I’ve started sleeping with my head in the dryer, in an effort to keep the sensation of following the news going 24/7. Honestly, it didn’t do the trick at first, but then I added some bricks and an opossum from the dumpster out back to the dryer, and I have to say, the effect is stunningly similar.

So, I guess we’ve got to talk about Kanye, which I have attempted to avoid. Like, the whole point of this lil’ blog of mine is to write mean shit about the rat bastards who’re fucking up the world; to be frank, all I have here is a hammer, and yes, everything sure does look an awful lot like a nail as a result.

But I’ve got way too many mental health issues in my own origin story to mock a guy who’s clearly in a lot of pain, and whose problems are only being exacerbated by the global spotlight. But it must be said, desperate Shartworld operatives are now conniving to get West on the ballot in juuuuuust enough states to siphon off juuuuust enough votes to plunge the country into four more years of white supremacy, concentration camps, and plague, and those folks? The bottom-feeding bureaucrats trying to force our democracy through loophole after loophole until it’s warped beyond recognition? Those folks get the hammer.

Donald Trump is a man of many fears…empty stadiums…the public revelation of his actual net worth…stairs…but nothing streaks his spray-on tan with more terrorsweat than the grinning visage of Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr. See, from Wee Don’s point of view, our Joe is the relentless movie monster, steadily advancing in the rear view mirror no matter how fast you drive or what you throw at him; a folksy inevitability, lumbering forward, ever forward, taking aim with steely, inhuman focus at the one thing you value: the legal immunity granted by your office! (Thunder, lightning, ominous music)

And he’s literally LAUGHING IN YOUR FACE as you hit him with your campaign’s best remaining shot, and, okay, admittedly, that shot is, “The Vice President is afraid to take a cognitive test! YES, the one our guy bragged about, with the drawings of horsies and hippos! Biden’s too scared to…he’s…c’mon, man, this gig sucks, I’m just trying to not get fired, okay?”

Anyway, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops is so scurred of the Boogeyjoe that he won’t come out of the residence, so his campaign cleverly doctored a bunch of images to make Biden look like as big a Bunker Bitch as the Dotard himself. Since they can’t lay a finger on Real Joe, they’ll just invent an alternate Joe, the Biden of Earth-2, who does not tend to his toenails in a hygienic manner, and lives in Bernie Sanders’ closet as his personal gimp. Expect these techniques to accelerate as the clock runs out; in six weeks you’ll be explaining to folks back home that sorry, the auxiliary nipples you saw on Joe’s forehead in that Trump ad are, alas, fake news.

Another proposal to un-sink the Shartanic is, I kid you not, adding even more bigotry to a stew that’s already 95% David Duke’s spittle. It’s amazing anybody imagines the problem here is “we’re not scaremongering hard enough about transgender athletes,” but hey, money certainly flows freely in the right-wing griftosphere.

In the latest postmodern Frankenstein update, Twitter and Facebook attempted to rein in the monster of their making, taking down one of Hairplug Himmler’s posts for coronavirus disinformation, with Twitter even blocking his campaign’s account until the lie was completely removed.

By the way, the lie that sparked this social media spanking was that children are “almost immune from this disease,” the disease being COVID-19, you may have seen something about it on the news. A rather significant lie, really. Less of a blaming-a-fart-on-the-dog sort of fib, and more along the lines of an Oh, You’re Trying to Trick People Into Endangering Their Kids’ Lives, Why the Fuck Would You Do That kind of thing.

My point is, all the disingenuous tantrum-throwing about ”free speech” here is in service to protecting Gameshow Göring’s first amendment right to tell child-killing lies. Like, why would you even go looking for that hill, let alone die on it?

Republicans on the Senate Judiciary Committee paid the penalty for their erroneous belief that former Acting Attorney General Sally Yates is someone to fuck with. I confess I don’t understand why the GOP imagines their bullshit talking points will stand up in the harsh light of objective reality, but that certainly explains their coronavirus response, doesn’t it?

Life under the Turd Reich was a fuckin’ grind before the goddamn pandemic, but these last few weeks have been like one long doomscrolling thumb death march, and every fleeting bit of good news has brought SUCH SWEET RELIEF, right? It’s been like crawling through a David-Lean-in-IMAX desert, and this fuckin’ NRA story is like reaching the top of that last dune, a split second before you drop dead, and finding an oasis with a water park and a strip club. Oh, New York Attorney General Letitia James is suing to dissolve the National Rifle Association, you say? I mean, I suppose I’d rather see those death merchants destroyed over the oceans of blood on their hands, but if we can get ‘em on corruption, hey, Al Capone still died in prison.

A recent survey conducted by People Magazine discovered that the six sexiest words in the English language are “Deutsche Bank complied with the subpoena,” following news that the world’s most glamorous money launderers have merrily turned Fat Q*bert’s records over to prosecutors in New York. See, unlike congressional Republicans, DB understands Littlefinger deserves no loyalty, for he will give you none in return. Ask Jeff Sessions about that one sometime.

Fuck, between the NRA thing and the Deutsche Bank thing, I say this calls for a celebration, why don’t you swing by with some brews, and we can OH RIGHT that might be fatal, I forgot about the crushing reality of life during a pandemic for a minute. But you can’t, you literally can’t escape it, which is why all these flailing attempts to get people angry at Joe Biden for skipping Lyin’ Eyes when he drives with the Eagles’ Greatest Hits CD on or whatever bullshit they’re trying this week is doomed to failure; it’s a coronavirus election, Dotard, and if you didn’t want a coronavirus election, you should’ve done something about the FUCKING coronavirus when you had the chance.

Ok, Resisters, we need to have a serious talk. Loose lips sink ships, y’know? Everything was going precisely according to the long-term deep state antifa Jade Helm plan; Joe Biden would take the oath of office, and at the end of his inaugural speech he’d start chuckling to himself and say, “I can’t believe you fools fell for that ‘restore the soul of the nation’ shit! I’ve come here to DESTROY GOD!” and then he’d whip out the Infinity Gauntlet and erase Real ‘Murica with one snap of his cognitive-test-fearing fingers.

But NO, somebody leaked the whole scheme to Government Cheese Goebbels, and he blabbed it all over television the other day, so now God’s totally gonna see Joe coming. You guys, at this rate, we’re NEVER gonna take God out, and if that’s the case, what’s the whole Soros-funded white genocide jihad been for, huh?

A forthcoming book informs us the Manchurian Manchild’s military advisors would deliberately withhold military options from him lest his malfunctioning walnut brain plunge the planet into World War Dumbass and while there are certainly valid questions to ask regarding the constitutionality of the Pentagon treating the president like an unusually stupid toddler, THANK GOD the Pentagon is treating the president like an unusually stupid toddler.

Jerry Falwell Jr. is on an “indefinite leave of absence” from Liberty University following some extra-marital naughtiness he chose to share on Instagram, and I think it’s useful to view these extremely common stories not as the hypocrisies of Christian leaders who fail to live up to their own loudly-professed beliefs, but rather as the entirely ethically consistent acts of the high priests of a white supremacist hate cult masquerading as a legitimate religion. Y’see? It all kinda tumbles into place.

Call forth the Keeper of the Scroll of Words the President of the United States Does Not Know How to Pronounce; yes, I know we just called him forth the other day for the Yosemite thing but he knew what he was getting into when he took this job, which we remind him he is lucky to have in this economy. What ho, Keeper! We do hereby call upon thee to inscribe upon thy scroll, in thy fanciest calligraphy, the word “Thailand,” for he did say “Thighland,” no seriously he totally did, there’s video and everything.

I see Putin’s starting to get anxious, since the party’s breaking up and Dad’s due home any minute now, so he’s fucking around in our elections again. Vlad, I hope that case of PBR was worth it, cuz until your troll farms figure out how to make memes that cure COVID-19, this election is pretty much meddle-proof. We don’t care if Hunter Biden killed Jeffrey Epstein with Vince Foster’s femur, we just want to leave our fucking homes.

Talks over the next coronavirus stimulus bill broke down, because Republicans feared the Democrats’ proposal would alleviate too much human suffering. I guess we have to do that thing now where the markets finally realize, “oh right, these idiots really are that maliciously insane” and wipe out a few billion dollars worth of wealth before we do the thing everybody already understands needs to be done. Shitty, self-indulgent, predictable theatre, only instead of applause, the audience dies destitute.

Well, that’s enough to carry us into our “weekend,” I think. If anybody has any spare time to work up a plan to destroy God…I mean, we need a new one now, soooooo…

PS, I guess while I was writing this post, I missed another creepy little press conference/Klan rally where Strawberry Shartcake said he’d do Obamacare by executive order. You see why I drink.