The news…good lord, the NEWS. “Hey Cap, just for today, why don’t you only tell me the parts that aren’t about mega-racist shitsacks being mega-racist?” Because the blog would be like, three paragraphs long, that’s why. Welcome to Republican Closing Argument Time, a few short days ahead of the 2018 midterm elections…

So the Velveeta Vulgarian went where he was decidedly unwanted; Pittsburgh, PA, in the aftermath of the terrorist mass-murder inspired by an anti-Semitic conspiracy theory that he himself continues to use his Presidential pulpit to spread even today. WEIRD THAT NOBODY WANTED HIM TO COME, HUH?

Fuckhead actually tried to trick Pennsylvania officials into appearing alongside his violence-inciting, mile-wide ass.  Anyway, in the end, he popped in just long to shoot a little campaign video in praise of himself, and lie about the protesters who follow him every time he actually has the sack to step outside of his home turf. And then he scurried back to his safe space.

Well, we figured out why Cowboy Ryan Zinke was so eager to replace Interior’s inspector general with an obedient stooge; one of the watchdog’s multiple investigations into the Extra Grifty Secretary has been referred to the Justice Department for possible criminal prosecution. Timing’s a bitch, Ryan.

What’s really fun here is that Zinke Bootz has so many different open investigations that it wasn’t immediately clear just which one was referred. The Failing New York Times has helpfully provided this handy guide to his near-Pruitt-sized stack of ethics scandals.

I guess everybody suddenly noticed that Iowa CongressFink Steve King is some kind of bigot! Suddenly his big corporate sponsors are pulling out because they are shocked, SHOCKED I say, at his recent cavorting with Nazi eurotrash. I dunno, Land O’Lakes, Purina…Steve’s been a fairly open white supremacist for as long as I can remember, he’s just a little showier lately, doing striptease routines at fascist bachelor parties, wearing glow-in-the-dark Klan pasties on his nipples. You don’t get bonus points for pulling out once a dude starts Instagramming his cross burnings, is all I’m saying.

God bless him, he’s still got Ted Cruz, though! Ted may be a sniveling little toad of a man, but at least he’s loyal to white nationalists and dudes who mock his wife and father, you have to give him that.

Anyway, Steve-O is not handling his newfound notoriety well. He’s throwing tantrums when confronted over his record, and as always, I’m struck by just how whiny the supposed “master race” gets when cornered. His Democratic opponent, J.D. Scholten, has been creeping up in the polls and raising money like gangbusters, so maybe just maybe we can finally flush this turd next Tuesday.

Hey, remember the other day, when Mike Pants insulted the entire Jewish community by having a “Messianic Jew” speak at an event allegedly honoring the victims of the Pittsburgh massacre? Turns out, the dude wasn’t even a rabbi, he was defrocked a full fifteen fucking years ago! It’s kind of the perfect Shart Administration story isn’t it? Dishonest, disrespectful, hateful, and bungled like the Three Stooges’ understudies were in charge.

Anyway, Mikey Hairshirt had his own little “please clap” moment today, whining that he was being upstaged by Oprah Winfrey, who was campaigning for Stacey Abrams, and who, unlike the Vice President, is, y’know…liked.

Details just keep on drip-drip-dripping out on the Mueller investigation’s slow, methodical, circling of Roger Stone. I’m almost worried about getting my hopes up for a Stone indictment, it’s been so heavily teased now…if it doesn’t happen, it’ll be like finding out that giant package under the Xmas tree was just a laundry hamper. It’s kinda fun that it looks like Steve Bannon is selling ol’ Rog out to the Bobadook, though.

Speaking of Darth Wino, he slithered down to Wichita, in the heart of usually-deep-red Kansas, for an event that drew a mere 17 spectators, a figure lower than the number of shirts he was wearing.

Whew. I need a break from all this bile and general jagoffishness. Wouldn’t a little tonal shift be nice? A little palate cleanser before we wade through the rest of the genuinely horrible crap that’s going on?

Well, it just so happens, I have the diversion you’re looking for. Please enjoy this refreshing sorbet in the form of The Tale of Jacob Wohl and the Very Worst Plan Ever.

Wohl, if you’re unfamiliar, is this weird, creepy, Twitter troll who’s mostly “famous” for latching onto Donnie Dotard’s tweets like some sort of sewage remora. Oh, and at the ripe old age of 20, he’s already been banned for life from the financial services industry.

Anyway, this bright young lad concocted a little plot to take down Rascally Robert Mueller by weaponizing the #MeToo movement, using the espionage skills of someone who maybe read the back of a James Bond VHS case once. To say that there were a few holes in Jacob’s little scheme is…really quite generous. I won’t recap the details here, largely because the whole thing is pretty fucking funny on its own. Check it out, it’s got everything from two-time Academy Winner Christoph Waltz to a phony private intelligence agency using…I kid you not, Wohl’s mom’s phone number.

What’s amazing here is that at no point in laying out or executing his “master plan” did young Jacob seem to notice that what he was actually constructing was a very large, very powerful vise around his own scrotum.

Anyway, this afternoon, Wohl and his partner, another conspiracy peddler named Jack Burkman, held what I’m told was a real press conference, and not an elaborate sketch comedy bit. Their totally-real-yuh-huh-she-is Mueller accuser shockingly did not appear as promised, perhaps due to an extreme allergic reaction to unbridled idiocy. Perhaps she is a pooka.

Because the show-runner understands that God is in the details, Burkman’s fly was open during the entire press conference. Perfection is so rare in the human experience, but I think today, Jake n’ Jack achieved the Dipshit Self-Own version of the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. And they’ve earned themselves a nifty little FBI investigation into their shenanigans for their trouble.

Anyhow. We now return to the meth-addled Klan rally we call “the news.”

Looks like Nikki Haley’s replacement as U.N. Ambassador is gonna be a former Fux Nooz host without any of that…what’s the word I’m looking for…oh right, any of that ”experience” that you’d typically look for with this sort of post. I keep telling you we live in Hell, and at some point you’ll have to admit I’m right.

Pissant Pol Pot, terrified at the looming prospect of a Congress that actually holds him accountable for his crimes, waddled up to the ol’ electoral karaoke machine, and sang the only song he’s ever bothered to learn, that classic 1965 hit, “Lock the Doors Papa, There Are Brown-Skinned People Hiding Around Every Corner.”

Yes, hoping that nobody noticed his promised middle-class tax cut failed to materialize, President Crotchrot is letting it all ride on Hideous, Unapologetic, Fear-Mongering Racist Hate.

He doesn’t want Americans talking about the health care he tried to steal from millions. He doesn’t want us discussing the scam tax bill where he redistributed the fruits of recent prosperity directly to himself and his plutocrat pals. No, he wants folks trembling in their basements, snarling to one another about how much they fear and despise anyone who looks, or thinks, or prays, or loves differently than they do.

And heaven help us if he’s successful.

So he starts babbling about how he’s gonna overturn birthright citizenship by executive order, and maybe it’s a little funny that he doesn’t understand how the fucking government works even after two years as President, but on the other hand we’re talking about a rapidly deteriorating white nationalist with ambitions of unchecked dictatorship, so maybe I won’t be laughing when I celebrate my next birthday in a labor camp, right?

And I see Weehands McNodick wants to deploy basically the entire American Armed Forces to the southern border, such is his desperation to make the Big Scary Migrant Caravan a campaign issue. As a matter of fact, YOU have just been drafted and deployed to the border. Why are you sitting there reading this hilarious blog, soldier? ROLL OUT!! MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT!!!!

…cuz nothing says “stable leadership” than pissing away millions of taxpayer dollars to send troops to the border to…hang around and wait for people to travel hundreds on miles on foot. Donnie Two-Scoops insists the caravan is larger than reported, because…sigh…because he’s really good at judging crowd size. I refuse to take the bait for such an obvious gag. It’s beneath me.

Dorito Mussolini cut a last-minute campaign ad before the midterms, and it offers a surprisingly detailed plan to utilize a number of different tools to reinvigorate the manufacturing sector in the Rust BelHAHAHAHA just kidding, it’s repugnant racist fear-mongering straight out of Stephen Miller’s wettest dream. The Willie Horton ad is over in the corner, going, “Dude, TOO FAR.”

So, Brian Kemp took a brief vacation from suppressing votes (fucker’s about to go door-to-door in black neighborhoods, slashing tires) to drop out of a scheduled debate with Stacey Abrams. Then, without a moment’s hesitation or an ounce of shame, he turns around and smugly accuses Abrams of canceling, because in the 2018 GOP, honesty is for CUCKS.

Republicans are really taking advantage of their base’s gullibility, and honestly, after watching the Trumpkins eat plateful after plateful of their God Emperor’s shit for two years, can you blame ‘em? Surely the dead-eyed rubes who believe garbage like Pizzagate and Jade Helm won’t have any problem believing that a CongressJag who voted 50 times to repeal Obamacare is really a lifelong champion of protecting coverage for Americans with pre-existing conditions, observable evidence be damned!

By 2020, they’ll show up at your house, shoot your dog, and insist Elizabeth Warren did it.

Anyway, let no one claim the GOP is neglecting their bench! Meet Washington State Representative Matt Shea, who has a “manifesto” offering some real cutting edge solutions, among them…genocidal elimination of non-Christians! Maybe after 2028 he can be President KKKobach’s HHS Secretary HA HA HA HA (weeps).

And don’t sleep on Ed Charamut in Connecticut, who figured now is the perfect moment to fling some insanely anti-Semitic tropes at his Jewish opponent in a campaign mailer! Ed’ll be in the Cabinet by Xmas!

The Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton’s Upper Lip continued to assert control over America’s foreign policy, since his boss is too busy golfing and rage-tweeting at CNN to bother with such petty details. Anyhoo, Bolton proclaimed a brand new “Troika of Tyranny” today, and I swear to you that’s not a Shower Cap joke, but a real thing in real life. (I woulda said “Triumvirate of Treachery,” because it’s much cooler.)

And Hairpiece Himmler called a little press conference this afternoon, so he could trick the media into airing his odious, hate-n’-fear-filled, stump speech one more time. For extra depravity, he offhandedly suggested that he’d order the military to fire on anyone at the border who so much as throws a rock, which is, ok, murder and a war crime, but who’s countin’?

Watching this anus-mouthed taintfungus play pretend tough guy, proposing the slaughter of unarmed civilians with barely-concealed arousal…it makes you want to retire a bunch of his jelly-spined congressional enablers, doesn’t it? We’ve still got a few days, so pop on over to Shower Cap’s Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms, pick a few races, and pitch in. And don’t stop there! I ran out of time, there are another couple of dozen lean/likely R races where we’ve got a real shot. Check out the ratings folks for more information. Let’s surprise a few of these fucks, huh?

Oh hey, the Obamacare open enrollment period started! If you really wanna get under Shart Garfunkel’s skin, spread the word far and wide, because nothing pisses off the President of the United States more than American citizens signing up for the health insurance they’re legally entitled to!

…with that utterly depressing and absurd sentence, I leave you. I’d tell ya to vote, but there’s no way anybody who reads all the way to the end of THIS blog isn’t already a voter.