Legitimate Rape. Perhaps Yesli Vega, the Republican candidate in Virginia’s 7th congressional district, was simply failed by her sex ed teachers…but then, perhaps she’s just one more malicious idiot in a party that values malice and idiocy.
(Vega’s running to unseat the amazing Abigail Spanberger, who y’all remember from the big, beautiful, Blue Wave of ‘18. Which I bring up in case anybody out there is looking for a race to adopt.)
Anyhoo, the political movement that re-canonizes Kyle Rittenhouse every other week is desperate to spin the narrative that it is Democrats who are the Violent Ones, Actually, and many a vein popped in many a deplorable forehead, as they collectively strained to will a post-Roe “Night of Rage” into being. Reality, as is so often the case with these folks, proved unaccommodating.
Still, evidence of Democratic brutality is liberally (GET IT) strewn about us, if we’re honest. Nancy Pelosi assaulted that kid, for example, and poor Rudy Giuliani was beaten so badly his subpar son’s political career died. And let us not forget Secretary Clinton, with her predilection for noshing ‘pon the faces of infants.
Meanwhile, famed conservative ethicist Eric “Possibly the Cruelest Genetic Joke on a Stumplike Family Tree” Trump opined that street violence in service to a known lie was “fair game,” and frankly “rad as hell” and definitely “something the rubes should do more of so my shitbag dad doesn’t go to prison, because if the government takes the money, I’d last about nine minutes on my own. Seriously, I’d starve, I don’t even know how to tie my own fucking shoes.”
Oh, and “an off-duty Rhode Island cop running for state senate has been charged with assault after punching his political rival in the face at an abortion-rights protest,” or so says the lamestream media. Now, without clicking, I wonder, can you guess which political parties these two electoral adversaries have chosen for themselves? The assaulter and the assaultee? The criminal and his victim? Since we’re talking about “nights of rage” and political violence and whatnot? Betcha can.
Until further notice, the target of the Two Minutes Hate shall be former Mark Meadows aide Cassidy Hutchinson, who violated the First MAGA Commandment: Thou shalt not mention what an unhinged, ketchup-splattering manchild the Turd Emperor is, especially not under oath, in front of the entire country.
Copy editors the world over struggled, mostly in vain, to find synonyms for “explosive testimony*,” as Hutchinson, newly free of her Trump-funded “lawyer,” walked the nation through Donnie Dotard’s autocratic mid-coup meltdown, as his dream of personally leading a loser crusade to the Capitol, in order to murder his way to a second term, slipped through those tiny, inadequate fingers.
Fixated as ever on crowd size, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot tried to have metal detectors removed, hoping to give a frothing wad of known-to-be-armed thugs a Loudermilk-style tour of the building, because hey, Mike Pence wasn’t gonna lynch himself.
And maybe somebody in the rapidly-falling Turd Reich could have done something to stop this horrifying, herky-jerky fashgasm, but I guess everybody was too busy staring at their phone, or frantically digging through the sofa cushions for pardons.
Oh, and the mighty Cognitive Test-Passer may or may not have physically assaulted Secret Service agents in an attempt to commander his vehicle, so he could sit up front and watch his precious hate mob slaughter Congress in his name.
Since even the mafia-style witness tampering failed to impede delivery of this evidence, Cult45 is freaking the fuck out, and quite a few enterprising young Brownshirt Scouts are going for their Smear Campaign merit badge. The Velveeta Vulgarian himself waddled over to Newsmax for a round of stochastic terror softball, and looka here, even Q (not the fun one, the one that incites violence) returned from exile to join the dogpile.
Now, I sincerely hope I still live in a country that will permit Cassidy Hutchinson to live out her natural lifespan in safety, but…I confess I have some doubts.
Despite a half decade of residence in this shit-flooded zone, the sight of a former U.S. Army Lieutenant General and National Security Advisor to the President of the United States of America, pleading the fifth when asked, “so is the peaceful transfer of power for cucks, or what?” still made me projectile vomit, so I guess I’m not totally desensitized yet, that’s nice.
And I’m not alone, it would appear; more rats than usual abandoned ship this week, because if there’s one thing Americans can’t stand, it’s wasted ketchup. When even the Washington Examiner thinks you’re too crazy/shitty/reckless/stupid/did I mention shitty to ever hold power again, you know you absolutely suck.
Rudy Giuliani deflected Hutchinson’s testimony with the deftness we’ve come to expect from the guy who booked Four Seasons Total Landscaping, before returning to his day job as the MyPillow guy’s spokesdoofus.
Now, this shitstorm is so thick, you can’t see two feet in front of your face, right? There’s a lot going on, most of it’s fucking awful, and we need leaders, now more than ever. So, how’s the sheltie’s-ass-bearded junior Senator from Texas filling his time these days? I’m glad you asked; he’s picking a fight with Sesame Street over Covid vaccines, yes, another one, in yet another doomed attempt to squeeze adulation out of the very death cult that once thrilled to his public emasculation by a superior primate.
Hell, you couldn’t get above the fold in my stupid blog, Ted, and I’m a drunken weirdo in a luchador mask. Everything about you sucks as much as your beard, and you will never, ever get elected President. Where history remembers you at all, it will be as a punchline, though it must be said, a legitimately amusing one.
Ron Johnson seems to be having trouble keeping his excuses for insurrecting straight, but maybe we’re being a bit hard on the poor guy; with a brain that succumbs to every conspiracy theory that drifts across his field of vision, you can’t really expect the man to navigate the finer points of a conspiracy to overthrow the whole dang constitutional order. Whether or not such a brain should be consulted in the lawmaking process is a question for the voters of Wisconsin, I suppose.
For any future historians arguing about how the fuck the most advanced nation in human history managed to sink so far into this morass of madness, well, with Teddy and RoJo making up 2% of the upper house of our federal legislature, we never had a fucking chance. Incidentally, tell me somebody’s watching Tommy Tuberville, he can’t be left unsupervised.
Meanwhile, Vlad the Miscalculator’s war of aggression rolls on according to plan, assuming the plan involved sovereign default and NATO expansion and retreating in shame from Snake Island, (which merits a robust “Go fuck yourself,” I think) and okay, maybe it’s not going so great, but he will not rest until he’s denazified every shopping mall in Ukraine.
GRIM SHIT, INNIT? But hey, at least Ketanji Brown Jackson got sworn in, hopefully laying the foundation for the court that’ll someday overturn all this hot kakistocrat trash.
Fucking hell. That’s enough, I think. More than enough. Lordy. Okay, well, try not to get gored by a bison, though if you do get gored by a bison, I certainly hope you get better.
*Volatile evidence delivery? Nitroglycerin-like witnessery?