Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
And Lo, the Lord Sent Unto Them a Jacob Wohl, to Laugh At in Their Darkest Hour!
The news…good lord, the NEWS. “Hey Cap, just for today, why don’t you only tell me the parts that aren’t about mega-racist shitsacks being mega-racist?” Because the blog would be like, three paragraphs long, that’s why. Welcome to Republican Closing Argument Time, a few short days ahead of the 2018 midterm elections…
So the Velveeta Vulgarian went where he was decidedly unwanted; Pittsburgh, PA, in the aftermath of the terrorist mass-murder inspired by an anti-Semitic conspiracy theory that he himself continues to use his Presidential pulpit to spread even today. WEIRD THAT NOBODY WANTED HIM TO COME, HUH?
Fuckhead actually tried to trick Pennsylvania officials into appearing alongside his violence-inciting, mile-wide ass. Anyway, in the end, he popped in just long to shoot a little campaign video in praise of himself, and lie about the protesters who follow him every time he actually has the sack to step outside of his home turf. And then he scurried back to his safe space.
Well, we figured out why Cowboy Ryan Zinke was so eager to replace Interior’s inspector general with an obedient stooge; one of the watchdog’s multiple investigations into the Extra Grifty Secretary has been referred to the Justice Department for possible criminal prosecution. Timing’s a bitch, Ryan.
What’s really fun here is that Zinke Bootz has so many different open investigations that it wasn’t immediately clear just which one was referred. The Failing New York Times has helpfully provided this handy guide to his near-Pruitt-sized stack of ethics scandals.
I guess everybody suddenly noticed that Iowa CongressFink Steve King is some kind of bigot! Suddenly his big corporate sponsors are pulling out because they are shocked, SHOCKED I say, at his recent cavorting with Nazi eurotrash. I dunno, Land O’Lakes, Purina…Steve’s been a fairly open white supremacist for as long as I can remember, he’s just a little showier lately, doing striptease routines at fascist bachelor parties, wearing glow-in-the-dark Klan pasties on his nipples. You don’t get bonus points for pulling out once a dude starts Instagramming his cross burnings, is all I’m saying.
God bless him, he’s still got Ted Cruz, though! Ted may be a sniveling little toad of a man, but at least he’s loyal to white nationalists and dudes who mock his wife and father, you have to give him that.
Anyway, Steve-O is not handling his newfound notoriety well. He’s throwing tantrums when confronted over his record, and as always, I’m struck by just how whiny the supposed “master race” gets when cornered. His Democratic opponent, J.D. Scholten, has been creeping up in the polls and raising money like gangbusters, so maybe just maybe we can finally flush this turd next Tuesday.
Hey, remember the other day, when Mike Pants insulted the entire Jewish community by having a “Messianic Jew” speak at an event allegedly honoring the victims of the Pittsburgh massacre? Turns out, the dude wasn’t even a rabbi, he was defrocked a full fifteen fucking years ago! It’s kind of the perfect Shart Administration story isn’t it? Dishonest, disrespectful, hateful, and bungled like the Three Stooges’ understudies were in charge.
Anyway, Mikey Hairshirt had his own little “please clap” moment today, whining that he was being upstaged by Oprah Winfrey, who was campaigning for Stacey Abrams, and who, unlike the Vice President, is, y’know…liked.
Details just keep on drip-drip-dripping out on the Mueller investigation’s slow, methodical, circling of Roger Stone. I’m almost worried about getting my hopes up for a Stone indictment, it’s been so heavily teased now…if it doesn’t happen, it’ll be like finding out that giant package under the Xmas tree was just a laundry hamper. It’s kinda fun that it looks like Steve Bannon is selling ol’ Rog out to the Bobadook, though.
Whew. I need a break from all this bile and general jagoffishness. Wouldn’t a little tonal shift be nice? A little palate cleanser before we wade through the rest of the genuinely horrible crap that’s going on?
Well, it just so happens, I have the diversion you’re looking for. Please enjoy this refreshing sorbet in the form of The Tale of Jacob Wohl and the Very Worst Plan Ever.
Wohl, if you’re unfamiliar, is this weird, creepy, Twitter troll who’s mostly “famous” for latching onto Donnie Dotard’s tweets like some sort of sewage remora. Oh, and at the ripe old age of 20, he’s already been banned for life from the financial services industry.
Anyway, this bright young lad concocted a little plot to take down Rascally Robert Mueller by weaponizing the #MeToo movement, using the espionage skills of someone who maybe read the back of a James Bond VHS case once. To say that there were a few holes in Jacob’s little scheme is…really quite generous. I won’t recap the details here, largely because the whole thing is pretty fucking funny on its own. Check it out, it’s got everything from two-time Academy Winner Christoph Waltz to a phony private intelligence agency using…I kid you not, Wohl’s mom’s phone number.
What’s amazing here is that at no point in laying out or executing his “master plan” did young Jacob seem to notice that what he was actually constructing was a very large, very powerful vise around his own scrotum.
Anyway, this afternoon, Wohl and his partner, another conspiracy peddler named Jack Burkman, held what I’m told was a real press conference, and not an elaborate sketch comedy bit. Their totally-real-yuh-huh-she-is Mueller accuser shockingly did not appear as promised, perhaps due to an extreme allergic reaction to unbridled idiocy. Perhaps she is a pooka.
Because the show-runner understands that God is in the details, Burkman’s fly was open during the entire press conference. Perfection is so rare in the human experience, but I think today, Jake n’ Jack achieved the Dipshit Self-Own version of the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. And they’ve earned themselves a nifty little FBI investigation into their shenanigans for their trouble.
Anyhow. We now return to the meth-addled Klan rally we call “the news.”
Looks like Nikki Haley’s replacement as U.N. Ambassador is gonna be a former Fux Nooz host without any of that…what’s the word I’m looking for…oh right, any of that ”experience” that you’d typically look for with this sort of post. I keep telling you we live in Hell, and at some point you’ll have to admit I’m right.
Pissant Pol Pot, terrified at the looming prospect of a Congress that actually holds him accountable for his crimes, waddled up to the ol’ electoral karaoke machine, and sang the only song he’s ever bothered to learn, that classic 1965 hit, “Lock the Doors Papa, There Are Brown-Skinned People Hiding Around Every Corner.”
Yes, hoping that nobody noticed his promised middle-class tax cut failed to materialize, President Crotchrot is letting it all ride on Hideous, Unapologetic, Fear-Mongering Racist Hate.
He doesn’t want Americans talking about the health care he tried to steal from millions. He doesn’t want us discussing the scam tax bill where he redistributed the fruits of recent prosperity directly to himself and his plutocrat pals. No, he wants folks trembling in their basements, snarling to one another about how much they fear and despise anyone who looks, or thinks, or prays, or loves differently than they do.
And heaven help us if he’s successful.
So he starts babbling about how he’s gonna overturn birthright citizenship by executive order, and maybe it’s a little funny that he doesn’t understand how the fucking government works even after two years as President, but on the other hand we’re talking about a rapidly deteriorating white nationalist with ambitions of unchecked dictatorship, so maybe I won’t be laughing when I celebrate my next birthday in a labor camp, right?
And I see Weehands McNodick wants to deploy basically the entire American Armed Forces to the southern border, such is his desperation to make the Big Scary Migrant Caravan a campaign issue. As a matter of fact, YOU have just been drafted and deployed to the border. Why are you sitting there reading this hilarious blog, soldier? ROLL OUT!! MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT!!!!
…cuz nothing says “stable leadership” than pissing away millions of taxpayer dollars to send troops to the border to…hang around and wait for people to travel hundreds on miles on foot. Donnie Two-Scoops insists the caravan is larger than reported, because…sigh…because he’s really good at judging crowd size. I refuse to take the bait for such an obvious gag. It’s beneath me.
Dorito Mussolini cut a last-minute campaign ad before the midterms, and it offers a surprisingly detailed plan to utilize a number of different tools to reinvigorate the manufacturing sector in the Rust BelHAHAHAHA just kidding, it’s repugnant racist fear-mongering straight out of Stephen Miller’s wettest dream. The Willie Horton ad is over in the corner, going, “Dude, TOO FAR.”
So, Brian Kemp took a brief vacation from suppressing votes (fucker’s about to go door-to-door in black neighborhoods, slashing tires) to drop out of a scheduled debate with Stacey Abrams. Then, without a moment’s hesitation or an ounce of shame, he turns around and smugly accuses Abrams of canceling, because in the 2018 GOP, honesty is for CUCKS.
Republicans are really taking advantage of their base’s gullibility, and honestly, after watching the Trumpkins eat plateful after plateful of their God Emperor’s shit for two years, can you blame ‘em? Surely the dead-eyed rubes who believe garbage like Pizzagate and Jade Helm won’t have any problem believing that a CongressJag who voted 50 times to repeal Obamacare is really a lifelong champion of protecting coverage for Americans with pre-existing conditions, observable evidence be damned!
By 2020, they’ll show up at your house, shoot your dog, and insist Elizabeth Warren did it.
Anyway, let no one claim the GOP is neglecting their bench! Meet Washington State Representative Matt Shea, who has a “manifesto” offering some real cutting edge solutions, among them…genocidal elimination of non-Christians! Maybe after 2028 he can be President KKKobach’s HHS Secretary HA HA HA HA (weeps).
And don’t sleep on Ed Charamut in Connecticut, who figured now is the perfect moment to fling some insanely anti-Semitic tropes at his Jewish opponent in a campaign mailer! Ed’ll be in the Cabinet by Xmas!
The Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton’s Upper Lip continued to assert control over America’s foreign policy, since his boss is too busy golfing and rage-tweeting at CNN to bother with such petty details. Anyhoo, Bolton proclaimed a brand new “Troika of Tyranny” today, and I swear to you that’s not a Shower Cap joke, but a real thing in real life. (I woulda said “Triumvirate of Treachery,” because it’s much cooler.)
And Hairpiece Himmler called a little press conference this afternoon, so he could trick the media into airing his odious, hate-n’-fear-filled, stump speech one more time. For extra depravity, he offhandedly suggested that he’d order the military to fire on anyone at the border who so much as throws a rock, which is, ok, murder and a war crime, but who’s countin’?
Watching this anus-mouthed taintfungus play pretend tough guy, proposing the slaughter of unarmed civilians with barely-concealed arousal…it makes you want to retire a bunch of his jelly-spined congressional enablers, doesn’t it? We’ve still got a few days, so pop on over to Shower Cap’s Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms, pick a few races, and pitch in. And don’t stop there! I ran out of time, there are another couple of dozen lean/likely R races where we’ve got a real shot. Check out the ratings folks for more information. Let’s surprise a few of these fucks, huh?
Oh hey, the Obamacare open enrollment period started! If you really wanna get under Shart Garfunkel’s skin, spread the word far and wide, because nothing pisses off the President of the United States more than American citizens signing up for the health insurance they’re legally entitled to!
…with that utterly depressing and absurd sentence, I leave you. I’d tell ya to vote, but there’s no way anybody who reads all the way to the end of THIS blog isn’t already a voter.