- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
We Have Always Been at War With Easter
Hi everybody! Miss me? I missed y’all! Y’know, I actually made arrangements for a fill-in blogger, but I had to pull her at the last minute after I finally ran the background check. All she told me at the interview was that her name was Ronna, and she was absolutely, positively, categorically not related to Mitt Romney, so I figured, “great, I won’t have to worry about dressage stabling fees.” Live and learn.
Anyway, I’m home on leave from the front lines of the War on Easter. What did I miss? I guess there’s a market for rapist-endorsed Bibles now?
Fortunately, I was able to stop along the way to take advantage of the post-holiday sale on those special, seasonal Reese’s, the ones in the shape of a bunch of transgender people crucifying Christ. They just get the chocolate-to-peanut butter ratio better, y’know?
His Satanic Majesty Joseph Robinette Biden Jr., Darkest of All Possible Brandons, celebrated with the traditional Democrat Party ritual: forcing enslaved Republican children to scrape crosses off Easter eggs by hand.
In contrast, his pious Republican opponent marked the holiday by simply posting a list of People He Would Like His Manic Murder Mob To Do A Stochastic Terrorism To in a tasteful, all-caps font, before going about his regular daily business, dehumanizing immigrants, and begging the journalist-dismembering House of Saud for bail money, likely in exchange for Alaska in the Reich to come.
Don’t let the odd fabricated meeting with a murder victim’s family or video of his political opponent hog-tied in the back of a pickup truck distract you from Off-Brand Orbán’s overall Christlikeness. My favorite New Testament stories have always been the ones where He incessantly targets that one judge’s daughter for harassment and hey, who knows, maybe even violence.
Apparently the $175 million civil fraud appeal bond a certain well-known rapist/valor thief/general sack of crap posted may itself be fraudulent, which surprises all of you a whole lot, I’m sure.
Axios tells us we can gain valuable insight into the cognitive wonder that is Donald Trump’s mind by examining the Spotify playlist he imposes upon the sycophants and foreign spies down at Marm-a-Lago. Allow me to gently suggest you could gain similar insight by snorting Neptune’s Fix and shoving your head up an incontinent warthog’s ass.
House Speaker Moses Johnson spent the week curled up in the fetal position inside his own, personal promised land: the Easter recess, where there are no votes to count or bills to pull from the floor at the last minute, and Marjorie Taylor Greene can’t reach you, not even with her very best space laser. Enjoy it while ya can, Mike, but remember…time wounds all heels.
Embattled shithouse rat Bob Good seems to…excuse me, I misspoke. Embattled “Freedom Caucus Chairman” Bob Good seems to’ve convinced himself that Speaker Mike’s endorsement would be of some use in his primary, and if that strikes you as the sort of judgment you want in a federal lawmaker, go ahead and vote for him, I guess.
Bob himself endorsed convicted Capitol rioter Derrick Evans’ congressional bid, and if that strikes you as the sort of judgment you want in a federal lawmaker, you should know I have an ivermectin tree I’d be willing to part with, assuming the price is right.
House Republicans can’t navigate the lunch order without sparking a fresh round of flash retirements, but they introduced legislation to rename Dulles after the Dotard and honestly, Rapist Game Show Host International Airport has a certain ring to it. “It says we’re scheduled to land at Rapist at 4:32, so pick me up at Gate C at 5?”
Through it all, poor, dumb Jimmy Comer keeps shuffling about, mumbling, “Hey, Mister, stake a fellow American to an impeachment inquiry?” to anybody who doesn’t yet know to cross the street when they see him coming. Comer has managed to brand himself Too Incompetent For MAGA, which is staggering when you consider the legion of fuckups who haven’t.
If that’s not enough to flabber your gasts, somehow Lauren Boebert has become Too TACKY For MAGA, a state of white trash transcendence too vast and incomprehensible for our limited, human consciousness to process. “I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t serve you any more alcohol, you’re making the rest of the hate mob uncomfortable.”
Karl Rove’s “terrorism is bad, actually” take qualifies as left-wing extremism in today’s Republican Party, so if ol’ Turd Blossom turns up on your doorstep, fleeing a lynch mob, consider allowing him sleep in the garage.
John Eastman officially claimed his seat in the weekly disbarred insurrectionists poker game, and Jeffrey Clark looks set to join him, but they don’t take Trump Bucks, so Jeff’ll have to wait and see if his Aunt Libby really comes through with that job at the Dairy Queen.
Jeffrey Goldberg at The Atlantic gave Rob Portman a sneak peek at the legacy he’s been diligently building himself out of pristine blocks of radiant, crystalline cowardice. Obviously, there are many more important reasons to usher the 21st century GOP onto history’s ash heap, but think of the fun we’ll have writing the history books as a bonus.
Apparently 48-year-old Ervin Lee Bolling decided he’d finally jammed enough QAnon memes up his nose with a pencil to make the informed choice to launch a one-dolt civil war, since he crashed his SUV into an FBI building in Atlanta. If it turns out they found a nail gun on the front seat, we may be seeing the first of a whole wave of copycat dipshits.
I would like to lodge a formal complaint with the headline Virginia School Board Member’s Jan. 6 Arrest Fractures Community, for not reading Virginia Community Unites to Drive Seditionist From, Holy Forking Shirtballs, a SCHOOL BOARD?, but I suppose journalists must bow to the objective reality of the partisan divide on the issue of…whether or not terrorists should run schools. You’re registered to vote, right? Could you like, double-check real quick?
Shiny new Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry has had enough of the state’s student-athletes hiding communistly in the locker room during the national anthem, no doubt kneeling, in litter boxes, wearing their furry suits, sipping Bud Lights with Kid Rock, whose fursona is an affably portly raccoon named “Rufus.”
Landry’s not the only one experimenting with Ron DeSantis’ “aggressive culture war douchebag” playbook, as the President of Botswana is threatening to send 20,000 elephants to Germany. Not really in our wheelhouse here at Shower Cap’s Blog, I know, but I’m open to expanding the mission statement. Comprehensive documentation of wingnut asshattery, PLUS up-to-the-minute details on all prospective pachyderm trafficking crises, whaddya think?
No Labels? MORE LIKE NO CANDIDATE AMIRITE? I apologize for depriving you all of my wit these last few weeks. Still, in the long battle against America’s uniquely embarrassing anti-democracy movement, it’s nice to catch a fucking break for once, innit?
Plus, the increased pressure to play spoiler is clearly melting what’s left of RFK Jr.’s mind. He insists Joe Biden is a bigger threat to democracy than the fella who spent the entire transition period participating in every available conspiracy to overturn the results of an election he lost, but in Junior’s defense, that’s just because his brain doesn’t work at all, as evidenced by the stream of bat guano that issues from his fool mouth whenever he discusses, well, anything at all.
As for myself, alas, I invested the beer fridge fund in Trump Media stock, so I’m down to half a flat can of Diet Caffeine Free Coors Light.
As you’ve no doubt surmised, it is once again time for me to bat my pretty little eyes and rattle the ol’ tip jar, (which accepts PayPal, Venmo, and Cash App, if ya didn’t know) and also to let you know next week’s blog will be delayed until the evening of SATURDAY, April 13th, owing to an existing commitment. Until then, as ever, you stay safe out there, chum…
PS – I’m told y’all sold out almost the entire upcoming print run of my WWII comic, Marguerite vs. the Occupation, during my hiatus, but there may still be a copy or two available. Either way, more comics news soon. Ish. I hope. THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR GENEROUS SUPPORT, is what I’m trying to say.
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Glad to see you back! The continuing weirdness of life on this planet is hard to take
Welcome back.
Good to have you back, John! Hope the break was useful, you got your writing done, media-burn healed, etc. Looks as though the CC charge for my copy of ‘Marguerite’ cycled through; can’t wait to get it! Thanks!
“Welcome back
We always could spot a friend…
And what could ever lead ya
(What could ever lead ya)
Back here where we need ya
(Back here where we need ya)
Yeah we tease him a lot
‘Cause we got him on the spot
Welcome back…” –excerpt from /Welcome Back, Kotter/ by John Sebastian, 1975
If I were really clever, I’d tweak the lyrics like Weird Al, but many of them speak for themselves as is. 🙂
Welcome back, Cap! 😀
(And in case I missed it earlier: Happy Belated Welcome Back! :D)
Welcome back, Cap, Old Buddy. I was so happy to see your email tonight. Silly, I know, and you’ve been very unfaithful, but I still luv ya….
wecome back, Big Guy.
Welcome home my Captain! To say I missed you would be a gross understatement so let’s just say ‘OH MY FREAKIN GOD I MISSED YOU!!!’
The experience of slowly (or fastly) losing my mind is infinitely better with you to sort the mess out each week. I’m still trying to figure out how anyone thinks Cheeto Mussolini is a better president than a half stick of melted butter rolled in dog doo….
Okay, I’m done. Whew!
Anyway, glad you’re back, loved the column, happy to contribute to your self-defilement fund!
See ya next week, I hope! 🤗
Omg, did we miss you!!! Thanks for cheering me up on a Friday, Cap!
Glad you’re back.
Awesome to see you back, missed your take on things, but don’t be afraid to take breaks to keep your brain from melting.
Saturday mornings are brighter now. So so so glad you’re back!
Well, flabber my gast, look who showed up in my email box! Cap, it is good to see you, and you haven’t missed a step in terms of wit. Thanks for the Friday night giggles!
“Hiding communistly”! Lordy, I’ve missed you. We need you through November, Cap! Glad you’re back.
Welcome back. The weirdness never ends. Thanks for curating it with your one-of-a-kind sardonicity.
Glad to see you back in the trenches with the rest of us anti-MAGAts.
I love the contraction “to’ve” and plan to use it liberally henceforth. Thanks, Cap.
Is flabber your gast the same as gob your smack?
I was feeling a tad listless and despondent this Saturday morning, missing you as always, and thought, what the heck, I’ll click on his site juuuuust in case….and LO, there you were, back in our lives, all shiny and new, a ray of sunshine in our collective dimness. Thank all the old gods for small favors. (The new gods can fuck right off.)
Hurray! Just in time for the Eclipse! Such a delight to read your tour through our harrowing times.
As ever, love your writing. Cheers!
Great to have you back Cap
As scary as the news may be, that creepy Easter bunny photo is the last damn straw! Well done. I’m scarred for life. P.S. Delighted to see your post in my inbox! Rested up and full of p!ss and vinegar, you are.
NICE! Cap is back better than ever! But there are more Nazis than ever before who want to kill us. There is a new Nazi named “Laurel”? They are brought to you by the Billionaire Nazis of Corporate OverLords LLC. And as always, there is Margie.
Republican state lawmaker Laurel Libby defended Nazis.
“Let’s talk about the Nazis, I would like to know what they did that was illegal. I would like to know what they did, in detail if folks would like to share, that was wrong, that infringed on another person’s right.”…“It is our duty to protect the Nazis’ right to free speech and association, as long as it does not infringe on someone else’s rights – as long as they are not harming someone else,”
https://www.thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/2024/04/lets-talk-about-the-nazis-republican-opposing-paramilitary-activity-ban-under-fire/
Who needs science when we have the Jewish Laser Beam Lady who now warns us about Eclipses and Earthquakes. We must repent or Her All Powerful and Grumpy God will send us many more “signs”, maybe even such things as a Plague…Repent Or Else!
“Marjorie Taylor Greene 22h
@mtgreenee God is sending America strong signs to tell us to repent.
Earthquakes and eclipses and many more things to come.”
I read a piece some time ago on Daily Kos that surmised that God had indeed sent Trump – as a punishment for what we did to his son. Yes, that was in excess of a couple thousand years ago, but only a heartbeat to an immortal being, after all. Sounds about right, to me. DJT does a lot more extensive and permanent damage than a few naturally occurring weather events.
Anyway, I’m sure glad to have you back, Cap. You are a panacea to all the continuing lunacy. Thank you, as always, for your skillful skewering of the MAGATs.
Such a relief to read your column. Thanks.
Thank the Goddess you’re back! I can’t make it through all of this tom-fuckery without you!