Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
In a World This Mercilessly Stupid, How Could Sarah Palin NOT Come Back?
A week without malignantly insane, world-wrecking assholes…that’s all I want. One little week. Wouldn’t that be nice? To just once click over to Ye Olde Shower Cappe Blog, braced for the expected litany of horrors, only to encounter a brief, “Well whaddya know, the shitbuckets actually left us alone for a few days, I finally got around to that last season of Deadwood!” A boy can dream, can’t he?
The Russian military has certainly had a tough time of it in Ukraine, (the murdering dolts can’t even retreat competently) but after week upon week of catastrophic blundering, they’ve finally stumbled onto one thing they’re actually halfway decent at: slaughtering civilians.
Future war-mongering autocrats take note: it’s prudent to save the really major war crimes for securely held territory, because when you’re forced to flee the field in defeat, residual evidence of your inhuman savagery can really turbocharge the world’s will to thwart your bloody ambitions.
Keep it up, Pootie Tang, I think there are still six or seven Stinger missiles left in a garage somewhere that aren’t currently aimed at your butchering buffoons. And I know y’all are redeploying and resupplying and all, but I, uh, wouldn’t expect great things from the remnants of the force that oh-so-cleverly occupied Chernobyl. Anyhoo, surely the glorious restoration of the Soviet Empire is just one more bombed-out maternity hospital away.
Like an overmatched game show host trying to gaslight his way out of a global pandemic, Vlad the Miscalculator’s latest master plan involves claiming each freshly unearthed atrocity is in fact a dastardly Ukrainian false flag designed to make him look like a big ol’ meanie. It’s working about as well as any of his recent schemes, I suppose; Russian “diplomats” are getting expelled by the score, (enjoy the job market back home, kids) and invites to the United Nations Human Rights Council’s Xmas party have been rescinded, which really stings, because Ban Ki-moon usually busts out his absolutely legendary karaoke version of Fox on the Run after an appletini or two.
Anyway, it seems like a particularly inappropriate time to be scrawling taunting little notes on the missiles you’re launching at noncombatants, but maybe Vladward is just excited he got Pink Floyd back together.
Here at home, Republicans continue their extremely Putinesque assault on LGBTQ rights. Frankly, the institutional GOP is kicking itself for not embracing QAnon sooner; turns out, you don’t need any platform whatsoever, you can even embrace lunatic policies that kill tens of thousands of your constituents, so long as you train a sufficiently large base of credulous dirtbags to reflexively believe that anyone who disagrees with them about anything is a child molester.
Because Disney’s content deviates from Laura Ingraham’s grisliest gay-bashing fantasies, they’re “grooming” children, you see. Now Lauren Boebert furiously demands Mickey Mouse’s cancellation, on the grounds that his name is just too darn hard to spell. (There should be a song to help with that, y’know?)
Oddly, in their fervor to incite a few theme park mass shootings, none of the shrieking heads of the right-wing rageosphere found time to condemn Tennessee Republicans’ proposed legalization of child marriage. Shit, they neglected to even mention Ruben Verastigui, the latest in a long, long, long, long, LONG fuckin’ line of prominent conservatives to earn an actual, real-life conviction for sexually abusing children.
Well, Ketanji Brown Jackson has been successfully confirmed to the Supreme Court, despite the Senate GOP’s demented smear campaign, (she’s only soft on pedophiles, not a pedophile herself, at least she wasn’t the last time I checked the fever swamps, though I’m sure Hillary Clinton has plans to invite her over to partake of the traditional Democratic congratulatory child face buffet) though not without one final infantile conniption from the likes of Rand Paul and Lindsey Graham.
So, Paul Gosar, sitting United States Congressperson, is headed to yet another white nationalist shindig, this one in celebration of Hitler’s birthday. Now, outside of the generally undesirable spectacle of a federal legislator CELEBRATING HITLER’S BIRTHDAY, I’m afraid I must insist upon registering a complaint here; a satirist’s job is tough enough without all this unfair competition from reality.
I probably shouldn’t fixate on Congressman Szell, excuse me, “Gosar,” he’s an outlier, right? We should pay more attention to the GOP’s fine, upstanding moderates! You won’t catch wannabe Senator J.D. Vance baking cupcakes for Adolf; no, he’s far too busy cutting mega-racist campaign ads, and parroting the white nationalist “great replacement” theory…on reflection, probably not the best example.
Okay, okay, Gosar AND Vance are outliers, let us rather focus on Texas Governor Greg Abbott, who, trailing in the pivotal Racist Idiot primary, announced a moronic “plan” to bus migrants from the border to Washington, D.C. Pretty standard Republican electoral politics here, by which I mean, “juvenile performance art, designed to elicit malicious cackling from the shittiest people alive.”
(The real outliers in this clown car full of bleeding rectums are, of course, Kinzinger and Cheney.)
I’m actually quite sympathetic to MAGA nation’s plight; it must be challenging, maintaining fanaticism in a cult of personality, when the personality in question is such an inveterate loser as Donald John Trump. Of course you have to concoct fake accomplishments to justify your blind fealty, otherwise you’d have to face the reality that you worship a serial fuckup who can’t even dress himself. Anyway, he didn’t kill Bin Laden, Congresswoman McClain; you are now cordially invited to resign in shame.
Speaking of Donnie Dotard’s seven decades of incessant faceplanting, there’s a brand-new fiasco for the fridge, Ma! I’m talkin’ about TRUTH SOCIAL, which flopped so hard and fast you’d think the man in charge was some sort of world-class shitwit who couldn’t even figure out how to make money in the casino industry.
While I understand and accept the bleak inevitability of the headline, “Trump endorses Palin,” reading it still made me curl up in the fetal position on my kitchen floor, weeping tears of vomit, for several hours. I finally gathered the strength to stand up and start cleaning the mess, but then along came “Bin Laden’s niece praises Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gaetz for backing Capitol rioters” to knock me back on my ass.
By the way, Taylor Greene made history this week, as the very first batshit-gargling conspiracy theorist to get mercilessly owned on both the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives and a late night talk show within a two-day span. Congratulations, Marj; your prize is an all-expenses paid trip…to Guam.
Shopping for your slush-brained conservative relatives can be frustrating; there’s room for just so many made-in-China red ballcaps amidst the doomsday prep kits and meth paraphernalia. Well, for the low, low price of $2,500, you can secure your favorite cultist their very own spot on the faux “grand jury” staged by a disgraced Elvis impersonator with a history of sexual assault, where everybody will play dress-up and pretend to indict Anthony Fauci. It’s like the Dunning-Kruger effect, only for dignity.
Y’know, you’d think it’d be obvious by now that there’s nothing less fruitful than trying to piece some sort of consistent, coherent ethical system together from the hypocritical drivel Mitch McConnell offers up to excuse his ruthless, amoral pursuit of power, but damned if the feckless, autofellating pundit class doesn’t insist upon wasting everyone’s time trying*.
I see Off-Brand Orbán wants us to believe it was only the Secret Service that prevented him from joining his loser hate mob in their march to the Capitol last January 6th, as though the whole world doesn’t remember what happened the last time he was called upon to Walk a Short Distance in Public.
Newly uncovered text messages reveal Don Junior’s hilarious certainty that the Attempted Assclown Autogolpe would swiftly prove to be both easy and peasy. Look, when you take a brain built from Trump family DNA and relentlessly batter it with cheap cocaine, you have to expect results like this.
Just as a little palate cleanser, please enjoy this video of Senator Brian Schatz taint-punting insurrectionist shitweasel Josh Hawley into another goddamn galaxy. God, I needed that.
It’s all so fucking exhausting, and I don’t even have a declining dictator lobbing bombs at my house. Lordy. Stay safe out there if you’re able, my lovelies. Oh, and if you pledged to my most recent comic book Kickstarter, your rewards are IN THE MAIL, so you’ve got that goin’ for ya.
*Remember, kids, Friends Don’t Let Friends Share Chris Cillizza Posts!