Still More Madness

Oh wow. I don’t usually do these on back-to-back days, but the news kept coming at me today like a tommy gun full of bat guano, so let’s all tear our clothes off and run naked through the poppy field that is the news these days.

We started with the national media picking up last night’s story about the Marmalade Shartcannon seeking a review of the last 21 years’ worth of national park designations, with an eye on reversing a few. Seriously, he wants to UN-DESIGNATE SOME FUCKING NATIONAL PARKS. Oddly, rather than being the plot of a Muppet film, this turned out to be objective reporting on the actions of the President of the United States. Hey, maybe you want to preserve our nation’s natural beauty for your kids and grandkids, but the dudes in Rex Tillerson’s poker game don’t have quite enough mad money for recreational space travel, so FUCK YOU.

In the meantime, we gaped in horror as Wyoming Senator Mike Enzi told a group of high school kids that if a fella dressed in lady clothes walked into a room full of red blooded Murican Man-Men, that would be a super UNCIVIL thing to do, and if that made a gang of neanderthals gang up and Matthew Shepard him, well, what did he expect with his shameful lack of civility. Issuing a non-apology later in the day, Enzi claimed he was just trying to promote respect, and well, considering Mikey’s long anti-LGBT history, he probably actually believes he’s being unnaturally courteous in not setting up Chechen-style concentration camps in his home state’s wide open spaces. Anyhow, Enzi is one of those fucks who usually quietly blends into the pasty-white GOP background, but don’t forget he’s just as big a raging fuckhead as a loudmouth like Ted Cruz.

There was also the thing where the nominee for Army Secretary threw a little hissy fit over the tricksy liberal conspiracy to paint him as a “hater” by quoting him saying incredibly hateful things. Over and over. For like, his entire adult life. Honestly, what are we coming to, where a man’s own lengthy history of hate speech can be used to make him look bad? SOMETHING SOMETHING ANN COULTER SOMETHING SOMETHING FREE SPEECH.

Meanwhile, some soulless monster named “Tom MacArthur” seems to have drafted an amendment to the Mass Murder of the American Poor Act – excuse me, the “AHCA” finally cruel enough to placate the feral hyenas of the Freedom Caucus. It would allow red states to return to the bad old days of allowing insurers to sell plans that don’t actually provide any practical insurance coverage, and to make insurance for the older and/or sick so expensive that those who need it most will be able to afford it least, though they’ll still have ACCESS WINK WINK in the same way everybody has access to buying yachts and gold toilets and talking monkey cyborgs. Anyhow, Mark Meadows and company have declared the amendment to be Sufficiently Bloodthirsy, and now we have to see if the Tuesday Group centrists are more afraid of the raving Tea Party lunatics or the Hey-Please-Don’t-Kill-Us types in their home districts. Obviously, the morality of stealing health care from millions of Americans is unlikely to be a factor in the calculus of these so-called “moderates.”

Word is, Il Douche wants a vote on the bill by Friday, cuz he’s frantically scrambling around looking for first-100-days accomplishments to clutch in his tiny, tiny hands. To that end, he released his much-anticipated foray into the insanely complex realm of tax reform, a single-page memo that says “Hey, cut every tax anybody with my last name has to pay, WOW ISN’T THAT A FUCKING COINCIDENCE, I DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE THE MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS I’D GET TO KEEP, WEIRD, HUH?” This includes, among other oligarch fertilizer, full repeals of the estate tax and the alternative minimum tax. Did you forget that thing when Rachel Maddow showed us the Shart’s taxes? And he paid the AMT, without which he would have paid practically nothing? Yeah, google that. And no, of course Toupee Fiasco won’t release his taxes! Then you’ll know EXACTLY how much he’s trying to steal from roads and cancer research and the military!

That his big tax plan got rolled out by a couple of Goldman Sachs alums and mostly benefits the ultra-wealthy and corporations is pretty weird, what with all the swamp-draining that I’m told has taken place.

Speaking of panicked attempts to earn extra credit before the end of the term, The Candycorn Assclown seems to be about to sign an executive order withdrawing from NAFTA, without really examining the consequences or consulting with anyone who would stand to be affected. This is just coke-fueled, insecure, “Fuck you, Obama, I’ll bet YOU didn’t dissolve any multi-national trade agreements in YOUR first 100 days” governing. Apparently there is another one of them “Competing Power Center” arguments going on, with some folks screeching “BURN THE WHOLE FUCKER DOWN” and others going “Or maybe think about it for a day or two first?” Because this is how our government works now, SLEEP TIGHT.

Oh, by the way, EPA head Scott Pruitt is about to violate the Hatch Act, appearing at a political fundraiser in his home state of Oklahoma, which is illegal in no small way. Under any other president, that’d be a massive scandal and front page news, but even you, reading this right now, are like “Hatch Act Schmatch Act, get to the good stuff!” Along the same lines the Failing New York Times published a story about Jared Kushner’s business entanglements with another criminal billionaire, but he didn’t turn out to be Russian, so we all went “ho-hum.”

Anyhow, the Shart o’ the Deal had made some threats about not making some important Obamacare payments, to show off how he’s a Big Boy Who Pulls Up His Own Pants and Everything, but Democrats said “Well, then good luck trying to pass your spending bill without any of our votes, SPOILERZ YOU CAN’T” and so Mr. Super Deal Maker totally backed down again without getting anything he wanted, which he seems to do an awful lot for someone whose speciality is the making of deals, don’tcha think?

Littlefinger also threw a tantrum about the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals holding up his sanctuary cities order, which it didn’t (it was a lower court), and we all laughed at his childish mistake until he started talking about breaking up the 9th, and we were all reminded “oh yeah, he’s a wannabe fascist dictator who’ll bulldoze the fundamental pillars of American democracy if we let him.” And then we put on our Resistin’ Pants, and said “Over my dead, checks-n’-balances-lovin’ body, you Rectal Tumor!”

Speaking of La Grande Sharte’s fascist tendencies, Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly announced the opening of an office to specialize exclusively in demonizing immigrants by drawing extra attention to victims of crimes perpetrated by undocumented immigrants. Now, nobody wants to bring Nazis into these things, but this is exactly what the Nazis did, just with Jews, back in the day, and it is an absolute horror. Side note, I don’t see any rush to assign special status to the victims of the racist shitsacks riled up by the President’s two-year-long White Supremacist Hate Tour.

Also, White House advisor and Very Real Fascist Sebastian Gorka seems to have a Very Fake PhD, which is kind of funny until you realize that not only is he a white supremacist advising the President of the United States, but that he probably doesn’t even crack the Top Three White Supremacists Currently Serving in the U.S. Executive Branch. BARF.

Later, Team Shart made quite a show of inviting the entire Senate to the White House for a briefing on North Korea. They don’t seem to have offered any new policy or any new information, and Senators reported the briefers were evasive and uninformed when pressed to go deeper than their initial talking points. This shouldn’t really surprise us; this administration briefing the U.S. Senate on foreign policy must be sort of like That One Douchey Guy Who Plays John Mayer Songs at College Parties briefing Pete Townshend on guitar playing.

Anyhow, if you can somehow follow all the madness of the news these days, you can even spend some time checking in on the weapons-grade insanity of the Alex Jones custody trial, which is like the deleted scene on the DVD of The News that had to be cut from the theatrical release in order to avoid an NC-17 rating. I started to read a little, but then I noticed all my targeted internet ads were suddenly for helmets and straight jackets, so I decided to check some sports scores instead.

There’s more. There’s always more. There’s Moore. Roy Moore, possibly the Most Bigoted Man In Alabama, is apparently running for the Senate, for Christ’s sake! But I’m about to go stone blubbering insane, so I’m out.

Shit be cray, folks…shit be cray.