You could almost forgive the wingnut disinformation apparatus their lazy-yet-brazen (brazy? blazen?) attempts to photoshop Joe Biden into a senility crisis, considering how difficult it must be to find footage of their own candidate where he isn’t waving at imaginary crowds, unsuccessfully attempting to read at a third grade level off a large print teleprompter, or raping somebody.

Hell, why not? This is an audience that talked itself into consuming medication designed to deworm livestock, what’s left of ‘em anyway. They’ll swallow whatever shit you shovel and ask for seconds. Go hog wild.

But if we’re gonna turn this thing into some sort of mental acuity death match, my money’s on the guy who understands that a cognitive test isn’t something you “ace.”

“Trump challenges Biden to a cognitive test. Mixes up name of doctor.”

Another one of those headlines that proves whatever god that’s been fucking with us has a sense of humor.

…and then the next ten pages of the newspaper are about the entire institutional Republican Party sucking that dude’s butt. Dude who can no longer navigate the already preposterous act of BRAGGING ABOUT PASSING A COGNITIVE TEST without demonstrating cognitive decline. And they go right on sucking his butt, and will not be talked into stopping.

Christ.

Shit, Ronny Jackson’ll change his name legally if it helps, so long as he maintains access to the medicine cabinet. And, it would appear, to the nation’s most closely guarded secrets, thanks to the wise leadership of Speaker Jackson. Johnson. Call us whatever you want, Mr. Rapist, sir.

Speaking of groveling, the veepstakes hurtles madly towards the dignity equivalent of absolute zero, where all self-respect ceases, as a game show host sleep-farts directly into your mouth, waking periodically to disparage your spouse and/or parents.

JD Vance is so far up that ass at this point, I no longer recall what he looks like. Dug Bugman tries his best, but he comes off as a bit of a try-hard, don’t you think? “Oh, Biden is the real dictator, remember that election he tried to overt-wait, I mean the time he tear-gassed those peaceful protesters in Lafay-hang on, no, well who can forget the camps full of childrrrrrrrrrr oh will you look at that, I’m a getting a text from Kristi Noem’s parakeet, it’s seeking asylum, I have to take this.”

Anyway.

Somebody must’ve reminded Off-Brand Orbán that the guy they’ve all been gleefully painting as a scarcely sentient pile of dust gets to spend ninety prime time minutes next week stuffing him in rhetorical locker after rhetorical locker, because now he’s frantically lowering expectations. Suddenly ol’ Joe’s the legendary debater who vanquished seven Paul Ryans with a single “malarkey.”

…which he is. Just lay back and try to enjoy it, scumbag.

The Dotard’s certainly doing his damndest to hook former Speaker Ryan up with one of the many hammer/nail gun aficionados in his social media audience, disparaging his onetime governing partner as a “dog,” because Truth Social is kind of like a dating app, only for stochastic terrorism.

I’m never a fan of such dehumanizing rhetoric, plus there’s not a dog alive that would look so ridiculous in workout gear. A dog would make that shit adorable. Honestly, a reasonably well-trained Pekingese probably could’ve pulled off Obamacare repeal.   

But you’ll have to forgive Donnie One-Term for lashing out. He was already colicky after the 34 felony convictions, and now even Fox polling confirms voters are ditching him like some entirely hypothetical father dropping an unwanted, loser child off at military school, NO, making the chauffeur do it, handing the kid nothing but an envelope containing two fifties and the phone numbers of several discreet piss hookers.

While polling trends are encouraging, I’m holding my breath until we see the long-term effects of Joan Rivers’ post-mortem endorsement.

He’ll be lucky to have Ghost Joan to lean on throughout his forthcoming exile to the shithole country known to its inhabitants as “Milwaukee.” Now, a less stable genius might suggest it’s unwise to shit all over the very swing state voters your party hopes to court with the substantial investment of its quadrennial national convention, but you don’t hear about any dead celebrities voting for those guys, do ya?

It was the choice to instead commute from the neighboring city, you know, the one that hosts all the despised sports rivals, that pushed it over the line into true greatness. These people don’t have unforced errors so much as brief, rare periods when they’re not actively on fire.

Considering they’re so clownishly bad at more or less everything, they remain oddly committed to the notion that they’re some sort of master race. Dork supremacist staffing agency TPUSA proclaimed “White Boy Summer,” predictably juvenile branding from a movement of stunted manchildren who are emotionally incapable of navigating a world containing female Ghostbusters.

The official party anthem of White Boy Summer, it almost goes without saying, is DAP, by Ben Shapiro’s Wife.

Marjorie Taylor Greene has had it with your insurrection shaming! Domestic terrorists are people, too! They have a vibrant, if embarrassing culture, which is vanishing before our eyes, as adherents succumb to federal prosecution, ivermectin poisoning, and the many other everyday dangers one faces when one is a fucking dumbass. 

Oh, Marj also wants to prosecute Dr. Fauci, for “crimes against humanity,” the penalty for which is, as you are aware, getting strapped to a table Goldfinger-style and bisected by a Jewish space laser.

Convicted felon Roger Stone has a plan to help the rapist felon who commuted his sentence overturn the next election he loses, deploying “lawyers, judges, technology” in addition to the traditional terrorist mob.

Hmm. Well, we’ve seen the lawyers, nothing to worry about there. “Technology” could mean bamboo fiber detectors, or it could mean a hat that lets you bear-spray four cops at once, we’ll have to wait and see. As for judges, there’s only so many Aileen Cannons to go around.

Anyway, Aileen’s doing all she can already, according to a new report that says she rejected the eminently sensible advice of her colleagues, to pass the stolen classified documents case off to a more experienced judge, one perhaps a skosh less corrupt, but in her defense, justice ain’t gonna obstruct itself.

Louisiana Republicans’ trifecta-fueled theocracy bender shows no signs of abating, as the Ten Commandments must now, under penalty of law, be displayed in every single classroom statewide. The Vincent Price scenes specifically, my sources tell me.

Also, the seventh grade civics textbook is to be replaced with the Art of the Deal, and beginning at age 14, all students deemed sufficiently “hot” will be ferried away to compete in pageants at Mar-a-Lago, where none of the dressing room doors lock.

My deepest condolences to the members of the House Ethics Committee, I bet investigating Matt Gaetz’s sex crimes is a tremendously unpleasant way to spend time. The barf bag budget alone on these things can run into four, sometimes five figures.

Seems Robert Morris, megachurch “pastor” and “spiritual advisor” to celebrity rapists, molested a 12-year-old girl in the 1980’s. Morris spent the ensuing decades in penitent solitude, since it would of course be obscene for a child molester to set himself up as a moral authorit- hang on, I’m being handed an update…

Another super godly man o’ the cloth is “Pastor” Micah Beckwith, who thinks the Capitol Riot was “divinely inspired.” One job I think Micah should definitely not have is Lieutenant Governor of a whole dang state, but Indiana Republicans apparently disagree.

(Y’know, if I were a religious fundamentalist, that would piss me off, because it implies God is a fucking moron. Like, what sort of sickly, meth den deity inspires weirdos to don sloppy cosplay headdresses and commit crimes? “We honor Him by concocting fake religious dietary requirements when our blinding dumbfuckery lands us in prison,” said the Prophet, for He too had a brain that did not work at all, nay, not even a little bit.)

Perhaps Jesusest of all is Michigan state Rep. Neil Friske, who actually blamed the deep state for his arrest this week, for loving God too much, and also maybe one or two other minor infractions.

Paul Gosar introduced legislation to slap a certain puckered butthole face on the $500 bill, definitely the sort of decision a fellow who got censured for inciting violence against his legislative colleagues ought to be making. Maybe we can get Enrique Tarrio to whip us up a new national anthem. He’s certainly got time on his hands.

Kim Jong-un broke out the thickest, fanciest plasticware in all North Korea (which will be washed and reused when Kid Rock and Steven Seagal visit next month) when Vlad Putin swung by to beg for ammunition, tanks, and say, you wouldn’t happen to have a spare flagship lying around, wouldja?

Oh, and congratulations to Norway on finding all those rare earth minerals! I take my rare earth mineral detector with me everywhere I go, and I never find shit. One of these days.

…until then, I rely on your generosity, gentle reader, to keep the beer fridge stocked, and until that Fox polling trend holds for a bit, I’m gonna need me some beer to get through this.  Blah, blah, Venmo, PayPal and Cash App. I remain profoundly thankful for your attention and kind support. Please stay safe out there, amidst the madness…