“There’s no shortage of assholes,” my dad used to say, as a sort of catch-all explanation for the seemingly endless supply of irksome weirdos one collides with over the course of one’s life. And I think that holds up. There are certainly no kinks in the asshole supply chain at the moment; if anything, the market is overserved, as the following paragraphs will demonstrate.

Well, it only took them two months, but the butchering clod brigade that apparently passes for an army in Moscow finally eliminated nearly all traces of human life and civilization from one city in Ukraine. Congratulations, boys, you turned Mariupol into a mass grave so the idiot billionaire that sent you to die in a foreign land could lay momentary claim to slightly more dirt.

Yes, it’s taken just two months to reduce Vlad the Genocidal Fuckwit to feebly staging premature missile tests, like some dime store Kim Jong-un. Incidentally, calling your big, bad ICBM “Satan II” is the act of high school freshman desperate for puberty to hit. (Personally, I’m looking forward to Satan III: Satan Goes to The Hague.)

Now, I’ll allow that decorating the brigade responsible for the atrocities in Bucha was an inspired bit of trolling, but you’re in a war, not a Twitter spat, and given your performance on the battlefield to date, I’m not sure that giving Ukrainians extra motivation to shoot at you was the wisest move.

Anyway, enjoy all the shiny new howitzers n’ things that’re headed your way; I bet it sucks to be incapable of resupplying your deteriorating “war machine” on account of all those debilitating sanctions, by the way.

Most mephistophelian felicitations go out to Mr. J.D. Vance, who won the death cult equivalent of the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes: the endorsement of a man he once called “America’s Hitler.” Man, that was a whole damn show, wasn’t it? Like watching hogs fight over a turd.

But that’s what Republican politics IS now: morons gyrating depravedly, desperate to gain one racist game show host’s approval. It’s all incredibly healthy.

And now Republicans’re worried, because the Deposed Dotard is proving to be no better at making endorsements than he is at running casinos or managing pandemics or closing umbrellas. And fucking OF COURSE he’s more interested in petty retribution (and equally petty grifting) than in helping the team win elections…does no one listen when he tells the snake story?!?!

Fuck yes, I hope your lil’ kakistocrat kingmaker costs you loads of winnable races this fall, although maybe you kids could find a moment to reflect upon just how you wound up with an electorate that’s so horny to back serial abusers like Eric Greitens, Herschel Walker, and Charles “Gropey” Herbster, because that shit didn’t happen overnight.

That’s why this crap with McConnell and McCarthy is so fucking infuriating; they know exactly what they’re enabling, they understand how wrong and dangerous it is; they’re just too spineless and power-mad to oppose it. Mitch, Kev, speaking on behalf of every patriotic American, I’m real damn tired of paying for your cowardice.

Florida parents were aghast to discover their children’s math textbooks are insufficiently racist…I guess. I mean, there must’ve been a Million Mom March on Tallahassee, all voices rising as one, “Hey! Ho! Kids should learn fractions from Richard Spencer!” Otherwise, why in seven hells is the DeSantis administration behaving this way?

Soon enough, the textbooks will surely insist Florida has always been at war with the Walt Disney Company. And war means sacrifices; Ron-Ron and his minions, in their zeal to crush dissent, casually shifted a massive tax burden onto their own constituents with their legislative conniption, because living under Republican governance means not just accepting institutional bigotry, but financing it.

This paragraph is strictly for the alien archaeologists, trying to work out precisely how and why humanity mysteriously vanished from the face of the Earth around 2050: yes, this is indeed a state government lashing out vengefully at a private corporation, an enormous part of the state’s economy in fact, for not hating gay people enough. That’s what they’ve decided government is for. Yeah, we’re pretty much tantruming towards extinction these days.

Hey, while I have your attention, o ye extraterrestrial Lara Crofts, I should also confirm, regretfully, that yes, human males that look to mewling mediocrity Tucker Carlson for guidance on masculinity do exist. Yep, even though he laughs like a cartoon marmot, and his jawline resembles nothing so much as three pounds of rancid mayonnaise in a leaky Ziploc baggie. Dunno what to tell you, common sense wasn’t really a “thing” on the right in the early 21st century…don’t get me started on horse dewormer.

Actually, y’know what? Go ahead and get me started on horse dewormer, since a new study shows as many at 234,000 Americans needlessly died of Covid, because they chose not to take any of the free, safe, effective vaccines. Long-term benefits to the gene pool notwithstanding, why are we allowing the maniacs who spread the disinformation responsible for that horrifying statistic to set education policy? Does that sound like a good idea to anyone?

I mean, I guess if you’ve survived two years of Carlson’s coronavirus lies, you may as well get good n’ lubed up, and irradiate your scrotum. If you’re a SISSY, that is. REAL men dip their ballsack in lye, every morning, with their coffee, which REAL men lace with bleach, thumbtacks, and motor oil.

And because everything is extremely gross these days, we can actually tie Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour directly to recent events in DeSantistan. In a great, big bow. With a tapeworm. And that tapeworm is a Twitter account called “Libs of TikTok,” the ruptured cyst of oozing hatred at the center of the frenzied, manufactured “grooming” panic currently spiraling out of control on the American Right.

Now, to cut through the feigned indignation of the conservative media bubble, what Libs of TikTok does is target LGBTQ+ folks for harassment. This “groomer” shit, like so much right-wing messaging these days, is designed to dehumanize political opponents, in order to justify, and even encourage violence. It’s straight-up Nazi shit, and it scares the piss out of me.

Hey, the next time Donald Trump and Piers Morgan fight, it should be with monkey wrenches.

Unchastened by the blowback from her contribution to white nationalist skidmark Nick Fuentes’ loser sock hop, Janice McGeachin announced her intention to campaign alongside Stew Peters, an equally skeevy little freak who single-handedly blacks out the entire Racist Wingnut Bingo card.

In the grand scheme of things, the Lieutenant Governor of Idaho probably has fewer day-to-day responsibilities than the manager of a reasonably busy KFC, but I guess what I’m saying is, I wouldn’t want my chicken fried by Nazis, either.

Meanwhile, Mark Meadows got caught registering to vote in three different states simultaneously, and a couple of Steve Bannon’s confederates in that dumbass wall-building scam pleaded guilty to defrauding donors, but y’know, something something populism, something something law and order.

These fucking people. It reflects poorly upon American culture and character that we’re even entertaining the thought of returning them to power, but so does the ivermectin-chugging and scrotum-tanning, I suppose. And then there’s this.

Ok, folks, I cannot stomach one more second of this shit; I now require several beers, and I shall have them. Stay safe out there if you’re able, my friends, shit’s been real weird.

UPDATE: Young Maddy Cawthorn did WUT now?