I know I can’t be the only one out there who keeps the Hamilton cast recording on in the car, just as I’m surely not the only one who shouts “oh go fuck yourself” every time they get to the part that goes “look around, at how lucky we are to be alive right now.” Read the goddamn room, Hamilton.

There must be some kind of unofficial competition between Republican officeholders, to see who can indignantly shriek the nuttiest gobbledygook in the wake of a school shooting. And like, I grok that Republicans instinctually, unquestioningly circle the wagons around any proffered talking point, however ridiculous, (the Kochs train ‘em well) but all this sputtering, fake outrage about the unforgivably bounteous number of doors threatening our children’s safety…how do you get through that shit without giggling, or, y’know, melting into a puddle of shame?

For that matter, how many pens do you have shove up your fucking nose before suggesting the problem isn’t guns, but smartphones? Do they not have smartphones in Europe, Congressman?

But the trophy (a bronzed urinal, surely, overflowing with ivermectin and hooker piss) goes to Wisconsin’s official State Idiot: Ron Johnson, who I’m certain would lose a spelling bee to a yak. “Why are we even talking about gun control when the true mass-murderer of innocent children is HUNTER BIDEN’S LAPTOP DERP DERPY DERP”  To even allow such a preposterous thought to congeal, let alone to express it, in front of recording devices…if dumbfuckery is an art form, RoJo is its Picasso.

Another giant in that field would be Louie Gohmert, who actually went on television to lament, “If you’re a Republican, you can’t even lie to Congress or lie to an FBI agent or they’re coming after you,” in the latest of ten thousand headlines I initially dismissed as satire. Nobody ever got rich overestimating Louie’s intellect, Cap.

Sure, there’s a certain schadenfreude to the spectacle of treacherous crotchfungus Mo Brooks’ feverish groveling to procure an un-un-endorsement from his moth-chewed loser god, but it kinda gives me the embarrassment shivers, and anyway, boot-licking isn’t what I’d call an admirable leadership trait in the best of times, but in this era of ascendant fascism, well…

Have you seen the skeevy little freak Wee Donnie One-Term hitched his wagon to in the Arizona Senate race? Blake Masters burst onto the national scene this week with a barrage of batshit conspiracy theories and unapologetic bigotry, so you know Cult45’s gonna love him, and I’m suddenly much more interested in Mark Kelly’s reelection campaign, aren’t you?

By the way, a new poll shows nearly 7 in 10 members of the Party o’ Personal Responsibility™️ have found solace from their shortcomings in the pathetic, racist lie known as “great replacement theory,” quite possibly because of the politicians and pundits who pour it down their willing throats 24/7.

(At the risk of escalating partisan tensions, lemme address the tiki torch crowd real quick: kids, replacing you is actually a highly rational act. Look at yourselves. You suck. You absolutely fucking suck. It’s not some zany coincidence that domestic terror organizations recruit from the same pool of angry, weak-minded losers that make up the ISISes of the world, y’know.)

Speaking of, seems our old friend Marjorie Taylor Guam hired pedophilia apologist Milo Yiannopoulos as an intern, so you know that office water cooler is set to become the spot for trendy young Washington fascists to see and be seen. Anyway, yeah, Nazis congregating on the staff of a U.S. Representative, that’s probably suboptimal.

And while we’re on that distressingly specific topic, a Republican candidate for the United States Congress got caught straight up praising Hitler, and with a lead-in like that, I bet you think this paragraph couldn’t get too terribly much darker. Oh, my sweet, summer child. Y’see, Carl Paladino, manifestly unfit for office even before we heard him refer to Adolf Hitler as “the kind of leader we need today” on account of how “inspirational” he was, boasts the endorsement of one Elise Stefanik, the fashiest lil’ climber you ever did see, and the House GOP’s third-ranking leader.

We’ve normalized some pretty freaky shit in this country over the past half-decade or so, but I feel like cutting the guy who goes, “What we need is a Hitler!” loose shouldn’t be a particularly hard call. Now, it seems fairly obvious that anyone who fails to clear that low, low moral hurdle shouldn’t get a seat at the table where laws get made, but I bet saying so counts as “critical race theory,” so I expect Ron DeSantis’ shock troops to break down my door any minute now.

Meanwhile, Michigan Republican gubernatorial candidate Ryan Kelley got arrested by the FBI for misdemeanors committed at the Capitol Riot. And yeah, it feels like low-hanging fruit to jocularly insinuate these charges will lead to a surge in the polls and the endorsement of the 45th President of the United States, but it also feels like a headline we’ll see before next Wednesday.

Wouldn’t it be cool to live in a country where this shit was disqualifying? The racist, violence-inciting conspiracy theories, and the criminal assaults on our fundamental democratic rights? Where a psychopath like Doug Mastriano gets laughed out of the building, instead of winning his primary?

Is this a bad time to bring up the political assassination in Wisconsin? Or do we only have time for the above-the-fold domestic terrorist violence this week?

Yeah, let’s move on to January 6th, since Bennie Thompson and friends finally began unveiling their VH1-style Behind the Insurrection doc.

Or, if you’d prefer to remain snug in a propaganda bubble where the Big Lie reigns unchallenged and horse dewormer cures all ailments, I’m sure there’s still plenty of room up Tucker Carlson’s ass.

Heck, you didn’t think the leechlike Murdoch clan went to all the trouble of radicalizing millions just to relinquish control of the narrative after one teensy-weensy death cult uprising, didja? Still, taking Liar Tuck’s White Power Hour commercial-free for the evening, lest the drones accidentally stumble across reality whilst seeking refuge from the monotony of MyPillow ads? Zombie Orwell tips a rotting cap to such sinister eye for detail.

Also, Off-Brand Orbán’s free speech mosh pit, “Truth Social,” can’t seem to stop censoring posts about the hearings, while simultaneously platforming his desperate deluge of disinformation, and who, I ask, in my best Newhartian deadpan, could have predicted such ethical inconsistency from a Devin Nunes venture?

‘Course, if I’d cravenly compromised away as much integrity and decency as the modern American Right, I’d live in mortal terror of mirrors, too. It must be damn near impossible to stand the sight of yourself, when you’ve the done the things that, say, Mark Meadows has done.

The simple, unavoidable truth is, these feebleminded asshats pulled a metric fuckton of insane, criminal, utterly immoral shit, in a concerted if deranged effort to end American democracy, and seize power for themselves in perpetuity. And I just think that sort of thing ought to be discouraged is all.

Supreme Court Justices’ wives should not be pressuring 29 state-level lawmakers to thwart the electorate’s will, for example. And if your cause is truly just n’ pure, there shouldn’t be any need to plot in “complete secrecy,” surely. By the time folks start spitballing about hiring armed “contractors” to seize voting equipment, I feel as though one’s moral compass should be fully anthropomorphized and screaming at you to get your shit together.

But no, you not only stayed aboard the crazy train, you offered the goddamn Proud Boys and Oath Keepers a ride, and they did what bloodthirsty neo-fascist thugs do when handed a permission structure and institutional cover: they tried to take what they wanted by force. Which was the plan all along, hence the seditious conspiracy indictments cluttering up the joint lately.

Y’all built a lynch mob that waged war on Capitol law enforcement, with officers “slipping in people’s blood” defending your collaborating asses, and after a brief, frantic scramble for pardons, you once again absolved yourselves of any wrongdoing, and went straight back to work inciting the next murderous maniac, and the next one and the next one and the next one. God damn you one and all.

Ron DeSantis may not be particularly interested in keeping his constituents alive, but he always keeps an eye out for a new front to open in his vindictively regressive culture war, as he seeks to claim the White House on behalf of the fearful and mediocre. The Tampa Bay Rays, the Special Olympics, parents who love their children…there’s plenty of room on Ron-Ron’s enemies list, and heaven knows his supporters have more than enough hatred to go ‘round.

Oh, incidentally, DeSantis’ casually anti-Semitic press secretary, Christina Pushaw, got caught working illegally as a good, old-fashioned, Manafort-style, unregistered agent of a foreign autocrat. America first tho.

With his dreams of epic conquest largely dashed, Vlad the Miscalculator has settled into a reduced set of goals more befitting one of his petty thug stature; he’s basically just a dolphin-killing grain smuggler now, and I bet his mom sure is proud.

And while headlines reading Yup It’s Still Hell on Earth Over There test the limits of our battered collective attention span, we can’t forget about the folks defending freedom on the front lines of this worldwide madness outbreak, because they’re fighting for you and me, too. Apathy is the tyrant’s BFF, you know; they go to brunch together and drink mimosas and gossip about all the people they’d like to throw into camps.

So rest up, Resisters, looks like there may be a bit of work ahead of us. I myself am juuuuust about ready to fall into the waiting arms of a six pack of Boulevard and The Boys From Brazil, because I’m in the mood to watch a few Nazis get fucked up, for some reason. Stay safe, m’loves.