I’m Starting a Game Show Called “Are You Smarter Than Carter” Where the Contestants are Stuffed Animals

Kinda slow for a Monday, huh? Things’re pretty quiet with the Dotard abroad*. I’d say “too quiet,” but I am absolutely not dumb enough to tempt fate like that. Not in 2017.

So, what should we talk about? Rand Paul’s MMA fight with his No Doubt Equally Jaggy Neighbor over…their lawns? I guess?

We’ll be old and grey, trying to recount the madness of these batguano-frosted days in the nursing home, struggling over this sort of trivia. “Didn’t Marco Rubio miss a vote because somebody hit him with a plastic flamingo, or something?”

Anyway. I don’t want it to seem like I’m advocating, or cheering for violence, because I’m not. I’ll just say that I imagine living next door to Rand Paul for 17 years is…challenging.

Well, SCROTUS started up his big Asia trip, and I’m sure he’s representing America in a manner we can all be proud of! There’s no way he’s saying anything colossally stupid like “Golly gee, I never knew we had so many countries,” that’d just be –

…well, fuck.

We don’t need Presidential debates, folks. We need 3rd grade tests.

Didja see that story over at Axios? Seems Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet had a meeting with some Native American leaders, and told ’em, “Law Schmaw! Do whatever the fuck you want, bro! Fuckin’ look at me, I’m sending the taxpayers bills for port-a-potties for my OWN FUCKING SECRET SERVICE DETAIL. It’s Act One of Wall Street until Mueller breaks up the party! SHOTS!!!!!!!!”

Bloomberg sat down the Russian lawyer who reached out, once upon a time, to Shart, Jr., saying “Hey kid, wanna buy some treason?” to which Prince Dotard responded, “Hellz to tha Yes!”

Yes, Natalia Veselnitskaya laid out all the proposed quid-pro-quo, and even said she’d testify to it under oath to any ol’ investigative committee, or Special Counsel who asked her.

This seems like a good time to recall that Team Shart’s best defense of this meeting is “Well sure we TRIED to collude with a hostile foreign power to influence an American election, but it didn’t really work out, so it doesn’t count, right?”

And of course we find ourselves engaged in the all too familiar rituals that follow a mass shooting. Extra familiar, since Vegas was, what? The day before yesterday?

All the usual voices called sent their hollow, useless, thoughts-n-prayers, with a few indignantly scolding those who would “politicize the blah blah blah blah blah YES I’D LIKE ANOTHER DONATION, WAYNE,” because, and let’s not mince words about this, Republicans do not care when Americans are murdered by white people.

We’re adding a new, 21st century social media wrinkle, where trolls n’ bots spread disinformation about the shooter being an Atheist Democrat Antifa Monster Made in a Harvard Lab From Chelsea Clinton’s Eggs and Sperm From Obama’s Gay Lover, because the internet is awful.

President Shartcannon weighed in from Japan, saying “How dare you blame our precious, precious guns! This mass shooting, like all mass shootings not committed by brown-skinned people, was the dastardly work of Mental Illness!”

No one seems to have been willing to remind him of the bill he signed earlier this year repealing an Obama-era regulation that made it harder for the mentally ill to obtain firearms. That would’ve been…too reasonable.

And just because this whole thing wasn’t tragic enough, it turns out the shooter should never have been allowed to buy a gun in the first place, having been discharged from the Air Force after a domestic violence conviction (he broke a toddler’s skull), but, here’s the thing, the military never bothered to feed his name into the Don’t Sell This Violent Maniac a Gun database, because that would’ve been too much work.

So the guy who BROKE A TODDLER’S SKULL was able to march into any fucking store he wanted, say “Boy I sure would like some murder machines!” and walk away with…well, with the tools to end 26 lives in a Sutherland Springs church.

Now, WHY does this shit keep happening? I’ll tell you why. Wayne LaPierre always hides out for a few days after the latest massacre (I’m told it takes several showers to wash the blood off those filthy, filthy hands), but he’ll be back soon enough, stirring up fear and hatred for his bloodthirsty masters.

Anyway. Next time you see him on tv, take a look at, oh, let’s say his necktie.

It’ll be a nice necktie. Nicer than any of mine, certainly. Wayne’s a wealthy man. “Death Merchant Lobbyist” is a well-paid post.

Anyway. The tie. That tie will have been paid for by the money Devin P. Kelley spent on the rifle he used to shoot up that church. Paid for by the cost of the bullets Kelley bought for the express purpose of ending those 26 lives. The bullets that killed those children find their way to Wayne LaPierre’s pocket, and he leaves that SAME MONEY in the tip jar when he gets a latte.

THAT’S why this happened. Why it’ll happen again. Wayne’s not about to give up his comforts.

But maybe I’m not being fair. Maybe I should look at the whole picture. Fuck, maybe I should be like the folks over at Fux Nooz, and see the brighter side of mass murder! After all, IS THERE A BETTER PLACE TO GET SLAUGHTERED IN A HAIL OF BULLETS THAN RIGHT IN YOUR VERY OWN CHURCH? I BET JESUS GIVES YOU AN EXTRA PACKAGE OF OATMEAL CREME PIES IF YOU GOT MURDERED IN CHURCH!!!!!!

Somehow there’s a dude, a “minister” willing to go even lower, if you can imagine. Dude’s all mad at the liberals for fighting against GAWD’S PLAN for all those kids to get shot to death because it was GAWD and not a violent fuckhead who should never have been allowed to purchase a firearm, but I guess Gawd wanted him to have the gun cuz he sure did fucking have it and maybe that 18-month-old who got killed was gonna grow up to be Hitler, did you ever think of that? CHECKMATE LIBTARDS!!!!!”

I need to leave a little space to allow everybody to detox from the horrifying state of the gun debate in our country. Take a moment to scream, if you need.

Anyhow.

It’s been pretty fucking funny, watching Paul Manafort play Bargaining For Bail with Robert Mueller. Sorry, Paulie. This ain’t Settlers of Catan. The government’s gonna wind up confiscating your entire ill-gotten stash when all is said and done anyway. Enjoy your GPS ankle bracelet. You remain…#Manafucked.

I see the woman famously photographed flipping off Shart Garfunkel’s motorcade lost her job as a result. If crudeness to our bloated, shit-for-brains, pigeon-dicked President is a firing offense now…geez, don’t tell my boss about this blog.

Oh wait. I totally wear a mask.  No worries.

We keep learning more about Paul Ryan’s Make Americans Serfs Again tax reform bill, and…holy shit, y’all, how gerrymandered ARE these fuckers’ districts, that they think they can get away with this? Teachers won’t be able to deduct the cost of classroom supplies they pay for out of pocket anymore, but Princess Ivanka will be able to send her Pound Puppy to Oxford. And it looks like the bill actually RAISES taxes on low-and-middle-income households, just so the Koch Bros can wipe their asses with Ben Franklin instead of Ulysses Grant?

Reza Aslan published an op-ed over at the LA Times likening the Drumpf movement to a cult. That’s a HOT TAKE, Reza. Most of us noticed that shit last summer when Tangerine Idi Amin’s slavering hoards ritualistically circled the press pens at his rallies, shouting death threats at journalists while using ketchup as war paint on their Trump That Bitch t-shirts.

Gnome King/Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross is pipin’ mad that the dirty librul media revealed all those multi-million-dollar financial entanglements with PutinPalz he lied about in his confirmation hearings. He says it’s “evil.” Not that he DID it, mind you, but that reporters found out about it and informed the public. THAT’S evil. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some cobbling to finish before the Old Shoemaker wakes up!” Ross screeched, before vanishing in a cloud of putrid-smelling green smoke.

As I write this, all the journalists on political Twitter are busily combing through the just-released 200 pages of Carter Page testimony from his meeting with the House Intelligence Committee last week. Boy Howdy, Carter Page is…not smart.

In between tripping over his own lies, Page manages to confess to not only meeting with Russian officials on behalf of the campaign, but also informing a whole bunch of his colleagues about his activities. I’m afraid you won’t be getting an Xmas card from Corey Lewandowski this year, Carter.

You really have to wonder why the Shart Campaign hired Page instead of, y’know, a well-trained corgi, or a jar of marshmallow fluff.

If you’re lookin’ for a little good news, I got some good news for you. Before I share it, I’m just gonna need you to repeal those pesky Magnitsky Act sanctions for me, ‘kay?

Just kidding. But that woulda worked on Drumpf’s shitty kids, y’know.

Good news is, apparently ACA signups are up (way up, if the Hill’s sources are right) over last year, despite all of the Shart House’s diligent efforts to sabotage advertising and outreach.

See how mighty we are, Resisters? The President of the United States is trying to HIDE the ACA markets from his own people, but WE THE PEOPLE are thwarting him. You’ve got links to ACA signup sites on your social media pages, right? RIGHT?

Want a little more good gnus? Ok, just make a teeeeeny change in the Republican Party platform, regarding Ukraine policy, and I’ll let you know about the latest generic congressional ballot poll.

Anyway, I hope everybody reading this who has something to vote on tomorrow votes the ever-lovin’ shit out of whatever election happens to be available.

And one way or another, exactly one year from today, we ALL get to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, which I personally cannot fucking wait for.

*A DOTARD ABROAD, based on an unfinished W. Somerset Maugham story, will be adapted into an A&E miniseries this spring, starring a damaged clone of Jason Alexander in the title role.