Der Postmeister Postmaster General

Der Postmeister Postmaster General

Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.

Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool

Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool

Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.

Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates

Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates

There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.

Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist

Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist

To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.

The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us

The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us

Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.

Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot

Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot

When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

Secretary of State

Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL

BILIOUS BILL

Attorney General

William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.

And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA

PRINCESS IVANKA

Daddy’s Little Girl

Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

First Lady

So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

On the Execution of Puppies, and the Legal Immunity of Narcoleptic Rapists

Friday, April 26th, 2024

I’ve decided to compose a comedy of manners/courtroom thriller about our topsy-turvy times. My working title: The Drowsy Rapist. Perhaps The Chilly Rapist. The Drowsy, Chil- no, that’s too much.

ANYWAY, there’s this rapist, who commits bunches and bunches of crimes on top of the rape, including an honest-to-goodness attempted coup, and this idiot death cult that thinks the rapist should be President.

It’s a REALLY cool cult, you probably can’t get in. Gosh, how can any of us look at the life of dignity and universal respect Bill Barr leads without seething with envy? Getting publicly humiliated by a rapist game show host looks so, so rad, and I just wish SO HARD that I was you, Bill.

So the rapist is on trial, for a few of the dozens of crimes he’s committed, and he keeps nodding off during the trial and allegedly farting in his sleep although rumors of actual pants-shitting are lies planted by the Clinton Foundation operatives who killed Seth Rich.

It’s certainly not hard to understand why this particular rapist inspires such fervent devotion.

He is being air conditioned for our sins, you know. And are the unflattering courtroom sketches depicting a dozing, unnaturally hued old fop not a modern-day crucifixion?

All he does anymore is fall asleep (but definitely not shit himself) and complain about being cold, while down the road, the Supreme Freakin’ Court ponders granting him absolute criminal immunity, or at the very least delivering a massive in-kind contribution to his flailing campaign, in the form of a desperately needed delay of one of his other criminal trials.    

How many crimes does this one, specific rapist get to commit? I’m willing to compromise. Tell you what, we’ll do a punch card system. Every ten felonies, you get a free one. Considering he’s facing exactly 88 counts (for now) that works out rather tidily.

It’s fuckin’ wild, watching the rapist’s strip mall attorneys argue he has the legal right to not only overthrow the government, but to assassinate anybody who doesn’t like it.

This rapist who can no longer remain awake.

We must grant him these powers for the restored Reich to come, you understand. He has big plans for that power, and many of those plans are *technically* criminal. Sure, he’s lost a step, but he’s still got a coupla rapes left in him.

As you’d imagine, MAGA Nation is handling all this rather poorly, though I find myself uncharacteristically sympathetic. You’ve spent the better part of the last decade worshipping a turd, and now the turd is melting in the harsh light of day, and of course it’s embarrassing. Shouldn’t’ve worshipped that turd in the first place, though. That’s on you.

Jesse Watters practically begged viewers to see not the impotent flopping of a deflated, declining narcissist, but King Kong in a cage. Sure, and he’s a “style icon,” too. He’s strong and he’s smart and he never said to drink bleach just inject disinfectant and anyone who says otherwise is a filthy libtard commie sheeple.

…and yet every time I look at my phone, he is either asleep, or waving physical printouts of Fox News stories, complaining about the temperature in the courtroom. Can somebody please get the God Emperor a blanket?

At least nobody seems particularly interested in rioting on the doddering old coot’s behalf these days. That’s downright encouraging. Perhaps they’re deterred by all the seditious conspiracy convictions. Perhaps they are too mortified to show their faces in public. I certainly would be.

He’s trying so desperately to conjure another riot, too, (when he’s awake, that is) whimsically evoking Charlottesville, insisting there’s an adoring throng, just off camera, clamoring for his release, bear-spraying the odd law enforcement officer.

Not so tough without yer lynch mob, are ya, Donnie? Whole lot more folks turning out to vote for Nikki Haley in your primary, in fact, than to protest for your sad, sloppy self anymore.

Should the American electorate prove sufficiently brain-broke this November, Junior n’ Eric are to serve as “loyalty czars” during the transition back to kakistocracy. Executive branch staffing overseen by Beavis and Butt-Head in jodhpurs…well, we’d deserve it.

So I guess Kristi Noem murdered a puppy.

That’s what she says in her book, anyway. Some speculate this may be a ploy to gain favor with the famously dog-despising Drowsy Rapist, in the authoritarian groveling Olympics some call th’veepstakes. Not the worst strategy, honestly. No doubt Byron Donalds will be crushing hamsters on Newsmax by Thursday.

Any history textbooks that don’t dedicate at least half a page to the Kristi Noem Executed a Puppy news cycle would fail this nation’s precious children. People need to understand how weird and gross and stupid everything was.

The Consequences Fairy doesn’t need the map app to find Rudy Giuliani’s house anymore, y’know? Rudy earned a fresh set of indictments, alongside several of the usual suspects, plus a few new faces, for his role in the Arizona chapter of the fake elector scheme.

Gosh, they sure do commit a lot of crimes, don’t they? These would-be greatness restorers?

For example, here’s a headline reading “Kevin McCarthy Protege Under Investigation For Sexually Assaulting Daughter.” How strange that so many (alleged) sex criminals find themselves drawn to this rapist-led resentment cult!

Speaking of Matt Gaetz, he seems to’ve fallen off a few colleagues’ Xmas card lists. Tony Gonzalez called him a “real scumbag” (Geppetto checkmark) who “paid minors to have sex,” (depends who ya ask) earning the enmity of the feral Freedumb Caucus, who were already pissy over letting down their genocidal buddy, Vlad.

The Ukraine debate seems to’ve finally forced House Republicans to ask themselves, how do you solve a problem like Marjorie Taylor Greene? Easy. A FUCKING STRAIGHTJACKET. Dems did their part when they stripped her of her committee assignments; you gave ‘em back. You are bad at making decisions, and that is not our fault.

I do enjoy watching the Putin wing of the GOP fail, even if it means being nice(r) to Mike Johnson for a week. I therefore proclaim thee…Marginally Superior to Kevin McCarthy! Some hurdles are low enough for even you, Mike, congratulations. Why, I bet none of your protégés commit incestuous sexual assault.   

Riding a wave of Not Fucking Up For Once, Speaker Moses decided to insert himself into the white-hot center of the campus protest issue, which went super well, he made lots of new friends.

Predictably, all the wannabe autocrats’re clawing and biting for a corner of the spotlight, competing to be seen calling for the violent suppression of speech. You always get grade A ghoulishness outta Cotton and Hawley during times of civil unrest, but I imagine it’s Greg Abbott who gained the most in the eyes of the discerning proto-fascist, because speeches n’ op-eds are all well and good, but they cannot hold a candle to footage of uniformed officers beating up people you hate.

Melania has appointed herself Duchess of LGBTQ outreach for her sleep-farting rapist husband’s bid to regain power. Gotta fill the time somehow, I suppose.

Wanna hear something funny?

Jimmy Comer wants to run for Governor.

Heh. Hah. Hahahahahahahahhhhhhhhhh

Like, there’s kakistocracy and there’s KAKISTOCRACY, y’know? I cannot recollect a single James Comer story since he became a national figure under McCarthy (inspired leaderin’ there, Kev!) where he failed to come off like a drooling, overmatched bumpkin. And after a year and a half of punching himself in the dick on C-SPAN, he expects voters back home to put him in charge of the whole dang STATE.

And y’know what? They just might. MAGA voters make bad choices, nowhere more so than in the voting booth. Governor Comer? Why the fuck not? Future generations might wonder how, precisely, Kentucky managed to break loose from the continental United States and fling itself into the sun, but we who lived through it will simply shrug and say, “that’s just what red state voters wanted back then.”

Like, Louisiana Republicans advanced a bill that would “repeal a law that requires employers to provide a 30-minute meal break for minors who work at least five hours.” That’s what the GOP is for now. Rolling back child labor laws, and whatever that one rapist wants. The rapist that’s sleeping (and allegedly farting but absolutely positively not shitting himself) through his porn star hush money trial.

Tom Petty-defiling RNC Co-Chair Lara Trump announced plans to dispatch poll workers to illegally “physically handle ballots” in all 81 states, so maybe whatever’s wrong with Eric is transmitted sexually?

Let’s check in on our freshly hatched Republican Senate candidates real quick. Wow, let no one claim Tim Sheehy is taking the anti-Semitic vote for granted. Eric Hovde could learn a thing or two from Tim, perhaps even the Pledge of Allegiance.

If you hate your own brain and want it to die screaming, you can always watch Tucker Carlson reject the theory of evolution on Joe Rogan’s podcast, I guess. Didja see Mitch McConnell pick a fight with Tucker, during the Ukraine aid debate? I confess I felt a transgressive little thrill, backing Yertle for once. Go GIT ‘im, Mitch! Fuck him right up!

If you’ll allow consecutive positive paragraphs about Republican Senators, let me say I sincerely hope campaign season offers up a steady stream of drolly withering Mitt Romney put-downs.

Especially since the George Santos comeback tour has, heartbreakingly, been called off. They were negotiating with J.R. Majewski about coming on as the opening act, too.

What happened was, a bunch of sponsors had to pull out. The NRA. Project Veritas. Why, even Jim Hoft’s Th’Gateway Dipshit has declared bankruptcy. It’s hard times out there in the wingnut griftosphere. Everybody lost their shirt on Trump Bucks and NFTs and Trump Media stock and honestly how do any of these people have money left to feed themselves at this point?

Anyway, I’ve got some puppies to exec-I MEAN BEER TO DRINK. If you enjoyed the post, you are welcome to leave a few bucks in the tip jar, I spend all the money on bullets to shoot puppies wit-I MEAN BEER. The puppy bullet jar takes Cash App, PayPal, and Ven-I MEAN THE BEER JAR TAKES CASH APP, PAYPAL AND VENMO!

Or you can follow @john_luzar over on Elon’s Shattered Plaything, or sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com if you feel so inclined. Until we meet again, stay safe out there, especially if you are a very young dog in South Dakota.

Der Postmeister Postmaster General

Der Postmeister Postmaster General

Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.

Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool

Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool

Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.

Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates

Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates

There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.

Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist

Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist

To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.

The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us

The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us

Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.

Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot

Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot

When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

Secretary of State

Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL

BILIOUS BILL

Attorney General

William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.

And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA

PRINCESS IVANKA

Daddy’s Little Girl

Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

First Lady

So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

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