Whelp, in the last couple of days our dipshit President has been called a blustering chimpanzee by Jane Goodall, and a “dotard” by that one chubby, belligerent North Korean fellow. Accuracy notwithstanding, it makes one sad that William Shakespeare won’t get a crack at our artificially-tanned, inadequately-fingered, chief executive.

In other words, friends…shit be cray.

Anyhow, the Dotard Chimpanzee wants everybody to know that the whole Russia thing is a hoax, despite all the investigations and no-knock Manafort raids and whatnot.

Weirdly, this particular tweet came on the day when Homeland Security informed 21 states that “Russian government cyber actors” attempted to hack their election systems ahead of November 2016.

Anyway, we’re assured they weren’t at all successful, even though they targeted a bunch of swing states and the election was ultimately swung by about a football-stadium’s-worth of votes.

Sleep tight, is all I’m sayin’.

So, this Republican state representative in South Dakota figured that everyone would be all giggly and delighted by a little meme she shared about running cars into crowds full of protesters, because that’s what that Nazi terrorist did in Charlottesville, and if comedy has one golden rule, it’s that things Nazis do to murder people are universally regarded as hilarious.

It’s ok though. She issued roughly 38% of an apology. Consequences are for CUCKS.

Meanwhile Rambunctious Robert Mueller is apparently after ALL THE RECORDS these days, on the Comey firing, the Flynn firing, probably on the various crimes SCROTUS has committed against god-knows-how-many perfectly decent steaks.

In totally, completely, 100% non-related news, it turns out our ol’ pal Sean Spicer kept ridiculously detailed notebooks while serving as Press Secretary. Don’t worry Donnie, I’m sure it’s mostly a slam book about Scaramucci.

And Dorito Mussolini keeps talking about his cool new autocrat friend, Tayyip Erdogan, whose goons beat up some American protesters…again. Yeah, you’d generally expect the President of the United States to take sides with his own people against the foreign nationals pounding the crap out of them, but we live in…unconventional times.

Betsy DeVos officially implemented her long-anticipated Affirmative Action for Rapists Initiative. “We like our campus sexual assaults like we like our tax returns,” DeVos said, “Drastically underreported in service of maintaining established power dynamics!” Betsy’s just one short leap away from setting up free rohypnol dispensers at frat houses.

From Politico, we learned that Tangerine Idi Amin is stocking the Agriculture Department with random, comically under-qualified campaign holdovers. Once the wheels really start coming off this wagon, and the resignations start piling up, we’re gonna wind up with pizza delivery boys as Joint Chiefs, mark my words.

The Mooch went on the View to take The Dump on The Staff. Apparently he finds Reince Priebus dislikable, he thinks Sean Spicer was a liar (HOT TAKE THERE, MOOOCH), and says Steve Bannon has white supremacist “tendencies,” which makes it sound like he just occasionally burns a small cross in somebody’s lawn when he’s had one too many Zimas.

Well, it looks like the latest attempt to repeal the ACA and replace it with a Mile High Pile of Murder has run off the rails. Susan Collins is leaning no, John McCain gave Lindsey Graham the NEW JACK CITY Am-I-My-Brother’s-Keeper routine, and Rand Paul won’t support it unless it sends the poor to Dickensian workhouses or something.

We need three GOP “no” votes, and we’ve only officially got two at this moment, so it’s kinda fun to imagine the epic bribes Mitch McConnell must be offering Lisa Murkowski today. “We’ll make you Duchess of Kentucky, Lisa! We’ll make Marco Rubio dress up like a showgirl and dance for your amusement!”

Under most circumstances, repeating the same storyline over and over leads to diminished audience interest, BUT, speaking only for myself, I have a virtually limitless appetite for The Mitch McConnell Bets Big on Obamacare Repeal Only to Faceplant and Walk Away With a Giant Plate Full of Failure Show.

Not that this administration will do anything silly like embracing Obamacare or helping their constituents, or anything. Having significantly shortened the enrollment period and decimated the outreach budget, today we learned that they’ll be shutting down the enrollment website for twelve hours almost every Sunday of the already-abbreviated sign-up window.

It’s downright fuckin’ WACKY having a government that works so hard to keep its citizens away from the potentially life-saving health care they’re legally entitled to.

The (Failing?) L.A. Times informs us that the Marmalade Shartcannon went rogue during his bath-salts-and-adderall-fueled U.N. Speech, against advisor’s advice, which explains John Kelly‘s Patrick Stewart impersonation.

Of course, there’s no real reason to antagonize Kim Jong-un. It puts hundreds of thousands of lives at risk and accomplishes precisely Jack Shit. Sadly, our current head of state prioritizes “A bunch of strangers’ lives” significantly below “Showing off the clever nickname I just thought up.”

In other news, “Rocket Man,” is what passes for “clever” to the most powerful human being alive. Sssssssssigh.

Meanwhile, Princess Ivanka is trying to weasel her way out of a shoe-design-theft lawsuit by claiming she’s a fancy, important, government official, which is weird, because it was just the other day when she was saying how unreasonable it was for people to expect her to influence the President from her post as a Presidential advisor.

Tom Price keeps trying to explain his way around the 300-grand-and-counting private jet bill he’s dropped in the taxpayer’s lap (we can’t afford Meals on Wheels, but we have plenty of spare $$$$ to make sure Tommy Boy doesn’t have to get Poor on him when he feels like getting away from the office for the day.) Something about his demanding schedule, or the hurricanes, or, most insultingly/hilariously to “connect” with “real Americans.”

Speaking of cartoonishly corrupt fuckheads, WaPo informs us that EPA Chief Scott Pruitt has basically been on a not-so-secret-Santa tour lately, meeting with “corporate executives from the automobile, mining and fossil fuel industries” before eagerly doing their bidding.

I tell you folks, I’m practically CHOKING on the populism, there’s so much populism.

Anyhow, the guy who was allegedly so fabulously rich that he wouldn’t be beholden to wealthy special interest donors is getting his ever-ballooning legal fees paid for by…wealthy special interest donors! Boy howdy, if buying access to government officials happens to be your thang, you couldn’t hope to do any better than a septuagenarian grifter frantically scrambling to fend off a lifetime’s worth of comeuppance.

And if I told you one of these donors has a bunch of connections to Russian oligarchs, up to and including Uncle Vlad’s bud Viktor Vekselberg, you’d accuse me of really pushing the envelope with this whole collusion thing, right? “C’mon,” you’d say, “Shartboy paying his legal fees with Russian oil money? Is that really BELIEVABLE?”

Believe it.

Oh hey, a lion mauled a Nazi. That’s somethin’.

In other good news, it looks like Milopalooza at Berkeley has more or less collapsed. Weird that nobody wants to hang out with the “Pedophiles Are Actually Rad” guy.

Well anyway, because Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops was a very good boy and hasn’t praised any Nazis for almost week, John Kelly let him go down to Alabama for a rally. Allegedly, it was a rally for Senator Luther Strange ahead of Tuesday’s primary runoff, but Donnie made sure to let everybody know that he “might’ve made a mistake,” and would campaign for his opponent (Deranged Bull Connor cosplayer Roy Moore) if he lost, because LOYALTY. He played all the hits, from the classic “Lock Her Up” to the new, Rick Rubin*-produced “Rocket Man.” He was very high on Strange’s tallness.

He went after Colin Kaepernick, too. He’s probably just jealous, since Colin actually makes the charitable donations he pledges. Anyway, it’s really neat to have a President who thinks people should be fired for exercising their first amendment rights, innit?**

I dunno. My working hypothesis is that I live in the alternate reality where all the Star Trek characters have sinister mustaches and shit. I’m trying real hard to get back home to a place where things make some semblance of since, but until then…

…shit be cray.  Vote in the Goddamn Midterms.

*I don’t mean to disparage Rick Rubin.

** It is not actually “neat.” I say this because some folks on the internet have a little trouble with sarcasm.