- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Jokes About the State Gunning Us Down in the Street, I Guess
No doubt historians will remember The Week Where the Regime Change Wasn’t the Most Terrifying Abuse of State Violence as the healthiest of the entire American experiment. Tell the spirits of the Founders it’s okay to move on to the next plane of existence; we’ve got this “freedom” thing aced.
Like a cognitive test, baby.
Unless, of course, you believe in some sort of fundamental right to drive home from dropping your kid off at school without a masked agent of the state shooting you in the face. But that’s just commie talk.
Don’t worry; she was a terrorist. A dues-paying member of the massive conspiracy to transform your children, via vaccination, into transgender furries who shit only in litter boxes. One of the many busloads of Antifas lurking on the edge of your community even now, bedazzling bags of rainbow fentanyl.
Just like that lady they shot in Chicago was a terrorist. Okay, that one fell apart under the mildest scrutiny, so let’s say just like Kilmer Albrego Garcia was a human trafficker, not that we can prove that one in court, either.
Look, this dangerously undertrained goon squad has a lot of Americans left to execute in the street yet, so you may as well agree up front that every single victim will turn out to be a terrorist, folks, 100% of them, because our unaccountable secret police force doesn’t make mistakes, nosireebob, not after 47 whole days of training.
Why 47? You know why. Our government basically only does two things now: branding and bloodshed.
Anyway, should you feel like protesting this erosion of your civil liberties, well, maybe you can turn out to be a terrorist, too.
Might be interesting, I suppose. To think about all the cabinet secretaries you’ll have slandering you before your next of kin is even notified. “Golly, I wonder which social media posts Jesse Watters will use to demonize me to Fox’s prime-time audience?”
Why, maybe just maybe my murder might merit the attention of the Vice President of the United States of America. Maybe JD himself will waddle out, in blood-red eyeliner, to denounce me with the biggest lie he can muster. “Eating the pets was this guy’s idea, actually! He’s the Bin Laden of killing, cooking, and consuming beloved suburban pets.”
Yeah, instead of apologizing for killing you, your government rolls your corpse out for the Two Minutes Hate. One of the DOGE boys suggested this efficiency, I’m told.
We conquered Venezuela, though. Had to. Cuz of the dancing, you see. Can’t have that. Not in your sphere of influence.
Anyhoo, it’s ours now. The process is way simpler than you’d think. You give an order, they show you part of a Tom Clancy movie, and then everybody in a whole-ass country has to do what you say forever.
Plus you get all their natural resources. Oil, babes, whatever. Forever. Cuz you can always order another Tom Clancy movie, see? They don’t cost anything. Apparently.
This is the “Don-roe Doctrine” (another gem from the visionary name-caller behind “Gavin Newscum”) in action: via the mechanism of kidnapping, you simply cycle through heads of state until the law of averages delivers one willing to trade their nation’s mineral wealth for a handful of shiny beads. We could expedite the process with a pneumatic tube system connecting the various presidential palaces directly to GITMO.
So they staged Maduro’s perp walk pageant and felt like big, tuff men indeed. Understand, erections like this are hard to come by for a man with Pete Hegseth’s drinking problems.
Especially with Lindsey Graham bounding about like a Christmas morning puppy, yapping about all the wars he wants to start next.
Yes, though “Don’t worry, Marco Rubio’s in charge” is a perfect six-word geopolitical horror story, somehow these goofballs have convinced themselves this stuff is easy and they’re good at it.
So naturally they can’t wait to do it again.
Shit, make it a boys’ night thing, where ascendent American fascism’s pencil-pusher class can bump chests, and whoever imbibes the most appletinis gets to pick the next target. Cuba or Colombia or OOO OOO WE SHOULD TOTALLY INVADE GREENLAND YOU GUYS!
Sure. Let’s just do it and be legends.
Though I confess I’m having trouble mustering the requisite patriotic bloodthirst, which I attribute to the, how shall I put this…dorkiness? Of the propagandists? I can’t get worked up about being a “dominant predator” because of the “iron laws of the world” when the messenger is Andy Ogles or Stephen Miller. Because they are dorks.
Can we not end NATO on the whim of a deteriorating rapist, actually? I just thought the post-WWII order was pretty cool, on account of all the peace and prosperity, but…no, you’re right, we should listen to the fellow who is, after all, passing all the cognitive tests.
In fact, why don’t we give him this $600 billion budget increase he wants to build his “dream military,” which he shall then deploy hither and yon, restrained only by his “own mortality”? He just wants triumphal arches and as much of an empire as the cankles and/or the Constitution will permit, you guys.
Stop worrying so much. He’s just joking about canceling the midterms. He’s got all kinds of funny, funny jokes about mob violence and subverting democracy, and have you heard the one about Paul Pelosi and the hammer?
Let him go on seizing oil tankers and cutting off funding to blue states. Let him rub his filthy name all over our country and our culture, from the Kennedy Center to our national parks to the Smithsonian. Let him spill blood from Caracas to Minneapolis.
At a certain point, it’ll be enough, and he’ll stop. Surely. Susan Collins assured me he’d learned his lesson.
The official White House website debuted their grade school shoebox diorama attempt to rewrite the history of the Capitol Riot. They’ll paint Ashli Babbitt on the ceiling of the Oval Office before they’re through, but Renee Good was a terrorist. Got it.
Credit where it’s due, I’m officially Distracted From the Epstein Files. You know, the ones the government continues to illegally withhold. Yeah, I’m more worried about said government killing me now, so…nice work?
I kinda can’t wait to see which MAGA legal luminary gets the Maduro prosecution. I hope it’s Habba or the insurance lady, and that they stick with the accusations of heading that fake cartel they made up. Shit, if you draw Aileen Cannon, you probably get away with it.
I’m glad CBS’ rightward lurch is off to such an embarrassing start. Corruption should be humiliating, don’tcha think?
Understanding his bullshit case against Mark Kelly would get laughed out of court, Secretary Funsoxx announced that he would pursue petty bureaucratic retribution instead, restoring masculinity to the Pentagon at long last.
Kari Lake bought a condo in Iowa, hoping to repot her batshit brand under even softer light, no doubt. I think a Kari Lake statewide run would be an illuminating subplot to the Crowning of Prince JD, actually.
We’re about to see more kids with meningitis; that’ll be…gut-wrenching. Yeah, the brainworm guy wants more meningitis, so that’s what we’re doin’. Oh, and 2025 was the worst year for job growth since the pandemic, and over in the corner, you’ll notice Elon Musk rambling about “white solidarity,” so that’s enough news for one week, I think.
Chroniclin’ fascism makes me thirsty, so feel free to toss a buck or two into the beer fund (accepting Cash App, PayPal, and Venmo!), sign up on the email list, and follow @john_luzar. The Kickstarter for the new comic book is still taking late pledges for a little while longer, too!
But stay safe out there, friend. Stay safe.
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
You stay safe too! Things get crazier and more dangerous by the minute.
Ya know? I am not at all criticizing you, but most of this was not funny. Cleverly satirical, yes, but shit has reached the stage of being so utterly dark and disgusting and mind-blowing that it does not admit of the gales of giggles you were wont to produce in me all these many grim years.
These cucks have flown beyond the realm anything conceivably humorous.
The Hegseth-erection and NATO peace & prosperity jokes invoked grins from me that were bigger than wan grimaces: all thanks to you, Cap! Nobody but you can create humor out of this nauseating filth. It must be gut-wrenching for you to have to mangle the manure into jokes every time you post, but somehow you do. You will earn a crown in heaven for your relentless truth-telling, dressed up with a bow and ribbon of humor.
I second this entire comment
I third this comment. All my gobs have been thoroughly smacked, yet we come back to Cap’s Trough of Truth to guzzle some more, because the truth shall set us free. But first it will make us very, VERY angry.
Great Cap-been gone awhile but good to be back! Toronto
Excellent summation of the sh*tstorm we are being forced to endure from this rotten, criminal bunch of incompetent loons masquerading as an administration. Its extremely difficult to find anything remotely humorous about any of this insanity. If they keep up this criminal behavior they may just get the “insurrection” they are longing for but, like all of their endeavors, the outcome may not be what they were hoping for.
Keep it coming SC. Your commentary on this enshitification of everything from governance throughthe economy, science, culture and peaceful existence in the US should be required reading for High Schoolers for the next five hundred years.
Welcome back from after the holidays—glad to read your column again, Cap!
Thanks Cap. Even though all the joy has been sucked out of life by the narcissist you still find a way. Shit’s getting real and that’s just not funny. Thanks for the great work!
May the ShowerCap Blog always speak truth and satire to power. Keep it up, Cappy. E Pluribus Unum. And stock up on ammo.
May the Shower Cap Blog always tell truth and satire to power. Keep it up, Cappy. E. Pluribus Unum. May want to stock up on ammo.
Some things are impossible to satirize and the grim tone of this post had me envisioning you writing it while gritting your teeth and fighting back tears. Or maybe it’s just me. But then l’ve just seen the footage where that thug mutters: fcking b/tch after shooting a woman in the face with MAGAts thinking this somehow absolves HIM. So keep doing what you do, although it won’t be getting easier.
Thanks Cap
Cap, we’re with you. Hard to find humor in the midst of white-hot fury. Your summaries are invaluable; as I’ve said before, your blogs and HCR’s Letters from an American should be high-school history textbooks in future. Please take care of yourself.
After suffering a week’s worth of MAGAT shit, I find myself fantasizing violence on the fuckers. Luckily, reading your weekly tome walks me back from the ledge. I agree with previous posters about the lack of humor any longer…this is serious shit and it’s only gonna get worse unless and until congress grows spines/balls/courage whatever to stop it.
Suffering through 42C temperatures here in Australia, but good to see you back, Cap. Your posts make life a bit more bearable. As part of research for my current book, I reviewed the history of Josef Vissarionovich Stalin, once the boss of the USSR until his probable murder in 1953. Funny thing, his history and that of drumpf are very similar. Drumpf is doing everything that Stalin did, including multiple marriages, numerous affairs, retribution by trumped up (hah!) charges against all his enemies and lies so blatant, it’s hard not to laugh. Finally, Stalin spoke very poor Russian. Drumpf speaks very poor English. Stalin also had a terrible complexion from the pox that he needed make-up. Distant twins, I reckon.
Good to have you back, hope your holidays were relaxing. Frump and his cabal of incompetent ass kissers are deplorable, disgusting, deranged assholes. Our ‘government’ is a domestic terrorist organization, not representational anymore. Get involved where you live and prepare for the worst. Peace.