- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Strange Bedfellows and Useful Idiots. And Some Third Thing, Probably.
So, this blog site went live exactly seven years ago today, aiming to chronicle the kookiness of the kakistocracy-curious creeps who’d infested my beloved country’s government. And after each and every post, my most fervent wish has been to run out of material, to turn y’all away with a mournful “Outside of a brief, largely courteous Wyden/Romney spat over public land use, nothing of note occurred this week, sorry.”
…well, maybe next time.
A lot has changed in those seven years. For instance, though it feels like ancient history nowadays, once upon a time, our political press believed an aging politician’s merest slip of the tongue merited days of breathless commentary; now, a visibly decomposing septuagenarian can yammer incoherently on the leading issues of the day, indeed, can belch up gibberish that’s barely discernible as English, with nary a mention in the morning paper.
Shoot, he can even forget who he’s running against, and not one single column demanding his immediate withdrawal from the race will appear! Silly rabbit, standards are for Democrats!
And sure, he took no questions at the latest “press conference” he duped the media into attending, opting instead to utilize their proffered platform to further defame and harass several of the women he’s sexually assaulted, but on the other hand, ethically and substantially equal in every way to the previously mentioned rapey hand, Kamala Harris appears to have flip-flopped on the issue of paper straws.
At said “press conference,” the preferred candidate of American evangelicals dismissed one of his many accusers, by saying, “She would not have been the chosen one.”
“The chosen one.”
(This space left blank to give the reader time to wipe the vomit off their keyboard/screen)
He won’t rape just anybody, y’know. You have to look more than a little like his daughter, (the hot one, not Tiffany) for a start. Then, you gotta pass a cognitive test. Yes, all of it, even the really tough bits, with the drawings of farm animals.
As this adjudicated rapist, this felon 34 times over, schleps and whines and sleep-farts his way from trial to trial, (congrats on the sentencing delay, by the way) it’s worth noting that one cop-killer whose sentence he commuted has already been convicted again, this time of assaulting his wife. Of course, you wouldn’t see shenanigans like that in a second Trump term, not under Attorney General Enrique Tarrio.
“Sometimes you need a strongman,” proclaimed the weakest man alive, retreating into his favorite fantasy, the one where Viktor Orbán swaddles him in a blanket, and whisks him away to his magical castle in Hungary, where dictators get the most ice cream scoops no matter what, and absolutely no prosecutors, special or otherwise, are allowed, enforced by a dragon.
Republican thoughts and prayers once again failed to prevent the latest school shooting, further evidence that they are idiots, despised by God.
It’s hard to blame Him. To JD Vance, all this eminently preventable carnage is merely a “fact of life,” so I guess the rest of the developed world is populated by some superior life form, one less willing to see its children butchered, if perhaps a trifle incapable of accurately evaluating the worth of Oasis tickets.
“Sure as the tide rolls in, kids who’ve already been investigated by the FBI for threatening a school shooting will receive semi-automatic rifles as Xmas gifts,” hectored JD, “Are we supposed to ban Santa Claus?”
Vance’s proposed solution? You guessed it, MORE GUNS in schools, only with ivermectin-laced bullets now, so the slaughtered children won’t have to worry about Covid, or worms. Because being death cult clergy means never having to say a single word that makes a lick of fucking sense.
The estate of Isaac Hayes joined the ever-lengthening list of entities to defeat the Dotard in court, though I suppose if you can’t even overturn one measly presidential election, what chance would you possibly have against Black Moses? And look, ABBA and Céline Dion wait in the wings, for their own turn with the paddle of copyright law.
Without the benefit of intellectual property protections, we may have to fall back upon constitutional provisions against cruel and unusual punishment to safeguard the public from Tom Petty-defiling RNC Chair Lara Trump’s latest single. On the other hand, maybe if we feed it into these newfangled AI thingamajigs, it’ll short ‘em out from within. On the other other hand, that might be precisely the sort of thing that would lead a machine intelligence to determine humanity is a menace in immediate need of total eradication.
Melania’s got a memoir coming out, too. I was able to obtain an advance copy, and I think it might surprise you. The chapter where she discusses her husband’s brush with Covid-19 was particularly moving. All those long, lonely nights, listlessly perusing the prenup…riveting stuff.
Nick Fuentes doesn’t understand where it all went so wrong. His Turd Emperor told him they stole the 2020 election from him, and would a rapist who stole from charity and cheated on multiple wives and stiffed contractors and defrauded banks and insurers lie? I mean sure, he lied about crowd size and colluding with Russia and September 11th and the path of a hurricane, but would he lie about the integrity of our federal elections?
One wonders if falling for such a blatant con might lead young Nickward to question his belief in his own racial supremacy. Barring that, one wonders how to get in touch with him regarding the opportunities for profit Amway offers.
Furious indignation reverberated throughout the right-wing disinformation ecosystem, in the wake of revelations that many of MAGA media’s leading dipshits have been “unwittingly” operating as useful idiots for Vlad Putin’s murderous regime.
“WHERE’S MY CUT?” demanded Tulsi Gabbard. “I spread way more Kremlin propaganda,” whinged Candace Owens, “Besides, Tim Pool’s just gonna spend those rubles on beanies and waifu pillows!”“Tell Mr. Putin it would probably be easiest if he wrote the check directly to the Sandy Hook families I terrorized,” bleated Alex Jones.
Of course, it’s Pool, and Benny Johnson, and their ilk, who’re the Real Victims Here™️, according to a bunch of Republicans who’re definitely not sweating over the idea of DoJ looking into their own revenue streams. Sorry, Senator Rubio, “preexisting political opinions” aren’t covered under the Foreign Agents Registration Act.
Golly, It’s getting so’s an enterprising young wingnut grifter can’t even engorge himself at the trough of a hostile foreign power. Why, mean ol’ Merrick even indicted Dimitri Simes, longtime advisor to Senator Rand Paul, and Individual One himself.
Tucker Carlson, having all but dissipated into irrelevancy, sat seething on the sofa, watching Jesse Watters diddle away his diligently indoctrinated prime time Fox audience on garden-variety MRA piffle about the inherent girlymanness of drinking a “vanilla ice cream shake” through a straw*, and knew he’d need a big, fat, dumb stunt to win back the attention of the rubes he lost in his acrimonious divorce from the Murdochs.
Enter Holocaust revisionist Darryl Cooper. Revisionist, rather than outright denialist, in that he believes the Holocaust happened, but that it was Churchill’s fault, for being such a meanie to Hitler, who only wanted everyone to have bunnies and cupcakes and hugs. (Much nicer than fuddy-duddy Winston’s blood, toil, tears, and sweat, I’m sure you’ll agree.)
Which is horseshit, of course, but if there’s one thing white supremacists love, it’s being lied to, (see Fuentes, Nick) especially about their loser movement’s loser history. And if you don’t believe me, I’ve got seven years’ worth of blog archives to prove it.
Anyway, Tucker definitely got the attention he wanted, so much so that JD Vance said, “Me next!” because he wanted to sit in the Hitler apologist’s chair while it was still warm. Also probably to sniff it, but I imagine they’ll edit that part out.
Terrible news, comrades! That damnable Ron Johnson uncovered the truth about our dastardly Deep State proto-Jade Helm known as the “Great Depression.” Ah, we were fools to believe we could ever slip anything past a genius of such caliber, particularly after he single-handedly unmasked our elaborate “pandemic” hoax.
An armed standoff between McDonald’s Truthers (who believe Kamala Harris never worked at McDonald’s) and Accent Truthers (who believe Kamala Harris uses a fake southern accent) thankfully ended without bloodshed, when the leaders of the two factions met face to face, and realized they were the Bundy brothers.
Seems North Carolina Republican gubernatorial candidate Mark Robinson may have a few skeletons in his closet, though they are believed to be safely hidden behind the mountains of pornographic videocassettes, and the stolen Girl Scout cookies.
With Liz and Dick Cheney endorsing Vice President Harris, Team Rapist unveiled some defectors of their own: a few distant cousins of Tim Walz, take that, libtards! They may not be able to pass fifth grade English, but at least they got to meet Hulk Hogan. (UPDATE: it’s been brought to my attention that they did not actually get to meet Hulk Hogan. In my defense, I made that up.)
A fistfight broke out at a Saline County, Arkansas Republican Committee meeting, because these lil’ guys get crabby if you don’t let ‘em run around in the yard, maybe violently disrupt a government proceeding now and then. You’re lucky they didn’t shit on the floor.
Okay, I’m off to celebrate my seventh blogiversary, by binge drinking until I can wrap my head around how I wound up in a coalition with Dick Freakin’ Cheney.
As always, you can contribute to my degeneracy via my tip jar (now accepting Cash App, PayPal, AND Venmo), or by sharing this post on social media, signing up on the email list at showercapblog.com, (seven years old today!) or following @john_luzar over on Elon’s hopelessly busted, post-decency playground, where I am doomed to spend all eternity.
*REAL men dip their balls in their milkshake, absorbing it through scrotal osmosis.
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Well here’s something to cheer you up. I registered as a Republican in NC in the spring in order to vote for Haley against Trump. So that put me on a list such that I get notices by NC 11 Republican Congressman Chuckee Edwards.
So on his conference call he was asked about “gun violence” and he used standard GrOPer talking point:”people kill people.”
So I thought. ..hey I wonder how yr 36 yr old son died “suddenly” in 2018. Sure enough, I looked it up: he suicided with a gun.
So I wrote Chuckee a note & told the Dem running against him unbelievable. Maybe people know & they just sit on their hands
‘In my defence, I made that up.’
So using this.
I sit here savoring the balloons of your 7th anniversary!
For 7 years you have been master of ceremonies in the circus of joy that parades in my crippled path through the hellscape we all have traversed.
I certainly thank you.
One of your best, Cap. What is going on in this world?
God Bless America and God Bless You Cap. Orange man Bad.
Happy Blogversary CAPPY! A good load of snarky sarcastic info at your very best tonight 🍾 I learned something new tonight… In my 62 years I never knew a milkshakes was supposed to be absorbed by a guys balls… Scrotal Osmosis … sounds important. I must research further 😂 Have beers for your ‘versary and thanks for keeping us Sanish and laughing for 7 years … 🍻🍺🍻
I always faithfully read every blog all the way to the end, and thank goodness because otherwise l might have missed: real men dip their balls in their milkshakes, absorbing it through scrotal osmosis. I don’t know how l could have gone on without reading that, especially since from your blogiversary, l have been with you almost from the start. 🍺🍻
Congratulations, Cap! Wow, 7 years. That’s amazing and impressive!
This was a fabulous post, a great way to celebrate your 7 years of blessing us with your wit and wisdom!
Bless you, Cap, for they have sinned and continue to sin.
Thanks for kalling out the kakistocrats for these past 7 years. Your posts have turned my fears into tears of laughter.
I am glad I drink MALTS
Excellent and brilliant and awesomely witty!! We love your blog ❤️.
Happy Anniversary Cap!!🍻🍻🍻
7 years? Just unreal, it feels like we’ve been throwing up over Orban inspired debacles for decades at this point.🤯
I am sorry!! For you and for us, and realizing you must be utterly exhausted of these ratbags, situations and scenarios that spur you to pen in hopes of staying sane thru this awful quagmire of foulness. 💔
Please carry on as only you can!! and Thank you always, your wit is precious and extra-beneficial to us. 💝
Thanks for helping us get through a very difficult time in our lives and in this time in our country’s history. You are a gem, Cap.
“In my defense I made that up.” Congratulations, Mr. Cap, you have qualified for a highly remunerative position as a Fox News pundit. Please call our Fiction Department to schedule your orientation and insurance physical.
While it is a fact of testosterone living cleanly, that real men absorb their milk-shakes through their testicles, it is critically important that the milk shakes be at least fifteen degrees above freezing or the result is the dreaded “Testicular Shrinkage,” a catastrophe that endangers the ability of real men to jerk off to images of Donald Trump (blessed be his name) carrying an AR15 and shooting liberals.
Oh, there’s no one more idiotic and entitled than a Saline County Republican. He willingly pays higher property taxes, the daily stupid commute to and from his high paying job in Pulaski County and so on. Saline’s one of the white flight counties bordering us liberals and brown people in Pulaski County. So happy to see my state made your agitprop blog for something other than Tom “Stolen Valor” Cotton’s latest debasement.
Hey, John – don’t get burnt out. Beau of the Fifth Column had to step away and he’s been doing this as long as you. Belle is just as good as Beau…and she reached more women voters.
…and then they came for white senior citizens who spoke out and voted against the Orange Infection, like me, and nobody said a word…
Thank you for 7 years of laughing and pointing at the asshole wrong-wingers.
Most days, I believe we’ll win the fight but not the war-in the long run, climate change will wipe the earth clean of us and the billionaires know it. Meanwhile, we fight for justice and equality for all!
Cap – Your voice has been a godsend over these past seven years. May you continue to be our most incisive observer of the kakistocracy for as long as they continue their nefarious efforts – or at least as long as you can stand to provide this most valuable service!
Seven Years! And Cap is now one of our best journalists as well as a great patriot and activist. And indeed hero! We have other journalist heroes, Joy Reid, Charlie Pierce, Don Lemon, Yamiche Alcindor and others. But they are few compared to the Corporate Fascist enablers on the tee vee such as Dana Bash and Megyn Kelly. Our Corporate Overlords understand to impose Fascism you must control mass communication.
And another hero, Emptywheel seems to have been one of the first to reveal that Supremely Corrupt Clarence Thomas has been “directing” the legal defense of the insurrectionists. Harlan Crow paid Clarence and Ginni to support the Insurrection. Considering that Thomas and Alito are supporters of the Insurrection they should be impeached and imprisoned. The most corrupt of all, John Roberts created this secret money web of Nazis with “Citizens United”. The Billionaires bribed the Robert’s Supreme Court that declared Republican Presidents can crime all they want. And the Supreme Court declared they themselves also can crime all they want.
https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-lawyer-john-lauro-suggested-conspiratorial-action-clarence-thomas-glenn-kirschner-1950270
Congrats to you on surviving throughout this awful time in history. Thanks to you we have a wonderful seven-year stretch of your witty but precise take on our national embarrassment. Great work!