Friends, I know things seem grim, but I think I’ve finally worked out a solution. All we need to do is convince the folks who created the very first cognitive test to replace the “is this a moo cow or a horsey?” section with a couple of questions about how tariffs work, and who pays them. So if anybody’s got a time machine I can borrow…

Well, since I’m not blogging about President Kaine’s proposed ACA expansion right now, I have to assume my brilliant plan failed. Lotta that going around these days.

Wouldn’t want you to think that crack was directed at the trade war, though. No, that’s going swimmingly, at least for the billionaires with clearly designated bribe troughs. Elon Musk, for example, has stumbled into a lucrative side hustle, extorting Starlink contracts from developing economies desperate to get out from under the mad king’s tariff tantrum.

Of course, the real money’s in meme coins, as any grifting rapist’ll tell ya. Turns out, taking the global economy hostage is such a simple, effective get-rich-quick scheme, even a guy who bankrupted casinos can’t fuck it up.

As for the rest of you filthy takers, you have until Monday to select your five favorite pencils; the rest will be personally collected by Tom Homan, who will probably eat them right in front of you.

Then you are to report to your assigned position on the parade route, to celebrate the Agreement to Discuss Terms for a Non-Binding Arrangement Regarding a Potential Trade Deal Someday (or Maybe Not) with Great Britain. Thanks to the Art of the Deal™️, you get to pay a 10% tax on all British imports, which, dealtastically enough, actually works out to a competitive disadvantage for domestic auto manufacturers, who’re still stuck with the 25% tariffs imposed on Canada and Mexico.

Okay, only 184 “deals” left to go. Or, wait, now I see we’ve declared trade war on the great nation of Mattel, which…I dunno, man, the Mattelese are a proud people with a fierce warrior tradition, particularly the Masters of the Universe line. They don’t call it “the toybox of empires” for nothing, y’know.

Still, today’s empty ports are tomorrow’s empty shelves, so unless doll rationing fever sweeps the nation over the course of the next few weeks, those already-tanking economic approval ratings face a plummet worthy of a Disney villain.

Which explains why the great negotiator keeps unilaterally backtracking in exchange for absolutely nothing. “Did I say 145% tariffs? I meant 80%. Plus I’ll throw in Tiffany.”

Incidentally, seems a certain sundowning septuagenarian caught an old Clint Eastwood movie on TV, so now he’s ordered the government to reopen Alcatraz. I suppose we should count ourselves lucky it wasn’t Every Which Way But Loose, or he’d be proposing orangutan marines.

Oh, and we’re gonna tariff foreign films now, too. Just 10% on the first five samurai, but if you want seven, you gotta pay.

We learned the Turd Reich hopes to expand its extralegal migrant deportation program to Libya, Rwanda, and any other place Kristi Noem picks out for her next fashy, fetishistic photo shoot. And if they have to suspend habeas corpus to do it, well, that’s a price Stephen Miller is willing to pay. (This is one of those times when it really comes in handy to have a boss who doesn’t know if he’s obligated to uphold the Constitution.)

Anyhoo, Off-Brand Orbán got through his first Oval Office meeting with the shiny new Canadian Prime Minister without things escalating into a shooting war, and while I’m open to holding future presidents to a somewhat higher standard, I think we should just take the W here. And not to go all JD, but Carney really should’ve thanked him for the whole “destroying the global Right’s electoral prospects” thing.

AI-generated images posted by official Shart House social media accounts managed to blaspheme against two of the world’s leading religions this week: Catholicism and Star Wars.

There’s a new Pope, by the way, and he’s American, but the Children of the Candy Corn are all mad because he doesn’t hate migrants or minorities enough. Why, Laura Loomer and Catturd weren’t even invited to the Conclave! RIGGED!

Instead of resigning in shame for mishandling classified intelligence, Pete Hegseth has decided to fire 20% of the military’s 4-star generals, and I’m starting to suspect life might not be fair.

Though there hasn’t been a formal announcement, Hegseth seems to be pursuing a similar reduction in military equipment, unless we’re dumping $60 million jets into the ocean for funsies now.

Popular Georgia Governor Brian Kemp somehow declined the opportunity to stand in the path of the massing Blue Wave set to crash into the GOP next November, either to avoid ending his career as the puppet of the anti-tree lobby, like Herschel Walker, or to maintain the frankly adorable delusion of leading a post-MAGA Republican Party back to sanity.

I guess the Dotard’s original Surgeon General nominee was too qualified, cuz she got pulled in favor of some quack “influencer” who doesn’t even have a medical license. But even Casey Means isn’t kooky enough for the anti-vax crowd, who’re already worked up over that insufficiently hateful Pope.

We can’t even have 24 hours to celebrate the end of Ed Martin’s staggeringly corrupt reign as acting United States Attorney for the District of Columbia, because his replacement turns out to be the smarmiest ragespigot remaining in the Fox Nooz stable, Jeanine Pirro.

What if there’s no bottom? What if, in 2027, we’re fielding headlines like, “Following the resignation of Jeffrey Epstein’s ghost, President Trump announced his replacement as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff…The Guy Who Sells Matt Gaetz Roofies Before Prom Weekend”?

Gosh, I hope nobody’s planning any 9/11s or anything, since we’ve apparently redirected all available intelligence resources, on presidential orders, towards…Greenland.

Sigh.

In the next James Bond movie, (starring Ben Affleck, thank you film tariffs) 007 goes undercover in Nuuk, trying to figure out why no one wants to hang out with JD Vance.

As symbols of American decline go, you could certainly do worse than the threatening letter the disgraced wrestling promoter sent to Harvard. Maybe run your grammar by ChatGPT before you try to bully an Ivy League school, Linda.

Kari Lake announced she’s outsourcing Voice of America’s “newsfeed services” to OAN, who somehow outbid RT and Alex Jones, despite that Dominion lawsuit payout. There’s a soft power/soft lighting gag there somewhere, but I’ll be damned if I can find it.

Georgia Congressdolt Mike Collins called for a new crusade to reclaim the holy Steak ‘n Shake at the congressional food court from the infidels who would serve halal cuisine. So he’s still an idiot.

Things’ve gotten so bad at Newark Liberty International Airport that air traffic controllers are warning travelers it’s not safe to fly there, but never fear, Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy has been working tirelessly, around the clock, to blame his predecessor during softball interviews with friendly media outlets.

I’ll be the first to admit I was skeptical about all the cuts to cancer research and food safety and suicide hotlines, but I just couldn’t see the big picture. See, we needed that money to pay reparations to the family of history’s shittiest martyr. There won’t be any kids in Ashli Babbitt’s family settling for two dolls this Xmas, that’s for sure.

Oh, and “an anti-government group is making threats against weather equipment that it says is a ‘weather weapon’ controlled by the military,” which I only mention to give you a heads-up about the pardons that’ll be upsetting you in a year or so.

Okay, obviously I need several drinks now. If you enjoyed that diatribe, feel free to toss a couple bucks into my beer fund, (now accepting Venmo, Cash App, and PayPal!) follow @john_luzar, or sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com! And, as always, stay safe out there, if yer able…