- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Look, I’m Sure Milli Vanilli Ghosts Lots of Superpowers
Hello, friends. Forgive my longer-than-expected absence. It’s just that, well, I fancy myself something of a humorist, and to wind up so overwhelmingly, effortlessly out-satired by the very target of my ridicule…it’s been humbling.
GOD, IT WAS RIGHT THERE!
I think we can skip the cognitive screening this week, Walter Reed! Although if he’s already there for the cankles or the death splotch or the narcolepsy or the incontinence, I suppose you may as well. He’s always so pleased with himself after the bit with the animal drawings, and wins are getting harder and harder to come by these days.
Sloppy old fop’s neglecting the economy he wrecked and the war he botched to focus on his birthday party, and he can’t even pull that shit off.
Technically it’s America’s birthday party, but spoilers: any and all presents are destined for Mar-a-Lago restrooms. For example, officials from the Department of Idolatry propose a new $250 bill, intended as legal tender for all bribes, hush money payments, and tariffs on imported Russian hooker pee…guess whose face is on it?
When your starting point is The Best We Could Do is Milli Vanilli, you’d think there’d be no way to sink any lower, but these people are impossible to underestimate. Looks like the nation is in for a deep dive into Vanilla Ice’s oeuvre, because apparently Bret Michaels is washing his hair that night.
The humiliation somehow hasn’t slowed the remodeling bender. Shoot, they’re spending so much money gilding and/or rubberizing everything in sight I worry there won’t be enough left in the Treasury to compensate those poor domestic terrorists for that justice they all too briefly faced.
And we wouldn’t want to cheat any insurrectionist child molesters out of their settlements, would we? Shoot, I’d volunteer to pay extra taxes if I weren’t getting fucked six ways from Sunday by the tariffs and the war and the inflation and the corruption.
Although I think I saw someplace that the Iran War ended in total, glorious victory, and hey, if we have to pay a massive bribe to reopen that one strait that was already open before the war we started, just remember the preferred denomination is “pallets of cash.”
Luckily we can afford all these payouts to theocratic regimes and violent seditionists and horse statue gilders because of how strong the economy is. Pay no attention to the inflation report behind the curtain, please. Or to the consumer sentiment survey in the coat closet. It goes without saying how impolite it would be to mention the revised GDP numbers protruding from beneath the bed in the guest room.
No, all things are both hunky and dory. In fact, war is so fun n’ easy we might just blow up Oman next. They got any o’ them “straits” in Oman? Somebody oughta check on that.
You know you’re living in a healthy democracy when Cabinet meetings contain enough ass-kissing to merit statistical analysis. In this day and age, one probably shouldn’t write “it turns out Marco Rubio has the brownest nose,” but the numbers don’t lie.
Speaking of the Cabinet, it seems Markwayne Mullin is finally getting his jackboots under him, rolling out a breathtakingly idiotic plan to divert international flights from (blue) cities who fail to show sufficient deference to the nurse-murdering agents of ICE. We’re lucky the Dumocrats aren’t in charge because they might prioritize the economy over spite, and then where would we be?
I enjoyed my first night of sound sleep in I don’t know how long, secure in the knowledge that steely justice had FINALLY caught up with public enemy number one, E. Jean Carroll. I don’t understand how people can bring children into a world where a woman can sue Donald Trump JUST BECAUSE he raped her.
I’m kinda sad I missed my chance to say Well, Bye to Tulsi Gabbard and Bill Cassidy, but at least I made it back in time for the sad, sputtering end of John Cornyn’s long, feckless meander through the halls of power. John may not’ve been much of a senator, but perhaps we should judge him as a walking exemplar of the theory that weak men create hard times.
Despite rare squawks of independence, Cornyn was a reliable enough stooge, but I guess he just hadn’t helped enough child molesters evade justice to suit the Texas Republican primary electorate. No, Ken Paxton, fraudster, adulterer, traitor, and cake thief, proved more to their liking. They take their Christianity real serious down there.
And James Talarico may not’ve put any pedophiles back on the street or betrayed any constitutions, but he sure is a sissy and a nancy boy and lots of other things I can’t quite say again yet, but just you wait till term three, libtard.
Yes, the Texas Senate race is to be a referendum on masculinity. Stephen Miller and Jesse Watters have convinced themselves of that ground’s favorability, and I am not inclined to interrupt them. Especially amusing of Miller to appoint himself keeper of that particular gate, given that he’s such an ugly little fuck.
Cosmetically, of course, he’s like if a wax dummy of a Xenomorph jerked off on Eva Braun’s ashen remains, but the real ugliness is inside.
Katie Miller hoped to ride the week’s discussion of her mate’s ugly fuckhood to the MAGA griftosphere celebrity that has thus far eluded her, but earned only mockery. I imagine it’s tough to get ahead when everyone assumes you have some horrifying STD that only an exorcist can cure.
A federal judge ordered the Dotard’s filthy name scraped off the Kennedy Center, triggering an unusually embarrassing meltdown from the all-time career leader in embarrassing meltdowns. He may launch nuclear strikes if his new man-crush (NY Giants QB Jaxson Dart) doesn’t return his increasingly desperate texts.
Rapist Jr. must’ve inherited Daddy’s deal-making genes. How else do you explain the uncanny foresight to randomly invest in a random startup that randomly received a $620 million loan from the Pentagon after random arm-twisting from a random White House official named, like, I wanna say Ron Vara?
Following Kash Patel’s thirsty hockey incursion, professional sports teams have learned to dork-proof their locker rooms, and thus was Vivek Ramaswamy repelled from the New York Knicks’ victory party. The impulse to glom onto someone who doesn’t spend their days marinating in loserstink is certainly understandable in this political climate.
Shit, it wasn’t so long ago we were a superpower. We won two world wars and put a man on the freakin’ moon. One game show host later, we’re such a shithole that Milli Vanilli backs out of our semiquincentennial.
Lordy.
Okay. I would once again like to gently remind any Kickstarter backers who have yet to answer their surveys to please do so that I might mail you the comics you bought! They are wonderful comics, and I want you to read them for many reasons, not the least of which is that it’s just about time to start promoting the Kickstarter for issue #2.
If you can’t wait that long to send me money, I understand completely and have established a tip jar accepting PayPal, Cash App, and Venmo for just such emergencies. You are also welcome to join my email list and to follow @john_luzar. No matter what, please-o-please stay safe out there, old chum…
“Department of Idolatry” Damn, that’s funny! Love your hard work, Cap. 🗞
IT’S NOT DUMOCRATS, IT’S DEMONRATZ!
Too bad Milli Vanili won’t be there; seems only fitting to have lip syncing cheats perform for another notorious fraud. Great as usual, Cap. 🍻
I’ve become convinced that this period in our history will be known as our darkest, rivaled only by the Civil War that had at least a few of the leaders with some integrity. I think “A horrifying STD that only an exorcist could cure” needs to be etched on the tombstone of this putrified administration and the GOP sycophants who enabled it.
Agreed…that one line made my Saturday morning!
Time to upgrade the Rogues Gallery. Most of the current “line up” have either died (literally or figuratively), been shitcanned for insufficient sliminess, or are soon to be put out to pasture. Fortunately, there are enough frightful Rethuglikkkans available to continue to frighten small children at night.
I agree!
You are all the better for your brief break, Cap! Thanks for making laughter out of the evil chaos.
Always brilliant and hilarious Cap, but I wish you hadn’t done that “We won both World Wars” stuff. America’s entry into the first one extended an already won conflict, sending a small group of barely trained troops in the closing weeks and if anything, was a direct cause of WWII. And the US late-entry performance in WWII was amateurish, according to those who were there from the start.
Sorry to be a bit critical this time, but that claim annoys the hell out of the people who actually did win the wars.
Thank you for this. I adore our patriots and don’t speak ill of them, but we do need to remember that those who write the winning stories always do so from a biased perspective. We Americans are always telling taller tales of Empires Conquered and Gained when preaching our own history than perhaps a faithful re-telling might support, and we tend to leave out the cost of those walked over, tilled under, and laid waste in order to fill our pomposity to its best possible position. Patriotism is one thing, the re-telling of the accomplishment overall and only by us, is something different to my mind.
It’s ok. We may have been late for world wars one and two, but it looks like we’ll be bang on time for world war three – although which side we’ll be on remains unclear.
I blame quite a few of that on our media; considering our good buddy and ally Josef Stalin started showing how awful he actually was to everyone shortly after 1945 meant that our movies after then, especially, were all about how WE headed up D-Day (er, actually, no; wasn’t our idea), how WE won in North Africa (also no), how WE turned the Nazi tide all by ourselves (a lot of that was actually the Soviets draining off most of Hitler’s armies…), etc.
I do think we’d have more claim to that kind of fame in a sense if we’d gotten off the damn dime way earlier (but a LOT of people in this country at the time lovey-dovied them some Hitler, and vice versa [https://www.cracked.com/article_23252_5-awful-ways-america-influenced-hitler-without-knowing-it.html {good article; seriously, check it out!}]; one of the Axis’ biggest mistakes was Pearl Harbor); Hitler and the Germans had kind of been in love with “bigger ist better! :D” for awhile, but that only counts now if you’re talking about production capabilities or square miles (U.S. and USSR respectively). A country in Central Europe the size of the state of New Mexico or Montana ain’t gonna be able to out-produce us.
Likewise, we really should’ve gotten off our damn hands way earlier than we did in WWI; we didn’t have the excuse of “nah, already did that” to get off that hook. Not sure that we did that much near the end there, but we might’ve ended it earlier if we’d jumped in when Canada did. Of course, so would Turkey having joined the Allies vs. the Central Powers; they messed up there (“Ooh, Janni, did YOU bet on the wrong horse…”). X-P
As far as directly contributing to WWII, sorry; I still blame my UK cousins and the French for that one with the Treaty of Versailles. Given all the extremely mucked-up, convoluted treaties and mutual defense pacts and so forth rattling around in Europe beforehand, one li’l oopsie would’ve upset the apple cart anyway; it wasn’t Germany’s fault exclusively (could be that the UK and France were still freaking out about them finally unifying in the 1800s), but they were the ones that got all the blame heaped onto in a way they’d barely be able to do anything about. So, yeah… :-/
Cap, I hope I’ve gotten my completed survey off to you; if you could include a link to your Kickstarter page for that, that would be awesome! 🙂
Joni, Shamaballa, Nancy, many thanks your reponses to my post. Much appreciated.
Just wanted to say “hey” to a fellow Cracked fan. I will check out that article!
I highly recommend it! 😀 One thing I love about them is that they generally have more links to more legitimate references than Wikipedia had dreamed of; I think Wiki learned from them, frankly. ;->
And it was a bit dismaying, that article, but I recognized most of them already. :-/
Thank you Cap for this sliver of sanity amidst the madness. I had never wondered what it would be like to read 1984 during the Dark Ages but I now I get to live it. Cheers!
Oh, the whole beginning of this, Cap! I just sank in and loved it all….Dept. of Idolatry indeed….which one would that be? Seriously, on any given day, there could be a few serving in that role! I shall miss poor John Cornyn…sad old man though he be, and who knew James Talarico was such a sissy pant nancy boy? And I did miss Tulsi Gabbard and what’s-his-face leaving — thanks for catching me up. The new one I really liked down toward the bottom was Rapist Jr. had a nice sense about it. Makes me wonder why Rapist Sr. missed the wedding last weekend? You’d have thought there’d have been some good opportunities there or something but maybe not, who knows. Or maybe Rapist Sr. had something better lined up at the golf club? Wasn’t that part of the story before? I mean, many people have said…. I dunno but I’ve heard…
Anyway, Cap, thanks as always. You stay safe out there, too! We need ya.
Joni
What I’d heard was that the reasons he wasn’t gonna be there at (one of) his son’s WEDDING were:
a) He had an assassination attempt to stage;
b) The Spirit of Golf, that seductress, was wafting over to him like in one of those old-fashioned cartoons and drifted him away (“You’re working too hard, poor soul. Let Golfy soothe all your jangled nerves, hero. I’ll let you cheat on me however much you want.”);
c) The new daughter-in-law is the kid of someone mentioned in the Trump-Epstein(TM) Files (my God…they bred… :-/);
d) Bahamas has a long-standing “No felons allowed here!” policy, so he couldn’t’ve gone anyway ;->
My bet’s on D, but that’s just me… ;->