Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Well, If Your Kink Is Getting Lectured By Malevolent Cowards, This Week Was Great
So, Republicans’ meticulously maintained system of intentionally insane gun laws once again extracted its toll. And since they remain ideologically opposed to (checks notes) protecting children from gun violence, we may as well start the countdown to the next one. I understand folks come to this page for jokes, and I’ll do my best, but no fucking promises tonight.
As you are no doubt aware, an unthinkable tragedy occurred in Texas this week, when Beto O’Rourke disrupted a sacred Republican gaslighting ritual, the traditional post-mass-shooting Wingnut Victimhood Pageant, and just when they were getting to the thoughts n’ prayers, too.
Yeah, that’s really how these slugs’re playing it this time ‘round. Because shame is for cucks.
Truly, nothing reveals the pus-encrusted heart of modern conservatism more than a classroom full of butchered children. And they know this. Used to be, when a shitbag with an assault rifle slaughtered enough grade school kids, the bloodbath’s legislative enablers would at least slink into the shadows for a few days, to allow the sane, decent folk of the nation to howl in grief and rage over this price they force us to pay and pay and pay.
Even that small grace is too much to ask of these rat bastards nowadays, and yes, we’ve long understood that the cruelty is the point with these people, but their defiant, profane insistence that it is their position, atop a mass child grave, that constitutes the moral high ground…I know I say “fuck these evil scumbags” a lot, but fuck these evil scumbags.
They fully understand their position is indefensible, of course. Look at Ted Cruz, who, for all his cowardice, trained in argumentation at the finest schools in the country; he can neither navigate nor endure a simple, reasonable, entirely foreseeable discussion of current events with a journalist. He can do nothing but scamper away, whinging about how unfairly he’s been treated.
Listening to the howling rageweasels of the right wing media bubble, you could be forgiven for assuming the Uvalde massacre was something that happened to them; all roads lead back to the persecution of the poor, trod upon Real Murican, you see. To lift a finger to halt this senseless, preventable carnage would be an intolerable assault on their way of life.
Shit, they might just have to start a whole dang civil war over it. Don’t say they didn’t warn you. (That Tucker Carlson communicates like a textbook domestic abuser is another of those zany coincidences, I’m sure.)
But y’know what, creeps? Your way of life is trash. Outside of the immeasurable suffering you inflict on the world with your firearm fetish, y’all just responded to a global pandemic by throwing suicidal tantrums on a culture-wide scale. You’re not being oppressed, you losers, you’re just idiots who make terrible decisions.
This particular elementary school slaughterhouse is proving especially inconvenient for the gun manufacturers and their legislative puppets, since it so perfectly exposes the cynical sham of the deliberately useless “policies” they’ve implemented in their long, vile crusade to avoid doing the one thing that actually works.
The “good guys with guns” could not possibly have fucked things up any more, which is pretty impressive when you remember the last GGwG from a major school shooting. The district did all the things Republicans have haughtily insisted would keep kids safe. They did not keep kids safe.
And to suggest, as Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton did while the bodies were still warm, that somehow the answer here is even more deadly weapons in our schools, is not just madness, but politically incorrect, 60’s-exploitation-film-set-in-an-asylum-level madness.
What sane person would invent an imaginary epidemic of feral pig attacks to justify inaction in the face of the mass murder of children? Who fucking behaves that way? What, at long last, Senator Cassidy, is fucking wrong with you?
My own take on the divisive feral pigs issue, incidentally, is that we should stop electing them to the fucking Senate.
Oh, by the way, Senate Republicans blocked Democrats’ domestic terrorism prevention bill, to get the crowd warmed up for the main event, when they’ll block any meaningful gun control legislation, because these kids’ graves aren’t gonna piss on themselves.
Of course, no mass shooting is complete without the ceremonial Furious Republican Blaming of Random Shit. An extremely incomplete list:
Doors. “Wokeness.” The 1994 Los Angeles Dodgers’ bullpen. Critical race theory. The homeless. Bob. Carol. Ted. Alice. I guess none of it needs to make sense anymore, if it ever did; Cult45 is only too happy to blindly regurgitate whatever the yapping heads happen to screech.
US Congressman/open white nationalist Paul Gosar leaped aboard a disinformation campaign designed to pin the shooting on a transgender woman, because that’s just the sort of thing you do when your first impulse in any given situation is “spread more hate.” I’m starting to doubt there’s any bottom to this depravity, but if there is, Paul’s my pick to get there first.
And I imagine scientists could only speculate on the long-term effects of the parasitic relationship between Jason Whitlock and the psychic tapeworm devouring the remaining six ounces his brain.
Then there’s Herschel Walker. Headlines are like, What the Actual Fuck is This Idiot Saying It’s Literally Gibberish Holy Balls They’re Trying to Make Him a Fucking Senator We Are All Going to Die. At this point, I feel like, given what we know about Walker, any rational human would find the idea of making him a federal lawmaker absurd. 800,000 Georgia Republicans are really into Ionesco, I guess.
Since we’re here, yeah, I guess we may as well stumble over to the outhouse of horrors that is the 2022 Republican primary calendar.
Now, I enjoy a good Donald Trump is a Loser Who Loses So Very Hard story as much as the next guy, and, given his extensively documented shortcomings as an evaluator of fitness for office, I certainly support the idea of breaking his power as GOP kingmaker, but let us not forget that Brian Kemp and Brad Raffensperger are experienced, professional vote suppressors, who pursue all the same anti-democracy goals, with a fraction of the fuss.
Still, Chris Christie smells blood, and sure, it’s probably just leftover ketchup from a McDonald’s run during his errand boy days, but I say, dogpile away, campers, though I’ve seen enough horror films to know this fucker’s nowhere near done yet.
Wee Michael Pence busted out his best Ric Flair strut, too, as though we wouldn’t notice he couldn’t quite find the courage to oppose the guy who tried to have him lynched until the Perdue campaign was pronounced medically deceased. Whatever.
I suppose this is the appropriate spot to mention the new revelation, that Off-Brand Orbán was such a big fan of the “Hang Mike Pence” chants on January 6th that he couldn’t keep his enthusiasm to himself. Which gives all those gossipy, “Pence breaks with Trump” headlines a lil’ edge, don’tcha think?
…but they’re still never gonna vote for ya, Mikey. The faithful don’t elect Judas, that’s not how that story goes. You ate shit for four years, scorched your immortal soul beyond redemption, and all you have to show for it is history’s soggiest cracker. Them’s the breaks, you enabling taintfungus. You deserve it, by the way. You deserve it sooooooooooo much.
What a goddamn shitshow. At least somebody finally flushed the last lingering floater of the Bush clan. Bye.
Seems kinda stalemate-y in Ukraine this week, or maybe domestic atrocities simply drained me of the capacity to pay attention, who knows?
Vlad the Miscalculator may have finally shrunk his goals to a size his moron army can manage by pressing the Make Bomb Go button, but the whole world still caught him frantically rifling through his closet for Cold War tanks to replace the toys he’s so petulantly smashed.
However, now that the Shart of War has banned Morgan Freeman and John McCain from entering his shithole police state, expect Ukrainian military strategy to collapse, reliant as it is on dead legislators’ vacation plans.
So, turns out Donald Trump Jr. pays people to bait bears so he can shoot them, which is pretty much the least surprising thing I’ve ever read. The level of self-delusion it must take to look at these embarrassing people, and see strength…well, it helps explain the ivermectin thing, I suppose.
I know you’ve all worn through several fainting couches since first we met, but apparently Jared Kushner and Steve Mnuchin abused their government posts to engage in cartoonishly corrupt dealings with the journalist-dismembering House of Saud. I’m thinking of selling Shower Cap-branded smelling salts to help readers through paragraphs like this one.
Yikes. I bet everybody could use a couple of those Donald Trump is a Loser Who Loses So Very Hard stories I mentioned a little while back, right? Fear not, the week saw not one, but two massive legal setbacks for the Deposed Dotard and his criminal spawn. Death, taxes, Donald Trump losing in court.
It appears Elise Stefanik’s revolting history of spouting the white nationalist great replacement theory* landed her on Gameshow Göring’s 2024 running mate shortlist, in the event you’re still in denial about living in Hell. Nobody ever got fired from The Apprentice for Nazi shit, y’know.
Meanwhile, in Michigan, five separate Republican candidates for Governor have been disqualified for submitting fraudulent petition signatures. Also, looks like we can add “incinerating documents in the West Wing” to the list of Mark Meadows’ crimes against American democracy.
Oh, and monkeypox, too. Because fuck you, that’s why.
Yeah, this week sure did lob a steady stream of paving stones right at our collective groin, but don’t you dare give up. Because Australia just booted their own cheap Trump knockoff, and Brazil looks ready to follow suit. And hey, check out the crowd that showed up at the NRA’s unseemly propaganda festival today. Times are hot rhino shit on melba toast lately, I grant you, but this fever will break, and we will be the ones to help break it.
There’s certainly no shortage of bastards in the grinding-you-down business these days, but fuck them. All that horse dewormer is gonna catch up to ‘em someday real soon, you’ll see.
Ok, I need to go drink beer and watch professional wrestling for a couple days. Stay safe, my loves, and take care of yourselves, there’s plenty of work ahead of us.
*Which, it turns out, was about Mike Pence all along.