Scientists have created a “psychopath artificial intelligence” by giving it input from the darkest corners of the internet hell men call “Reddit.” Just to spice things up a bit, I have turned today’s blog over to this AI.

…just kidding. All this shit happened. In the real world. Not that you can tell the difference.

President Drumpf debuted his bold new reelection strategy this week: by repeatedly embarrassing the United States on the world stage, the Marmalade Shartcannon hopes to induce liberals to abandon their citizenship in shame, thus forfeiting the right to vote. In yelling at Justin Trudeau for Canadians burning down the White House during the War of 1812 (I…bu…wha?), the plan is off to a smashing start. I myself am now pretending to be an Australian on vacation. And that was before the D-Day gaffe.

Paul Ryan made headlines around the world for kinda sorta almost standing up to Boss Shart and his ridiculous “spygate” fabrications, because a Republican leader actually siding with the truth over the Poo Mistake’s relentless gaslighting is indeed news. (Don’t worry, though. The Speaker would quickly devolve back to his regular invertebrate state, insisting there’s no evidence of collusion, which is true if you ignore all the evidence of collusion.

Remember a couple days ago when Dorito Mussolini demonstrated his keen understanding of human nature by attempting to turn Philadelphia sports fans against their championship football team? And petulantly canceling their White House ceremony and replacing it with a jingoistic glorification of a dopey old goon in a too-long necktie forgetting the lyrics to songs?

Well, ODDLY ENOUGH, it turns out he couldn’t get actual Eagles fans to attend, so he papered the house with interns and staffers, maybe a crisis actor or two TAKE THAT GEORGE SOROS. AstroTurf at a football party. That’s satisfying.

…reminds you of the early days, when Fuck-O dragged staff around to laugh at his jokes, doesn’t it?

Betsy DeVos announced that her department’s school safety commission will not be examining the role of guns in the gun violence epidemic facing America’s schools, which is a bit like ignoring the role of dinosaurs in the deaths at Jurassic Park, AND THAT’S WHY THEY KEEP GETTING OUT AND EATING PEOPLE, DON’TCHA THINK?

We learned that the forthcoming Justice Department Inspector General report will indeed fault James Comey for his handling of the Hillary Clinton e-mail probe, reminding us “Oh yeah, this whole shitshow we’re forced to endure is quite possibly the fault of one man’s self-righteous pride. NEAT.”

I know I’ve made this observation before, but it’s true again today: Scott Pruitt had more scandals just this week than the entire Obama administration did in 8 years.

Asked to justify abusing his post in an apparently failed attempt to hook his wife up with a Chick-fil-A franchise, Pruitt could only babble something about how it’s a “franchise of faith,” and you almost have to admire that half-assed attempt to shield yourself with a culture war touchstone. Like, maybe he charged taxpayers thousands of dollars for fancy pens because conservatives are being silenced on college campuses, right?

And a couple of Scotty’s top aides resigned, probably because they were tired of their boss trying to enlist them in elaborate heist schemes to steal jewelry from visiting dignitaries.

Now we find out he’s been lunching at the White House mess (where he enjoys low prices you the taxpayer are surely subsidizing) so often the staff asked him to please take his cheap ass someplace else every now and then, and how can you not just bask in the magnificent cheapness of the man? You know he’s stealing sugar packets and cloth napkins, too.

Anyway, that’s all the Pruittology we have for today, so let’s move on to – HAHAHA JUST KIDDING.

So y’know that ridiculous, round-the-clock, security detail Scott demands? The one that cost taxpayers $3.5 million in one short year? Well, it turns out they’re not just there to placate Pruitt’s petty paranoia, they also run his errands, including…and this is AMAZING…driving him to various Ritz-Carltons around town until he can find one that has juuuuuuuust the precise moisturizing lotion that he likes.

And STILL Shartboy won’t fire him! We’re gonna have to drag his ass out of that creepy soundproof wankoff booth come January 2021. The next EPA administrator is gonna discover he dug a tunnel from the office supply closet all the way back to Oklahoma, and he’s been smuggling printer paper for years.

Meanwhile Wilbur Ross’ Commerce Department has worked out a deal to lift sanctions on ZTE, making it official: this administration has worked harder to bring jobs back to a Chinese firm believed to be a security threat to the U.S. than they have at bringing manufacturing jobs back to the Rust Belt. Because until the Rust Belt can offer the Trump Organization half a billion in loans, they simply won’t be a priority.

Mick Mulvaney fired the entire 25-person Consumer Financial Protection Bureau advisory board, because many of them were perpetually pestering him to do annoying shit like “protecting consumers.” Satisfied at another hard day’s work subjugating the American working class to the plutocracy, Mulvaney treated himself to an afternoon of tying ladies to railroad tracks.

Joke of the Day: Judge Jeanine wants to be Attorney General! Of the United States! Look folks, I didn’t go to law school and in a very real way, I’m a lunatic who dresses up in a mask and a bathrobe to tell poop jokes about politicians, but in all seriousness I tell you that I would have an infinitely better chance of being confirmed by the U.S. Senate than that raving moron.

Speaking of assholes who bellow crazy shit on Fux Nooz, Sean Hannity’s steady descent into madness is quite a thing to behold, isn’t it? It’d be really quite amusing if he weren’t one of our Lunkhead Rube President’s most trusted sources of information.

Anyway, when news broke that Rugged Robert Mueller has been asking witnesses to turn over their cell phones so the FBI can poke around to see if they’ve been using encrypted apps like that Luddite dumbass Paul Manafort, Sean dropped the GOP’s tough-on-crime stance like a hot potato Scott Pruitt got caught trying to sneak out of the White House mess hall without paying for.

Sean says the latest craze, whether you’re a target or a subject or just a guy sharing Georgie Papaderpaderp’s Netflix account, is DESTROYING THE EVIDENCE! It’s illegal, but at least it’s not a hangin’ offense!

If anybody’s wondering why Hannity has developed such a sudden passion for erasing digital footprints, well, it seems he’s swept up in the latest Avenatti/Stormy Daniels lawsuit. This new suit alleges Stormy’s old lawyer colluded with Michael Cohen and even Baron Golfin von Fatfuk himself, including an attempt to get her to deny their past uglies-bumping on a television program hosted by one…Sean Hannity.

Sometimes I worry I’m setting my hopes too high for these lawsuits and investigations, especially when the worst people in the country seem to get swept up in them, from Mitch McConnell to Roger Stone to the bloodstained death merchants of the NRA…but y’know what? Let me have this one. Let me sit here on my porch with my cat and my Gumballhead, and fantasize about Sean Hannity being dragged away in irons, if only for the night.

While Government Cheese Goebbels wields the power of the Presidency with all the skill of a heroin-addicted gerbil, he’s been more successful at reshaping segments of American culture in his own scowling, racist-as-fuck image. “If the President can vomit up the most vicious, ignorant, shit imaginable, why can’t I?” now says the dirtbag who may have remained silent in more civilized times. So let’s dedicate a depressingly-long section of tonight’s blog to the Brazen Hate Roundup:

Exhibit A) Many conservatives didn’t read past the headline on the SCOTUS MasterJag Cake Shop decision, and believed they had magically returned to the Mayberry-Chapter-of-the-KKK Halcyon Days of being free to screech whatever bigotry they felt like without consequences. Take, for example, South Dakota state Representative Michael Clark, who figured that so long as hate was on a roll, we should start talking about allowing businesses to refuse people of color again!

Exhibit B) CrossFit executive Russell Burger heard that and said “Hold my (Whatever it is CrossFit cultists drink)!” Burger thought it was suddenly really important to let the world know that Pride Month is really Sin Month and the REAL intolerance is the intolerance of his intolerance, and God hates the same people Russell Burger does, isn’t that terribly convenient?

Russell, like Representative Clark, only read the headline, and didn’t click the link. Russell has been fired. Russell should’ve clicked the link.

Exhibit C) Charlottesville Marcher/Shitty White Boy James Allsup has been elected to a Republican Party precinct committee officer post in Washington state, the latest open white supremacist to make a play for power within the institutional GOP. Hey, if anybody reading this just woke up from a coma and is trying to suss out who the good guys and bad guys are, can I point out that one team seems to be attracting all the Klansmen and Nazis?

Exhibit D) Some real choice specimens of humanity at a New York military base ordered a pizza, and then called the ICEtapo on the driver, getting him deported away from his wife and children…because evil is real. Because “it can happen here.” Because it IS happening here. Because one or more people on that base saw an opportunity to wreck a fellow human being’s life and decided, “Yes, that is exactly what I will do. I will steal this father from his family.”

I’ll get back to jokes in a minute, friends, but before I do, click on this article, please. Spend a little time with the senseless suffering our despicable regime is inflicting on people, on CHILDREN, in the name of hate. I know we’re all exhausted after a year and a half of this never-ending shitgeyser, but the world needs you to fight. We need your decency.

ANYWAY…

Exhibit E) Santa didn’t leave any self-awareness under the tree at the Loesch house last Xmas, demonstrated by Dana’s bone-chillingly tone-deaf comment that women “wouldn’t know what masculinity was if it hit them in the face” in her latest unhinged rant. Holy SHIT, Dana.

So as you can see, America’s national reserve of Shitty, Shitty, People is in absolutely no danger of running dry.

But I don’t want you to lose hope over any of this garbage, Shower Captives. Tuesday’s elections left us with a lot to smile about. Good turnout everywhere. No Democrat shut-outs under California’s ridiculous top-two primary system. Good, strong candidates in the most competitive districts.

And some great results in individual races. The judge who gave rapist Brock Turner an appallingly light sentence got his ass fired, as did the Alabama sheriff who enriched himself out of a fund meant to feed inmates. And another massive leftward swing in a suburban Missouri special election. The Coalition of the Decent is reasserting itself. I know many of you are chomping at the bit to do your part. Well, look at it this way; in the time it took you to read this post, the midterms got five minutes closer. Maybe ten if you’re drinking. I’m drinking.

And despite some narrowing in the ol’ generic congressionals over the last few weeks, launching a thousand preemptive “How Democrats blew it” post-mortem think pieces, today brought a whole bunch of encouraging polling. I mean, take nothing for granted, keep organizing your asses off…but don’t despair.

Best of all, Virginia gave us a teaser of the rewards awaiting us once the work is done, as Governor Ralph Northam finally signed Medicaid expansion, which Republicans had been blocking for years, into law. We ran against ‘em, we beat ‘em, we saved lives. The waiting is hard, I know, but it’s oh so worth it.

At any rate…back to the horrible shit, I guess…

Rage-Spewing Cousin-Fucker Rudy Giuliani offered his somewhat-less-than modern take on Stormy Daniels’ “reputation” before returning to his extremely respectable work slandering the FBI to protect the treasonous cabal of grifters who charge the secret service to pee.

I see Donnie Dipshit, the Dumb-as-a-Doorknob Dotard, figures he doesn’t have to do any stupid cuck “preparation” for his summit with North Korea. After all, did he not (hire somebody else to ghost-) write The Art of the Deal? Did he not throw himself a giant party when the House passed Obamacare repeal only to watch its humiliating death in the Senate? Has he not failed to renegotiate NAFTA for more than 500 days running? What could go wrong?

And now Seb Gorka and Dennis Rodman are feuding, and that’s a foreign policy story with potential implications on the upcoming nuclear summit, so if anybody needs me I’m the guy in a superhero straightjacket whispering “the horror…the HORROR.”

Anyway, even as he alienates our allies, Shart Garfunkel is making noises about inviting Kim Jong-un to America, where they can stay up all night playing Twister and discussing how to have disloyal family members killed. Tiffany is reportedly concerned.

President Toddler is reportedly extra-colicky that he has to go to the dumb ol’ G7 meeting where everybody hates him for crotch-stomping the global economy, and he’s probably plotting to be a douchebag on purpose, like maybe playing that Blue Da Ba Dee song on the jukebox 8 times in a row and then leaving. Anyway, hooray for more unnecessary conflicts with our oldest and closest allies!*

The Hairplug That Ate Decency sprung one last surprise on us tonight, refusing to defend the Affordable Care Act in court, and proclaiming parts of it unconstitutional, because your government hates that so many of you are alive and healthy. Coming out against the protections for customers with pre-existing conditions should be a particularly big winner in the forthcoming midterm elections.

I’ll leave you with something special. I aim to make to y’all laugh a little bit in these dark times, but trust me when I say nothing I’ve written compares to this video, documenting Mike Pants, Vice President of the most powerful nation on Earth, demonstrating his pathetic, automatic, instinctual subservience to his Spray-tanned Shitlord. Click and enjoy.

*As a point of clarification, I am not actually celebrating the President’s assaults on America’s most cherished and valuable alliances. From time to time, I employ a technique called “sarcasm,” to comic effect. Or at least that’s the intent.