Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Cap’s Very Legal & Very Cool Roundup of Every Dirtbag From Paul Manafort to Alex Acosta
Y’know, normally it’s delightful news when a garbage person gets their comeuppance, and it’s certainly fun watching the walls close in on Conman Don, but sometimes you remember he’s still an utterly immoral shitsack wielding the powers of the Presidency, and you wonder, “Hey, you don’t think he’d order a tactical strike on the FBI just to save his own ass…do you?” This is not the correct week to quit sniffing glue, is what I’m saying.
Word on the street is, Paul Manafort may be even more #Manafucked that we thought. A story in the Guardian claims Precocious Paul used to swing by the Ecuadorian embassy in London to visit his pal Julian Assange, bringing him root beer and porno mags, and maybe plotting some secret treasonous collusion/assorted acts of naughtiness together. Even during the 2016 campaign. Oh myyyyyyyy.
Now, nobody else has this story at the moment, and of course Paul n’ Julie deny it, so maybe it’s true and maybe it’s not. Only the Bobadook knows for sure.
But we also learned that Paulie’s lawyers have been passing info on their talks with the Mueller investigation on to the Clowncar Full of Rectums Trump calls his legal team. This has naturally led to speculation that Boss Shart and his onetime campaign chair may have been coordinating their bullshit answers, in which case RUH ROH cuz if Manafort’s been caught lying to Team Bob, and you were copying his homework…let’s just leave it at RUH ROH for now.
And now the Mueller crew is talking about a shiny new trial on shiny new charges, plus retrying the hung jury stuff from Paul’s earlier trial. Y’know, between this an the ostrich jacket, I’m starting to conclude that this Manafort fellow isn’t especially bright.
I guess Departed Master Grifter Scott Pruitt used to get the questions in advance before he’d do interviews on Fux n’ Fiends? Jesus Christ, man, can’t you even regurgitate propaganda on state TV without training wheels? Maybe the soundproof proof wasn’t for jacking off after all, but for weeping in shame. Fux Nooz is said to be disciplining the employees involved, possibly by forcing them to watch Judge Jeanine.
DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, apparently aspiring to a legacy as one of American history’s great monsters, tried justifying the government’s tear-gassing of human children by spinning some completely baseless horseshit about the sinister “organizers” of the dastardly caravan using women and kids as “human shields.” I’d like to thank Kirstjen for helping me understand the phrase, “the banality of evil.” The casual ease with which she dehumanizes refugees is breathtaking, and horrifying.
Well, the Senate White Supremacist Dipshit Caucus remains intact, as Cindy Hyde-Smith won the runoff in Mississippi against Mike Espy. I know it’s disappointing, friends, but if we’re coming within 8 points in races like this, we’ve got many beautiful, sun-drenched, butterfly-filled, fields of winning yet to frolic through in the coming years. And Mike’s already filed for re-match in 2020.
I’m frankly surprised I even got a blog up tonight, cuz laughing at Jerome Corsi is practically a full-time job these days. Like, imagine being in serious, super-real, potentially-dying-in-prison, legal jeopardy and turning to Larry Klayman for help. Just imagine it. My theory is, when you spend your life peddling ridiculous conspiracy theories to rubes, eventually you come to believe that everyone alive is exactly as dumb and gullible as your audience.
The Hairplug That Ate Decency, reeling from the news that his Stupid Trade War caused layoffs at GM, figured that rather than developing new policies that would actually help the American automotive industry instead of curb-stomping it (which would probably require reading and work, EW!), he’d just pout and moan and make some threats about cutting off GM’s subsidies. There are, it should almost go without saying, no subsidies for him to cut off. Because he is a stupid, stupid, man.
The Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits, who doesn’t understand NATO or trade deficits or umbrellas, says he’s too smart to believe in climate change. I think that one stands on its own without further comment.
This week in News So Gross It’ll Make You Want to Boil Your Eyeballs for Reading It, the Miami Herald revealed that Labor Secretary Alex Acosta, in his younger days as a federal prosecutor, abused his post to let mega-rich hedge fund dirtbag Jeffrey Epstein off the hook for his many crimes, and ok, rich, connected dudes get away with shit all the time.
…but in Epstein’s case, we’re talking about a dude who sexually abused and trafficked god knows how many underaged girls. A scumfuck of the vilest imaginable sort, and Acosta gave him a slap on the wrist, protecting him from future legal troubles for good measure. Who’s the bigger monster? The monster, or the man who enables the monstrousness?
(Say, why isn’t the pizzagate crowd up in arms about a Trump cabinet member shielding an actual, real-life, child sex trafficker from justice?)
Now, Team Shart has done some self-righteous harrumphing about how this story means Acosta is now out of the running for the Attorney General gig, but WHY THE FUCK IS THIS SHITSTAIN STILL IN THE CABINET AT ALL? Alex Acosta shouldn’t be able to walk around in public without decent people pelting him with feces. But he gets to be one of the most powerful people in the country, COOL.
State-level RepubliJags in North Carolina, Michigan, and Wisconsin are reacting to the public’s overwhelming rejection of them and their shitty agenda by attempting to ram their most extreme fuckery through in lame-duck sessions, because why should a silly little thing like the will of the people interfere with their plans to transform their states into Brownbackistanian hellscapes? So it’s a voter ID law in NC, and stripping the powers of incoming Dem governors in Wisco and Michigan. Watching one of America’s major political parties abandon democracy is not, I confess, among my favorite things.
So, I guess we’ve got the money to send President Bloated Shitmaggot golfing twice a week, but the VA tried to get away with underpaying GI Bill benefits to our veterans? They backed down once their shitbaggery earned a big fat fuckin’ spotlight, just the latest reason to give enormous praise and thanks to our free press.
Princess Ivanka insisted that her private e-mail scandal is super duper different than Hillary Clinton’s private e-mail scandal, largely because, and I quote, “I’m the President’s daughter AND he wants to fuck me, good luck holding me accountable for anything, bitches!”
Massive, earth-shaking, tidal-wave-from-the-east-while-Godzilla-stomps-in-from-the-west trouble in Trumpland this week, with the news that Michael Cohen has entered into a plea agreement with Mueller & co., confessing to lying to Congress about Boss Treasonweasel’s ongoing negotiations with th’Russians during the 2016 campaign. The Sensei of Sez-Hoo is basically just wandering around these days, accosting random strangers on the street, offering to plead guilty to various high crimes in exchange for cigarettes and chewing gum.
I particularly enjoyed the detail where the Swiss Family Robinshart figured they’d sweeten the pot for Uncle Putin by offering him the $50 million penthouse free of charge! It’s ok, folks…it’s just the future President of the United States trying to bribe the leader of a hostile foreign power at the exact moment said hostile foreign power was actively carrying out an attack on our country.
Now Vlad, if you’re readin’, I don’t have a penthouse to offer, but if you ever wanna crash on my couch, you are most welcome. I will probably dump the contents of the litter box on you while you sleep, but help yourself to anything in the fridge. Except the beer, of course. Help yourself to the ham cubes and expired ranch, is what I’m saying.
In light of Cohen’s plea, it sure does look like Individual One’s Individual Son lied to Congress too. And now the pundit class is left to wonder, “Will the President risk obstruction of justice charges to pardon a kid he never loved?”
So a couple of joints with heavy links to Baron Golfin von Fatfuk’s finances got raided Thursday morning; Celebrity Money Launderer Deutsche Bank, and Chicago Alderman Ed Burke, who handled Fat Q*Bert’s local taxes for 12 years. Now, these raids coming the same week as all the Manafort and Cohen shit honestly might be mere coincidence, but you know Wee Don’s terrified the Feds’ll find his private safe deposti box at DB, filled, no doubt, with money laundering receipts and kiddie porn.
This couldn’t have come at a worse time for Strawberry Shartcake, who had to fly to Argentina for one of those periodic instances of Presidenting Work That He Can’t Find a Way to Pawn Off on Mike Pants. He was so sulky, he even canceled a scheduled meeting with his Russian handler, probably worried Vlad flipped on him too, and would be wearing a wire for Mueller.
Goddammit, I was already busy laughing at Jerome Corsi, and now I have to laugh at Rage-Fueled Play-Ruiner Laura Loomer, too? Loomer, who has perhaps the worst value system in all human history (she seems to care mostly about internet celebrity and…hatred) handcuffed herself to the door of Twitter headquarters, protesting the Holocausting of Laura Loomer Who Was Kicked Off the Tweety Machine For Tons and Tons of Hate Speech. As you can see, this will require ample giggling/chuckling time. When will I sleep?
Seems like the recent congressional election in NC-09 has been tainted by shenanigans! Does “Pastor” Mark Harris have vote fraudsters on the payroll? Did he steal his primary against the GOP incumbent? I dunno, but shit looks shady AF, and the bipartisan NC Board of Elections unanimously voted to hold off on certifying the results pending an investigation. Stay tuned!
The Marmalade Shartcannon is making pathetic little squeaky noises about shutting down the government if he doesn’t get money for the Big Stupid Wall Nobody Wants, and Democrats are giddily holding that door open, daring him to walk to through it. Old man, you JUST got your ass beat in an election you tried to make about racist fear-mongering. If you insist on continuing to punch yourself in the dick, at least let us buy you some brass knux.
Speaking of punching one’s self in one’s own dick, Cowboy Ryan Zinke figured now was a good time to pick a stupid fight with the incoming chair of the House committee that will soon be looking into his various crimes n’ abuses. Accusations of wasting taxpayer money are a particularly bad call on Ryan’s part, methinks.
A little bit of good news, as a couple of Senate Republicans joined with the entire Dem caucus to torpedo the nomination of Vote-Suppressin’ Jesse Helms Protege Thomas Farr to a lifetime federal judgeship. It’s rare and really sort of refreshing to actually find a boundary to the madness, isn’t it? Like, maybe it won’t come to labor camps and soylent green factories after all?
(By the way, Jeff Flake finally exercising his power as a United States Senator now that he’s halfway out the door is the most Jeff Flake thing ever.)
We know Dolt45 is consumed by a burning jealousy of his predecessor, who is admired, intelligent, and in possession of normal man-sized hands and doesn’t have to call General Kelly into the Oval Office every time he needs a jar opened. Well, congrats, kid! We’ve found the rare metric where you’re outdoing Obama! The number of American children without health insurance went up for the first time in a decade! Nice work, champ!
Hey, while we’re here, don’t forget to spread the word that the Obamacare open enrollment period is right fuckin’ now! Sign-ups are down, because the Shart Administration slashed the outreach budget, since they don’t actually want the American people to be healthy, which I think is kinda weird. Anyhow, please use your platform, however humble, to spread the word!
I see down at the G20, Shinzo Abe complimented Dorito Mussolini on his “historic victory” in the midterms, and I blushed so hard at how easy is it to manipulate our President with flattery, I look like Sebastian the Crab now.
Speaking of that “historic victory,” did you see the House popular vote total for Dem candidates blasted past 60 million? Folks, Shartolo Colon only got 62,984,828 votes in 2016. Let’s just say that “between a Blue Wave and the Mueller investigation” is the new “rock and a hard place.”
Maybe Abe could also congratulate him on his “victory” in court, where a federal judge smacked down dearly-departed AG Jeff Sessions’ hateful attempt to strip sanctuary cities of federal funding. Shit, go to town Shinzo, congratulate him on his approval ratings, and how good he is at tying neckties.
Sarah Huckleberry Slanders whined about how the Mueller investigation is undermining our relationship with Russia, WHICH IS THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT YOU CUD-BRAINED TRAITOR!!! We don’t WANT to be a wholly-owned subsidiary of a fourth-rate autocratic oil company masquerading as a nation. IT’S AN INVESTIGATION INTO A RUSSIAN ATTACK ON OUR COUNTRY! REMEMBER?
I see Fraudulent Hot Tub SpokesGoon/Acting Attorney General Matt Whitaker was a little less than honest during his vetting with DoJ. Oh, and he also criticized Shartleby the Scrivener in some old interviews. Guess which one is more likely to get him in trouble with his current boss?
A government watchdog found that six different Shart House employees violated the Hatch Act! I love the charm of Hatch Act violations. Amidst all the corruption and treason, they’re so cute. Of course, I also imagine the torch-wielding mobs led by Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell if there had been a half-dozen simultaneous Hatch Act violations under Obama, and that makes me smile, too. A drunken, demented, lopsided, smirk.
Christ, that was a long one! What a week! I blew through my whole six pack an hour ago, and I’ve started in on the Listerine. If anything else happens tonight, you’re on your own, Shower Captives.