- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Moses Supposes Erroneously (Yes, Again)
We’ve been living through the stubbornly persistent golden age of conservative bumblefuckery for some time now, but I predict Speaker Johnson’s work in the field will ultimately stand up alongside the greats. Brownback. McCarthy. Reeves. Perhaps even the Dotard himself.
Hear me out. Mike has squeezed an impressive amount of fuckup into a young career. More failed rules votes than any majority in half a century? Not just anybody can fuck up that hard, y’know. That’s talent.
He’s starting to figure out that you’re allowed to pull bills before they fail on the floor, which counts as progress, I suppose, but he sure as shit isn’t passing anything.
Well, that’s not entirely fair. He did finally pin down the one, precise moment in time when his ever-shrinking flock of fuckwits could sneak their Mayorkas impeachment vote through. So the important stuff’s getting done.
The Mayorkas impeachment is perhaps best understood as a taxpayer-funded platform for Marjorie Taylor Greene to bleat from, while Clay Higgins rants about ghost buses and his prophetic wife’s stupid, stupid dreams. They envision all this unfolding as one big, happy campaign ad, and I’m inclined to let them play their hand.
Fuck yes. Show America how the sausage is being made, or not made, by the sofa-humpingest weirdos who ever got kicked out of Arkham Asylum for harshing the vibe.
Like House Intelligence chair Mike Turner, who ran naked through the halls of Congress, pulling fire alarms while hollering about the mine shaft gap. Or how about Moses himself inviting an insurrectionist bigot to play House Chaplain for a day? All while George Santos bangs on the glass, taunting the inmates with his Cameo wealth.
Oh, and Democrat Tom Suozzi flipped the New York third back to the good guys, perhaps explaining the custom EXPEL DEEZ NUTS t-shirt Santos wears in that security footage of him pissing on Anthony D’Esposito’s lawn last night.
I wonder if the House Ethics Committee members tasked with combing through Matt Gaetz’s text messages for evidence of sex trafficking will ever feel clean again? Hey, remember that time that one rapey, proto-fascist loudmouth brought down the Speaker of the House of Representatives? American history. Wild shit.
Anyway, I guess a bunch of House Republicans are retiring, probably because they’re worn out from all that legislative productivity. Golly. Hard t’believe anybody would want off such an awesome train.
Meanwhile, poor, dumb Jimmy Comer’s star witness just got indicted for lying to the FBI. Also this week, the very foundation of Dinesh D’Souza’s donkey documentary proved equally fraudulent. Kinda like when Fox’s entire justification for piping the Big Lie into millions of American households turned out to be the baseless musings of a self-professed “cactus artist.”
And wouldn’t it be awesome if any of that mattered? To the audience that guzzles this crap by the gallon, I mean? No, Fox and co. simply exercise their First Amendment right to completely fucking ignore these stories, and the Gospel According to the Cactus Lady spreads unchecked.
The best thing about Donald Trump in court is the way he always loses. From defaming and terrorizing the woman he raped to the attempted theft of the whole dang executive branch, it’s been consistently therapeutic, watching this human shithole fail.
$453.5 million. Oooooowee. I imagine that stings a little extra when you’ve spent your life artificially inflating your net worth. Actually, there’s a chance this all winds up with E. Jean Carroll battling the State of New York for custody of Lindsey Graham.
(Normally, Lindsey’s groveling would scarcely merit comment, but since he’s betraying what were allegedly core principles these days, I suppose it’s worth stopping to sneer. Y’know what? I bet it’s a huge relief. Like stumbling out of Room 101. )
Realizing the Children of the Candy Corn probably don’t have $453.5 million worth of NFTs left in ‘em, the Dotard installed his Petty-defiling daughter-in-law as official Donation Redirector at the RNC. Addressing her new staff for the first time, Lara Trump explained, “Daddy needs it for his rape bills,” before demanding their wallets, purses, and jewelry.
Anyway, with his first criminal trial set to join the cavalcade of legal faceplants, Off-Brand Orbán took a quiet moment to ogle some high school girls while he still can, just in case the plan to hide out in the Oval Office till the heat dies down falls through.
Actually, there’re a whole lotta plans for the Turd Reich Restored scenario, most of them terrifying. A nationwide abortion ban, of course. Stephen Miller is to receive his own personal, private, immigrant-hunting army, while NATO is to be fed, bite by bite, to Donnie’s pal, Vlad, who was so tickled upon receiving this invitation that he decided to splurge, and murder his most prominent domestic opponent.
That said, you have to admit, the Deep State sure knows how to throw a psyop. That halftime show was football at its satanic best; Taylor Swift expertly transplanting Joe Biden’s brain into Travis Kelce’s young, virile body, laying all age-related concerns to rest once and for all, was almost as much fun as Donald Trump losing another $453.5 million dollars.
..but not quite.
Michigan State Rep. Josh Schriver responded to losing his staff and committee assignments for espousing the white nationalist Great Replacement theory by espousing the white nationalist Great Replacement theory even harder, as hard as his subpar white boy heart could, in fact. It was pretty embarrassing.
Actually, I was flipping through the blueprints for the next Jade Helm stage, and it turns out there was a plan to replace Josh, but nobody was able to find a paperweight quite lumpy enough.
Joe Rogan is platforming something called “AIDS denialism” now, because I guess we’re finding new things to refuse to believe all the time. 1 in 7 likely Republican primary voters demand the public burning of any and all library books containing Galileo’s blasphemous heliocentrism filth, for example.
I’d like to offer Tucker Carlson my heartfelt congratulations on his new post as Putin’s official Ministry of Tourism Spokescuck. Tucker says Moscow is way better than any city in dumb ol’ America, a land of plenty where the woke are hunted for sport.
Hey, why not put all that fish stix money where your mouth is, kid? Lead the MAGA exodus across the sea to this white nationalist paradise, with its science fiction shopping cart technology. Yeah, you get to be Moses now. Last fella didn’t work out. I’m sure Pootie has plenty of jobs for y’all in his growth economy.
So I guess Huma Abedin is dating George Soros’ kid, which hit the MAGA internet like a jackpot after twenty years of pissing paychecks away on the slots. The old ones say their union is destined to produce the libtard Antichrist, who shall do battle with JFK Jr. at the halftime show of next year’s Super Bowl, right after Tay-Tay leaves Travis for a life of unmoist chastity in Ben Shapiro’s harem.
I’ll leave you with that image. For a couple weeks, actually. Gonna take next week off, to celebrate my (yikes) 45th birthday. Yikes.
So consider this the BIRTHDAY BEER GRIFT. Observe the candles adorning the rattling tip jar, yea the very tip jar that now accepts PayPal, Venmo, AND Cash App. Or sign up on ye olde emaile liste at showercapblog.com, or follow @john_luzar on Elon’s toy Titanic. Or do none of those things. Even though it’s my birthday.
(Sadly, it turns out pre-orders for the CEX run of Marguerite vs. the Occupation are not going to be a thing after all. Technical issues beyond my control. I’m told you’ll be able to place orders when the physical books arrive in a few months. I’ll keep you posted. Sorry ‘bout the hassle. I am beyond grateful for your support.)
See you in March! Do stay safe out there, if you’re able…
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Happy Birthday
the happiest of birthdays to you. live it up to the utmost, and long may you wail.
Happy Birthday Cap! Have some extra beers and party down !
Happy birthday, friend! Enjoy the week off, although please keep a few notes if something big happens like the Second Coming of Christ should the Supreme Court manage to pull collective heads out of collective asses — you know which ones need to be pulled out! — and rule that tfg never did get to play at king/ dickytator and won’t legally get to do it should it be allowed anywhere near the Oval Office again. Anyway, have a momentous birthday…I fondly remember my 45th a few decades ago…and have all the beer you want, and some cake, too. All shared with family and good friends!
You’re just a kid, Cap. Actually you were born right when l had graduated highschool and was getting ready to move out west. My youngest nephew is about your age, born on the 9th of the month. You are wise beyond your years, for sure, but l’m sorry you didn’t get to enjoy the prior decades of the 60s and the 70s the way l did, to help offset the right-wing toilet Reagan worked to install over the course of the years you were growing up in America
Anyway: have a wonderful birthday celebration and thank you for help keeping me sane with your spot on wisdom and wit.
Well Happy Birthday my luchador-masked friend!
Getting older is not as scary as I once thought, having recently crossed the line marked ‘67’, although I’m not a fan of being forced to think about body parts/functions I was once blissfully unaware of even having. Party hard, my dude!
I have to admit, the cringe inducing performance by Tuck the Cuck was hands down my favorite slice of recent right wing embarrassments, and there’s been so much to pick from. A veritable buffet of buffoonery hiding the awful possibility that we may yet achieve American Fascism in my lifetime. Truly a shitshow from end to end.
Well, wish I could help you celebrate in a more personal way but I’ll have to rely on Ye Olde Suds Grift.
Enjoy my friend and hurry back. With any luck there will be even more juicy dumbshittery to report upon your return!
Lara Trump with more screen time will kill me. I can’t look at her without thinking “Janice the Muppet” (google her). Yikes! Happy birthday, young man!
Happy birthday Cap and many more! Cheers
Happy Birthday Cap, great to see back in the swing of things
We should all hand out accolades and encouragement to the MAGA-minded for all the stupidity they are so hardassed about. We will never be able to defeat them without their help, so we should insist on letting them have the MAGAPHONE and encourage them to continue by all means necessary!
Happy birthday friend!
I just sent a double sawbuck for your birthday. Spend it wisely, on beer.
As the world circles the drain, it brings out your best. I loved the “Singin’ In the Rain” reference, very impressive for a youngster like you.
Enjoy!
45. Lucky you. Right when it all starts to fall apart – but luckily for us, not your sharp wit and caustic sense of humor.
I just sent a double sawbuck for your birthday. Spend it wisely, on beer.
I loved the “Singin’ in the Rain” ref, impressive for a youngster like you. Miss you next week as the world spins even more out of control.
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday, Cap! Gosh, I would LOVE to be 45 again!
Happy Birthday! You are just a puppy, so no yikes. I know because I’m 79 and facing the big 80. Sense of humor still in tact in spite of the MAGA menace. Keep up the good work, dear one.
Happy birthday, Cappy! Remember, you’re as old as you’ve ever been and as young as you’ll ever be all at the same time.
Happy Birthday Cap! Sent you a little something to help you deal with Botox Brain Barbie and her crime family.
Happy birthday, dear Cappy! And remember: You’re as old now as you’ve ever been and as young now as you’re ever going to be, all at the same time.
Just wondering: Next time I have a nocturnal emission, should I expect a citation from Alabama charging me with 100,000, okay at my age, 50,000, counts of murder, manslaughter, child abuse, or neglect?