Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Assorted Zaniness and Silliness, Plus Oh Yeah, the GOP Attempts a Coup in Wisconsin
Hey there, Shower Captives! Hope you all enjoyed your weekend of pretending George H.W. Bush was some sort of historically great man just because he didn’t tear-gas little kids while ogling his own daughter. Let’s round up the insanity, shall we?
Well, President Truck Stop Gas Station Urinal Cake got home from the G20 summit, where he was shunned and mocked. Because he’s a wheezy, low-stamina, old man, he couldn’t even handle the ceremonial duties of his office, desperately whining for deliverance from the back-breaking stress of…a momentary photo op with Argentine President Mauricio Macri. In the future, I think we should elect people who can do a full day’s work without getting all colicky and bitchy.
Hell, Lil’ Donnie Dotard was so tuckered out, he could barely roll out of bed this morning for a little witness tampering on the ol’ tweety machine. Look, justice ain’t gonna obstruct itself, people.
Something happened at the G20 with China and the Big Dumb Trade War, though. Or maybe it didn’t. Nobody seems to know what it is. Or isn’t. Hey, with all the inhuman malice that typically issues forth from this administration, I’m more than happy to field some mere incompetence for a change.
There’s a fun little article in the Failing New York Times about how the Republican Party doesn’t seem to be interested in examining why they got their collaborating asses kicked so hard on November 6th, or in how to prevent similar ass-kickings in the future. I’m like, “FINALLY, a Republican position I can get behind!”
So, everybody found out that Labor Secretary Alex Acosta is a professional pedophile-enabler, aaaaaaaaaaaaaand it doesn’t look like he will face any consequences at all. I feel like “Oh, you helped a wealthy child molester avoid punishment? You are super duper fired, bro!” would be standard operating procedure everyplace from Burger King to Goldman Sachs, but I suppose standards are a bit more lax in the Shart House.
Hell, Ryan Zinke and Steve Mnuchin probably swung by his office with a bottle of the finest scotch taxpayer money can buy for a little Welcome to Cabinet Dirtbag Club toast! “Shit, Alex, we had no idea! We thought you were square!”
While we’re talking about mega-rich sex-trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, he’s still got all kindsa of friends in high places, including, it would seem, Shart Garfunkel’s favorite television surrogate, Alan Dershowitz, who is still giving legal advice to his pedo-pal. Y’know, I’m starting to understand why Dersho doesn’t get invited over for nachos and foosball in Martha’s Vineyard anymore.
The greatest thing about de-platformed alt-right scuzzbuckets is that we only hear about them now when bad/embarrassing things happen to them, like Alex Jones reduced to shouting at poop on the sidewalk, or Laura Loomer handcuffing herself to a door and threatening to piss her pants. Anyway, today we learned that Milo Yadontmatternomo finds himself a couple of million dollars in debt, and if that makes you laugh nonstop for the next hour or so, don’t worry, the blog will still be here when you catch your breath.
Speaking of schadenfreude, looks like Rotten-Toothed Cousin-Fucker Rudy Giuliani tried to throw himself a big party, but no one would come because he’s loathed by all decent Americans for his work on behalf of a certain Fascist Farthuffer. Good.
If Rudy’s lookin’ for a party, maybe he can swing by the one I’m throwing in celebration of the beginning of the DISCOVERY PHASE IN THE EMOLUMENTS CLAUSE LAWSUIT, MUTHAFUCKAAAAAAAAAAAS! If you flash a subpoena for Trump Organization records, you get a string of plastic beads and red solo cup for the keg.
Hmmmm…the news is actually kinda light today…I guess we can talk about Kid Rock getting fired from a parade for being an ass. So yeah…Kid Rock got fired from a parade, for being an ass. He was replaced by James Shaw, Jr., who is famous for being a hero instead of for being an ass. Sigh. We really were cheated out of those Stabenow/Rock debates.
Proving that we’re not the only nation up to our nipples in batguano cray-cray news, the President of Nigeria apparently needed to publicly deny a rumor that he is not himself but rather a clone of himself because he actually died. I feel you, Nigeria. Sometimes I wonder if our President isn’t a six foot pile of monkey crap with dead Muppet on top.
Anyway, Jerome Corsi, through his “lawyer,” Larry Klayman, has filed a formal complaint against the Mueller investigation so I bet Bashful Bob and everybody working with him goes to jail now, SORRY LIBTARDS, YOU MESSED WITH THE WRONG ADDLE-BRAINED ASSHAT!
And…hmmm. What else?
Yeah, it’s actually been a relatively quiet cycle, at least by the dumpster-fire-behind-a-meth-lab standards of 2018.
…except for that thing where the GOP in Wisconsin is trying to curb stomp democracy to death, skullfuck the corpse, and then shit on its grave.
You can almost understand why Wisco Republicans are so upset…they’ve invested a tremendous amount of time and energy into stripping their voters of the power to have any say in their government. But it turned out the people hate Scott Walker and his cronies SO FUCKING MUCH that they overcame all the voter suppression, turning out in such massive numbers that Democrats won every single statewide office. (The cartoonishly-gerrymandered state congressional districts succeeding in thwarting the will of all those pesky citizens when it came to the legislature, though.)
So, they’re using a lame duck session to pass a package of Nah You Get Republican Governance Anyway, Bitches bills. While they can’t quite make voting illegal, they sure do want to reduce folks’ opportunities to do it. Not a big deal, I suppose, it’s not like we’re talking about a pivotal 2020 swing state that might just determine whether a cabal of cheap crooks will run amok in the federal executive branch for four more years.
And of course, they’re looking to strip the offices they just lost of all their power. They literally want to be able to hire their own utterly unaccountable private lawyers to do the work of the Wisconsin Attorney General. They want to reduce incoming governor Tony Evers to a figurehead who cuts ribbons at mall openings plus he has to mow the lawn at the State Capitol building. They basically want to force a Republican government on a state that chose a Democratic one. Which is, yeah, antithetical to basically everything our country stands for. So fuck them.
A similar scam is underway in Michigan. Oh, and don’t forget about North Carolina, where the GOP is all, “Pay no attention to the already-large-and-steadily-increasing mound of evidence that Mark Harris’ campaign engaged in a whole buncha criminal fuckery! Kindly certify the election before people start going to prison for election fraud!” And gosh, isn’t it weird that we haven’t heard any condemnations from KKKris KKKobach and the rest of the vote fraud squad?
The point, my friends, is that though we all enjoyed a little well-earned rest after building that 60-million-votes-n’-counting Big Fat Fuckin’ Blue Wave, vacation’s over. You can help the fight against the anti-democratic lame-duck Wisconsin power grab here. The fight ain’t over. It’ll never be over. Get back to work.
And don’t forget to spread the word about the Obamacare open enrollment period! It ends December 15th, and we’ve got some catching up to do!
Okay folks, I’m signing off before I read about anything truly ridiculous, like maybe Paul Manafort trying to get Ecuador to swap Julian Assange for some shiny bead or something equally OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!