With the passage of the GOP’s reconciliation bill in jeopardy, House Republican deficit hawks held fast to their principles, ultimately resulting in fiscally responsible legislation that balances the budget for the first time in nearly…hang on, that’s not right.

With the passage of the GOP’s reconciliation bill in jeopardy, House Republican moderates held fast to their principles, defending their most vulnerable constituents from devastating cuts to programs they rely on for their veryyyyyyyyy nope, that’s not it either.

Okay. Let’s take one more crack at this:

With the passage of the GOP’s reconciliation bill in jeopardy, House Republicans of all ideological stripes briefly emitted a variety of theatrical squawks before capitulating at the first hint of pressure from their Fashy Daddy, who, in their defense, does control a massive mob of demonstrably violent psychopaths.

Shit, the only member of the entire dang caucus who actually believes anything is Thomas Massie, and he’s out of his fucking mind.

And sure, the One Enormous, Pus-Swollen-and-About-to-Burst Bill adds trillions to the debt while stealing health care and food assistance from millions, but thanks to the billions in tax cuts for the ultra-wealthy, Harlan Crow should be able to give Clarence Thomas a real nice Xmas this year. Three dolls at the very least.

As is the custom, the marketing strategy for this latest shit sandwich relies heavily upon big, fat, stupid lies. Karoline Leavitt, for example, claimed the bill saves $1.6 trillion, and since she’s filled the Briefing Room with drooling weirdos who’d rather ask about the “Clinton body count” than anything occurring in actual reality, the Children of the Candy Corn may well go on believing this crap right up until the hospital in their rural community closes.

So now the bond market is freaking out, and oh look, Grampa’s firing up his trade war again, so there goes the Dow. Goodness knows where we’re supposed to find all these hundreds of billions of dollars to super-size ICE or to build that “Golden Dome” to protect us from all the missiles no one is launching.

I’d say we could tap into some of that $10 trillion in investments from the Dotard’s recent trip to the Middle East, but of course that’s all fake, too.

Deploying those hospitality instincts honed by decades in the hotel industry, Off-Brand Orbán ambushed another head of state in the Oval Office, this time South African President Cyril Ramaphosa.

Yeah, the way we do diplomacy now is Stephen Miller prints out a couple memes, lies to his boss about what they mean, and snickers in the back of the room while Donnie Dumbshit bleats about “white genocide.” And then we get a few days of headlines about, like, Easily Duped President Causes International Incident Over Totally Fake Shit (Yes, Again).

At the risk of sounding judgmental, MAGA Nation’s response to President Biden’s cancer diagnosis forces me to question the sincerity of their loudly professed devotion to Christian doctrine. Which is funny, because I was questioning it just the other day, when they were all pitching fits over the “woke Marxist Pope.” Oh, and that time they elected an adjudicated rapist president.

Seems Elon Musk finally learned that while money can’t buy love, it’ll get ya a heapin’ helpin’ of the opposite if you’re not careful. Retreating from Washington in defeat, Musk announced that he’s giving up political spending, instead devoting his resources to building an AI that can figure out how to get people to buy cars from a mass murderer of children.

I think we need to order a round of cognitive tests for the wingnut SCOTUS majority, who can’t seem to stop themselves from enabling authoritarian power grabs, this time granting Trump’s “emergency” request to fire the heads of independent agencies. Like, has the decade of increasingly violent lawlessness been too subtle for y’all? And even if it has, couldja at least stop refueling the flamethrowers these creeps have trained on our Constitution? Maybe? Please?

Failed congressional candidate Joe Kent, now working as Tulsi Gabbard’s chief of staff, took it upon himself to doctor some intelligence reports because those spoilsports at the National Intelligence Council wouldn’t give Tangerine Idi Amin the excuse he wanted to deport makeup artists to foreign gulags.

Naturally, Joe’s in line for a promotion to head the National Counterterrorism Center, where he’d be free to interpret those reports howsoe’er he pleased, killjoys be damned. Sleep tight.

Devastating tornadoes killed dozens, but I guess Trump’s FEMA was washing its hair that night, because they sure as shit didn’t show up for any disaster relief. Josh Hawley couldn’t even join the partisan slap fight during the Noem hearing (more on that in a minute) because he needed that time to beg for aid.

In saner times, they’d call this Trump’s Katrina, and it’d be a massive scandal, with wall-to-wall coverage, particularly as these communities suffer while he parties with the lucky winners of the Memecoin Bribe Sweepstakes, but I suppose, boiled frogs that we are, no one really expects competency or decency anymore.

Oh, and he’s still denying FEMA aid to North Carolina in the aftermath of Hurricane Helene? Which apparently merits barely a mention in the national news media? Man, I gotta get me one of them personality cults.

ANYWAY. Kristi Noem. Homeland Security Secretary. Constitutional Scholar. Poet.

Alllllll over the news this week, taunting deported migrants and Ivy League universities, doling out polygraph tests during paranoid meltdowns; how does she even find time for those fascistic photo shoots?

Her Latin may be a bit rusty, however.

I think it would be cool if the nation’s most powerful law enforcement officials possessed a rudimentary knowledge of, or even interest in, our most fundamental rights, don’t you? Big part of why I vote Democrat.

The Turd Reich yet again escalated its war on Harvard, banning the university from enrolling international students. I figure we’re about two weeks away from stories about Hegseth losing $60 million jets in the Charles River.

…or perhaps crashing them into Asbury Park, NJ, now that Bruce Springsteen has been declared an enemy of the state. As it happens, I got invited to the Signal chat where they’re planning the Boss’ arrest and deportation (I used to cat-sit for Kid Rock’s meth dealer), and I think it’s going down soon. Someone using the handle “DefinitelyNOTPete” just posted, “Meet me tonight in Atlantic City, warfighters.”

Looks like th’Deep State™️ got to Patel and Bongino, who’ve enthusiastically joined the Epstein cover-up like common sheeple and are no doubt shuttling Ghislaine Maxwell between extradimensional pizza parlor basements even as we speak. Man, at this rate, JFK Jr.’s NEVER coming back.

Maybe somebody should do a wellness check on Nancy Mace? She’s still awful, of course, but perhaps sharing naked pictures of yourself during an official hearing isn’t the healthiest choice.

My biggest concern about the $5 million federal payout to loser rage cult martyr Ashli Babbitt’s family is that it could touch off a wave of copycat terrorism, with MAGA parents nudging their subpar offspring towards radicalization and violence for personal profit.

I see Alina Habba has decided to try her hand at political persecution, lobbing some bullshit charges at Rep. LaMonica McIver, after grudgingly dismissing the even bullshittier case against Newark Mayor Ras Baraka. I haven’t seen Jesse Watters this excited since he last indulged in the forbidden pleasure some men call “soup” (in private, of course), because he’s apparently forgotten what a comically bad lawyer Habba is.

Incidentally, turns out Jesse has a brother in eggshell flimsy masculinity: Congressman Tim Burchett, who shares his debilitating fear of (ominous music) drinking from straws. Yeah, guys, Jesse Watters is manly, and Republicans care about the deficit, and habeas corpus means whatever the heck you want it to. Sure. Whatevs.

Gonna drink my beers through a straw this weekend, just cuz. If you enjoyed this lil’ rant, why not toss a few bucks into my beer AND STRAW fund, now accepting Venmo, PayPal, and Cash App? Or you could always follow @john_luzar, or sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com. But whatever you do, stay safe out there, my friend…