Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
This shit is real, right? I’m not just hallucinating all this shit?
Well Resisters, America’s two Racist Dads are fighting! The media is chock full of reports that the Marmalade Shartcannon and his Loyal Huntin’ Dawg Beauregard find themselves at odds! Shartboy’s all hot n’ bothered that Ol’ Beau recused himself from the Russia investigation for the lil’ ol’ reason that he was caught a-perjurin’ hisself before the cawngress. Sources tell me the President hit Sessions several times on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper, while proclaiming Sessions to be a “bad boy,” and Beau retaliated by whizzing on the Oval Office carpet.
It’s a weird kind of sad when two withered old Klansmen, brought together by their shared certainty in the innate superiority of mediocre white dudes like themselves are pushed apart by their own blistering incompetence. Did I say sad? Wait, I meant FUCKING HILARIOUS.
Speaking of hilarious, it seems the Hairplug That Ate Decency is having trouble finding lawyers to defend him in the whole Russia shitstorm. Turns out a lifetime of stiffing contractors makes it hard to employ top-of-the-line professionals when the shit gets Legit Real. Oh well. I’m sure Michael Cohen can handle things, TEE FUCKING HEE.
Amateur Congressman/World-Class Pigfucker Devin Nunes keeps playing these weird little games where he acts all impish about whether or not he’s actually recused himself from the Russia investigation, or if he’s still blocking for the Shart House with all the finesse of a Beetle Bailey character played by Dane Cook. You almost feel bad for poor Devin. He’s the single most likely figure in this whole drama to wind up imprisoned; not necessarily because of wrongdoing, but because he’s the kind of dude who could accidentally lock himself in a closet.
The Shart of the Deal apparently hit on the genius idea of paying for his Big Stupid Mexican Border Wall by covering it with solar panels! I guess Mexico owns the Sun now, because personally I was told they’d be paying for this wall. Maybe he can sell ads, and the Wall will be covered in posters promising miracle penis enlargement cures.
We learned that Eric “We Only Dropped Him Twice” Drumpf runs a charity that raises money for kids with cancer, good for him! Only, apparently his dad used the charity as a revenue stream, not so good for him! Yeah, the Shart Family Robinson would announce big schmancy charity golf games at Drumpf-owned courses, and they’d tell everyone Donnie Cheapskate donated the course time out of the goodness of his heart, but then later they’d not only claim course rental fees, but unusually large ones, because these are the kinds of purely evil scumfucks who would steal money from CHILDREN WITH CANCER.
In a bit of irony so dark it’d make Alanis Morissette wither to dust and blow away in the wind, Eric went on Hannity THE VERY SAME DAY THE STEALING-FROM-KIDS-WITH-CANCER STORY BROKE to tell everyone how the people standing up to his pussy-grabbing, cheap crook, STEALS FROM KIDS WITH CANCER shitsack dad are “not even people.” Anyway, thanks for sending ever-stronger signals to deranged rage monsters like the guy who just slit three strangers’ throats in Portland that we’re all subhuman, and therefore totally ok to murder, Eric. You’re gonna get reincarnated as nursing home toilet bowl, bro.
The news from Kansas, meanwhile, was fan-fucking-tastic, as Sam Brownback’s zany “experiment” in strangling government to death like a common piss hooker seems to have finally run its course! Sick of problems like “We can’t even afford to keep schools open, is this even America?,” even the REPUBLICANS in the Kansas legislature overrode Goody Brownback’s veto of his failed tax cuts, beginning the Sunflower State’s slow, painful climb back into the 21st century.
Didja see that shit where the Big Saudi Arms Deal that the Candycorn Skidmark couldn’t stop crowing about isn’t actually a Big Arms Deal but a Big Fat Fucking Sham? Yeah, turns out, it’s a bunch of raw horseshit where the Saudis made a big list of Shit We Might Buy Someday if the Price of Oil Ever Goes Up Again but importantly involves NO ACTUAL CONTRACTS so it’s like the arms deal equivalent of talking about the sweet full-torso tattoo of the Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers poster you’re gonna get someday when you save up the cash.
ISIS staged a major terrorist attack in Tehran, Iran. Now, I get that Iran and the USA aren’t exactly on the sorts of terms where one nation calls up the other at 9:15 to see if hey, you wanna go see Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 again, maybe grab some churros later?, but the Shart Administration’s “Oh did a bunch of innocent people die in a terrorist attack in your country, SUCKS THAT YOU DESERVED IT SO MUCH” statement was perhaps a wee bit gauche.
We woke up today to the news that Donald J Trump (The J stands for “I want to fuck my own daughter, is that weird?”) had nominated Some Dude to head up the FBI after he fired the last dude who ran the FBI for refusing to demonstrate “loyalty,” so the whole nation was immediately filled with confidence in the new guy. And hey, if the dude happened to work at a firm that’s worked previously for the Drumpf family, and if he happened to defend Chris Christie in Bridgegate, well…shit, he doesn’t even crack the Top Ten Most Corrupt Fucksticks in This Administration list, so let’s just give him an expense account and a banana plantation, ok?
Anyhow, four soggy old white guys went to the Senate today to give some testimony or some shit. They had this super-clever plan to not answer the questions they didn’t want to answer, and chuckle amongst themselves when nobody noticed.
All the Democratic, and even some of the Republican Senators on the committee were all, “Y U NO ANSWER QUESTIONS, OLD WHITE GUYS,” and the Old White Guys were like “Because, REASONS,” and the Senators were like “That is some raw, unfiltered, bullshit you are serving us, and you are telling us it is a delicious steak but IT IS NOT A DELICIOUS STEAK IT IS BULLSHIT.” Senator Martin Heinrich got all mad, and Senator Angus King got even madder, and Senator Kamala Harris tried to get mad, but then Senator Richard Burr went “Hush little lady, the menfolk is talking” because Senator Richard Burr is trash.
Anyway, the POINT is, Admiral Mike Rogers and DNI Dan Coats (who spent the hearing looking vaguely frightened that the hearing would go on so long that he’d miss the MATLOCK marathon running this afternoon) were repeatedly asked whether or not Shartolo Colon asked them to interfere in the Russia investigation, and they refused to say No, which is what a normal person would do if the answer was No, so, y’know, draw the only logical conclusion you could.
Anyhow, I heard some other dude is testifying tomorrow….Jim Varney, or something? I dunno, it’s probably not a big deal.
Whoever this Varney guy is, he released a text version of his opening statement this afternoon, because la-dee-da, he is HOT SHIT. It basically confirms all the stories that’ve leaked these last few weeks, that the President was all “Hey Jimmy, do me a solid and ease off my buddy Mike Flynn, what’s a few federal crimes between Best Bud Bros, WHICH IS WHAT WE TOTALLY ARE, RIGHT?” and “Hey, Jimbo, know what’s so much more important than a bunch of cabinet secretaries perjuring themselves and having an unregistered foreign agent as the NSA and a hostile foreign power interfering in American elections, and piss hookers NOT THAT ANYONE LIKES PISS HOOKERS? Loyalty. LOYALTY TO YOUR PRESIDENT WHO IS COINCIDENTALLY ME.” Also that bit where he told Jeff Sessions “Hey, don’t leave me alone with the President, he is trying to destroy the fundamental pillars of American Democracy and he also might not notice I don’t have a pussy until his tiny fingers are clenching my scrotum.”
Mike Pence made a few headlines by cancelling an interview with PBS at the very last minute. The popular narrative is that he ducked out to deal with the fallout of the release of the Comey testimony, but I think we all know that he accidentally glimpsed an unusually shapely fire hydrant and had the secret service whisk him to a secure location to furiously fap until he passed out in a puddle of shame and the gooey, stale-marshmallow-like substance that serves as his dirty, sinful, spooj.
Anyhow. Shit, as scientists have observed, be cray. Things’ll get really nutty tomorrow, but I will be traveling, let me know how it goes, folks.
And please…remember to live every week like it’s Infrastructure Week.