Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Dear Republicans, Repeat After Me: “Consequences Are Not Kristallnacht.”
I confess it’s difficult to write today. I live next door to Vlad Putin, y’see, and he kept me up all night tap-dancing with glee at how easy it was to transform the United States of America from a superpower into a shithole, simply by tossing a few memes at frightened old white people.
Actually, at the request of the handful of congressional Republicans who’ve spoken at all about the terrorist mob they unleashed, I have decided to move on, in the spirit of unity and healing. Tonight’s blog will feature a series of softball interviews with prominent seditionists: admit it, you’ve always wondered who Mo Brooks’ favorite Golden Girl is.
Just to get this out of the way real quick, we’ve learned Government Cheese Goebbels made yet another desperate phone call, pressuring Georgia election officials to overturn the state’s results, and also that he forced the U.S Attorney for the Northern District of Georgia to resign for refusing to support his insidious voter fraud lies. Yes, I realize that’s two more completely impeachable crimes right there, but such frivolities constitute mere background noise in this age of violent white nationalist insurrection.
Well, I suppose we’d best start piecing together just what the living fuck went down on January 6th. It’s gonna take some time to separate the mere incompetents from the active collaborators, and won’t that be a jolly little process to witness?
It’s certainly been nothing short of terrifying, reading about the Trump Admin officials who dithered and dodged, refusing to dispatch the National Guard, even as a bloodthirsty horde ran wild through the Capitol. Almost as chilling as learning Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot himself just…watched the whole thing play out on the magical talking television box, no doubt cheering the would-be murderers on.
Two Capitol Police officers have been suspended and more than ten are already under investigation for their actions during the coup attempt, ranging from snapping seditious selfies to actively directing the terrorists to their targets. There’s apparently even a Secret Service officer out there, spreading Trump’s poisonous propaganda on social media, which strikes me as a teensy bit disqualifying for a gig with the administration to come. What would be cool is if American law enforcement could use this tragic moment to root out all the motherfucking white supremacists who have infiltrated their ranks.
For now, we’ll have to tide ourselves over with the admittedly bountiful buffet of treasonous shitweasel arrests; I’m sure the memory of those few precious hours of MAGA celebrity will keep ‘em warm through the long lonely nights of their federal prison sentences. For one shining moment, you held a lectern that didn’t belong to you. Cool life, bro.
So it looks as though Lauren Boebert launched her congressional career by using social media during the Capitol siege, against the direct instructions of the House Sergeant at Arms, to deliberately reveal Speaker Pelosi’s whereabouts to the homicidal throng, y’know, so it’d be easier to find her and execute her. Just a little perspective, for anybody out there who feels like they have weird tension with people at work.
Anyway, we’ve got shiny new metal detectors set up outside the House chamber now, to protect Democrats from the likes of Boebert, who has repeatedly vowed to illegally bring her gun to work with her, and the other QAnon loons in her caucus. Suddenly I find myself whimsically nostalgic for the bygone days of civility when the manic Republican outlier was the guy who couldn’t sit through a Black President’s speech without screaming at him.
Sadly, we’ve learned The Legend of the Loser Terrorist Who Tased Himself in the Scrotum So Hard He Died proved to be just that, a legend. To which I say, fuck all y’all, if you nutcases are allowed to believe fake shit (like, for example, that Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops is “the most masculine person to ever hold the White House”), I’m allowed to believe this, and in fact, I’m building my entire personal religion around it; we’re gonna have communion wafers in the shape of a doughy middle-aged man electrocuting his own ballsack.
The Velveeta Vulgarian petulantly refused to lower flags on federal buildings to half-staff in honor of the police officer he got killed, for four fucking days. But when wingnut financier Sheldon Adelson finally kicked the bucket? That statement, overflowing with the sort of glowing praise Eric and Don, Jr. can only dream of, hit the wire at the speed of light.
Three Democratic Congressmen (so far) have tested positive for COVID-19 after several Republicans mockingly refused all requests to wear masks during the siege lockdown. (thousands still dying every day, thanks for asking) In the spirit of unity, Minority Leader McCarthy has proposed a rule change where members of his caucus would commit to restricting themselves to one attempt to murder their Dem colleagues at a time.
From the folks who never quite managed to bring you Infrastructure Week, it’s CONSEQUENCES WEEK! Corporations are not only shutting down the coup enablers’ access to the money spigot, they’re even demanding refunds for previous donations. Harvard booted Trumpal Butt Remora Elise Stefanik from their advisory board. From coast to coast, hometown papers and local leaders are calling for the Cop Killer Caucus’ resignations. Keep the heat on, Resisters, and who knows? Maybe we can chase a few of the rats back to the shadows.
Heck, Rudy Giuliani’s a regular cousin-fucking consequences magnet these days. The New York State Bar Association is working to expel him, he’s been referred for disbarment, and the Treasury Department is cracking down on his crooked foreign partners. Congrats, Rudy…may all your future biographies be printed in liquid shit.
All of this comeuppance has, of course, led to a wave of reflection and contrition among Trump-supporting Republicans, assuming “reflection” and “contrition” are synonyms for “whining.” There is truly no amount of blood that can drown the 21st-century conservative impulse to claim victimhood, even when they’ve got their boot on somebody else’s neck.
These shameless jagoffs are actually trying to change the subject from the inevitable fruits of their deliberate, years-long stochastic terror campaign to their alleged oppression online. Several actually invoked Kristallnacht to describe their plight, which is so stomach-churningly vulgar, I can’t even joke about it.
Just to clear things up: the President lost his social media accounts because he used them to incite a sweaty, malodorous wad of losers to ooze down the street and kill his enemies for him. Parler got taken down because terrorists were using it to organize terrorist violence. Whatever point in the great wide universe is mathematically farthest from legitimate victimhood is where y’all are standing right now. At long last, just SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Meanwhile, the deeply pathetic new Shart House tradition of awarding the Presidential Medal of Freedom behind closed doors, lest the world witness the shame of all involved, continued. Gym Jordan, unsurprisingly, was only too willing to accept his blood-soaked accolade, but apparently they’ve gone too far for Bill Belichick, which means (insert pro- or anti-Belichick gag here, depending on your feelings towards the Patriots. Me, I don’t give a fuck either way, and I’m not losing any readers over that shit.)
Acting But Mostly Illegally So Who Knows Secretary Chad Wolf suddenly stepped down, so the Department of Homeland Security is currently being run by a waffle iron that’s been in the break room since Janet Napolitano forget it back in 2013. It’s okay, it’s not like we’re in the middle of a terrorist insurgency or anything.
Some deranged little Trumpkin appears to have actually carved his Turd Emperor’s name into a live manatee, and…what the fuck, y’all? This whole worldview seems to be built around the idea of injecting maximum shittiness into any situation, which apparently extends to vandalizing animals. Even Chuck Todd couldn’t bothsides this. (But please don’t bring it to his attention, or he’ll try.)
I guess Princess Ivanka is worried about her political future, now that her family name is synonymous with not just stealing from charity and stiffing contractors and bribing porn stars and caging children and praising white nationalists and doing Putin’s bidding and destroying jobs and pardoning war criminals but also crazed, violent rioting. Y’know what? Don’t spoil it for her; it’ll be more fun when she finds out on her own.
Tragically, I lost my very last mouthful of delicious Xmas ale to the headline proclaiming a “rift” had opened between Vice President Mike Pants and the man who sent a rabid mob to lynch him. Yes, Tangerine Idi Amin allegedly told his longtime servile sidekick, “I don’t want to be your friend anymore,” quite possibly the first honest statement he’s made in years. Yeah, “rift” just about covers it.
Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo keeps trying to squeeze as much last-minute fuckery as possible into his tenure, haphazardly slapping the “terrorist group” designation on the Houthi rebels in Yemen, exacerbating one of the world’s most appalling humanitarian crises, because a few more starving children are surely a small price to pay for the opportunity to drop a little extra shit in your Democratic successor’s inbox. Remember this the next time the pious Mr. Pompeo feels the need to lecture others on family values.
As a fitting reward for his years of goonish devotion to a dimestore autocrat, Mike was forced to cancel his final European trip as Secretary of State, because no one was willing to even meet with his cheap gangster ass. Obviously you’re the feared and respected representative of a global superpower when the foreign minister of frickin’ LUXEMBOURG cold-shoulders you. Tell us more about “swagger,” kid.
And I see Consequences Week also caught up to former Michigan Governor Rick Snyder and his toadies, who will face charges for their murderous mismanagement of the Flint water crisis. Say, you don’t suppose we actually live in a country where rich white dudes can’t get away with absolutely anything, do ya?
Anyway, buckle up, cats n’ kittens, we’re heading for fresh new round of impeachment, this time with bipartisan backing. Shit, even Mitch “Got My Judges, What Fucking Good Are You Now?” McConnell seems to be down. Liz Cheney, welcome to the resistance; no, you may not partake of the donuts or the coffee, those are for folks who didn’t need to be menaced by a mass of homicidal maniacs to stand up for what’s right. You may vote with the decent folks this one time, though.
I am worn the fuck out, y’all. It’s almost Joe o’clock, and I cannot fucking wait. Until then, stay safe out there, friends, it’s all kindsa weird.