Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Still More Madness
Oh wow. I don’t usually do these on back-to-back days, but the news kept coming at me today like a tommy gun full of bat guano, so let’s all tear our clothes off and run naked through the poppy field that is the news these days.
We started with the national media picking up last night’s story about the Marmalade Shartcannon seeking a review of the last 21 years’ worth of national park designations, with an eye on reversing a few. Seriously, he wants to UN-DESIGNATE SOME FUCKING NATIONAL PARKS. Oddly, rather than being the plot of a Muppet film, this turned out to be objective reporting on the actions of the President of the United States. Hey, maybe you want to preserve our nation’s natural beauty for your kids and grandkids, but the dudes in Rex Tillerson’s poker game don’t have quite enough mad money for recreational space travel, so FUCK YOU.
In the meantime, we gaped in horror as Wyoming Senator Mike Enzi told a group of high school kids that if a fella dressed in lady clothes walked into a room full of red blooded Murican Man-Men, that would be a super UNCIVIL thing to do, and if that made a gang of neanderthals gang up and Matthew Shepard him, well, what did he expect with his shameful lack of civility. Issuing a non-apology later in the day, Enzi claimed he was just trying to promote respect, and well, considering Mikey’s long anti-LGBT history, he probably actually believes he’s being unnaturally courteous in not setting up Chechen-style concentration camps in his home state’s wide open spaces. Anyhow, Enzi is one of those fucks who usually quietly blends into the pasty-white GOP background, but don’t forget he’s just as big a raging fuckhead as a loudmouth like Ted Cruz.
There was also the thing where the nominee for Army Secretary threw a little hissy fit over the tricksy liberal conspiracy to paint him as a “hater” by quoting him saying incredibly hateful things. Over and over. For like, his entire adult life. Honestly, what are we coming to, where a man’s own lengthy history of hate speech can be used to make him look bad? SOMETHING SOMETHING ANN COULTER SOMETHING SOMETHING FREE SPEECH.
Meanwhile, some soulless monster named “Tom MacArthur” seems to have drafted an amendment to the Mass Murder of the American Poor Act – excuse me, the “AHCA” finally cruel enough to placate the feral hyenas of the Freedom Caucus. It would allow red states to return to the bad old days of allowing insurers to sell plans that don’t actually provide any practical insurance coverage, and to make insurance for the older and/or sick so expensive that those who need it most will be able to afford it least, though they’ll still have ACCESS WINK WINK in the same way everybody has access to buying yachts and gold toilets and talking monkey cyborgs. Anyhow, Mark Meadows and company have declared the amendment to be Sufficiently Bloodthirsy, and now we have to see if the Tuesday Group centrists are more afraid of the raving Tea Party lunatics or the Hey-Please-Don’t-Kill-Us types in their home districts. Obviously, the morality of stealing health care from millions of Americans is unlikely to be a factor in the calculus of these so-called “moderates.”
Word is, Il Douche wants a vote on the bill by Friday, cuz he’s frantically scrambling around looking for first-100-days accomplishments to clutch in his tiny, tiny hands. To that end, he released his much-anticipated foray into the insanely complex realm of tax reform, a single-page memo that says “Hey, cut every tax anybody with my last name has to pay, WOW ISN’T THAT A FUCKING COINCIDENCE, I DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE THE MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS I’D GET TO KEEP, WEIRD, HUH?” This includes, among other oligarch fertilizer, full repeals of the estate tax and the alternative minimum tax. Did you forget that thing when Rachel Maddow showed us the Shart’s taxes? And he paid the AMT, without which he would have paid practically nothing? Yeah, google that. And no, of course Toupee Fiasco won’t release his taxes! Then you’ll know EXACTLY how much he’s trying to steal from roads and cancer research and the military!
That his big tax plan got rolled out by a couple of Goldman Sachs alums and mostly benefits the ultra-wealthy and corporations is pretty weird, what with all the swamp-draining that I’m told has taken place.
Speaking of panicked attempts to earn extra credit before the end of the term, The Candycorn Assclown seems to be about to sign an executive order withdrawing from NAFTA, without really examining the consequences or consulting with anyone who would stand to be affected. This is just coke-fueled, insecure, “Fuck you, Obama, I’ll bet YOU didn’t dissolve any multi-national trade agreements in YOUR first 100 days” governing. Apparently there is another one of them “Competing Power Center” arguments going on, with some folks screeching “BURN THE WHOLE FUCKER DOWN” and others going “Or maybe think about it for a day or two first?” Because this is how our government works now, SLEEP TIGHT.
Oh, by the way, EPA head Scott Pruitt is about to violate the Hatch Act, appearing at a political fundraiser in his home state of Oklahoma, which is illegal in no small way. Under any other president, that’d be a massive scandal and front page news, but even you, reading this right now, are like “Hatch Act Schmatch Act, get to the good stuff!” Along the same lines the Failing New York Times published a story about Jared Kushner’s business entanglements with another criminal billionaire, but he didn’t turn out to be Russian, so we all went “ho-hum.”
Anyhow, the Shart o’ the Deal had made some threats about not making some important Obamacare payments, to show off how he’s a Big Boy Who Pulls Up His Own Pants and Everything, but Democrats said “Well, then good luck trying to pass your spending bill without any of our votes, SPOILERZ YOU CAN’T” and so Mr. Super Deal Maker totally backed down again without getting anything he wanted, which he seems to do an awful lot for someone whose speciality is the making of deals, don’tcha think?
Littlefinger also threw a tantrum about the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals holding up his sanctuary cities order, which it didn’t (it was a lower court), and we all laughed at his childish mistake until he started talking about breaking up the 9th, and we were all reminded “oh yeah, he’s a wannabe fascist dictator who’ll bulldoze the fundamental pillars of American democracy if we let him.” And then we put on our Resistin’ Pants, and said “Over my dead, checks-n’-balances-lovin’ body, you Rectal Tumor!”
Speaking of La Grande Sharte’s fascist tendencies, Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly announced the opening of an office to specialize exclusively in demonizing immigrants by drawing extra attention to victims of crimes perpetrated by undocumented immigrants. Now, nobody wants to bring Nazis into these things, but this is exactly what the Nazis did, just with Jews, back in the day, and it is an absolute horror. Side note, I don’t see any rush to assign special status to the victims of the racist shitsacks riled up by the President’s two-year-long White Supremacist Hate Tour.
Also, White House advisor and Very Real Fascist Sebastian Gorka seems to have a Very Fake PhD, which is kind of funny until you realize that not only is he a white supremacist advising the President of the United States, but that he probably doesn’t even crack the Top Three White Supremacists Currently Serving in the U.S. Executive Branch. BARF.
Later, Team Shart made quite a show of inviting the entire Senate to the White House for a briefing on North Korea. They don’t seem to have offered any new policy or any new information, and Senators reported the briefers were evasive and uninformed when pressed to go deeper than their initial talking points. This shouldn’t really surprise us; this administration briefing the U.S. Senate on foreign policy must be sort of like That One Douchey Guy Who Plays John Mayer Songs at College Parties briefing Pete Townshend on guitar playing.
Anyhow, if you can somehow follow all the madness of the news these days, you can even spend some time checking in on the weapons-grade insanity of the Alex Jones custody trial, which is like the deleted scene on the DVD of The News that had to be cut from the theatrical release in order to avoid an NC-17 rating. I started to read a little, but then I noticed all my targeted internet ads were suddenly for helmets and straight jackets, so I decided to check some sports scores instead.
There’s more. There’s always more. There’s Moore. Roy Moore, possibly the Most Bigoted Man In Alabama, is apparently running for the Senate, for Christ’s sake! But I’m about to go stone blubbering insane, so I’m out.
Shit be cray, folks…shit be cray.