Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
I’m Starting a Game Show Called “Are You Smarter Than Carter” Where the Contestants are Stuffed Animals
Kinda slow for a Monday, huh? Things’re pretty quiet with the Dotard abroad*. I’d say “too quiet,” but I am absolutely not dumb enough to tempt fate like that. Not in 2017.
So, what should we talk about? Rand Paul’s MMA fight with his No Doubt Equally Jaggy Neighbor over…their lawns? I guess?
We’ll be old and grey, trying to recount the madness of these batguano-frosted days in the nursing home, struggling over this sort of trivia. “Didn’t Marco Rubio miss a vote because somebody hit him with a plastic flamingo, or something?”
Anyway. I don’t want it to seem like I’m advocating, or cheering for violence, because I’m not. I’ll just say that I imagine living next door to Rand Paul for 17 years is…challenging.
Well, SCROTUS started up his big Asia trip, and I’m sure he’s representing America in a manner we can all be proud of! There’s no way he’s saying anything colossally stupid like “Golly gee, I never knew we had so many countries,” that’d just be –
We don’t need Presidential debates, folks. We need 3rd grade tests.
Didja see that story over at Axios? Seems Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet had a meeting with some Native American leaders, and told ’em, “Law Schmaw! Do whatever the fuck you want, bro! Fuckin’ look at me, I’m sending the taxpayers bills for port-a-potties for my OWN FUCKING SECRET SERVICE DETAIL. It’s Act One of Wall Street until Mueller breaks up the party! SHOTS!!!!!!!!”
Bloomberg sat down the Russian lawyer who reached out, once upon a time, to Shart, Jr., saying “Hey kid, wanna buy some treason?” to which Prince Dotard responded, “Hellz to tha Yes!”
Yes, Natalia Veselnitskaya laid out all the proposed quid-pro-quo, and even said she’d testify to it under oath to any ol’ investigative committee, or Special Counsel who asked her.
This seems like a good time to recall that Team Shart’s best defense of this meeting is “Well sure we TRIED to collude with a hostile foreign power to influence an American election, but it didn’t really work out, so it doesn’t count, right?”
And of course we find ourselves engaged in the all too familiar rituals that follow a mass shooting. Extra familiar, since Vegas was, what? The day before yesterday?
All the usual voices called sent their hollow, useless, thoughts-n-prayers, with a few indignantly scolding those who would “politicize the blah blah blah blah blah YES I’D LIKE ANOTHER DONATION, WAYNE,” because, and let’s not mince words about this, Republicans do not care when Americans are murdered by white people.
We’re adding a new, 21st century social media wrinkle, where trolls n’ bots spread disinformation about the shooter being an Atheist Democrat Antifa Monster Made in a Harvard Lab From Chelsea Clinton’s Eggs and Sperm From Obama’s Gay Lover, because the internet is awful.
President Shartcannon weighed in from Japan, saying “How dare you blame our precious, precious guns! This mass shooting, like all mass shootings not committed by brown-skinned people, was the dastardly work of Mental Illness!”
No one seems to have been willing to remind him of the bill he signed earlier this year repealing an Obama-era regulation that made it harder for the mentally ill to obtain firearms. That would’ve been…too reasonable.
And just because this whole thing wasn’t tragic enough, it turns out the shooter should never have been allowed to buy a gun in the first place, having been discharged from the Air Force after a domestic violence conviction (he broke a toddler’s skull), but, here’s the thing, the military never bothered to feed his name into the Don’t Sell This Violent Maniac a Gun database, because that would’ve been too much work.
So the guy who BROKE A TODDLER’S SKULL was able to march into any fucking store he wanted, say “Boy I sure would like some murder machines!” and walk away with…well, with the tools to end 26 lives in a Sutherland Springs church.
Now, WHY does this shit keep happening? I’ll tell you why. Wayne LaPierre always hides out for a few days after the latest massacre (I’m told it takes several showers to wash the blood off those filthy, filthy hands), but he’ll be back soon enough, stirring up fear and hatred for his bloodthirsty masters.
Anyway. Next time you see him on tv, take a look at, oh, let’s say his necktie.
It’ll be a nice necktie. Nicer than any of mine, certainly. Wayne’s a wealthy man. “Death Merchant Lobbyist” is a well-paid post.
Anyway. The tie. That tie will have been paid for by the money Devin P. Kelley spent on the rifle he used to shoot up that church. Paid for by the cost of the bullets Kelley bought for the express purpose of ending those 26 lives. The bullets that killed those children find their way to Wayne LaPierre’s pocket, and he leaves that SAME MONEY in the tip jar when he gets a latte.
THAT’S why this happened. Why it’ll happen again. Wayne’s not about to give up his comforts.
But maybe I’m not being fair. Maybe I should look at the whole picture. Fuck, maybe I should be like the folks over at Fux Nooz, and see the brighter side of mass murder! After all, IS THERE A BETTER PLACE TO GET SLAUGHTERED IN A HAIL OF BULLETS THAN RIGHT IN YOUR VERY OWN CHURCH? I BET JESUS GIVES YOU AN EXTRA PACKAGE OF OATMEAL CREME PIES IF YOU GOT MURDERED IN CHURCH!!!!!!
Somehow there’s a dude, a “minister” willing to go even lower, if you can imagine. Dude’s all mad at the liberals for fighting against GAWD’S PLAN for all those kids to get shot to death because it was GAWD and not a violent fuckhead who should never have been allowed to purchase a firearm, but I guess Gawd wanted him to have the gun cuz he sure did fucking have it and maybe that 18-month-old who got killed was gonna grow up to be Hitler, did you ever think of that? CHECKMATE LIBTARDS!!!!!”
I need to leave a little space to allow everybody to detox from the horrifying state of the gun debate in our country. Take a moment to scream, if you need.
It’s been pretty fucking funny, watching Paul Manafort play Bargaining For Bail with Robert Mueller. Sorry, Paulie. This ain’t Settlers of Catan. The government’s gonna wind up confiscating your entire ill-gotten stash when all is said and done anyway. Enjoy your GPS ankle bracelet. You remain…#Manafucked.
I see the woman famously photographed flipping off Shart Garfunkel’s motorcade lost her job as a result. If crudeness to our bloated, shit-for-brains, pigeon-dicked President is a firing offense now…geez, don’t tell my boss about this blog.
Oh wait. I totally wear a mask. No worries.
We keep learning more about Paul Ryan’s Make Americans Serfs Again tax reform bill, and…holy shit, y’all, how gerrymandered ARE these fuckers’ districts, that they think they can get away with this? Teachers won’t be able to deduct the cost of classroom supplies they pay for out of pocket anymore, but Princess Ivanka will be able to send her Pound Puppy to Oxford. And it looks like the bill actually RAISES taxes on low-and-middle-income households, just so the Koch Bros can wipe their asses with Ben Franklin instead of Ulysses Grant?
Reza Aslan published an op-ed over at the LA Times likening the Drumpf movement to a cult. That’s a HOT TAKE, Reza. Most of us noticed that shit last summer when Tangerine Idi Amin’s slavering hoards ritualistically circled the press pens at his rallies, shouting death threats at journalists while using ketchup as war paint on their Trump That Bitch t-shirts.
Gnome King/Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross is pipin’ mad that the dirty librul media revealed all those multi-million-dollar financial entanglements with PutinPalz he lied about in his confirmation hearings. He says it’s “evil.” Not that he DID it, mind you, but that reporters found out about it and informed the public. THAT’S evil. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some cobbling to finish before the Old Shoemaker wakes up!” Ross screeched, before vanishing in a cloud of putrid-smelling green smoke.
As I write this, all the journalists on political Twitter are busily combing through the just-released 200 pages of Carter Page testimony from his meeting with the House Intelligence Committee last week. Boy Howdy, Carter Page is…not smart.
In between tripping over his own lies, Page manages to confess to not only meeting with Russian officials on behalf of the campaign, but also informing a whole bunch of his colleagues about his activities. I’m afraid you won’t be getting an Xmas card from Corey Lewandowski this year, Carter.
You really have to wonder why the Shart Campaign hired Page instead of, y’know, a well-trained corgi, or a jar of marshmallow fluff.
If you’re lookin’ for a little good news, I got some good news for you. Before I share it, I’m just gonna need you to repeal those pesky Magnitsky Act sanctions for me, ‘kay?
Just kidding. But that woulda worked on Drumpf’s shitty kids, y’know.
Good news is, apparently ACA signups are up (way up, if the Hill’s sources are right) over last year, despite all of the Shart House’s diligent efforts to sabotage advertising and outreach.
See how mighty we are, Resisters? The President of the United States is trying to HIDE the ACA markets from his own people, but WE THE PEOPLE are thwarting him. You’ve got links to ACA signup sites on your social media pages, right? RIGHT?
Want a little more good gnus? Ok, just make a teeeeeny change in the Republican Party platform, regarding Ukraine policy, and I’ll let you know about the latest generic congressional ballot poll.
Anyway, I hope everybody reading this who has something to vote on tomorrow votes the ever-lovin’ shit out of whatever election happens to be available.
And one way or another, exactly one year from today, we ALL get to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, which I personally cannot fucking wait for.
*A DOTARD ABROAD, based on an unfinished W. Somerset Maugham story, will be adapted into an A&E miniseries this spring, starring a damaged clone of Jason Alexander in the title role.