Well, this time, the Secret Service caught the little dipshit before he could get any rounds off, but honestly, if you don’t get to wear a ceremonial ear diaper, does it even count as an assassination attempt?

Anyway, we’re supposed to cut it out with the “rhetoric” now, about the military cemetery-defiling adjudicated rapist who tear-gassed peaceful protesters in Lafayette Square, because pointing out that he’s a threat to democracy JUST BECAUSE he tried everything he could think of to overturn the election he lost, up to and including inciting a lynch mob, might endanger him further, which is no laugher matter, unlike that time Paul Pelosi got attacked by a hammer-wielding psychopath, that was hilarious.

Look, political violence is always, always wrong, most especially when it would cheat the world of the party we’ll get to throw when that soft, sloppy sack of shit dies in prison. That’s when JFK Jr.’s coming back, y’all, flying a plane carrying Prince, Tom Petty, and a couple dozen enchanted, bottomless kegs. Do not fuck that up for the rest of us, we fucking well deserve it.

All Elon Musk wants to know is when’s somebody gonna get around to shooting at some Democrats for a change? To his credit, he did stop shy of offering his legion of incel fanboys a bounty (or fifty percent off a blue checkmark for six months, anyhow) to do the deed, which I suppose might score him a point or two during his forthcoming interrogation by the Secret Service.

(Of course, the Dotard will never serve a day behind bars, not with his own personal, pet Chief Justice working pro bono, but we may as well enjoy the fantasy. Oooo, I just decided the guards found him in the fetal position, orange jumpsuit bunched up around his ankles, one tiny hand clutching his withered, dusty member; the other, Ivanka’s senior yearbook portrait.)

The Lügenpresse would have you believe JD Vance has been spewing racist lies, for they fail to appreciate the brilliance of his strategy of “creating stories,” about a horde of tabby-devouring Haitians, in order to draw attention to real issues, such as the increased murder rate in Springfield, Ohio, caused by the surge in admittedly-not-pet-eating migrants.

“But that’s not true either!” you protest. Ha ha ha! Poor fools! Do you not see, Vance has cleverly concocted a story-within-a-story! The pet-eating lies were the shiny bauble to capture your attention, the murder rate lies drew you into the labyrinth, where you, you sad, deceivéd libtard, would have no choice but to face the inconvenient truth, that while these migrants may be neither noshing upon Rover nor murdering anybody at all, they’re certainly spreading diseases like HIV at a rate unseen in poor, besieged Springfield!

…which is, of course, also entirely untrue.

Ah, but only now do you begin to appreciate the intricately structured fiction JD has woven, lie collapsing into lie, like a doughy, subpar, white boy fractal, leading to the ultimate truth, not about Springfield, or its essentially upstanding migrant community, but about the Republican Party’s nominee for Vice President of the United States: that he is racist trash, who would happily see residents of the state he represents terrorized by a hate mob before abandoning his vicious little fabrication.

He knew it was bullshit from the very start, by the way. Seems the hogwash that launched a thousand bomb threats originated with a single police report, from a single citizen sleuth, who found some meat in her yard, and, with Holmesian precision, deduced, “why, this meat belongs to my very own kitty-cat, butchered by the Haitian neighbors!” from the available clues, which included, “I have temporarily lost track of my cat’s whereabouts,” and “I am an incurable bigot.”

Pretty airtight, you’ll agree. That the cat was later discovered, uneaten, might give one pause, sure, but don’t let me interrupt you if you were menacing a grade school or anything.

What’s tragic is, Vance wasn’t always such an unrepentant hatemonger, though he’s actually attempted to delete any evidence of that. Anyway, when he’s not siccing white nationalist harassment mobs on his own constituents, JD likes to unwind by plotting the reversal of Obamacare’s protections for Americans with preexisting conditions, and, you know, the sofa thing.

The moment we’ve all been waiting for finally arrived, when Donald Trump unveiled the vulnerable minority group he plans to blame for his imminent electoral defeat. Can I get a drum roll please? Oh wow, this envelope sure is sealed tight, gimmie a sec…okay, got it. And the scapegoat issssssss…JEWS! Obviously, they were heavy favorites. This is Jews’ 2,539th consecutive win in this category.

Golly, there’s so much hate in the news these days, it’s kinda depressing. We could use a lil’ palate cleanser, don’tcha think? Some kitten videos, or OOO WAIT I KNOW! Wanna hear something adorable? Mike Johnson tried to pass a funding bill this week! He held a widdle pwess confwence an’ everything! I’m sure he’ll navigate the Dotard’s shutdown threat with grace and aplomb, like the big, tuff House Speaker he is!

Somehow, in between all the trials and golfing, Off-Brand Orbán found time to launch his very own cryptocurrency, (RapeCoin) which has to be the grifter singularity. Money invested in Trump crypto isn’t merely lost, it disappears entirely from this plane of reality, as though it never existed at all. For pity’s sake, at least get an NFT out of it, ya rubes.

Should he prevail in November, Mark Robinson would become America’s first Black, Nazi Governor, though I personally wouldn’t commission artwork for the commemorative stamp just yet. Maybe something nice and Rockwell-y, of his sister-in-law pissing on him during anal intercourse.

Mark apparently mused that slavery should be brought back, so he could “buy a few,” which gives him something in common with Minnesota state Representative Jeff Dotseth. Now, nobody likes the rule of three more than me, but there’s no way we’d get three pro-slavery statements from Republicans in just one short wee-hang on, I’m being handed an update…

Anyway, seems “Pastor” Robinson enjoys Mein Kampf almost as much as getting peed on by his sister-in-law, which is to say…a lot. Yes, we’ve learned a great deal about Mark this week, for example: he’s learning German, he has an Ashley Madison account, and he will not be the next Governor of North Carolina.

In contrast, all Matt Gaetz did was take a 17-year-old high school junior to a “drug-fueled sex party.” Super gross for sure, but no pee, no Hitler. I mean, obviously, throw both of ‘em into a deep, dark hole in the ground. I assume there’re differences between the Nazi hole and the pedophile hole, but I’ll leave that to Dante.

Former Turd Reich Spokesfascist Sarah Huckleberry Slanders attempted to shame Vice President Harris for her (biological) childlessness, claiming her own children “keep (her) humble,” which, um, no. No they do not. Demonstrably. You could occasionally detect the faintest hint of embarrassment in Sean Spicer’s demeanor, but Sarah’s sneering disdain for the truth is about as close to humility as the White Sox are to playoff contention.

Trump Administration EPA officials illegally retaliated against whistleblower scientists, who obstructed the return to American Greatness™️ with killjoy reports finding new chemicals “caused miscarriages and birth defects in rats,” along with similar petty complaints. I mean, how’re we supposed to develop mutant powers without chemically induced birth defects, ever think of that?

When the texts chronicling this misbegotten stretch of American history are written, the phrase “Rudy Giuliani utterly failed” will appear more than once. Hell, historians will link those four words to a hotkey, saving hours of labor. “Rudy Giuliani utterly failed to book the Four Seasons.” “Rudy Giuliani utterly failed to realize he was in a Borat movie.” “Rudy Giuliani utterly failed to walk ten steps during the RNC.”

Anyhoo, his latest utter failure was to “establish personal jurisdiction” in the nuisance defamation lawsuit he filed against President Biden, but next week could be literally anything. Maybe he gets his dick stuck in something, perhaps a toaster, perhaps an owl, who can say? It’s the magic of Rudy Giuliani!

Look, we’ve all been misconstrued from time to time, and Rich Lowry stands before you today asking to be judged not by the slur which may or may not’ve been peeking coquettishly out the door of his subconscious, but by the years of ignorant garbage he has written and published, much of which has been every bit as racist, but, y’know, way politer. Six of one, half dozen of the other, says I.

Melania Trump asks, “Why do I stand proudly behind my nude modeling work?” I really don’t care. Do U? “Why has the media chosen to scrutinize my celebration of the human form in a fashion photo shoot?” she continues, citing scrutiny which is occurring nowhere on Earth. Given her ol’ ball n’ chain’s insistence that there was an audience at the debate he just lost, I’m starting to think maybe narcissistic hallucinations are sexually transmitted.

Speaking of the debate, I guess some folks need conspiracy theories to explain the Manchurian Manchild’s self-immolation, which I suppose makes sense, because “the game show host I worship proved incapable of resisting the bait he knew in advance his opponent would dangle” must be a difficult thing to say to the mirror.   

Near as I can figure, an ABC whistleblower alleged collusion between the network and the Harris campaign, died in a mysterious car accident, and had their face eaten by Hillary Clinton and Huma Abedin in a satanic ritual, all without ever existing in the first place. Neat trick. Good enough for Ted Cruz, apparently. 

In a party where your presidential nominee uncritically platforms the fabrications of literal, actual neo-Nazis, it can be difficult to stand out as unusually hateful, but I guess Louisiana Senator John Kennedy likes a challenge.

Like the abandoned-in-a-dumpster love child of Joe McCarthy and Foghorn Leghorn, John managed to squeeze a genuinely impressive number of Islamophobic stereotypes into a brief, TV-friendly window during a Judiciary Committee hearing, culminating in telling the Arab American witness he was berating, “You should hide your head in a bag.” The hearing was on hate crimes, incidentally, which, it appears, the Senator is for.

On his Senate campaign website, Eric Hovde describes himself as a “classic entrepreneur,” who “made a career out of rolling up his sleeves, getting businesses back on the right track, and building for the future,” oddly omitting the “smuggling $26 million worth Mexican drug cartel money over the border by airplane” part, most likely because his sleeves were buttoned at the time, surely.

Neuticles, the company that manufactures cosmetic testicle prosthetics for neutered dogs, announced a massive expansion into southern Lebanon, wonder what that’s about?

Ok, I definitely nailed the whole toned-down rhetoric thing. I think we can all agree, the real threat to democracy is the emptiness of my beer fridge. If I’m forced to spend even a moment of this weekend sober, the terrorists win, so if you care at all about freedom, toss a buck or two into my tip jar, now accepting Cash App, PayPal AND Venmo!

Or, share this rant on social media, follow @john_luzar over on Elon’s fashy playpen, or sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com for free! Until we meet again…stay safe out there, m’lovelies…