So, now that we’ve entered the Daily Televised Nap phase of the Thousand Year Reich, I was thinking it’s probably time for that difficult talk about taking the keys to the death cult away from grandpa.

No? Well, then, I suppose we may as well launch the Donald J. Trump Institute of Peace in the middle of a war crimes scandal now that his second-term goals have narrowed to naming things after himself and concealing whatever horrifying signs of his impending death have manifested on the back of his right hand.

Aw, who’m I to disparage the recipient of the prestigious FIFA PEACE PRIZE, awarded annually to a rapist who demonstrates excellence in the fields of murdering people in international waters, selling loyal allies out to genocidal dictators, and tear-gassing children?

The FIFA Peace Prize. Lordy.

Admit it, though, when you first heard about it a couple weeks back, you thought, “Maybe not the most dignified thing I’ve ever seen, but as plans go…it’s a good’un.” And sure enough, the minute the shiny bauble lands ‘round his neck, the American president calls on American football to call itself something different.

I have no idea what a soccer league could possibly want or need from the U.S. government, but I know they’re gettin’ it. “Any boats you want blown up, fellas? Just say the word!”

We’re about to see a wave of copycat peace prizes from every industry looking to get out from under a debilitating tariff. The Folgers Harmony Award. The General Motors Order of International Brotherhood. The Biannual I’m-About-to-Lose-My-Soybean-Farm $25 Denny’s Gift Card of Unity or Whatever.

All peace prizes shall be celebrated in the traditional manner, of course: butchering another boatload of “narcoterrorists.”

Which brings us to Hegseth.

Golly gee, who knew that behind all those fun, fun socks lurked a bonafide war criminal? On the other hand, I feel like nine out of ten Fox Nooz personalities would violate the Geneva Conventions within six months of taking over the Pentagon, which is why previous administrations opted for more…sober leadership. (Zing!)

And you wonder if we could’ve been spared the spiritual blight of Pete’s monstrously illegal orders had he been removed from his post for endangering our troops’ lives through his careless dissemination of classified information during Signalgate, but of course issuing illegal orders is the whole reason he landed the gig in the first place.

Incidentally, between the ones he fires outright for refusing to follow his bloodthirsty commands and the ones he shoves under the bus after the fact, Petey’s gonna run out of admirals soon.

While decent Americans are appalled at these extrajudicial atrocities, Megyn Kelly finds them insufficiently sadistic. She wants dismemberments, dammit! Live-streamed, ideally, so she can watch ‘em die, with blood coming out of their wherever.

Mere caning would satisfy prominent golf person Phil Mickelson, in what passes for civility in our inordinately healthy right-wing political culture. Congrats on your souls, I guess. I don’t have any firm beliefs on the afterlife, but I imagine eternal burlap underpants is your ceiling at this point.

I almost appreciate the increasingly open shittiness, honestly. No more dog whistles or plausible deniability; just the raw, unfiltered, gutter racism of Off-Brand Orbán’s anti-Somali diatribe, because it’s not just that the cruelty is the point, it’s that cruelty is the only thing they do well.

And so, despite the latest massive leftward swing in a special election, this time in a deep-red Tennessee district, the rats remain too thoroughly brainwashed to even consider escaping the sinking ship. That only Marjorie Taylor Greene of all people seems to’ve noticed the trademark stench of duck growing lamer by the hour is…awfully amusing, don’tcha think?

When the God Emperor can no longer muster the stamina to stay awake through the tongue-bathing “Cabinet meeting” ritual, you can probably stop licking his ass, though I suspect they’ve grown legitimately fond of the taste, these governors and senators and billionaires.

Or perhaps they’ve simply forgotten how to do anything else. I confess I enjoy watching the sycophants scramble to defend each new inanity, like, say, pardoning a drug kingpin responsible for smuggling 500 tons of cocaine into the United States while slaughtering everyone who slides a dinghy into the Caribbean in the name of a drug war, for example.

AFFORDABILITY IS A DEMOCRAT HOAX could be the next big red ballcap slogan, but thanks to the trade war with China, I don’t see how they can be manufactured affordably, speaking of cartoonishly unpopular shit Republicans can’t seem to stop themselves from defending.

The Offal in the Oval unveiled a “hall of shame” for news outlets that report things he doesn’t like, which no doubt impressed all the same people who got off on his petulant “quiet, piggy” outburst, most of whom are nine.

Meanwhile, Matt Gaetz, Laura Loomer, and Jack Posobiec, first-ballot media hall-of-shamers all, are asking the questions at the Pentagon nowadays, though I don’t suppose one needs t’be particularly qualified to cover the Secretary’s (excuse me, “SSecretary’s”) cartoon turtle memes.

Warmest congratulations go out to Hepatitis B, which gets to infect a whole new generation of American children, thanks to Bobby Brainworm and his dipshit brigade. Hope this news doesn’t rain on Olivia Nuzzi’s book tour.

Kash Patel apparently refuses to deplane without a properly fitting (i.e., lady-sized) jacket and 37 pieces of flair, and you know morale’s through the roof at the FBI when shit like that leaks. Odd, you’d think law enforcement officers would adore chauffeuring the incompetent, overmatched director’s girlfriend’s drunken idiot friend around.

With mid-decade redistricting efforts stalled in the Indiana Senate, MAGA’s leading intellectuals mobilized every persuasive tool at their disposal to convince the holdouts: harassment, bomb threats, and swatting. What’s that? Did they try making a logical and/or moral case for their position? Oh, my sweet summer child.

I see the wannabe autocrats defiling our Justice Department bungled their latest attempt to indict Letitia James, now that the insurance lawyer got the boot. Oh, and Alina Habba was indeed illegally serving in her latest post. I’m sure everyone will wind up shuffled around to new jobs in time…we could use a few more admirals, now that I think of it.

Does the steady stream of ICE abuses even register anymore? An illegally detained U.S. citizen here, a deported college student there, and if agents “engage in widespread misrepresentations to justify use of force,” well, there’s no point in crying over spilt tear gas, right?

Or spilt pepper spray. Even if it got spilt on, say, a Congresswoman.

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I hope everybody out there reading this finds someone to look at them the way Congresswoman Maria Salazar looks at the prospect of invading Venezuela for their oil. That’s true fuckin’ love, folks.

A pardoned Capitol rioter has been seen skulking around Jamie Raskin’s residence, to give him cupcakes and a hug, no doubt.

There’s a new influencer on the scene for conservatives who find Riley Gaines’ fifth-place finish too elitist: barely literate University of Oklahoma junior Samantha Fulnecky, a fierce advocate for the inalienable right to get an A for an essay calling people she dislikes “demonic,” because The Bible. Like Gaines, Fulnecky now likely faces a life of fame and fortune, while I tell political fart jokes for beer money.

Spreading of beer money, the tip jar still accepts Cash App, Venmo, and PayPal, and if you missed the Kickstarter for my latest comic book, we’re still accepting late pledges! You can follow @john_luzar or sign up on my email list, but even if you don’t, stay safe out there, m’lovelies…