Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
9 Out of 10 Lions Say Nazis Are Tasty as Fuck
Whelp, in the last couple of days our dipshit President has been called a blustering chimpanzee by Jane Goodall, and a “dotard” by that one chubby, belligerent North Korean fellow. Accuracy notwithstanding, it makes one sad that William Shakespeare won’t get a crack at our artificially-tanned, inadequately-fingered, chief executive.
In other words, friends…shit be cray.
Anyhow, the Dotard Chimpanzee wants everybody to know that the whole Russia thing is a hoax, despite all the investigations and no-knock Manafort raids and whatnot.
Weirdly, this particular tweet came on the day when Homeland Security informed 21 states that “Russian government cyber actors” attempted to hack their election systems ahead of November 2016.
Anyway, we’re assured they weren’t at all successful, even though they targeted a bunch of swing states and the election was ultimately swung by about a football-stadium’s-worth of votes.
Sleep tight, is all I’m sayin’.
So, this Republican state representative in South Dakota figured that everyone would be all giggly and delighted by a little meme she shared about running cars into crowds full of protesters, because that’s what that Nazi terrorist did in Charlottesville, and if comedy has one golden rule, it’s that things Nazis do to murder people are universally regarded as hilarious.
It’s ok though. She issued roughly 38% of an apology. Consequences are for CUCKS.
Meanwhile Rambunctious Robert Mueller is apparently after ALL THE RECORDS these days, on the Comey firing, the Flynn firing, probably on the various crimes SCROTUS has committed against god-knows-how-many perfectly decent steaks.
In totally, completely, 100% non-related news, it turns out our ol’ pal Sean Spicer kept ridiculously detailed notebooks while serving as Press Secretary. Don’t worry Donnie, I’m sure it’s mostly a slam book about Scaramucci.
And Dorito Mussolini keeps talking about his cool new autocrat friend, Tayyip Erdogan, whose goons beat up some American protesters…again. Yeah, you’d generally expect the President of the United States to take sides with his own people against the foreign nationals pounding the crap out of them, but we live in…unconventional times.
Betsy DeVos officially implemented her long-anticipated Affirmative Action for Rapists Initiative. “We like our campus sexual assaults like we like our tax returns,” DeVos said, “Drastically underreported in service of maintaining established power dynamics!” Betsy’s just one short leap away from setting up free rohypnol dispensers at frat houses.
From Politico, we learned that Tangerine Idi Amin is stocking the Agriculture Department with random, comically under-qualified campaign holdovers. Once the wheels really start coming off this wagon, and the resignations start piling up, we’re gonna wind up with pizza delivery boys as Joint Chiefs, mark my words.
The Mooch went on the View to take The Dump on The Staff. Apparently he finds Reince Priebus dislikable, he thinks Sean Spicer was a liar (HOT TAKE THERE, MOOOCH), and says Steve Bannon has white supremacist “tendencies,” which makes it sound like he just occasionally burns a small cross in somebody’s lawn when he’s had one too many Zimas.
Well, it looks like the latest attempt to repeal the ACA and replace it with a Mile High Pile of Murder has run off the rails. Susan Collins is leaning no, John McCain gave Lindsey Graham the NEW JACK CITY Am-I-My-Brother’s-Keeper routine, and Rand Paul won’t support it unless it sends the poor to Dickensian workhouses or something.
We need three GOP “no” votes, and we’ve only officially got two at this moment, so it’s kinda fun to imagine the epic bribes Mitch McConnell must be offering Lisa Murkowski today. “We’ll make you Duchess of Kentucky, Lisa! We’ll make Marco Rubio dress up like a showgirl and dance for your amusement!”
Under most circumstances, repeating the same storyline over and over leads to diminished audience interest, BUT, speaking only for myself, I have a virtually limitless appetite for The Mitch McConnell Bets Big on Obamacare Repeal Only to Faceplant and Walk Away With a Giant Plate Full of Failure Show.
Not that this administration will do anything silly like embracing Obamacare or helping their constituents, or anything. Having significantly shortened the enrollment period and decimated the outreach budget, today we learned that they’ll be shutting down the enrollment website for twelve hours almost every Sunday of the already-abbreviated sign-up window.
It’s downright fuckin’ WACKY having a government that works so hard to keep its citizens away from the potentially life-saving health care they’re legally entitled to.
The (Failing?) L.A. Times informs us that the Marmalade Shartcannon went rogue during his bath-salts-and-adderall-fueled U.N. Speech, against advisor’s advice, which explains John Kelly‘s Patrick Stewart impersonation.
Of course, there’s no real reason to antagonize Kim Jong-un. It puts hundreds of thousands of lives at risk and accomplishes precisely Jack Shit. Sadly, our current head of state prioritizes “A bunch of strangers’ lives” significantly below “Showing off the clever nickname I just thought up.”
In other news, “Rocket Man,” is what passes for “clever” to the most powerful human being alive. Sssssssssigh.
Meanwhile, Princess Ivanka is trying to weasel her way out of a shoe-design-theft lawsuit by claiming she’s a fancy, important, government official, which is weird, because it was just the other day when she was saying how unreasonable it was for people to expect her to influence the President from her post as a Presidential advisor.
Tom Price keeps trying to explain his way around the 300-grand-and-counting private jet bill he’s dropped in the taxpayer’s lap (we can’t afford Meals on Wheels, but we have plenty of spare $$$$ to make sure Tommy Boy doesn’t have to get Poor on him when he feels like getting away from the office for the day.) Something about his demanding schedule, or the hurricanes, or, most insultingly/hilariously to “connect” with “real Americans.”
Speaking of cartoonishly corrupt fuckheads, WaPo informs us that EPA Chief Scott Pruitt has basically been on a not-so-secret-Santa tour lately, meeting with “corporate executives from the automobile, mining and fossil fuel industries” before eagerly doing their bidding.
I tell you folks, I’m practically CHOKING on the populism, there’s so much populism.
Anyhow, the guy who was allegedly so fabulously rich that he wouldn’t be beholden to wealthy special interest donors is getting his ever-ballooning legal fees paid for by…wealthy special interest donors! Boy howdy, if buying access to government officials happens to be your thang, you couldn’t hope to do any better than a septuagenarian grifter frantically scrambling to fend off a lifetime’s worth of comeuppance.
And if I told you one of these donors has a bunch of connections to Russian oligarchs, up to and including Uncle Vlad’s bud Viktor Vekselberg, you’d accuse me of really pushing the envelope with this whole collusion thing, right? “C’mon,” you’d say, “Shartboy paying his legal fees with Russian oil money? Is that really BELIEVABLE?”
Oh hey, a lion mauled a Nazi. That’s somethin’.
In other good news, it looks like Milopalooza at Berkeley has more or less collapsed. Weird that nobody wants to hang out with the “Pedophiles Are Actually Rad” guy.
Well anyway, because Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops was a very good boy and hasn’t praised any Nazis for almost week, John Kelly let him go down to Alabama for a rally. Allegedly, it was a rally for Senator Luther Strange ahead of Tuesday’s primary runoff, but Donnie made sure to let everybody know that he “might’ve made a mistake,” and would campaign for his opponent (Deranged Bull Connor cosplayer Roy Moore) if he lost, because LOYALTY. He played all the hits, from the classic “Lock Her Up” to the new, Rick Rubin*-produced “Rocket Man.” He was very high on Strange’s tallness.
He went after Colin Kaepernick, too. He’s probably just jealous, since Colin actually makes the charitable donations he pledges. Anyway, it’s really neat to have a President who thinks people should be fired for exercising their first amendment rights, innit?**
I dunno. My working hypothesis is that I live in the alternate reality where all the Star Trek characters have sinister mustaches and shit. I’m trying real hard to get back home to a place where things make some semblance of since, but until then…
…shit be cray. Vote in the Goddamn Midterms.
*I don’t mean to disparage Rick Rubin.
** It is not actually “neat.” I say this because some folks on the internet have a little trouble with sarcasm.
Some of your best work here: “We like our campus sexual assaults like we like our tax returns,” DeVos said, “Drastically underreported in service of maintaining established power dynamics!”
I’m laughing while my heart is slowly breaking into a million pieces.