- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
It’s Probably Hard to Ace That Many Cognitive Tests Without Spiraling Into Megalomania, Honestly
“He’s been talking recently about how he is the most powerful person to ever live.”
Everybody working in the one-sentence horror story field can go ahead and retire.
On balance, I’m cheering for the brain rot to outrace the megalomania, though I suppose if Philadelphia winds up nuked, it doesn’t really matter whether the Mad King targeted his enemies or simply confused the football with the TV remote.
Yes, the news from the presidential cognition front remains rather grim, I’m afraid. The old poop can no longer remember the names of even the countries he’s started wars with, but you can’t expect What if Genghis Khan Were a Game Show Host to focus on such petty details.
No sooner had I composed the preceding paragraph than Grandpa mashed out the latest stanza of the epic poem he’s perpetually composing, praising his mastery of the dementia screening exams he’s taking with increasing regularity for…reasons.
Perhaps he can be convinced to dazzle us all with a command performance at the next Cabinet meeting.
“Person.”
Tulsi Gabbard ooohs a little too loudly.
“Woman.”
Not to be outdone, Marco Rubio begins to moan, as if aroused sexually.
“Man.”
Lutnick can no longer contain himself. YOU ARE LIKE UNTO A GOD, SIR, he bleats, collapsing to the floor, convulsing and speaking in tongues.
“Ca…ca…capybara? Toyota Camry?”
“Camera, sir!” whispers JD Vance ingratiatingly.
“Cameraaaaa…” And though the president nods off before getting anywhere near that fifth word, the room erupts in a standing ovation that doesn’t die down, even when Fox cuts away forty-five minutes later. We eventually learn that Markwayne Mullin was ultimately the first to stop clapping when he is entombed alive in the foundation of the ballroom.
Well, we knew he was a snake when we handed him back the nuclear codes. A snake and a rapist and a con man and a white supremacist and a sleep-farter and very possibly the single dumbest human being alive on the planet right now.
It hasn’t worked out, on a variety of levels. Levels like “inflation” and “civil liberties.” The illegitimate wingnut Supreme Court majority took their expected next bite out of the VRA, and Republicans throughout the South are already planning coming-home parties for Jim Crow.
Even Trump’s assassination attempts are shabby. Some dipshit rando who never got anywhere near his supposed target, even without the highest security protocols in place? How many of those did Obama shrug off? But then, Obama’s not a wuss.
WAHHHHHHHH YOU HAVE TO BUILD ME A BALLROOM NOW!!!
What? Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he’s obsessing over his Barbie Dreamhouse rather than designating the Democrat Party a terrorist organization, but this is not the conclusion of a well-ordered mind.
The entire institutional GOP swiftly agreed that yes, the tariff-and-war-battered American taxpayer should most definitely be forced to buy the billionaire grifter an oligarch-cave to prance about in. Given that polling shows voters are furious about the cost of living and understand full well who’s to blame, I think you kids should worry less about gerrymandering and more about guillotines.
Anyway, I say let the old fop build it. We’re clearly lurching towards a Norma Desmond-y climax here, and the moment demands an appropriate set. It all comes to a head during history’s least comfortable daddy-daughter dance.
Whatsamatter, strongman? Can’t even get a late-night television host suspended, let alone fired, anymore? Caved completely to Thom Tillis’ lame duck power play with Powell? Forced to pull your whackjob surgeon general nominee?
Why it’s almost like you’ve peaked. (Perhaps that’s what that smell is.)
I dunno, man. If you’re the most powerful person in history, why is your head stuck in that paper bag?
Like, the public hates the tariffs. The Supreme Court says the tariffs aren’t legal. The Dotard rolls out replacement super-tariffs, mostly for spite. This is a head-stuck-in-a-paper-bag-level problem.
Okay, so the Iran war is a little trickier.
Although I’m hearing it’s “terminated” now. I tried to explain to the fellow at the gas station how our studly coMANder in chief had so decisively terminated the war, but he still refused to lower the price. I thought I could get him to compromise, maybe toss in a Slim Jim for free, but no dice.
Oh, I see. That was just bullshit to avoid complying with the War Powers Act. Of course, by the time Alina Habba gets laughed out of court trying to defend it, Hegseth will have authorized a secret bombing campaign in Cambodia.
We should hang “Kid Rock Addressing the Pentagon” in the museum of our madness. You probably scrolled right past it at first. Dismissed it as AI or maybe an Onion article about the next phase of the Cabinet purge. “And a substantial upgrade, I’d say!” you chuckled smugly to yourself, enjoying being in on the joke, but no, it’s real. Of course it’s real.
No doubt the Secretary of War picked out extra-fun socks for the occasion. Lookit Pete, fangirling around in a helicopter with the visionary artist behind no less than three of Rolling Stone’s “Top Ten Albums to Do Meth To.”
All in all, I’ve been feeling pretty smug about the midterms, but that was before the greatest political mind of an era hit upon the idea of tacking the word “national” onto the front of Immigration and Customs Enforcement, so that the next time a nurse gets gunned down in the street for exercising their constitutional rights, it’ll be a masked, unaccountable NICE agent doing the gunning.
I mean…how’re you supposed to fight a branding genius?
I see the Golfing for Blood Money show is getting cancelled. Cutting into the journalist-dismembering House of Saud’s bonesaw budget, I’m told.
If you’ve ever wanted a drawing of a rapist on your passport, have I got news for you! In fact, your government has been spending god knows how much of your money to slap this rapist’s face on everything from banners to national park passes to, well…your money.
It’s for America’s 250th birthday, y’see. That’s entirely traditional, by the way. Nobody ever makes it to their 250th wedding anniversary, but if they did, you’re supposed to give them like, a painting or a tapestry or a cute little framed cross-stitch of a rapist. That one goes way back. To like, Two Corinthians.
Jimmy Comey thought he’d get away with selling seashells by the seashore, but he’ll pick his next peck of pickled peppers in prison, if Todd Blanche has anything to say about it.
They’re apparently talking about relaunching The Apprentice, starring Don Jr., for anyone who wants to watch foreign governments bribe the smooth-braindest of all possible nepo babies in order to procure U.S. government contracts.
And from there, it’s just a hop, skip, and a jump to History’s Next Most Powerful Person to Ever Live…
You can go ahead and play the Twilight Zone outro under that one.
Okay, friends. I’m gonna take next week off to catch up on comic book stuff. If you enjoy these rants, feel free to help me stock the beer fridge for this working staycation via PayPal, Cash App, or even Venmo. I’ve got an email list and a Xwitter account for those who remain unsatiated.
SPEAKING OF COMIC BOOK STUFF…I am still missing a bunch of Kickstarter surveys! Can’t send you your comics if I don’t know your address! Oh, and if you missed GENERAL WASHINGTON AND THE LIBERTY TREE #1, maybe just maybe there’s a whole new Kickstarter for #2 just around the corner…
Stay safe out there so you can find out, okay?
l just love you, Cap, and your neverending ability to find the humor in the madness. 🍻
Thank you, Cap, for your ingenious talent of finding humor during this attempted destruction of our country. Enjoy your time off.
Laughed my Corintians off!!!
Aw, dude! 🙁 Genghis Khan was like the opposite of a nepotism daddy; he wanted everything to be a meritocracy and even hired one of the top generals to fight against him, Subotai (no, not the second banana from the first Conan movie [whom I actually rooted for more; you KNEW Conan was gonna make it, but the sidekick? :-/), who continued to be amazing, only for He Who Leads All in Felt Tents now. ;->
And good ol’ Temmie (short for Temujin, GK’s birth name) would actually, y’know, THINK before a military “excursion,” and even fairly hard about it, depending on the circumstances. Just ask the satrap in charge of the Khwarazmian Empire ([https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Khwarazmian_Empire] a former subsidiary of Persia(TM)) — oh, wait, you can’t. Never mind… ;->
Ultimately, what all ol’ Temmie’s high-falutin’ conquerin’ was about (second biggest empire next to the British one, ’cause, y’know, Brits can swim…) was that he wanted to unite his people, and have them be a Real Little Country after all. More than 800 years later, the good folks over in Mongolia still revere him, probably more than we do with George Washington. 🙂
So let’s not insult the poor guy by comparing him to Trump, even for an instant. 😉 Who knows when he shall ride again! 😀
‘Markwayne Mullin was ultimately the first to stop clapping when he is entombed alive in the foundation of the ballroom.’
Loved this section.
Looks like the gap between your satire and drumpf’s actual actions is closing, Cap. How long before drumpf declares himself Emperor of America, with the full support of the SCOTUS? I give it a year.