Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Tucker Carlson: New-Age Testicle Guru, and, Amazingly, Other Equally Stupid Shit
“There’s no shortage of assholes,” my dad used to say, as a sort of catch-all explanation for the seemingly endless supply of irksome weirdos one collides with over the course of one’s life. And I think that holds up. There are certainly no kinks in the asshole supply chain at the moment; if anything, the market is overserved, as the following paragraphs will demonstrate.
Well, it only took them two months, but the butchering clod brigade that apparently passes for an army in Moscow finally eliminated nearly all traces of human life and civilization from one city in Ukraine. Congratulations, boys, you turned Mariupol into a mass grave so the idiot billionaire that sent you to die in a foreign land could lay momentary claim to slightly more dirt.
Yes, it’s taken just two months to reduce Vlad the Genocidal Fuckwit to feebly staging premature missile tests, like some dime store Kim Jong-un. Incidentally, calling your big, bad ICBM “Satan II” is the act of high school freshman desperate for puberty to hit. (Personally, I’m looking forward to Satan III: Satan Goes to The Hague.)
Now, I’ll allow that decorating the brigade responsible for the atrocities in Bucha was an inspired bit of trolling, but you’re in a war, not a Twitter spat, and given your performance on the battlefield to date, I’m not sure that giving Ukrainians extra motivation to shoot at you was the wisest move.
Anyway, enjoy all the shiny new howitzers n’ things that’re headed your way; I bet it sucks to be incapable of resupplying your deteriorating “war machine” on account of all those debilitating sanctions, by the way.
Most mephistophelian felicitations go out to Mr. J.D. Vance, who won the death cult equivalent of the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes: the endorsement of a man he once called “America’s Hitler.” Man, that was a whole damn show, wasn’t it? Like watching hogs fight over a turd.
But that’s what Republican politics IS now: morons gyrating depravedly, desperate to gain one racist game show host’s approval. It’s all incredibly healthy.
And now Republicans’re worried, because the Deposed Dotard is proving to be no better at making endorsements than he is at running casinos or managing pandemics or closing umbrellas. And fucking OF COURSE he’s more interested in petty retribution (and equally petty grifting) than in helping the team win elections…does no one listen when he tells the snake story?!?!
Fuck yes, I hope your lil’ kakistocrat kingmaker costs you loads of winnable races this fall, although maybe you kids could find a moment to reflect upon just how you wound up with an electorate that’s so horny to back serial abusers like Eric Greitens, Herschel Walker, and Charles “Gropey” Herbster, because that shit didn’t happen overnight.
That’s why this crap with McConnell and McCarthy is so fucking infuriating; they know exactly what they’re enabling, they understand how wrong and dangerous it is; they’re just too spineless and power-mad to oppose it. Mitch, Kev, speaking on behalf of every patriotic American, I’m real damn tired of paying for your cowardice.
Florida parents were aghast to discover their children’s math textbooks are insufficiently racist…I guess. I mean, there must’ve been a Million Mom March on Tallahassee, all voices rising as one, “Hey! Ho! Kids should learn fractions from Richard Spencer!” Otherwise, why in seven hells is the DeSantis administration behaving this way?
Soon enough, the textbooks will surely insist Florida has always been at war with the Walt Disney Company. And war means sacrifices; Ron-Ron and his minions, in their zeal to crush dissent, casually shifted a massive tax burden onto their own constituents with their legislative conniption, because living under Republican governance means not just accepting institutional bigotry, but financing it.
This paragraph is strictly for the alien archaeologists, trying to work out precisely how and why humanity mysteriously vanished from the face of the Earth around 2050: yes, this is indeed a state government lashing out vengefully at a private corporation, an enormous part of the state’s economy in fact, for not hating gay people enough. That’s what they’ve decided government is for. Yeah, we’re pretty much tantruming towards extinction these days.
Hey, while I have your attention, o ye extraterrestrial Lara Crofts, I should also confirm, regretfully, that yes, human males that look to mewling mediocrity Tucker Carlson for guidance on masculinity do exist. Yep, even though he laughs like a cartoon marmot, and his jawline resembles nothing so much as three pounds of rancid mayonnaise in a leaky Ziploc baggie. Dunno what to tell you, common sense wasn’t really a “thing” on the right in the early 21st century…don’t get me started on horse dewormer.
Actually, y’know what? Go ahead and get me started on horse dewormer, since a new study shows as many at 234,000 Americans needlessly died of Covid, because they chose not to take any of the free, safe, effective vaccines. Long-term benefits to the gene pool notwithstanding, why are we allowing the maniacs who spread the disinformation responsible for that horrifying statistic to set education policy? Does that sound like a good idea to anyone?
I mean, I guess if you’ve survived two years of Carlson’s coronavirus lies, you may as well get good n’ lubed up, and irradiate your scrotum. If you’re a SISSY, that is. REAL men dip their ballsack in lye, every morning, with their coffee, which REAL men lace with bleach, thumbtacks, and motor oil.
And because everything is extremely gross these days, we can actually tie Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour directly to recent events in DeSantistan. In a great, big bow. With a tapeworm. And that tapeworm is a Twitter account called “Libs of TikTok,” the ruptured cyst of oozing hatred at the center of the frenzied, manufactured “grooming” panic currently spiraling out of control on the American Right.
Now, to cut through the feigned indignation of the conservative media bubble, what Libs of TikTok does is target LGBTQ+ folks for harassment. This “groomer” shit, like so much right-wing messaging these days, is designed to dehumanize political opponents, in order to justify, and even encourage violence. It’s straight-up Nazi shit, and it scares the piss out of me.
Hey, the next time Donald Trump and Piers Morgan fight, it should be with monkey wrenches.
Unchastened by the blowback from her contribution to white nationalist skidmark Nick Fuentes’ loser sock hop, Janice McGeachin announced her intention to campaign alongside Stew Peters, an equally skeevy little freak who single-handedly blacks out the entire Racist Wingnut Bingo card.
In the grand scheme of things, the Lieutenant Governor of Idaho probably has fewer day-to-day responsibilities than the manager of a reasonably busy KFC, but I guess what I’m saying is, I wouldn’t want my chicken fried by Nazis, either.
Meanwhile, Mark Meadows got caught registering to vote in three different states simultaneously, and a couple of Steve Bannon’s confederates in that dumbass wall-building scam pleaded guilty to defrauding donors, but y’know, something something populism, something something law and order.
These fucking people. It reflects poorly upon American culture and character that we’re even entertaining the thought of returning them to power, but so does the ivermectin-chugging and scrotum-tanning, I suppose. And then there’s this.
Ok, folks, I cannot stomach one more second of this shit; I now require several beers, and I shall have them. Stay safe out there if you’re able, my friends, shit’s been real weird.
UPDATE: Young Maddy Cawthorn did WUT now?
Priceless as ever: always a highlight of any day your column appears.
Amazingly funny, as always. I eagerly wait for Friday evenings to read your blog.
“Hey, the next time Donald Trump and Piers Morgan fight, it should be with monkey wrenches.”
Electrified monkey wrenches. Oh no, wait (stay with me on this one)… LIGHT SABRE MONKEY WRENCHES.
Cap; You hit all the highlights and lowlifes. Never a shortage. MTG didn’t help herself in an Atlanta court room today. She lied her ass off on multiple occasions, but given the state of Georgia and it’s political climate, MTG is probably safe in spewing more sputum as early as tomorrow morning. I can hear it now—“I own the libs”. That bitch won’t see the error of her ways until she’s sitting for a DOJ Grand Jury. Soon I hope. Has anyone heard—is AG Garland still asleep on the job?
“That bitch won’t see the error of her ways until she’s sitting for a DOJ Grand Jury.”
Most likely, not even then. She’ll play the martyr and fundraise off it.
You’ve outdone yourself:” mephistophelian felicitations”
I can’t say that repetitively very quickly.
However, I believe that Sally sells sea shells by the mephistophelian seashore.
Sht IS getting weirder AND scarier, which is why l always look forward to your colum on Fridays, Cap. Stay safe out there: we all need you.
Enjoyed the article. Spot on. I’m still shaking my head. This isn’t the America I grew up in. The stench of Donald “Sexual Predator” Trump permeates all throughout the Tea/Republican Party. And they think it’s automatic they take over the Senate and the House in the midterm elections of 2022. Might happen. Doubt it though. But they are not gettin’ my vote. I’m a senior citizen. A white mother fucker. Retired U.S. Navy Veteran. I NEVER vote Tea/Republican. They can all go fuck off.
This is your best!!!
How’s the hay fever?
Your Dad was right – no shortage of assholes. Sadly, no shortage of religious fanatics and raving lunatics, either. Thank goodness for your blog, it really helps keep me from descending into complete madness. You are so appreciated!
The senior Senator from Utah has died. Was the cause COVID-19, as happened to Herman Cain? Inquiring minds want to know. Hatch was just another Republican Nazi, but his family and his corporate overlords will certainly miss him. With the insurrectionists, he did try to overturn the election, and he was a superspreader of COVID-19, and he voted twice not to impeach Turd Maggot, and he led the No Taxes for the Rich Bill. Thoughts and prayers to the victims of Hatch and his other Nazi colleagues in the Senate. I am sure the tee vee will not tell the truth, that he was a very evil man.
I’m OLD, and have only credit cards available to support you. I’m not cognoscente to the apps. I’d like to support this, you have my e-mail.